I have a doctors appointment today. I wish I could just go in with a list of everything that is wrong with me, but I know from experience I will just be ignored. It is bad enough I might be ignored anyway.
My feet have been ice cold on and off; even in socks and sneakers. A few times they have been so cold they have hurt and I have had to turn a heating pad on and put my feet on it for a half hour or so.
Sometimes they are so cold it travels all the way up to my calve muscles, so from my feet to my calves are cold to the touch. Then other times my feet will feel like they are ice cold. I will be sitting at the computer and it feels like they are on a block of ice, only I will touch them and they are completely warm. I have no idea.
It has been going on since July. To be honest it started when I took Prevacid, but there is no way I am going to tell the doctor that because he nor any other doctor believes what happened with the Xanax withdrawal, so if I go in there claiming yet another issues maybe caused by a medication I will be completely blown off. I was on Prevacid a total of a month and I the feet thing started a few days into me taking it. Who knows though, maybe this is all still some form of damaged caused by Xanax. I don't even know anymore.
I am still getting breathless, heart pounds heavy and hard when I stand up (thankfully no longer fast 99% if the time), still having bowel issues and I walk around feeling like my stomach and intestines are scorched. I still wake up from not breathing in my sleep from time to time, that is when I can stay asleep at all. As of late I am lucky if I get 6 hours of sleep.
Anyway today I will just tell him about my feet and purple hands. Try to get a referral to a sleep clinic and to a pulmonologist. Next time around I will try to get sent to a gastro doctor. You know this would all be a lot easier for me if I didn't have such bad anxiety about doctors, blood, needles and medical tests.
My mom has been off chemo for two months now. Her doctors took her off because she became too sick and too thin, they need to get her stronger so she can have liver surgery to remove the cancer. Even off she still is running to the bathroom with cramps and diarrhea for about 3 hours a day if not more. She now weighs 98 lbs. and can hardly eat. After the liver surgery (which I assume will happen around Jan.) she will have to start chemo again. I am literally watching the medical community kill my mother, it is just a matter of if they will kill the cancer before her. I don't know what I would do if I had cancer because I don't even know if I would treat it after watching what really happens. I am sure many reading that statement may not understand.
Today she is going in to have a CT scan to see if the cancer grew or spread since she has been off the chemo for two months. I am not sure when she will get the results from that, usually after a CT scan they do a PET scan just to make sure. I don't know why they even bother doing a CT scan if every time they do one a week later they decide it is best to check with a PET scan.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Podcast or Something
I have spent the past two days sick to my stomach. I think I have some stomach bug that has been going around. It seems to be passing though. I did live mostly on liquids during it....ahhh memories of earlier this year when I had to live on liquids for months.
The downside to being sick is I have not been able to exercise for two days and if I miss tomorrow that will be 3 days...not good. I actually miss exercising, isn't that weird? Either way if I eat enough tomorrow I will be exercising.
So, over the past few days I have been considering doing a podcast type thing...a podcast, but not a podcast. Basically, I find that many people don't read, so lots of people never get into this blog. I have videos up on youtube, but guess what? I don't really feel comfortable being on video often...it's just not my thing..at least right now. So I figure audio might be the way to go.
I will still be doing the blog and of course videos, but to be honest I have so much to say recording it might be a good idea for me.
This is my plan. I have a Vonage phone, when a voice mail is left on it, it gets emailed to me as an audio file. I think my phone allows 10 minute voice mails, so that would work out well. Then I could just upload those audio files to a second Youtube account and a free podcast company... maybe.
If of course the voice mail thing does not work out, I guess I will have to sit in my chair and record it with my computer mic which would be boring. I want to be able to move around, talk while I walk on my treadmill or while I cook.
This blog and my videos have been so honest, but I really want to make these audio recordings super honest, my thoughts on a variety of things, my spiritual ideas, foods I eat, more into my past, basically everything. The fear in doing this is I will piss people off who do not share my views or people will see me for the nutjob I really am hehe. I mean seriously I think and do messed up stuff...and for the first time I would not be censoring myself. Trust me I heavily censor myself.
I don't think at first I will even post a link to these "podcasts". I will however mention my blog and videos in the podcast leading people here, then after I see how it goes post a link on this blog to the audio files. I don't even think anyone will be able to listen to them all, because in part some of the reason I am doing this is because I have so much to say and no one in real life to tell it too, or anyone in real life who cares enough to listen to it. At least online some people see, read or hear some of it or at least enough to understand. Though I must admit I find it frustrating when someone asks me a question I have already covered several times about my life, but hey it is what it is.
Someone online asked me once why I do this, meaning put my life out there like this exposing private things and thoughts. There are two answers. One is to help others not feel alone in their suffering, feelings or thoughts and the other more selfish reason is because I am here on this Earth and I want (maybe need) to be heard. Growing up I always felt I had so much to say and teach. I have had some very hard things happen in my life and I need to believe it had a purpose, that everything I have experienced and thought is meant for me to share with others. I also do not believe I will be on this Earth long (would be nice if I was wrong), so I want to say as much as possible while I still can. Maybe there is a third reason. I could be looking for the human connection that I always seek and have yet to find.
I get so many interesting emails. Most of them are from very kind people, trying to find their way in life..they share their stories and experiences with me and that is cool. Others ask questions, have suggestions (some of which they might wonder why I don't take ..trust me I have my reasons.) and some emails are from completely loony, out there people who scare me a little, but an amusing kind of scary.
Well anyway that is the ideas I am toying around with right now. I will be sure to update you with how it goes.
The downside to being sick is I have not been able to exercise for two days and if I miss tomorrow that will be 3 days...not good. I actually miss exercising, isn't that weird? Either way if I eat enough tomorrow I will be exercising.
So, over the past few days I have been considering doing a podcast type thing...a podcast, but not a podcast. Basically, I find that many people don't read, so lots of people never get into this blog. I have videos up on youtube, but guess what? I don't really feel comfortable being on video often...it's just not my thing..at least right now. So I figure audio might be the way to go.
I will still be doing the blog and of course videos, but to be honest I have so much to say recording it might be a good idea for me.
This is my plan. I have a Vonage phone, when a voice mail is left on it, it gets emailed to me as an audio file. I think my phone allows 10 minute voice mails, so that would work out well. Then I could just upload those audio files to a second Youtube account and a free podcast company... maybe.
If of course the voice mail thing does not work out, I guess I will have to sit in my chair and record it with my computer mic which would be boring. I want to be able to move around, talk while I walk on my treadmill or while I cook.
This blog and my videos have been so honest, but I really want to make these audio recordings super honest, my thoughts on a variety of things, my spiritual ideas, foods I eat, more into my past, basically everything. The fear in doing this is I will piss people off who do not share my views or people will see me for the nutjob I really am hehe. I mean seriously I think and do messed up stuff...and for the first time I would not be censoring myself. Trust me I heavily censor myself.
I don't think at first I will even post a link to these "podcasts". I will however mention my blog and videos in the podcast leading people here, then after I see how it goes post a link on this blog to the audio files. I don't even think anyone will be able to listen to them all, because in part some of the reason I am doing this is because I have so much to say and no one in real life to tell it too, or anyone in real life who cares enough to listen to it. At least online some people see, read or hear some of it or at least enough to understand. Though I must admit I find it frustrating when someone asks me a question I have already covered several times about my life, but hey it is what it is.
Someone online asked me once why I do this, meaning put my life out there like this exposing private things and thoughts. There are two answers. One is to help others not feel alone in their suffering, feelings or thoughts and the other more selfish reason is because I am here on this Earth and I want (maybe need) to be heard. Growing up I always felt I had so much to say and teach. I have had some very hard things happen in my life and I need to believe it had a purpose, that everything I have experienced and thought is meant for me to share with others. I also do not believe I will be on this Earth long (would be nice if I was wrong), so I want to say as much as possible while I still can. Maybe there is a third reason. I could be looking for the human connection that I always seek and have yet to find.
I get so many interesting emails. Most of them are from very kind people, trying to find their way in life..they share their stories and experiences with me and that is cool. Others ask questions, have suggestions (some of which they might wonder why I don't take ..trust me I have my reasons.) and some emails are from completely loony, out there people who scare me a little, but an amusing kind of scary.
Well anyway that is the ideas I am toying around with right now. I will be sure to update you with how it goes.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Angry at myself
I am so angry at myself sometimes. I know I can't change the past, but why the hell did I abuse my body the way I have over the years. I wish I never drank or smoked. I should have been exercising this whole time and why in the past did I eat all those TV dinners and fast food??
It is weird because sometimes I feel out of breath while eating and for a little while after eating, yet on my treadmill I don't feel out of breath. Also when I stand up from my computer chair to walk to the kitchen or where ever my heart pounds in my chest for a minute and sometimes with that I feel a little out of breath, then it is normal again. I also seem to get out of breath while doing simple things like the dishes. I am not gasping for air by any means just out of breath and a tension in my chest sometimes. It also pisses me off that my heart can race from slight movement...often while laying in bed just the act if rolling over can make my heart speed up quite a bit for about 30 seconds...that is another thing..I can feel my heart beat way to much...I find it annoying.
It has been a month since I quit smoking and I have been doing the treadmill almost everyday for 3 weeks now. I also lift a 10 pound weight and do push ups against the wall and just started doing sit ups.
I have these crying spells because to be honest I am scared about my health. I am so sick of feeling crap and when I ask people online if they feel this or that with their own body they always say "No..you should see a doctor", well I have seen doctors as you all know if you have been following my blog this year. In fact I have yet another doctors appointment Nov 11th, so I can go complain about my out of breath feeling and how my hands turn a reddish/purple color when they are at my sides among other issues I am having.
The doctors have decided to stop my moms chemo for now. She was getting to sick from it and they need her strong so they can do the liver surgery. So for now she has no more chemo and then in 3 months they will do another CT scan and a PET scan. If she is strong enough by then they will do the surgery.
She has become very forgetful, even worse than she was before. My father never says much to me, which again if you have been following my blog this year you are aware of that situation. I am really alone in all this and I do not deal well with this type of stuff to begin with. On the bright side I am eating well. I changed by whole diet back to the healthy one I was on before the xanax withdrawal. I have been going to the supermarket almost daily, granted it is at night, but I still go. Sometimes I drive my boyfriend to work too when I feel well enough just to get out of the house.
I can't remember where on my blog recently someone asked me if I have tried Zoloft. No I haven't and unless I am on my death bed there will be no more anti anxiety or anti depressant drugs going into my body. I have been damaged enough. I do not feel these drugs are safe for anyone period (short of major mental illness, where you are a danger to yourself or others). I have experienced and seen too much. That comment of course will get me emails telling me how you have been helped, to which I say, good and heres hoping to you not getting some brain disorder or sudden cardiac death 5 years from now, that a doctor will just tell you or your family that it wasn't the pill/pills and these things just happen.
That is another thing about me that has to change. I tend to tread lightly on certain topics because I want all to be happy. I have learned as soon as you have an opinion half the world hates you, but seriously what use am I to anyone if I am wishy washy on my personal stance on certain topics.
Besides I am like the TV or radio...if you don't like what I have to say you can click the "X" on the upper left hand corner and I go away forever hehe.
I hope all of you are doing well in your lives.
It is weird because sometimes I feel out of breath while eating and for a little while after eating, yet on my treadmill I don't feel out of breath. Also when I stand up from my computer chair to walk to the kitchen or where ever my heart pounds in my chest for a minute and sometimes with that I feel a little out of breath, then it is normal again. I also seem to get out of breath while doing simple things like the dishes. I am not gasping for air by any means just out of breath and a tension in my chest sometimes. It also pisses me off that my heart can race from slight movement...often while laying in bed just the act if rolling over can make my heart speed up quite a bit for about 30 seconds...that is another thing..I can feel my heart beat way to much...I find it annoying.
It has been a month since I quit smoking and I have been doing the treadmill almost everyday for 3 weeks now. I also lift a 10 pound weight and do push ups against the wall and just started doing sit ups.
I have these crying spells because to be honest I am scared about my health. I am so sick of feeling crap and when I ask people online if they feel this or that with their own body they always say "No..you should see a doctor", well I have seen doctors as you all know if you have been following my blog this year. In fact I have yet another doctors appointment Nov 11th, so I can go complain about my out of breath feeling and how my hands turn a reddish/purple color when they are at my sides among other issues I am having.
The doctors have decided to stop my moms chemo for now. She was getting to sick from it and they need her strong so they can do the liver surgery. So for now she has no more chemo and then in 3 months they will do another CT scan and a PET scan. If she is strong enough by then they will do the surgery.
She has become very forgetful, even worse than she was before. My father never says much to me, which again if you have been following my blog this year you are aware of that situation. I am really alone in all this and I do not deal well with this type of stuff to begin with. On the bright side I am eating well. I changed by whole diet back to the healthy one I was on before the xanax withdrawal. I have been going to the supermarket almost daily, granted it is at night, but I still go. Sometimes I drive my boyfriend to work too when I feel well enough just to get out of the house.
I can't remember where on my blog recently someone asked me if I have tried Zoloft. No I haven't and unless I am on my death bed there will be no more anti anxiety or anti depressant drugs going into my body. I have been damaged enough. I do not feel these drugs are safe for anyone period (short of major mental illness, where you are a danger to yourself or others). I have experienced and seen too much. That comment of course will get me emails telling me how you have been helped, to which I say, good and heres hoping to you not getting some brain disorder or sudden cardiac death 5 years from now, that a doctor will just tell you or your family that it wasn't the pill/pills and these things just happen.
That is another thing about me that has to change. I tend to tread lightly on certain topics because I want all to be happy. I have learned as soon as you have an opinion half the world hates you, but seriously what use am I to anyone if I am wishy washy on my personal stance on certain topics.
Besides I am like the TV or radio...if you don't like what I have to say you can click the "X" on the upper left hand corner and I go away forever hehe.
I hope all of you are doing well in your lives.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I quit smoking
So, on Sept. 18th 2009 at 3:20am I smoked my last cigarette and quit cold turkey (11 days ago). The first few days were a bit uncomfortable, but after not to bad. I only get a craving here and there for one now and it doesn't last long.
Quitting is not as hard as other people or even yourself make it out to be. What I found to be helpful was... the first 3 days sleep as much as possible. I also found not thinking to be helpful. Don't focus on the fact that you quit. Soon as your mind starts to show pleasing images from the past, think of something else. Also the whole myth from anti-smoking sites that claim a craving will only last a few minutes is a bunch of bull. I had a craving around the third day that lasted almost 3 hours. I didn't think I would get past that, but I did.
My moms CT scan came back clear. The doctors couldn't see the liver cancer on the scan, so they ran a PET scan a few days later. The PET scan has also come back clear. She is too weak to have liver surgery, but the doctor said that is OK because they can't see anything right now anyway, so if the cancer is still there it is to small to be picked up on the scan. She will be having her chemo drugs changed soon, since she is having problems with her current cocktail. She will also be continuing chemo till Jan. 2010. I think she will have more scans in 3 months.
Quitting is not as hard as other people or even yourself make it out to be. What I found to be helpful was... the first 3 days sleep as much as possible. I also found not thinking to be helpful. Don't focus on the fact that you quit. Soon as your mind starts to show pleasing images from the past, think of something else. Also the whole myth from anti-smoking sites that claim a craving will only last a few minutes is a bunch of bull. I had a craving around the third day that lasted almost 3 hours. I didn't think I would get past that, but I did.
My moms CT scan came back clear. The doctors couldn't see the liver cancer on the scan, so they ran a PET scan a few days later. The PET scan has also come back clear. She is too weak to have liver surgery, but the doctor said that is OK because they can't see anything right now anyway, so if the cancer is still there it is to small to be picked up on the scan. She will be having her chemo drugs changed soon, since she is having problems with her current cocktail. She will also be continuing chemo till Jan. 2010. I think she will have more scans in 3 months.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Prom
Click The Picture To Make It Larger.
This picture was taken of me before my gf's prom in 1993 (I am the guy in the left of the picture). I was 17 years old (I am now 33). My anxiety had started about 2 years before this picture. About a half hour before this picture was taken I threw up in my parents bathroom. I was so nervous I cried. My mom offered me a shot of alcohol to calm myself, which I turned down.
I am currently trying to quit smoking yet again, by smoking a little as possible. Something that is happening that is scaring me right now is...every time I smoke I get a tightness in my chest. I tried to find other smokers who get this online, but I can't find any information. I also get cold hands and cold feet when I smoke now. The feeling in my chest is uncomfortable and my stomach turns. I know smoking is not good for anyone. I just wonder why this is happening now. I worry that my heart is clogged. Sometimes now after I smoke...esp. the first few cigarettes of the day I gag and get what I assume is anxiety because I have the urge to clench my teeth and feel shaky. You would think that would be enough to make me stop. However when I don't smoke for a long time the craving is so strong and I feel so miserable that I light up. Then I feel guilty over how stupid I am.
I have been crying on and off through out the days. I am not even sure why half the time. I know I am really lonely. Normally people would say to go out and meet people. I just don't feel well enough to do that with my tight chest and my anxiety issues on top of it. Besides if I meet someone new I am scared of scaring them off. I cry at the drop of a hat sometimes, plus I throw up when I get nervous and sometimes cramps (the cramps happen anyway with or without anxiety) how would I explain that?? What if they asked "Why are you so sick?" I would have to say "I don't know."
How did I let myself get into this situation? Why can't I just stop smoking? Why can't I get enough courage to get myself to a doctor and push to find out what else is going on with me psychically? Maybe I don't want to know or maybe I am just to scared. I really hope nothing is seriously wrong because of now how cigarettes make my chest tight and cold hands and feet. I honestly think I am scared enough from my anxiety to let myself die before I seek help and that worries me.
I feel like I am insane sometimes. I asked my father to bring me cigarettes today because I didn't feel well enough to get them myself. I asked him to drop them through my mail slot in my door. About 20 mins ago I heard them fall though. I do not shave or shower daily. It just seems to take more energy than I have.
I know I am depressed, that is a given. I just don't know why I am. I can't tell if I am so sick feeling and that has me down or if it is because I am alone most of the time. I don't feel loved by people, though I know people do...I just feel that the love I have is conditional as long as I am OK enough, I can't fall apart because then it will be to much for the few people I have in my life to handle and they will go away or be "disappointed" in me.
Why did I fuck my body up with everything I did over the years to it? I knew better just like I know better now and continue to make it worse. Seriously what is wrong with me? I need to somehow get a grip, I just don't know how.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Wore out and annoyed
My mother has been taken back to the hospital to be rehydrate. Hopefully she won't have to stay. She has been sick from her chemo and has a cold on top of it right now. She has not been able to hold anything down including water.
I called my old doctors office because I have been having major digestive issues since March of this year and if you want to count when it first started to become an issue bigger than normal it was in 2007.
I had a sigmoidoscope in Sept. 1994 and was told "I have a little colitis.", then was put on a drug called azulfidine for about a year. Nothing more was ever said and I was 18 and stupid so I never questioned it...it was never spoke of again. Every time over the years when I would get cramps I was told by the same doctor that I just had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and it was from "my anxiety". So today I decided to call to get what the actual results were from the sigmoidoscope he did and find out what the "little colitis" actually was.
The office called back to tell me the results said "ulcerative colitis vs. crohn's disease". So I asked well which was it and she said she would have to ask the doctor and call me back. So she called back to tell me that he said it was ulcerative colitis, that was "his impression, but I did not have a biopsy done.". So they are not 100% sure. This pisses me off on so many levels. First if you didn't know why the hell didn't you send me to a gastroenterologist. Second if you didn't know why did you put me on azulfidine for a year. Third why did you just tell me all the rest of the years that I just have IBS from "my anxiety".
Ulcerative colitis requires a colonscope every year to two years because it can cause colon cancer (The same cancer my mom has). Ulcerative colitis is not common and of course, that would be me since I seem to get all the rare shit. It happens to about 15 in 100,000 people. They don't know the cause and there is no cure. 25-40% of people with Ulcerative colitis have to have their colon removed. This I am not pleased about and that will not be happening because I will not live that way period ..there is not if, ands or buts about that.
I get cramps all the time, sometimes so painful I feel like I am going to pass out from the pain. My stomach is fucked. I have something going on in there and it is making me feel ill all the damn time. I just took all those antibiotics to kill the H. Pylori and still have to have a test to make sure it is gone.
Most of the time over the past few years it has not been anxiety that has kept me housebound, but more so because 90% of the time I feel sick and wore out. I never feel right at all. I was just told that is because I have "anxiety". Yes I do have anxiety, I am not dumb, but I also know the things that cause my anxiety issues, like doctors offices, dentists and medical test. I get nervous meeting new people, but I do not and never have lived in a constant state of anxiety. Over time I have allowed myself to be brainwashed with all that "it's just anxiety" crap and suffered for many many years.
Lets not forget my breathing issues for 2 years prior to my lung surgery was because of "my anxiety". Yea, then I had surgery and was fine.
So I called my mothers gastroenterologist today to make sure they had the camera pill, so I don't have to have the scope of my stomach, since I will most likely have a scope of my colon done and they do have the camera pill so that makes it a little easier.
Then downside to all this besides my intense fear of medical tests not to mention I also happen to know all to well what can go wrong with these tests (including death) is that they knock you out with benzo drugs. The very thing I should not be exposed to for 6 months to 2 years because of the prlonged benzo withdarwal I just went through. I am now just a little over 6 months off. If they knock me out it could reset the entire withdrawal leaving me in a state that I was in all those months of suffering. Why must everything come at me at once?
Not to whine, but seriously I am a really nice person and I don't deserve the treatment I have got from the medical community and by many people in my life. I shouldn't have to go through all this stuff alone. In fact why do I have all this rare crap happen to me??? Not only do I have it happen, but the very tests that have to be done is what causes my anxiety. I see people all the time having a life and doing things. They are enjoying their life and here I sit sick, so drained that I sometimes can't even take out my own trash. This is bullshit. I don't want to die and I do not want to be crippled by all this stuff. Why can't I just have peace??
I called my old doctors office because I have been having major digestive issues since March of this year and if you want to count when it first started to become an issue bigger than normal it was in 2007.
I had a sigmoidoscope in Sept. 1994 and was told "I have a little colitis.", then was put on a drug called azulfidine for about a year. Nothing more was ever said and I was 18 and stupid so I never questioned it...it was never spoke of again. Every time over the years when I would get cramps I was told by the same doctor that I just had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and it was from "my anxiety". So today I decided to call to get what the actual results were from the sigmoidoscope he did and find out what the "little colitis" actually was.
The office called back to tell me the results said "ulcerative colitis vs. crohn's disease". So I asked well which was it and she said she would have to ask the doctor and call me back. So she called back to tell me that he said it was ulcerative colitis, that was "his impression, but I did not have a biopsy done.". So they are not 100% sure. This pisses me off on so many levels. First if you didn't know why the hell didn't you send me to a gastroenterologist. Second if you didn't know why did you put me on azulfidine for a year. Third why did you just tell me all the rest of the years that I just have IBS from "my anxiety".
Ulcerative colitis requires a colonscope every year to two years because it can cause colon cancer (The same cancer my mom has). Ulcerative colitis is not common and of course, that would be me since I seem to get all the rare shit. It happens to about 15 in 100,000 people. They don't know the cause and there is no cure. 25-40% of people with Ulcerative colitis have to have their colon removed. This I am not pleased about and that will not be happening because I will not live that way period ..there is not if, ands or buts about that.
I get cramps all the time, sometimes so painful I feel like I am going to pass out from the pain. My stomach is fucked. I have something going on in there and it is making me feel ill all the damn time. I just took all those antibiotics to kill the H. Pylori and still have to have a test to make sure it is gone.
Most of the time over the past few years it has not been anxiety that has kept me housebound, but more so because 90% of the time I feel sick and wore out. I never feel right at all. I was just told that is because I have "anxiety". Yes I do have anxiety, I am not dumb, but I also know the things that cause my anxiety issues, like doctors offices, dentists and medical test. I get nervous meeting new people, but I do not and never have lived in a constant state of anxiety. Over time I have allowed myself to be brainwashed with all that "it's just anxiety" crap and suffered for many many years.
Lets not forget my breathing issues for 2 years prior to my lung surgery was because of "my anxiety". Yea, then I had surgery and was fine.
So I called my mothers gastroenterologist today to make sure they had the camera pill, so I don't have to have the scope of my stomach, since I will most likely have a scope of my colon done and they do have the camera pill so that makes it a little easier.
Then downside to all this besides my intense fear of medical tests not to mention I also happen to know all to well what can go wrong with these tests (including death) is that they knock you out with benzo drugs. The very thing I should not be exposed to for 6 months to 2 years because of the prlonged benzo withdarwal I just went through. I am now just a little over 6 months off. If they knock me out it could reset the entire withdrawal leaving me in a state that I was in all those months of suffering. Why must everything come at me at once?
Not to whine, but seriously I am a really nice person and I don't deserve the treatment I have got from the medical community and by many people in my life. I shouldn't have to go through all this stuff alone. In fact why do I have all this rare crap happen to me??? Not only do I have it happen, but the very tests that have to be done is what causes my anxiety. I see people all the time having a life and doing things. They are enjoying their life and here I sit sick, so drained that I sometimes can't even take out my own trash. This is bullshit. I don't want to die and I do not want to be crippled by all this stuff. Why can't I just have peace??
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