Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Wore out and annoyed

My mother has been taken back to the hospital to be rehydrate. Hopefully she won't have to stay. She has been sick from her chemo and has a cold on top of it right now. She has not been able to hold anything down including water.

I called my old doctors office because I have been having major digestive issues since March of this year and if you want to count when it first started to become an issue bigger than normal it was in 2007.

I had a sigmoidoscope in Sept. 1994 and was told "I have a little colitis.", then was put on a drug called azulfidine for about a year. Nothing more was ever said and I was 18 and stupid so I never questioned it...it was never spoke of again. Every time over the years when I would get cramps I was told by the same doctor that I just had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and it was from "my anxiety". So today I decided to call to get what the actual results were from the sigmoidoscope he did and find out what the "little colitis" actually was.

The office called back to tell me the results said "ulcerative colitis vs. crohn's disease". So I asked well which was it and she said she would have to ask the doctor and call me back. So she called back to tell me that he said it was ulcerative colitis, that was "his impression, but I did not have a biopsy done.". So they are not 100% sure. This pisses me off on so many levels. First if you didn't know why the hell didn't you send me to a gastroenterologist. Second if you didn't know why did you put me on azulfidine for a year. Third why did you just tell me all the rest of the years that I just have IBS from "my anxiety".

Ulcerative colitis requires a colonscope every year to two years because it can cause colon cancer (The same cancer my mom has). Ulcerative colitis is not common and of course, that would be me since I seem to get all the rare shit. It happens to about 15 in 100,000 people. They don't know the cause and there is no cure. 25-40% of people with Ulcerative colitis have to have their colon removed. This I am not pleased about and that will not be happening because I will not live that way period ..there is not if, ands or buts about that.

I get cramps all the time, sometimes so painful I feel like I am going to pass out from the pain. My stomach is fucked. I have something going on in there and it is making me feel ill all the damn time. I just took all those antibiotics to kill the H. Pylori and still have to have a test to make sure it is gone.

Most of the time over the past few years it has not been anxiety that has kept me housebound, but more so because 90% of the time I feel sick and wore out. I never feel right at all. I was just told that is because I have "anxiety". Yes I do have anxiety, I am not dumb, but I also know the things that cause my anxiety issues, like doctors offices, dentists and medical test. I get nervous meeting new people, but I do not and never have lived in a constant state of anxiety. Over time I have allowed myself to be brainwashed with all that "it's just anxiety" crap and suffered for many many years.

Lets not forget my breathing issues for 2 years prior to my lung surgery was because of "my anxiety". Yea, then I had surgery and was fine.

So I called my mothers gastroenterologist today to make sure they had the camera pill, so I don't have to have the scope of my stomach, since I will most likely have a scope of my colon done and they do have the camera pill so that makes it a little easier.

Then downside to all this besides my intense fear of medical tests not to mention I also happen to know all to well what can go wrong with these tests (including death) is that they knock you out with benzo drugs. The very thing I should not be exposed to for 6 months to 2 years because of the prlonged benzo withdarwal I just went through. I am now just a little over 6 months off. If they knock me out it could reset the entire withdrawal leaving me in a state that I was in all those months of suffering. Why must everything come at me at once?

Not to whine, but seriously I am a really nice person and I don't deserve the treatment I have got from the medical community and by many people in my life. I shouldn't have to go through all this stuff alone. In fact why do I have all this rare crap happen to me??? Not only do I have it happen, but the very tests that have to be done is what causes my anxiety. I see people all the time having a life and doing things. They are enjoying their life and here I sit sick, so drained that I sometimes can't even take out my own trash. This is bullshit. I don't want to die and I do not want to be crippled by all this stuff. Why can't I just have peace??

1 comment:

Brb said...

I can't believe all the shit that you have gone thru. You are such am amazing person. Maybe this is just a hard ass lesson that you have to learn in this life.
I honestly don't trust doctors. I don't. I don't trust anyone anymore.

Now, I am really scared for you to get the test done. After watching your videos on your Benzo withdrawals, I am scared as shit for you to take even a milligram of benzo.
I don't want to to go thru withdrawals :(

Hey... I don't know you except from your blog, and I don't know your mom, but I am staying a prayer for you both :)