Monday, May 4, 2009

Waiting

I was so sick today (what the hell is new). I woke up aching and feeling weak. My heart was of course racing and I ended up throwing up soon after I got up. I feel at the end of my rope with all this. I walk around crying and my parents think it is all mental. I try to explain to them over and over that I am crying because I am so sick and because my whole body aches. I just am so wore out I don't know what else to do.

I wish it would just kill me already if it is going to. I rather have it happen sooner than later because this is just dragging on and on.

My mother threatned to put me in a mental hospital because she thinks I want to kill myself, which made me angry and stirred up a ton of fears of being forced druged or forced to stay some place. She and my father do not understand I do not want to kill myself and when I said I didn't care if it kills me anymore it was because I am fed up. Some illness killing me is not the same as suicide.

My father, I don't even know what to say. He is telling me now to stop taking tylenol as if that caused all this. I started taking it because my whole body aches and has a mild burning feeling while it does it. I hurt all the time.

I actually sit in my bedroom crying quietly while my parents watch tv and laugh and worse they know sometimes that I am crying or sitting here very sick taking deep breaths to cope. I don't expect my hand to be held 24/7, but damn I should not feel this alone around family. If anyone comes sometimes to talk to me it is my mom, but my father never. I am tired of the excuse that he wasn't raised to be emotional. I need him to be supportive for me and to talk to me so I can get through this. My mom can only do so much she is still healing. There is nothing like being sick and people not understanding or at least talking to you so you can vent or talk it out.

My father says to tell the therapist. Doesn't he get that is not a replacement for a parent. One hour a week can not replace real people in my life or replace family.

My mom said well your father drives you to the doctors. As if I couldn't get a taxi to do that and the only reason why he does is because he has to. My mother would have a fit if he didn't. She says "he is concerned about you just like I am." really so when I am in tears after throwing up he says nothing. Never even asks how I feel.

I don't know I guess you would have to be here to understand what I am saying. I can't even think that clear today so I don't even know if I am getting my point across.

I don't know what to do anymore. I would go home to my apartment, but I know I am too weak to do that right now. I don't even know what to write anymore. I am in such bad shape and no one is fucking getting it. Anyone who knows me knows I wanted to live to be old and my goal was to get to 100 years old. They know that I even read books on immortality and such. I was into natural health. I remember it so clearly, but I am so removed from it all now. I don't even care if I die if it means this stops. That should give some people a freaking clue as to how ill I am.

I have been to the ER three times and the doctors office two times, had heart tests run and I am not any better off and no one has offered anything as to why or what to do. I use to believe in God at least 50% of the time. Now I pretty much don't at all.

I am eventually going to swallow whatever pill they give me. I don't care anymore. I have no real support system and I am to wore out and ill to fight for myself.

1 comment:

Dukesmommy said...

Brian,
Keep waiting. It is so hard because no one understands. It seems like a terminal case of isolation and fear but if you hold on it will end. I find that when I keep this withdrawal situation to myself I seem to get more support. The more I speak about it the more crazy people think I am and the farther away they get. I am getting better, little by little. This awful time will pass for you. It will take time so keep holding on and know you have others who understand, even if you don't know them, like me.