Yesterday my heart went high again and today it is high too. I guess the 3 good days I had was just a good sign that I am healing from the xanax, but it isn't over yet.
I went and saw the heart doctor which was pointless. When I got there he didn't even know I had the 24 hour monitor and echo done, so I had to tell him and then he went to go look.
I gave him a small sheet explaining everything that has happened with dates, doses and symptoms. He looked like he read it, but then when I told him after I fainted what happened to my heart he said "you fainted?" It is like read the fucking paper. I mean for god sakes it is two paragraphs. When I get nervous I have a hard time remembering everything I want to say which is why I print out a small list.
He said as soon as I get on a "good SSRI" my heart rate should come down. OK did he miss the part when I took a "good SSRI" that I fainted and that is when my heart rate went high?
He did an EKG while I was there and said "it was the best he has seen in awhile." dispite the fact it was 110 beats a minute so OK.
Truth is they all think the heart is from anxiety. They are not understanding that I have had anxiety for 18 years and my heart has never acted this way. I asked if it was normal for me to have a resting heart rate of 88 somedays then when I stand up after a few minutes for it to be 130. He said "yeah heart rates go up and go down." I did not feel like playing doctor yesterday, but I already know that is not normal at all.
I asked if it was normal for my heart to be 142 when I get out of the shower and start skipping beat and he said "yeah sometimes the blood pressure drops when we take a shower so the heart speeds up." OK fine, but again my heart never did this before!
Because I have anxiety I am always asked the same question "Are you taking anything?" and when I say "No" the reply is "You should". I just tell them now that the medication messes me up. It doesn't matter though because anyone with mental illness who says that is completely blown off. After all how would I know? I have a mental illness. Having mental illness means I can't think or know what is best for me or my own body.
The woman who did my EKG told me about her friends teen son who has anxiety and it started when his parents took him the the Great Escape theme park. He wouldn't get out of the car and now he takes a pill and he is better. He was 16 years old. I thought the FDA said it is not a good idea to use SSRI drugs in teens because of the risk of suicide, but ok.
The Tech who took my blood pressure and heart rate told me this story as I was freaking out inside my body worried I was going to pass out from my anxiety and not eating that much that day. He said his great great great great grandfather was the thinnest man in the world and was basically a side show freak that was carted around. When he died they did an autopsy and it turns out he has a 15 foot tapeworm. Then he told me about how animals have parts of the tapeworm come out of their rear ends when it sheds its skin so his great great great great grandfather must have had that too. This is not the kind of story I wanted to hear when I felt like I was about to passout. So many times during that story I just wanted to say please stop talking, but I didn't. He also said he likes to say "great great great great grandfather". I think he was gay. He was cute too and if I was not so sick I would maybe have taken interest in him.
They were all nice there actually. The problem is they do not get it. To them I am "just nervous".
This whole time from the start of the thumping throat, the high blood pressure, fainting, fast pulse, dropping 17 lbs, throwing up all the time, sometimes so much small amounts of blood came up, being jolted out of my sleep with horrible adrenaline rushes, major depression, not being able to think clear and so much more. I could have just stayed home, nothing was done, nothing was found except the H. Pylori which I could have had for a long time.
Problem is I am still sick. I do not feel well at all, even when I feel better I am not myself. I guess my goal now is to stay off medication for as long as I can. I know someday if some major event happens like a major medical issue with me there is a good chance I will have to take an anti-depressant because of how I am. I hate the fact that I am trapped in a cycle. If I was mentally OK I could avoid these people altogether and these type of drugs. Maybe by then they will have something better or at least know what these pills do to people.
I have been going to anxiety forums on the internet. I was hoping that maybe others would be there that had ideas or found a better way to help themself. It is sad to say, but they are completely wrapped up in the medications and treat the doctors like they are God. Statements on these sites are "Did your doctor say you could come off your medication?" OK first off no one needs the doctor to give permission it is your body. "You have to trust the doctors he knows what is best for you." Really? Are you freaking kidding me? He doesn't even know when you come off these drugs how sick you get. "Don't read the side effects of the drug or you will get them." Yea OK sure lets all not be informed at all about what we are putting in your bodies or the risks involved. Even your doctor does not know the risks. Chances are when you get a side effect it will be told to you that it is just anxiety.
Sometimes I feel like I stepped out of the box of "reality" and I am looking in on the insanity. Litterally there are people who have been permanently damaged by these drugs and not only does the patient not know it, but the doctor tells them there mental illness has become worse or that they have a new mental illness now and the patient actually agrees "Yes Doctor.", "My doctor and I are a team." This is like some sci-fi bullshit.
The only thing I want in the world is to someday just die in my sleep. I can not be at the mercy of these people. The thing is they are not even bad people, they are not even trying to harm people, they don't even know that they are. They are wrapped up in this warped reality that almost everyone else is.
All it would take is for a patient or a doctor to look online in a few minutes they would find 10's of thousands of people suffering from these drugs and they would also find out that it is already known. It is talked about in medical journals and debated while people suffer and become damaged.
So do I have anything wrong with me that is going to kill me or keep me sick? Who knows no one will really check. In many ways I have stopped caring. I am scared there is, but at the same time if it kills me as long as it is quick then I will be OK with it I guess.
Below this post is a story I came across online yesterday and I wanted to post it for others to read. It is one of 1000's you can find of people suffering.
Oh and the visit to the heart doctor yesterday grand total $544.