Friday, May 29, 2009

Back To The Doctor

I went to the doctor today for my follow up appointment. I printed out a short list so I wouldn't forget to tell him anything. Below is the list:

"Every few weeks I wake up out of my sleep with my chest tingling and feeling like I am not getting any air. I usually fall back to sleep and it wakes me up a few more times. (been going on for over a year and use to do this before I had lung surgery, but had stopped)

When I wake up in the morning I feel sick to my stomach for hours before it settles down. (been going on for many years)

I feel drained of most my energy only now it is worse. (Been going on for years)

My heart still beats fast, but only during the day at night it seems to be mostly normal.

Cigarettes are making me sick now esp. when I first wake up. I feel anxiety, my heart rate increases a lot, I get shaky and I have a very general unwell feeling...later at night the cigarettes don't do this. (Been going on since I stopped xanax)

I am still not eating well, though it is better than the last time I saw you."

He had nothing to say about any of it really. When I asked what to do about the breathing spells in my sleep he said to put a board under my bed to raise it a little.

When I inhale sometimes I have congestion in my lung and I still am running low fevers of 99 to 99.5 so I did ask for an antibiotic..which are usually handed out like candy, but not today. He doesn't think I need one. Maybe I don't, but I feel so awful I am guessing at this point.

That was all. He said I could see him in a month and he prayed over me. (Him and my therapist are in the same building.)

My mother got her port put in this morning at the hospital because she is starting chemo next Friday. She is sore from that and drugged up on pain meds today. She was also a little groggy when she got home since they had to sedate her to put the port in. Tomorrow is her last day of Valtrex, her shingles are healing well so far.

The other night my father was in the basement on his computer and I went down to try to talk to him or maybe get some advice on what he would do in my situation. I didn't want to bother my mom because she was on the phone and resting on and off. I don't know why I bother trying to talk to my father, all I said was if he was me what would he do to try to get the doctors to listen about what is going on with my health.

He made his angry face which consists of pursing his lips and closing his eyes tight as he stuggles to mouth words out in and angry tone. "Talk to your doctor, not me, I don't know what is wrong with you, they say nothing is wrong with you. I think it is all up here." as he waved his hands around his head.

I asked him "why are you so angry." and he said "Look what do you want me to do?" I said "be a father and talk to me...I don't have anyone else to talk too about what is going on." and he said "Well I can't help that."

I don't know sometimes I am thinking about going back to my apartment. I don't know. I don't like being alone with all this going on, but I am sort of alone here anyway. Then I think I should stay because my mom will start chemo soon and maybe it would be better for her if I was here, esp. since my father lacks compassion towards her as well.

Thankfully late at night my heart seems to be doing well, no idea why at night it is better than during the day. I wake up and it starts and just keeps going all day. I guess that is better than when it was doing it 24/7.

I am still walking on the treadmill, today I did 14 mins. still building each day. Around 9 mins today while I was on it I got a funny feeling, but it passed and I kept walking. It felt almost like my blood pressure went high. I don't know.

I am living on mostly liquids and fruits now. Which is better than when it was all liquids. Sometimes my stomach feels OK and I eat pretty decent somedays.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Saw The New Therapist

I saw a new therapist today. She prayed before we started and said that people that found long term relief that she treated accepted the god that she prays to into their heart and that god is Jesus Christ. I wanted to laugh and die at the same time. I just said OK. I mean what do I say to that?

As she is talking about it ....all I could do was think about Jordan Maxwell, Mithra and the book Symbols, Sex, and the Stars.

There is really no other place I can go since I have no health insurance. Also I have to be seeing someone right now because I have applied for SSI again.

I am so lost. I know my heart issue is not caused by anxiety, I have been unable to get anyone to understand that and now I have people praying around me.

She said that she would teach me to like myself. I told her I do like myself. (I mean seriously it is other people I don't like.)

Todays session went something like this "How was your life in grammar school?" that is about as far as we got..oh and she only does 30 minute sessions.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Fear Of Cancer

Tonight I was sitting in my room and had a wave of anxiety....maybe more a wave of worry. I am sitting here with my pulse going fast today about 105 resting and my hands have been purple in color on and off today. That has been happening for years...I think I have bad circulation. I remember in high school in the winter my hands would turn so purple that parts became an orange color.

Anyway so I am sitting there like that and all of a sudden I realize I don't know what I would do if I got cancer. I thought about chemo and all the needles, medication and blood work that would need to be done and how my anxiety would be so high and how I would faint. If you remember I have a big fear of fainting, blood, needles and medications.

So I am sitting there and suddenly just felt awful and scared. My hands felt shaky and like an idiot I went outside to smoke to calm my fears. It is such a paradox...hey I am so scared of getting cancer lets go smoke.

After that I was peeling two oranges to blend in the blender, my hands were still shaky and I could feel my heart racing away like normal only faster because I scared myself.

I am having a hard time dealing with my moms cancer. It brings up so many fears of mine. The worst thing right now about it is soon she will have a port put in so she can have her chemo and then come home with the chemo still going in through her port for 3 days. I am scared I am going to faint from it since I don't like needles and stuff like that. I almost wonder if I will have to go back to my apartment for the few days she has it done. Yet I am scared of being alone right now and there is no one at my apartment. I feel stuck.

I am also worried about what will happen if and when she gets sick from the chemo. I am a very sensitive person..the kind of guy that will blush if someone else trips. If she has a seizure from the drugs or has any bad reaction I am scared I will faint or be traumatized by it. Again I keep putting myself in her shoes. I am scared of it happening to me and if it does I just don't know what I will do or how I will cope.

I think people really think that when I come faced with something like that I will just do it and be OK, but I won't, even with what I am going through now health wise I can't cope well...instead of pushing the doctors for more tests I am just sitting here to scared to actually push for tests because I am too scared of the tests themselves.

I feel very squeamish by many things and it makes me physically ill just thinking about it. The only way I can explain this is imagine if their was dog poop on the ground and you see some person walk up to it and rub it all over their face as they were eating it, then trying to kiss you. That feeling right their is how I feel a great deal of time..either from my own thoughts about future fears of medical things or automatic thoughts that my brain seems to just throw at me that are very graphic.

So right now I am just writing this still feeling a bit off and not really knowing what to do. I see the therapist tomorrow at 1:30pm. I wish I felt that would help, but it never has in the 18 years that I have seen different people. I try to stay positive and hope maybe she is a nice person who will finally get me, but then I know the reality will most likely be a repeat of everything I have heard before. I think they never understand their techniques and even their medication does not work on me, at least not well.

I don't understand the lack of studies being done on anxiety issues. I mean there is a ton of the general crap we all know, but there seems to be no in depth studies really looking at all aspects of is not one size fits all. I also believe there has to be a common theme..I just don't feel it is really being looked at. Sometimes I wish I was not as bad off as I am or I would have finished school and did the damn studies myself. I have played with the idea of making a site someday with massive amounts of questions for people with anxiety to fill out so I could go through and see if I can find something, anything that is new or points in a different direction. The only down side of this is people lie and some idiots would just fill it out who don't really have an anxiety disorder and that would mess all the results up.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The list of shame

So I have been keeping track of my pulse on and off. It is still running high..about 96 at rest. This afternoon I was standing outside talking to my mom and I had pressure in my head so I thought maybe my blood pressure was high so I checked. My blood pressure wasn't high, but my heart rate was 140...just from standing. This is starting to really piss me off. I see my new primary care doctor again on the 29th and I am going to let him know it is still happening. It is annoying that I am always told now that it is anxiety...sorry folks I am not nervous 24/7...and what about the days I had where it was normalish...what suddenly I was not nervous those days??

Regardless I walked on the treadmill again today. I am up to 10 minutes. I can not tell if I am out of breath or not..that is the problem with me I have a hard time telling stuff. I am asked "Are you out of breath?" and I say "No" or "I don't know." I mean after I went for years on one lung before I had surgery I did not feel breathless till the end stage of it and even then I wouldn't say I was so out of breath that I couldn't live. Sometimes I worry I have emphysema..the starting of it anyway. I am also asked if my stomach hurts or if I am nauseous, but I am not sure. I mean lets face it I have lived in a state of discomfort for so long I have no idea how I am suppose to feel. I mean sometimes I can feel a discomfort in my chest, maybe it is a mild burning, I am not sure..could be my bronchial tubes irritated from smoking...I have no clue.

So back in 1994 I was told I had ulcerative colitis and put on pills for a year. That was it no follow up, nothing else was ever said. So I assumed I just had to wait and see if it returned. For years on and off I get bad cramps on my left side. So bad I get close to fainting. Same doctor just started telling me it was IBS. So I just ignored it. Now I find out that ulcerative colitis usually causes pain on the left side and maybe that is what is hurting me. Then I find out that because I have ulcerative colitis I am supposed to have a colonscope every 2 years, because it can cause cancer and even if they find precancerous cells they remove the whole colon....well isn't that nice.

As if I don't have already have enough medical issues. Not to mention very bad phobias of medical procedures and my complete lack of trust and faith in the medical community right now.

So here is the run down of my issues both current and past:

1) High risk for colon cancer because not only do I have ulcerative colitis, but my mother has colon cancer and I am a smoker, and another issue which I will leave out for now.

2) H. Pylori infection

3) Congenital lobar emphysema

4) Kidney Reflux

5) Some unknown food intolerances that I can not find that make my heart pound and feel breathless for 2 hours after I eat some foods which include (skittles, starbursts, boost, ensure, many tv dinners, some fast foods.) It is actually a long list and when I compare ingredients there is not always a match..some how I think whatever it is is hidding in the terms "natural and artificial flavors".

6) Irritable bowel syndrome? (question mark because maybe it is the ulcerative colitis)

7) Vomiting easy

8) Sinus tachycardia

9) Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Agoraphobia and other phobias (after the list I just gave who the hell wouldn't have become a nervous wreck)

10) Pain in my right lung when I inhale since I have had surgery back in 2001

11) Sensitive to medication

All I know is for most of this I am completely on my own and I am going to have to decide what to do. In some areas I am going to have to eventually push doctors to listen up and stop saying everything is anxiety and in many of the other areas I am going to have to take control on my life and start trying to figure out how to fix myself. How I don't even know, but so far I still have my brain working so I am going to have to use it. I am also fully aware that I am going to just have to stop just is not helping at all. Not to mention I have to many cancer risk factors now.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Dear Claudia

Dear Claudia,

Back in Feb. I wrote this post about you (about half way down)

I remember writing it that day because I was so happy that you agreed to come see me. By that point in time I had been alone in my apartment for months. I was already very sick from coming off the xanax and really needed to talk to you. Just knowing that you were coming to see me was such a relief.

You said that you would see me Feb. 14th and I gave you directions to my apartment and my phone number and you gave me your cell number. You said you would be there in the afternoon.

I remember after you said you would see me I called my mom crying because I was so happy. We had been friends for such a long time. We were so close in high school and many many years after.

I had planned on my last dose of xanax being on Feb 12th, but I did not want to be a complete mess, so Feb 14th I took half a last dose. As sick as I was I took a shower and ironed some clothes. I never iron, but I had not seen you in a few years so I wanted to look decent for you. I even set my alarm to wake me up that morning so I could have time to clean my apartment up some for you.

Around 1pm I had not heard from you, but I assumed you were still teaching that water aerobics class, so I waited.

About 4pm I called your cell phone and left a voice mail for you to give me a call and let me know if you could still make it over to see me.

At 9pm I cried myself to sleep. You never showed up and you never called me back.

Feb 14th is an interesting date, see Keith and my anniversary would have been the 14th, but he left me in Nov., and if you remember many years ago we slept together on the 14th after your mother bought us that bottle of wine and I was living on Hudson Ave., of course Feb. 14th is also the last day I took xanax.

A few days later I saw you were leaving messages for people on facebook. You never even emailed me. You did not even have the decency to lie and makeup some story as to why you didn't come see me or call. You just never said anything.

Claudia, since that day when I reached out to you I have been in the ER three times, and seen three different doctors, my mother found out she had cancer, had surgery and soon with be starting chemo.

What you did hurt me deeply because I really needed a friend and little did I know soon after how much I needed one.

I am writing this because if you ever see this, as hurt as I was and am over what you did....I forgive you.

Adampants and Shingles

My mom met with the oncologist yesterday. She has to have a surgery soon to have a port put in her for the chemo. She will have chemo every 2 weeks for 6 months. She will go and stay for 3 hours then come home with a bag that connects to the port and it will pump chemo into her for 3 days. Then a nurse will come to the house and remove the bag. This will happen every 2 weeks.

Today my mom got a rash around her surgery scar. So she went to the hospital to make sure it was not MRSA. It turns out she has shingles. So now she has to take a medication for that and has to call the oncologist because she can't start chemo while she has shingles. So we won't know when her chemo will start. Shingles takes about 4-10 weeks to heal.

My mother asked what level her stage 3 cancer was at when she was at the oncologists office and he said 3C, which is what I thought after reading the American Cancer Society's website. So that is one step above stage 4 (Stage 4 is the last stage.).

Since they think they got all the cancer and the chemo is trying to prevent cancer cells that could have gotten loose from growing on other organs her 5 year survival rate is 44%. This type of cancer usually returns in the liver or lungs.

I am still the same. My heart rate is still high. Since the cardiologist said I can walk on the treadmill I started again. A few days ago I did 2 mph for 5 mins. That brought my heart rate into the 150's which is not acceptable for such little effort. Either way the next day I did 6 mins and today I was at 8 mins. Just increasing it by a minute every day.

I listened to this series on YouTube that I found interesting called "Healing Begins Now" by Jonathan aka adampants2007 and adampants2008 on YouTube (He deleted his first account adampants2007, but others uploaded his old stuff.)it is 27 parts and each 9 minutes long.

Some points I felt he was arrogant or crazy, but it was well worth listening too anyway.

The first clip has music and words then he talks in it. The last clip when he is done there is music then words shortly after again.

On the right side of the YouTube screen it will show the playlist, so when clip 1 is done you can click clip 2.. ect ect.

Part 16 and part 20 never worked for me so I moved on, but maybe it will work for you if you listen to the series.

Friday, May 22, 2009

How is babby formed?

I don't know if any of you use "yahoo answers", but if you do, stop. It is full of idiots. I always end up being linked to "yahoo answers" from google searches that I do.

I came across this gem. Someone even made a flash video about the question and answer which I will post below.

Ok here is the question:

"How is babby formed?????
how is babby formed?

how girl get pragnent?"

and here is the best answer selected:

"They need to do way instain mother> who kill thier babbys. becuse these babby cant frigth back it was on the news this mroing a mother in ar who had kill her three kids . they are taking the three babby back to new york too lady to rest my pary are with the father who lost his chrilden ; i am truley sorry for your lots"

This is the flash video someone made based on this yahoo question.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Today my heart is acting up again. It is 111 beats a minute at rest and about 138 beats standing. I walked on the treadmill today for the first time since April 1st when I almost fainted after using it. I only walked for 5 mins at 2mph and my heart rate went to 150 and I felt a little breathless. My goal is to increase it by 1 minute a day if I can.

The cardiologist said I can walk on the treadmill and that my heart is fine so whatever I will.

I have not been able to eat much for the past 2 days, but I am trying.

I made the mistake of going on facebook the other day to look up people I went to school with and old friends. I felt depressed after. They all had lives and seem happy and here I sit sick. Not only that, but my anxiety problems to begin with have kept me from having a real life for a long time. My whole life is just passing me by and I find that depressing.

I tried to find the people that picked on me for years in school, but oddly they don't have a facebook. I wanted to see if their life turned out good. I secretly hoped it hadn't, but then I don't want bad karma so I wish them the best.

My mom goes to see the oncologist Friday, so she will find out soon when she will be starting her chemo.

I called social services yet again today since they never return my calls and actually got a hold of someone there and setup a phone interview for June 10th at 11am. I also called my therapist who I was suppose to see this Saturday, but she said that the person she was waiting on to call back did and took the slot. So now I don't see her till Wed. of next week. I also called my old primary care doctor to see if I could get my medical records transfered to the new doctor and they said it will cost me 75 cents a sheet. When I asked how many sheets I had she huffed and said she would transfer me to medical records. I left a message, they have not called back yet. The woman that huffed is a real bitch. She is always so rude when you go to that office to check in.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I went to the heart doctor

Yesterday my heart went high again and today it is high too. I guess the 3 good days I had was just a good sign that I am healing from the xanax, but it isn't over yet.

I went and saw the heart doctor which was pointless. When I got there he didn't even know I had the 24 hour monitor and echo done, so I had to tell him and then he went to go look.

I gave him a small sheet explaining everything that has happened with dates, doses and symptoms. He looked like he read it, but then when I told him after I fainted what happened to my heart he said "you fainted?" It is like read the fucking paper. I mean for god sakes it is two paragraphs. When I get nervous I have a hard time remembering everything I want to say which is why I print out a small list.

He said as soon as I get on a "good SSRI" my heart rate should come down. OK did he miss the part when I took a "good SSRI" that I fainted and that is when my heart rate went high?

He did an EKG while I was there and said "it was the best he has seen in awhile." dispite the fact it was 110 beats a minute so OK.

Truth is they all think the heart is from anxiety. They are not understanding that I have had anxiety for 18 years and my heart has never acted this way. I asked if it was normal for me to have a resting heart rate of 88 somedays then when I stand up after a few minutes for it to be 130. He said "yeah heart rates go up and go down." I did not feel like playing doctor yesterday, but I already know that is not normal at all.

I asked if it was normal for my heart to be 142 when I get out of the shower and start skipping beat and he said "yeah sometimes the blood pressure drops when we take a shower so the heart speeds up." OK fine, but again my heart never did this before!

Because I have anxiety I am always asked the same question "Are you taking anything?" and when I say "No" the reply is "You should". I just tell them now that the medication messes me up. It doesn't matter though because anyone with mental illness who says that is completely blown off. After all how would I know? I have a mental illness. Having mental illness means I can't think or know what is best for me or my own body.

The woman who did my EKG told me about her friends teen son who has anxiety and it started when his parents took him the the Great Escape theme park. He wouldn't get out of the car and now he takes a pill and he is better. He was 16 years old. I thought the FDA said it is not a good idea to use SSRI drugs in teens because of the risk of suicide, but ok.

The Tech who took my blood pressure and heart rate told me this story as I was freaking out inside my body worried I was going to pass out from my anxiety and not eating that much that day. He said his great great great great grandfather was the thinnest man in the world and was basically a side show freak that was carted around. When he died they did an autopsy and it turns out he has a 15 foot tapeworm. Then he told me about how animals have parts of the tapeworm come out of their rear ends when it sheds its skin so his great great great great grandfather must have had that too. This is not the kind of story I wanted to hear when I felt like I was about to passout. So many times during that story I just wanted to say please stop talking, but I didn't. He also said he likes to say "great great great great grandfather". I think he was gay. He was cute too and if I was not so sick I would maybe have taken interest in him.

They were all nice there actually. The problem is they do not get it. To them I am "just nervous".

This whole time from the start of the thumping throat, the high blood pressure, fainting, fast pulse, dropping 17 lbs, throwing up all the time, sometimes so much small amounts of blood came up, being jolted out of my sleep with horrible adrenaline rushes, major depression, not being able to think clear and so much more. I could have just stayed home, nothing was done, nothing was found except the H. Pylori which I could have had for a long time.

Problem is I am still sick. I do not feel well at all, even when I feel better I am not myself. I guess my goal now is to stay off medication for as long as I can. I know someday if some major event happens like a major medical issue with me there is a good chance I will have to take an anti-depressant because of how I am. I hate the fact that I am trapped in a cycle. If I was mentally OK I could avoid these people altogether and these type of drugs. Maybe by then they will have something better or at least know what these pills do to people.

I have been going to anxiety forums on the internet. I was hoping that maybe others would be there that had ideas or found a better way to help themself. It is sad to say, but they are completely wrapped up in the medications and treat the doctors like they are God. Statements on these sites are "Did your doctor say you could come off your medication?" OK first off no one needs the doctor to give permission it is your body. "You have to trust the doctors he knows what is best for you." Really? Are you freaking kidding me? He doesn't even know when you come off these drugs how sick you get. "Don't read the side effects of the drug or you will get them." Yea OK sure lets all not be informed at all about what we are putting in your bodies or the risks involved. Even your doctor does not know the risks. Chances are when you get a side effect it will be told to you that it is just anxiety.

Sometimes I feel like I stepped out of the box of "reality" and I am looking in on the insanity. Litterally there are people who have been permanently damaged by these drugs and not only does the patient not know it, but the doctor tells them there mental illness has become worse or that they have a new mental illness now and the patient actually agrees "Yes Doctor.", "My doctor and I are a team." This is like some sci-fi bullshit.

The only thing I want in the world is to someday just die in my sleep. I can not be at the mercy of these people. The thing is they are not even bad people, they are not even trying to harm people, they don't even know that they are. They are wrapped up in this warped reality that almost everyone else is.

All it would take is for a patient or a doctor to look online in a few minutes they would find 10's of thousands of people suffering from these drugs and they would also find out that it is already known. It is talked about in medical journals and debated while people suffer and become damaged.

So do I have anything wrong with me that is going to kill me or keep me sick? Who knows no one will really check. In many ways I have stopped caring. I am scared there is, but at the same time if it kills me as long as it is quick then I will be OK with it I guess.

Below this post is a story I came across online yesterday and I wanted to post it for others to read. It is one of 1000's you can find of people suffering.

Oh and the visit to the heart doctor yesterday grand total $544.

A Womans Story

This is a story of a woman who was damaged by doctors and medication.

"I just wanted to share my story in case it might help someone.

I am currently 33 years old. For maybe 8 years of my life I tried various antidepressants with little to no success. The reasons for taking these were complicated; an abusive relationship; an abrupt transition from home to school in a different city; possibly birth control (it can cause depression); use of Accutane as a teenager (also can cause depression) and what I suspect may have been an adrenal problem. In 2002, I had a new GP and a new drug--Celexa. At first it seemed to do little, but I decided to stay the course as nothing seemed to be improving in my life. Gradually, over two years I began to lift out of the depression in some ways; a friend got me a job helping people which I enjoyed and I was forced to move out of a dysfunctional living arrangement. However, the endless need to sleep never left me, and on weekends I would not be interested in going out. I just wanted to "catch up" on sleep.

In 2005, after starting a new job, I found out, by accident, that acupuncture can be used to treat depression. I decided to give it a shot (I was there for cosmetic reasons initially.) After the first treatment, the weight of over ten years of depression lifted. I had so much energy I didn't know what to do with it all, having been accustomed to sleeping a lot. And food tasted better! It was like a physical epiphany for me, and I began a healthier life. I ate better quality food, took up walking and biking, and practiced meditation. I slept when I needed to and actually got up in the morning! I also rarely got sick, and found that herbal teas could help me fine tune any minor problems I had.

This euphoria lasted for about a year. I still had situational problems (work-related, and the abusive relationship) but I didn't feel so physically exhausted and defeated as I had. Then, quite abruptly, the relationship ended in a violent way. I was in shock, since I didn't know how to live on my own and support myself (my job was part time and did not pay well.) In anticipation that I would become depressed again, I took a quarter of a 20mg pill of Celexa. Little did I know how dramatically this would alter my life.

The pill made me nauseous, which had never happened before. Puzzled, and frustrated, I stopped it. Shortly afterwards I began noticing slight problems with memory. Occasionally I would space out for 15 mins or so. I thought the depression was coming back even stronger, but in a new form--I didn't need to sleep as much. In desperation I sought out my GP and asked him what he thought. He wanted me to take Paxil (a dangerous drug i knew better than to ingest) or Wellbutrin (the name gave me the creeps). I asked why I couldn't take the Celexa again if it had worked initially?So he prescribed it again.

Over the course of 6 months I started and stopped the drug three more times. Each time the problems both on and off the drug got worse. On 5mg I had nausea; off I started waking up early and not being able to return to sleep, had anxiety, anger and irrational thoughts and tiredness. Once I went back on, and then up to 10mg, then 20mg, my life began falling apart. I was so busy trying to get through each day that I couldn't take "stock" of my life to realize there was a pattern going on. Every day brought a new problem; at 20mg I had hallucinations, slowed thoughts, mania, severe depressive episodes the likes of which I cannot even begin to articulate, indecisiveness, heaviness in my arms and legs, urges to blink and make chewing movements, anxiety, feelings of impending doom, violent thoughts and suicidal urges. One day I had a powerful urge to run off a bus that was going 60mph on a busy highway. I had to fight minute by minute the urge to do this, for over an hour.

What clinched this as an adverse reaction, and not me going "crazy" because of past abuse and work-related stress, was this: I began passing dark, tarry stools on 20mg. Having searched in vain for the answer, looking through psych texts and visiting doctors, I realized, after looking at a calendar, that when my dose had increased so had the symptoms worsened/changed. Frantically I searched for the drug info, and when I found it, I found the answer. Dark stools--call your doctor immediately. Only I was so "crazy", and also ignorant of the medical system (I didn't realize I could contact a doctor over the phone whom I had seen in an emergency clinic) that I thought I would start weaning myself off the drug (which I had had to do with Effexor years prior to this) and tell the doctor on my next visit.

Well, that didn't work. I wound up with new symptoms; paranoia, panic attacks, tingling sensations. In desperation I asked my GP if this was withdrawal-related. I was told "no" (even though this was classic withdrawal) and that I should return to 20mg and wait until I stabilized. There was no way I was going to do that. He also told me, and I quote: "you might have something like MS". This lead me to nearly drive my car into a tree, the anxiety and drug withdrawal being so overwhelming after leaving his office. That day I checked into the psych ward.

From there my life continued downhill; I was (unknowingly) given an antipsychotic to "treat" the drug reaction and c/t withdrawal (which the doctor had ordered.) This drug led to another reaction, and withdrawal and eventually I developed an extreme form of a drug-induced movement disorder called akathisia. This disorder is basically the fight or flight reaction gone haywire; I paced all day and could not stop, and had unimaginable anxiety running through me. For this I was re-admitted to the hospital, given the dangerous AP AGAIN (and told it was not the same drug). This second visit culminated in what can only be described as a chemical lobotomy. I lost my ability to keep track of time, to spell; had severe dissociation, problems focusing my eyes, burning sensations in my skin, electric shock sensations, profound weight loss (I was passing foods without digesting them), hair loss, akathisia, memory loss, uncontrollable crying, confusion...the list is very long. The psychopathic doctor I saw there insisted I had "an agitated depression" (whatever the hell that is) and pounded away at me to take benzodiazepines until eventually, not caring whether I lived or died, I acquiesced. One day, while trying to explain to the doctor I thought I was in withdrawal from Celexa, she laughed at me. It was then I realized I would die if I did not get released so I hid my symptoms as best I could and my Mom abducted me from the hospital, returning only to demand they write for the drugs they had me on to keep the akathisia at bay.

That was over two years ago. I am still on the drugs I was started on in the hospital. Unfortunately, though I knew two of them were addictive, no one told me it only takes two weeks to become addicted to them. I have managed to partially wean down off two (of three). My life has been destroyed by this. I have dementia and I am only 33. I cannot recall most of my life, have no imagination, creativity; I have not felt happiness in over two years; I have bouts of insane anger when I used to be pathologically passive; I have developed food sensitivities, cannot tolerate extremely hot/cold weather, no understanding of time, panic attacks, akathisia, poor spelling, myoclonus, etc....What I feel best sums up my current state is a nearly complete poverty of mind. It is profound and overwhelming, and was totally avoidable.

As to the misdiagnoses, I was labeled depressed, bipolar, "depressed and agitated" as I mentioned, dissociated (which is true). My GP said I had MS. My current psych, whom I only see for refills, has tried to give me ECT which I flatly refused. He has tried to diagnose me with fibromyalgia, and then neurasthenia. Anything to get around "drug reaction" it seems. Two doctors did admit I had a drug reaction, but the follow up care was more drugs with one, and "return to your GP" from the other (he was an emergency doctor.)

I urge anyone reading this to not only be aware that depression has many causes for which non-drug treatments exist, but also that your choices for treatment are not simply drugs or therapy. Exercise, diet changes, acupuncture, yoga, meditation, vitamin B12 shots, light therapy/vitamin D therapy, talking to friends, self-help, EFT, St. John's Wort--these are some of the therapies that can help. Look at your lifestyle and find out if you have been exposed to any toxins, have thyroid problems, adrenal problems, a sleep disorder, etc or are taking medications which you don't need which could be causing depression (birth control pills, muscle relaxants, tranquilizers/benzos, beta-blockers are just some of the drugs which list depression as a "side" effect.) Look for spiritual answers, read philosophy, and realize that this way of life is very toxic and a powerful depressant itself. There are other ways to live--dream them."

Monday, May 18, 2009


I woke up at 3am and I am having anxiety about seeing the heart doctor today. I was laying in bed and when I inhale my right lung and chest tingles and hurts when I take a full breath. This has been happening on and off since I had lung surgery back in 2000. I know some of it has to do with my smoking, but I am unable to quit. I layed in bed and cried for about 10 mins over things which include me missing Keith, my fucked up body and messed up mind, my mom being sick and me being alone and over just tired of being sick and tired.

I went out back to my parents back porch and had 4 cigsarettes. I was crying during all of them. After the second cigarette I threw up on my parents back lawn. It was just liquid so no one will see it. Then I just kept wiping my nose with a tissue.

I could hear Timo my cat in the basement meowing to come out because he thinks people are awake now and he is ready to eat. He will be coming out when my parents wake up in and hour.

Yesterday I had cramps around 4pm and it hurt so bad I almost fainted while on the toliet. After I was very pale and weak for several hours. This has happened on and off for years as well. I was told by a doctor back in 1994 that I have ulcertive coltis and IBS.

I have so much wrong with me I don't know where to turn sometimes.

It is 4am now and I am going to try to sleep a few more hours if I can. I feel overwhelmed with how sick I always feel.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Sad about life

Recently I feel very sad about life. I have no idea what my purpose is or where I am going to go from here with my life. Sometimes I want a do over. I feel like I made way to many mistakes in my life and there is a lot I wish I could have done differently.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish that I was solid in some belief that would give me comfort and strength. I wish there were more real, solid, well adjusted people in my life that I could lean on. I know people can't change how I feel or take away the pain I have or will have to go through, but it would be nice to have a strong person who understood and who I could just share my burdens with.

I also wish that I was better emotionally balanced. Recently because of what has happened with my mother I have a growing fear of cancer and how I am going to cope should that happen to me and how I will cope with getting a colonscope at 40 with all my fears. Who I will feel close enough and safe with to take me to these type of appointments? Will even have a partner by then that will be there for me?

I have stopped crying all the time, but I find now I still cry, just alone in my room for short spurts of time when these thoughts come up. I could do the "stay in the present" deal because none of this is happening right this second to me, it is all future events. However I do not want to get to the future events should they happen without a plan or without being able to cope.

There is some future event coming for almost everyone and I assume many will get though it OK because maybe they do not have so much fear and worry, a strong family, a strong faith in their religion, whatever gives them their source of comfort, power or feeling of control. What happens when you don't have any of that. I am sure their is many people like me around the world, how do they cope and find strength and peace?

When I have agoraphobia and social anxiety among other problems how do I get the things and people I need?

Friday, May 15, 2009

TV B-Gone

Since I have been staying at my parents I have not watched TV. Well when I first got here the first few days I did, then I started reading again and when I was able to use my laptop I just have been watching videos on youtube.

For a long time I have wanted to give TV up, but I always had shows that I just "had" to watch. Like The View, Nip/Tuck, Brothers and Sisters and a list of others. I knew that I was all wrapped up in what some fictional people were doing and yet I still felt the need to watch.

Now that it has been long enough away from TV I find that I do not miss it at all. I have no plans as of now to even going back to watching it. Of course I am still watching something because I am watching YouTube, but at least on there I get to pick what I want to watch at any moment and I am not forced to watch mindless programming and commercials.

Recently all I watch are videos on spirituality and some nanotechnology, but of course if I get bored of one topic I will just search for something else.

My mom went to lunch with her friend today. It was her first time out since her surgery. She said she was nervous a little, but glad to get out of the house.

I have it in my head today that I am going to need a cardiac catheterization and I am freaking myself out because it is something I know I can't or won't do because of the risks involved and my own fears which are so powerful that I would actually let myself die before I did it. It they could knock you out for it I would do it, but since you have to be awake there is no way. Hopefully I won't need one and by the time I need something like that hope I will be much older and they will have a different way of doing something like that. God I hope I am never faced with having to make that choice.

Other than that I have been eating pretty well today. The past two days food wise have been decent and my heart still seems to be calming down slowly. I just hope it all just goes back to noraml and I can over time put this nightmare behind me.

I will just be glad if when I see the heart doctor Monday that it will be completely uneventful and he just thinks I am some nervous nut job and sends me on my way. I just do not want anymore tests I have been though enough for now and still have to go through stuff with my moms chemo to help her and some how work on myself and figure out what the hell I am going to do with my anxiety problem now that medication for it is no longer an option.

You would think with all the fear I have over my heart that I would have stopped smoking by now, but I haven't, not that I have not tried, one day I got 24 hours with no smoking before I have back in.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

77 Beats

I had to fill out all the forms for social services today, so I can be denied medicaid and if denied I can then get the hospitals sliding fee for all the ER visits I had and the tests on my heart. I also called social services back after they called me. I have called them for days, but they of course they never get back to me. I have to setup a phone interview with them since I am being forced to apply for SSI/SSD because I am applying for medicaid and can't work. The SSI forms I filled out back in April.

One good thing happened to me today, I was sitting here and though my heart was fast this morning, the last time I checked it it was 77 beats a minute which is what I use to get before all this started. I have to keep hoping that my heart will just go back to normal. I see the heart doc on Monday.

I am waiting for the therapist to call me back so I can setup another appointment because I was not able to get to the last one.

The depression is coming in waves, but not as bad as it was the other day. I cried when I woke up today, but after that I feel simi-balanced right now. I still can not eat much, but sometimes I wonder since that was the first sypmtom I had if that will be the last to go. I am definitely eating more now than I was back in March and even a little more than April.

I have a lot to figure out for myself once all this is over because I have major issues to face anyway with my life right now. I will just be glad when what has happened to me does end. This without a doubt has been the most hellish experience of my life and all caused by a drug that was suppose to "help" me.

Funny thing is you take a medication and when it does something to you like magic no doctors know anything about it and you are painted as crazy. After all you have anxiety issues so it is just in your head.

Short of anaesthesia I will never take a benzo again. Even when it comes to anaesthesia I might see if they can do it without any benzo's being used. My only advice on this is if you take or thinking about taking valium, xanax, ativan or klonopin (or any drug in the benzo family) think long and hard before you do and if you are already taking one know that there is a chance what happened to me could happen to you. Not everyone will have a problem, but if you do you will experience pure hell and torture as everyone around you just thinks you are crazy and the doctors will be of no help.

If you are going through benzo withdrawal goto and there are people there that will understand and can talk to you so you won't feel so alone in this. (The average time to get well after coming off a benzo if you have this problem is 6-18 months)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Profoundly Sad

I am so profoundly sad. I don't even know what to do anymore. I am upset about my mom being sick and even if she gets better someday she will go and I will be left here alone. I do not have anyone in my life right now that I really feel comfortable with. I am sick and very worried about that. All my fears are very hyped up and very active so much so they have me frozen in fear unable to make proper moves or proper actions. Not that I even know what the proper moves or actions are. Everything seems like the wrong answer and it all involves making things maybe worse or more problems for myself down the line.

I am tired of crying, but it is the only release I have right now. I am some what angry at people for what I am not even completely sure. Some is for not being there in the way that I need them to be. I am mad at myself for not being able to pull myself together or for not having had a better plan if something like this ever came up in my life, not even a better plan, but a plan at all.

I find myself now watching all sorts of out there videos on spirituality because there is nothing else I can try to do to find peace. That is what I want more than anything right now is peace and calm. I know none of this will just end and some of the stuff I am completely devastated by is in fact reality and how life goes. Only I have found that I can't cope with reality. I can't stand to now know all the suffering that is taking place not only in my life, but in many peoples lives all around the world.

The sense of my own impermanence and everyones around me has me locked in a prison I am so scared by that. My mom says "Don't think about it." I try not too and then like a flood gate opening I am washed over again in the harsh reality of what is. It is hard for me to dismiss it because if I was scared of something that was not real then I could reassure myself, but how do I calm something that is real and not only real, but happening to me right now?

For awhile I thought I just wanted to feel well again (and I do) and to be happy, but then I realized that happiness and wellness are fleeting states of mind. I can not always be happy and I can not always be well, because I will become ill. So that is why I just want peace of mind. I just can't find it yet and so worried that I will never find it.

Below I will post a video clip and while I know there is truth in what this woman is saying I am not in a state of mind as of yet to hold its truth and help myself. I can however make my thoughts stop for a time.

Very Alone

I am very lonely. I wish so badly that I had a boyfriend right now. Ideally I wish I was still in a long term relationship with someone who knew me very well by now. Telling your story all over again and really getting to know someone takes time.

I have not been the most perfect person in my past. I have a long twisted history, but I really am a good person. Right now with everything that is going on in my life with my mothers illness and my own, it is very lonely not having anyone my within my age range to love and be loved by. Friends are OK, but really having someone there for you to help and hold you is sometimes needed.

Every night I go to bed alone and all I want is to have someone next to me that I can kiss good night. What is even better is for small moments I could forget myself while I had conversion with them about their day and about their worries. I want someone who gets me. They do not even have to get me completely, but I want them to enjoy me enough that all my bad fades into the background. A lot of times I just want someone to hold my hand. I would even settle with just touching my hand, that brief brush of theirs on mine so I know they care.

I have had so many health issues for as long as I can remember. Truth is I really do not know if I am going to ever get to live to be old. I am scared of dying without someone in my life. Maybe I won't die anytime soon, but I would still like to be able to grow old with someone.

So who is my perfect mate then? I guess the following would be good:

Age 30-45
OK looking they don't have to be a model. I just have to have some form of attraction to them
Not a cheater
Not super into sex because for some reason I haven't been for a long time.
Compassionate and understanding (with me that is a must.)
Drug free
Willing to help me and stand up for me when I can't.
Someone who does not like to go out a lot because I can't really do that with agoraphobia.

I am not fooling myself about my mother. I went to tonight and looked up how they stage different levels of stage 3 colon cancer and from what I can tell from the amount of glands infected with cancer cells she has about a 44% chance of being here in 5 years.

I do not have any other close family besides my mom since my dad and I are not close and the rest of the family I have not seen in years. We just never were a close family. When she goes I really will be alone and she is my support and listens to me. She really is the only one who has been there for me through the years, but I guess that is what mothers do.

I do not know how I am going to get through the rest of my life. How I will be able to do all this alone without a partner. I can't be the only person sitting here tonight lonely in a very bad situation.

For so many years I went out and met so many people, for a time I was even "popular" and after all those years and all those people I hardly met any that were decent. So many people are on drugs or hooking up with everyone behind other peoples backs and it seems when the going gets rough most run away. I can't tell you how many 50+ year old men I would see out at the bars only interested in 18 year olds and complaining that they were alone. If they only would date with in their age range they may find someone stable. It seems to be all about looks and youth in the gay world. After age 25 you are worshipped less and after 30 forget it all the new crowd says you are old.

There has to be someone that would love me and thinks a lot like me out there. I know if there is he is most likely in his bedroom right now sleeping because it is late and I am sitting here needing him so bad.

Monday, May 11, 2009

My Moms Cancer

I was able to eat this morning. I felt pretty good. I felt like the old me for a few hours. My heart rate even slowed down and was mostly normal for awhile.

April 22nd my mom had surgery to remove her colon cancer and she has been healing. Today she saw her doctor for her follow up. The cancer has spread to the glands and was detected after her surgery in the pathology report. So she was told about that today and will have to see a doctor soon and will need 6 months of chemo. Her stage is stage 3. Which is not the worst, but not the best. They had hoped it was stage 1. Now when she see's the new doctor she will have to find out if it is stage 3A,3B or 3C. It makes a large difference if you are A,B or C since 5 year survival rate for 3A is 83% and 5 years for 3C is 44%.

I am glad I had that time to feel well this morning it gave me a small break. Now I am just upset about my mom having to have chemo. I have not cried over it yet. It is one of those things that will hit me in a little while. She is being positive about it. I can tell she is upset. She is hoping they can work the chemo around my nephews wedding that is coming up in July in the state next to mine. I am in NY and the wedding is in VT.

She had a 2 week cruise planned with my father, but I am not sure if she will be able to go on that now. I didn't bring it up I figure I will let her just tell me if they are going to cancel it or not.

Maybe it really is the xanax

I know I got sick when I came off xanax back in Feb., but because I have been so sick I still have a lot of doubt. Esp. since this does not happen to everyone taking xanax. Not to mention there is not very much information on this happening to people on medical sites. No doctor that I have seen so far has ever heard of what I am going through. I am told over and over "It is not the benzo", "I never heard of that.", "You are just overbreathing" (which makes me want to smack them).

Anyway I was looking around the internet tonight trying to find more information on what is happening to me and I came across the following posts that I will now post for anyone interested in reading.

"In June 2003, out of nowhere I had a panic attack driving down a freeway. Following on from this, I was prescribed Xanax. A 'harmless' drug I was told by my Dr., that was not addictive at all...

After 3 months of taking Xanax I decided I wanted to quit. The drug was not taking away my anxiety, and in many ways I felt worse since taking it. I stopped suddenly, cold turkey style. A huge mistake. I experienced a night of terrors, panic attacks and hallucinations that was beyond anything I have ever experienced before. Going back to my Dr., I explained I wanted him to wean me off this drug. He refused, saying "I needed to be on it for at least 6 months". It was then I decided that I would have to do this myself.

Over the next 3 months, I halved my Xanax dose every two weeks until I was clean off it. My withdrawal symptoms were minimal. But this rapid taper soon caught up with me once I was free of the Xanax. Over the next few months, I suffered from extreme levels of anxiety, agorophobia, feelings of terror / impending doom and strong sensations of unreality. Suicidal thoughts were often my companion. There were days and nights, where I thought I was one step away from insanity or death.

It's been through the support of God, my lovely Wife and my friends here, that I made it through this ordeal. Soon I will hit my 'year free from Xanax' anniversary. I still get bouts of symptoms, especially feelings of unreality and fear...but things have settled down.
I know by sharing our stories and supporting each other, great comfort and healing can give relief. If there's one thing I've learned from this experience, it's the re-assurance that 'we are not going crazy' is at times so very very important.

God Bless

I had the racing heart too. Very annoying. It persisted for weeks....120 bpm all day. I had it checked out at other doctors' advice. My heart was absolutely fine!

Just tapering the Klon too fast!!!!!! Once I slowed down, my heart rate stayed in a manageable area...has not yet returned to normal, I might add.

After one month of protein shakes/bars meal replacement drinks, and subsequently making my heart race, i decided to eat some real foods.

I had green bell pepper, rice cakes, and some lentil soup. I was up at 2 am puking the lenti soup.

Is it ok to not eat for a while? Maybe just take a multivitamin and drink water?

I ate organic during my taper although I didn't eat much. I would actually forget to eat. I lived on a bowl of Cheerios and organic milk once a day for a couple of months. My heart raced all through and after my taper. Just drinking water and taking a multi is not wise. Most members have no problems eating fresh vegetables and fruits (although I have noticed that a couple of members stated that bananas revved up their anxiety). Eat a good protein and a healthy carb. Hopefully your nauseanous will resolve. Your cognitive function (IMO) has nothing to do with what you were ingesting. It is all part of the w/d process. I have been off xanax for 8 months and I think it is slightly improving. There was no way I could have exercised as it caused hyperventilation, shortness of breath, tightening of the throat and revved up my anxiety level among other symptoms. Of course, other members did well with their exercise program. Bloating and diarrhea are very common, too, and I just stayed away from fats and sugars after my taper was finished.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

AIM Button

I added the AIM button on my blog so anyone can talk to me. Don't worry about bugging me because if I don't feel like talking I just won't be signed on. I made this screen name for the blog only so if I am on I am most likely lonely and hoping someone will message me.

Today I have cried a lot in private. I miss my life and feeling well. Nothing has changed illness wise. Just down and scared.

Friday, May 8, 2009


I have been in such bad shape and so worried. So I have been searching on google for things such as the "meaning of life", "depression", "I can't cope", "benzo withdrawal" and I came across this mans story which I will post below with a link to it as well. It upset me because it lit up a lot of my own fears, but at the same time it made me see that whatever it is I am going through right now be it benzo withdrawal (which I am 90% sure it is) or whatever it is is not this bad. I thought maybe after reading this story the next time I am was in a bad place from all of this I can think of this man and get strength to cope.

"My real name is Michael and I would like if possible for someone to try and explain to me why I feel so angry and upset at my current situation. I am a very young 58 year old with a lot left to do in life, but apparently not the time left to do it. Two years ago a visit to the doctor with a sore throat, started a chain of events which has been a roller coaster of emotions. After several tests which although not too painful, worrying or uncomfortable (I say all that because I am a man and I can cope) were completed, It was decided I had throat cancer, cancerous cells on the vocal chords were the actual words used. After the initial shock, I was told no problem, as seven out of ten cases are completely cured by radiotherapy. I went home quite happy (because I am a man and I can cope) to await my appointment for three weeks of daily radiotherapy. Anyway my time came, and I got quite used to wearing a skin tight mask and having it bolted to the bed along with the rest of me, and then laying there in the dark while this massive machine blasted my neck with x rays. I remained quite cheerful (because I am a man and I can cope).

When it was all over I was given an appointment for three months later, by which time the effects of the radiotherapy would have settled down. After a while I was able to eat normally again, and the badly burned skin on my neck was healing well, due to the cream. It had been explained to me that there are side effects to radiotherapy such as difficulty in swallowing and some soreness of the skin. This was no problem to me (because I am a man and I can cope). At my appointment with the consultant, he had a look with a camera, and then said “there is something still there; we need to do a small operation and take a biopsy”. He really didn’t say anything to reassure me this time, but no problem (because I am a man and I can cope).

The doctors returned and told me the cancer was in the voice box but all the surrounding area was clear. They then told me the voice box had to come out. This was a major operation but imperative. I would in future breathe through the neck and have to learn to talk again through a valve that they would insert during the operation. The advantages were, as the doctor explained, would then be pain, and cancer free. This pain thing I hadn’t noticed (because I am a man and I can cope).

The operation took place within a week, and within a week after that it started to go wrong. The wounds refused to heal leaving holes between my eating areas and my breathing areas, allowing food or drink to potentially fall into my lungs. It was explained to me that this was another side effect of radiotherapy i.e. the healthy tissue is also damaged in that blood supply to that area is restricted making it difficult for tissue to knit together. Five months followed of being fed through a tube up my nose. This in turn was followed by another major operation to improve blood supply to my neck by moving muscle in my chest. This did the job, but it also has side effects. Movement in my left arm is restricted, my chest area, along with my neck is badly disfigured, and it hurts like hell. The pain killers take the edge of it so I don’t complain (because I am a man and I can cope).

The doctors decided to operate again to try and tidy up the neck area because it was affecting the positioning of the breathing hole. This relatively minor operation turned into a major one, because they found more cancer. This was removed but I ended up being fed through the nose again for three months while my neck tried to heal itself. I now felt a different pain, this was a pain in my mind, I think it is called despair. I tried to ignore it (because I am a man and I can cope). My neck did heal eventually and I am back to eating properly with the help of pain killers, (But I can cope etc, etc).

A month later, the final straw, now the doctors are saying the scan shows there is more cancer in the neck, but more operations are out of the question because of my body’s inability to heal properly will leave me severely disfigured inside and out and unable to eat normally. All that can be done is to watch me and wait until I become unwell and then try chemotherapy. Even my voice valve has gone so I can’t talk anymore. All this time, two years in total, and look at the position I am in. The cure has done more damage than the cancer. I have had two years of false hope and pain and I can’t cope anymore. (Is it because I am a man and we don’t cope very well). This has helped, putting it down on paper I mean, albeit a bit tongue in cheek, but it’s not bloody fair. There must be someone who has an idea how I feel.. I can’t even talk about it for goodness sake."

His story just made me put my own suffering into context. I am not in a good place, but it could always be worse. I guess his story also makes me wonder why is this planet so messed up? Why is there so much suffering and pain? I don't think I could cope with what that man went though. Sometimes I do not think I am very strong.

Monday, May 4, 2009


I was so sick today (what the hell is new). I woke up aching and feeling weak. My heart was of course racing and I ended up throwing up soon after I got up. I feel at the end of my rope with all this. I walk around crying and my parents think it is all mental. I try to explain to them over and over that I am crying because I am so sick and because my whole body aches. I just am so wore out I don't know what else to do.

I wish it would just kill me already if it is going to. I rather have it happen sooner than later because this is just dragging on and on.

My mother threatned to put me in a mental hospital because she thinks I want to kill myself, which made me angry and stirred up a ton of fears of being forced druged or forced to stay some place. She and my father do not understand I do not want to kill myself and when I said I didn't care if it kills me anymore it was because I am fed up. Some illness killing me is not the same as suicide.

My father, I don't even know what to say. He is telling me now to stop taking tylenol as if that caused all this. I started taking it because my whole body aches and has a mild burning feeling while it does it. I hurt all the time.

I actually sit in my bedroom crying quietly while my parents watch tv and laugh and worse they know sometimes that I am crying or sitting here very sick taking deep breaths to cope. I don't expect my hand to be held 24/7, but damn I should not feel this alone around family. If anyone comes sometimes to talk to me it is my mom, but my father never. I am tired of the excuse that he wasn't raised to be emotional. I need him to be supportive for me and to talk to me so I can get through this. My mom can only do so much she is still healing. There is nothing like being sick and people not understanding or at least talking to you so you can vent or talk it out.

My father says to tell the therapist. Doesn't he get that is not a replacement for a parent. One hour a week can not replace real people in my life or replace family.

My mom said well your father drives you to the doctors. As if I couldn't get a taxi to do that and the only reason why he does is because he has to. My mother would have a fit if he didn't. She says "he is concerned about you just like I am." really so when I am in tears after throwing up he says nothing. Never even asks how I feel.

I don't know I guess you would have to be here to understand what I am saying. I can't even think that clear today so I don't even know if I am getting my point across.

I don't know what to do anymore. I would go home to my apartment, but I know I am too weak to do that right now. I don't even know what to write anymore. I am in such bad shape and no one is fucking getting it. Anyone who knows me knows I wanted to live to be old and my goal was to get to 100 years old. They know that I even read books on immortality and such. I was into natural health. I remember it so clearly, but I am so removed from it all now. I don't even care if I die if it means this stops. That should give some people a freaking clue as to how ill I am.

I have been to the ER three times and the doctors office two times, had heart tests run and I am not any better off and no one has offered anything as to why or what to do. I use to believe in God at least 50% of the time. Now I pretty much don't at all.

I am eventually going to swallow whatever pill they give me. I don't care anymore. I have no real support system and I am to wore out and ill to fight for myself.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Sucky Day

Today is not a good day at all. Yesterday was much better. My heart is back around 124 and my whole body aches. I have only been able to eat 2 jars of baby food and a few rice cakes. I just took some tylenol to see if it helps.

I wish someone else could feel this. Days like this I feel like I am going to die. I am so wore out that just moving a few bags of food around on my bedroom floor I get wore out and have to sit down.

Tues. I see a therapist for the hell of it
Wed. heart doc
Fri. gastro doc

My goal is to get to all these appointments. When I can eat some it helps. The second day of my xanax taper (Jan. 23) my hunger just went away and that was only from taking a dose from every 8 hour to every 10 hours. Vomiting started the 3rd day. I don't understand any of this. I wish I never took xanax.

I am scared of when I have surgery again someday (esp. if it is anytime soon) they use benzo's to knock you out and I don't know if I am sensitized to them now forever. The last thing I need is for something simple like a colonscope to turn into months of pure torture.

Worse is sometimes I wonder if I am permanently damaged form xanax. No one would ever believe me anyway. No one really believes me now. No one in a position to help me anyway.

Out of all the people on the internet I wish some doctor would come along and read all this crap. A doctor that could help anyway. One with experience in this happening to other people.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Heart Docs appointment moved

I couldn't go to the heart doctor because I was not able to eat and started vomiting. I felt way to weak. I called to move my appointment. It is next Wed at 1:30pm.

It is good that I canceled though because I asked them over the phone for my own peace of mind what the results of my 24 hour monitor and heart echo were and they showed I never had any tests run. They spent the rest of the day tracking my test results down from the hospital. So I would have showed up there and they wouldn't of even had my damn results nor knew I even had tests run.

What annoys me the most is that office said when they got my results if it was anything dangerous they would get me in sooner. All this time they didn't have them and I could have been walking around with a dangerous heart condition.

They called back later and my heart valves showed up as normal on the heart echo and I have a fast heart rate (this I know). They did say it was coming from the sinus node so that was OK and when I see the doctor on Wed. he will explain that to me.

Last night my heart was 96-120. Today it has been pretty normal. The first normal day since March 4th. It has been 75-88 sitting and mostly 93-96 standing (it was 113 once while standing, but it did not last long.)

My eating is still off and I did not eat that much today so far. Last night I suddenly got hungry and I had a roast beef sandwich and a can of beef and barley soup. Then I had a can of beef ravioli. It felt so good to eat food.

Maybe my body is slowly getting back to normal. 30 days ago my resting heart rate was 122 and I was living on juice. I was throwing up all the time and had heart rates spiking to 158. I am almost scared to think I am getting better. I don't want to be let down and I know if this is protracted xanax withdrawal it comes in waves and it can get worse again. The average time to get better from benzos in some people is 6-18 months.

My mind wants to do things today, but my body is what is holding me back. I feel like talking to people and I have been thinking about when I use to go out to the clubs all the time and how I miss it. I miss hooking up sometimes as well. I know I can't go back to that life either, but it is nice to actually have the thought again.

Cigarettes for a long time were making my heart rate worse. I would go from having a standing pulse of 89 to a standing pulse of 142 after just one cigarette. I knew damn well they never did that before to me. I almost did not want to quit till I was sure it was not them. I was thinking what if I quit and my heart rate goes back to normal and I will never know if it was the cigarettes or the xanax withdrawal causing my body to react to cigarettes that way. I needed to know in case ten years after I quit if I was very stressed out and decided to take back up smoking that I could and it wasn't going to do that to my heart rate. (Sort of like a future comfort blanket that I could smoke again if I had too.)

Today the cigarettes had next to no effect on my heart rate outside of the normal. It would raise it 15 to 20 beats a minute and that was completely in range of what cigarettes do. I finally got my answer. So now I will quit smoking. I started to get my answer over the past few days when sometimes it would spike high and other times there was no real spike in heart rate and once it was lower after I smoked.

I am not looking forward to quitting. It is really the last thing I have left and it makes me feel like crap when I stop. I can't drink alcohol and no more vices. That makes me sad in a lot of ways and makes me wonder how I will cope. I am such a boring 33 year old.

I am also sad because I am not like everyone else. I should be out having fun and doing things. Even outside of my current illness my own anxiety has robbed me of so many things.

I have had bad anxiety. Not take a deep breath and relax anxiety, but crushing anxiety for 18 years. I will deny myself medical tests because of it and dental visits. My anxiety takes away my social life completely.

I have done CBT, prayed, meditated, ate right, vitamins. Nothing stops my anxiety (eating right keeps it in check better)....ect large amounts of alcohol..about 12 beers. However I gave up drinking in Nov 2007 because I had a drinking problem.

The other night I ended up cutting my hair and taking a shower. My heart rate went to 142 because I dared to actually move around. I was so angry, but at least my hair was cut.

So that is where I am today so far.