Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Tetanus Shot Fear

I have been reading about all these awful reactions people have had from the tetanus vaccine including one girl who had a heart attack from it at age 18. People with loss of movement in their left arm for months and some with permanent loss. Seizures after and some seizures disorders forever after the vaccination, extreme pain from a walnut to baseball size knot that comes out at the injection site that lasts months.

Really I should not have read it ... I was hoping in a demented way to see it's not that bad and ease my fears. Why I am even worrying about it is beyond me I do not work outside and I am not on a farm. Though anyone can get it from even a pin prick size cut it is usually from a puncture wound, soil or feces from an animal getting into a cut when the injury happens or an animal bite that is deep. I know damn well that if I step on a nail I will get the shot. (though now I read that is not always good enough which is sorta why I am obsessing)

Then I read some people who have the vaccine and are 100% up to date have still got tetanus. But in my mind I know if I was up to date the doctors would say "well you did everything you could and this happens sometimes" "oh that poor guy" compared to if I got tetanus with out a booster "well that is why we say you have to get the vaccine" "if only he had got his shots" hence it is all my fault and I got what I deserved in their eyes.

Sometimes I feel all this stress is too much and I can't go on...not in a suicidal way just I don't know how to keep pushing. I go day by day but when I look at the big picture or really think about how my life is it just takes my breath away. As far as I know there is nothing wrong with me (and may never be) but I live in this on and off nightmare that has no end that I can see. I think a lot of times I am just waiting for my anxiety to just someday like magic go away. Or find the cure and be done with it.

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