Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Profoundly Sad

I am so profoundly sad. I don't even know what to do anymore. I am upset about my mom being sick and even if she gets better someday she will go and I will be left here alone. I do not have anyone in my life right now that I really feel comfortable with. I am sick and very worried about that. All my fears are very hyped up and very active so much so they have me frozen in fear unable to make proper moves or proper actions. Not that I even know what the proper moves or actions are. Everything seems like the wrong answer and it all involves making things maybe worse or more problems for myself down the line.

I am tired of crying, but it is the only release I have right now. I am some what angry at people for what I am not even completely sure. Some is for not being there in the way that I need them to be. I am mad at myself for not being able to pull myself together or for not having had a better plan if something like this ever came up in my life, not even a better plan, but a plan at all.

I find myself now watching all sorts of out there videos on spirituality because there is nothing else I can try to do to find peace. That is what I want more than anything right now is peace and calm. I know none of this will just end and some of the stuff I am completely devastated by is in fact reality and how life goes. Only I have found that I can't cope with reality. I can't stand to now know all the suffering that is taking place not only in my life, but in many peoples lives all around the world.

The sense of my own impermanence and everyones around me has me locked in a prison I am so scared by that. My mom says "Don't think about it." I try not too and then like a flood gate opening I am washed over again in the harsh reality of what is. It is hard for me to dismiss it because if I was scared of something that was not real then I could reassure myself, but how do I calm something that is real and not only real, but happening to me right now?

For awhile I thought I just wanted to feel well again (and I do) and to be happy, but then I realized that happiness and wellness are fleeting states of mind. I can not always be happy and I can not always be well, because I will become ill. So that is why I just want peace of mind. I just can't find it yet and so worried that I will never find it.

Below I will post a video clip and while I know there is truth in what this woman is saying I am not in a state of mind as of yet to hold its truth and help myself. I can however make my thoughts stop for a time.

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