Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I quit smoking

So, on Sept. 18th 2009 at 3:20am I smoked my last cigarette and quit cold turkey (11 days ago). The first few days were a bit uncomfortable, but after not to bad. I only get a craving here and there for one now and it doesn't last long.

Quitting is not as hard as other people or even yourself make it out to be. What I found to be helpful was... the first 3 days sleep as much as possible. I also found not thinking to be helpful. Don't focus on the fact that you quit. Soon as your mind starts to show pleasing images from the past, think of something else. Also the whole myth from anti-smoking sites that claim a craving will only last a few minutes is a bunch of bull. I had a craving around the third day that lasted almost 3 hours. I didn't think I would get past that, but I did.

My moms CT scan came back clear. The doctors couldn't see the liver cancer on the scan, so they ran a PET scan a few days later. The PET scan has also come back clear. She is too weak to have liver surgery, but the doctor said that is OK because they can't see anything right now anyway, so if the cancer is still there it is to small to be picked up on the scan. She will be having her chemo drugs changed soon, since she is having problems with her current cocktail. She will also be continuing chemo till Jan. 2010. I think she will have more scans in 3 months.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Sunday, September 13, 2009


Click The Picture To Make It Larger.

This picture was taken of me before my gf's prom in 1993 (I am the guy in the left of the picture). I was 17 years old (I am now 33). My anxiety had started about 2 years before this picture. About a half hour before this picture was taken I threw up in my parents bathroom. I was so nervous I cried. My mom offered me a shot of alcohol to calm myself, which I turned down.

I am currently trying to quit smoking yet again, by smoking a little as possible. Something that is happening that is scaring me right now is...every time I smoke I get a tightness in my chest. I tried to find other smokers who get this online, but I can't find any information. I also get cold hands and cold feet when I smoke now. The feeling in my chest is uncomfortable and my stomach turns. I know smoking is not good for anyone. I just wonder why this is happening now. I worry that my heart is clogged. Sometimes now after I smoke...esp. the first few cigarettes of the day I gag and get what I assume is anxiety because I have the urge to clench my teeth and feel shaky. You would think that would be enough to make me stop. However when I don't smoke for a long time the craving is so strong and I feel so miserable that I light up. Then I feel guilty over how stupid I am.

I have been crying on and off through out the days. I am not even sure why half the time. I know I am really lonely. Normally people would say to go out and meet people. I just don't feel well enough to do that with my tight chest and my anxiety issues on top of it. Besides if I meet someone new I am scared of scaring them off. I cry at the drop of a hat sometimes, plus I throw up when I get nervous and sometimes cramps (the cramps happen anyway with or without anxiety) how would I explain that?? What if they asked "Why are you so sick?" I would have to say "I don't know."

How did I let myself get into this situation? Why can't I just stop smoking? Why can't I get enough courage to get myself to a doctor and push to find out what else is going on with me psychically? Maybe I don't want to know or maybe I am just to scared. I really hope nothing is seriously wrong because of now how cigarettes make my chest tight and cold hands and feet. I honestly think I am scared enough from my anxiety to let myself die before I seek help and that worries me.

I feel like I am insane sometimes. I asked my father to bring me cigarettes today because I didn't feel well enough to get them myself. I asked him to drop them through my mail slot in my door. About 20 mins ago I heard them fall though. I do not shave or shower daily. It just seems to take more energy than I have.

I know I am depressed, that is a given. I just don't know why I am. I can't tell if I am so sick feeling and that has me down or if it is because I am alone most of the time. I don't feel loved by people, though I know people do...I just feel that the love I have is conditional as long as I am OK enough, I can't fall apart because then it will be to much for the few people I have in my life to handle and they will go away or be "disappointed" in me.

Why did I fuck my body up with everything I did over the years to it? I knew better just like I know better now and continue to make it worse. Seriously what is wrong with me? I need to somehow get a grip, I just don't know how.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Wore out and annoyed

My mother has been taken back to the hospital to be rehydrate. Hopefully she won't have to stay. She has been sick from her chemo and has a cold on top of it right now. She has not been able to hold anything down including water.

I called my old doctors office because I have been having major digestive issues since March of this year and if you want to count when it first started to become an issue bigger than normal it was in 2007.

I had a sigmoidoscope in Sept. 1994 and was told "I have a little colitis.", then was put on a drug called azulfidine for about a year. Nothing more was ever said and I was 18 and stupid so I never questioned it...it was never spoke of again. Every time over the years when I would get cramps I was told by the same doctor that I just had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and it was from "my anxiety". So today I decided to call to get what the actual results were from the sigmoidoscope he did and find out what the "little colitis" actually was.

The office called back to tell me the results said "ulcerative colitis vs. crohn's disease". So I asked well which was it and she said she would have to ask the doctor and call me back. So she called back to tell me that he said it was ulcerative colitis, that was "his impression, but I did not have a biopsy done.". So they are not 100% sure. This pisses me off on so many levels. First if you didn't know why the hell didn't you send me to a gastroenterologist. Second if you didn't know why did you put me on azulfidine for a year. Third why did you just tell me all the rest of the years that I just have IBS from "my anxiety".

Ulcerative colitis requires a colonscope every year to two years because it can cause colon cancer (The same cancer my mom has). Ulcerative colitis is not common and of course, that would be me since I seem to get all the rare shit. It happens to about 15 in 100,000 people. They don't know the cause and there is no cure. 25-40% of people with Ulcerative colitis have to have their colon removed. This I am not pleased about and that will not be happening because I will not live that way period ..there is not if, ands or buts about that.

I get cramps all the time, sometimes so painful I feel like I am going to pass out from the pain. My stomach is fucked. I have something going on in there and it is making me feel ill all the damn time. I just took all those antibiotics to kill the H. Pylori and still have to have a test to make sure it is gone.

Most of the time over the past few years it has not been anxiety that has kept me housebound, but more so because 90% of the time I feel sick and wore out. I never feel right at all. I was just told that is because I have "anxiety". Yes I do have anxiety, I am not dumb, but I also know the things that cause my anxiety issues, like doctors offices, dentists and medical test. I get nervous meeting new people, but I do not and never have lived in a constant state of anxiety. Over time I have allowed myself to be brainwashed with all that "it's just anxiety" crap and suffered for many many years.

Lets not forget my breathing issues for 2 years prior to my lung surgery was because of "my anxiety". Yea, then I had surgery and was fine.

So I called my mothers gastroenterologist today to make sure they had the camera pill, so I don't have to have the scope of my stomach, since I will most likely have a scope of my colon done and they do have the camera pill so that makes it a little easier.

Then downside to all this besides my intense fear of medical tests not to mention I also happen to know all to well what can go wrong with these tests (including death) is that they knock you out with benzo drugs. The very thing I should not be exposed to for 6 months to 2 years because of the prlonged benzo withdarwal I just went through. I am now just a little over 6 months off. If they knock me out it could reset the entire withdrawal leaving me in a state that I was in all those months of suffering. Why must everything come at me at once?

Not to whine, but seriously I am a really nice person and I don't deserve the treatment I have got from the medical community and by many people in my life. I shouldn't have to go through all this stuff alone. In fact why do I have all this rare crap happen to me??? Not only do I have it happen, but the very tests that have to be done is what causes my anxiety. I see people all the time having a life and doing things. They are enjoying their life and here I sit sick, so drained that I sometimes can't even take out my own trash. This is bullshit. I don't want to die and I do not want to be crippled by all this stuff. Why can't I just have peace??