Friday, May 15, 2009

TV B-Gone

Since I have been staying at my parents I have not watched TV. Well when I first got here the first few days I did, then I started reading again and when I was able to use my laptop I just have been watching videos on youtube.

For a long time I have wanted to give TV up, but I always had shows that I just "had" to watch. Like The View, Nip/Tuck, Brothers and Sisters and a list of others. I knew that I was all wrapped up in what some fictional people were doing and yet I still felt the need to watch.

Now that it has been long enough away from TV I find that I do not miss it at all. I have no plans as of now to even going back to watching it. Of course I am still watching something because I am watching YouTube, but at least on there I get to pick what I want to watch at any moment and I am not forced to watch mindless programming and commercials.

Recently all I watch are videos on spirituality and some nanotechnology, but of course if I get bored of one topic I will just search for something else.

My mom went to lunch with her friend today. It was her first time out since her surgery. She said she was nervous a little, but glad to get out of the house.

I have it in my head today that I am going to need a cardiac catheterization and I am freaking myself out because it is something I know I can't or won't do because of the risks involved and my own fears which are so powerful that I would actually let myself die before I did it. It they could knock you out for it I would do it, but since you have to be awake there is no way. Hopefully I won't need one and by the time I need something like that hope I will be much older and they will have a different way of doing something like that. God I hope I am never faced with having to make that choice.

Other than that I have been eating pretty well today. The past two days food wise have been decent and my heart still seems to be calming down slowly. I just hope it all just goes back to noraml and I can over time put this nightmare behind me.

I will just be glad if when I see the heart doctor Monday that it will be completely uneventful and he just thinks I am some nervous nut job and sends me on my way. I just do not want anymore tests I have been though enough for now and still have to go through stuff with my moms chemo to help her and some how work on myself and figure out what the hell I am going to do with my anxiety problem now that medication for it is no longer an option.

You would think with all the fear I have over my heart that I would have stopped smoking by now, but I haven't, not that I have not tried, one day I got 24 hours with no smoking before I have back in.

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