Sunday, December 27, 2009

Life Like

In high school I really felt the need to please people. I would cry at home about it because I wasn't liked by the kids I wanted to hang with. They seemed to have a better life than me and their parties seemed fun. I didn't really feel included. In fact I remember looking at my reflection on the bus sometimes, cause I could see my face on the bus mirror if I was sitting in the first 3 seats by the front and think about how alien I looked. Some how everyone else looked like a normal person to me and to myself I looked so different.

I use to be scared to read out loud in class because since I would feel nervous I would read faster or trip over the words, making me sound dumb or like I couldn't read well. The teacher would make it worse of course by saying "read slower it's not a race" or "speak up I can't hear you", that or the girl behind me whisper the word I was stumbling over as she chuckled.

I use to walk down the halls of Albany High in fear of being tripped or of having a "kick me" sign placed on my back. If anyone touched my back I would put my hand back there to check. I lived in fear of confrontation.

Male teachers intimidated me, males in general did, even now..I am over all the rest that I listed above, but males upset me. Well not gay ones, but the rest do. I feel less male than them, I don't think they understand me or me them. Sometimes I have the urge to attack them when they are talking down to me or not understanding. I find them more often than not lacking compassion. I had a male therapist once. That lasted one session.

I think for myself I have a very hard time with males because my father never did anything with me. He yelled at me a lot, but it was my mom who taught me how to play baseball and to ride my bike. My father was emotionally absent and still is. I know very little about him. I had no other males in my life growing up, so I don't think I ever learned how to be and what to talk about.

I can't cry in front of str8 guys because my body goes on lock down with it because in my mind all I hear in their mind is "sissy", "faggot", "suck it up", "weak".

An other thing that is the same now, as it was for me back then, is I feel to most people my thoughts and ideas are seen as "silly", "weird" (not the good weird), "neurotic", "stupid". I feel people (people being almost everyone, doctors and family included) listen to me, but don't really hear me. I don't even feel that most of the things I say are that hard to understand, apparently it is for them.

Like my parents still have no clue what the dose of xanax was and I told them so many times, esp. when I was suffering in case something happened and I couldn't speak for myself. They don't know and my mom said "It's all too much to remember. I mean you say so much."

Truth is, all these years with my anxiety issues, depressions, the lung issues and even melting away before their eyes in benzo withdrawal, everything I said, everything I told them and neither of them ever cracked a book or looked anything up to help me.

The truth is does my father love me? I am sure in his own way. Do I think my father likes me? No I don't. Do I love my father? Yea because I have too. Do I like him? No.

I know my mom both loves and likes me. I love and like her too. She however has done just as much damage to me growing up as he did. My whole childhood was fear based. "Sit down you will pass out", "Don't stand that way" "What will people think" "You don't want it to break do you" "If you lose it think of how sad you will be" "say goodbye to your father cause if he dies in a car crash you will never forgive yourself" "I heard the car accident out front and I though you were trapped under the car" "what will your girlfriends parents think of how you eat", "don't fight back", "so and so is dead they bled out all over the bathroom", "so and so's baby drown in the tub" "girls will try to trap you into getting them pregnant so they can take all your money" (my mom said that one and most of them to be honest) (mind you I was like 5 to 6 years old for some of it). It goes on and on.

My father hordes mail. Our basement has boxes to the ceiling of mail and old newspapers. He doesn't comb is own hair...every day my mom combed it before he went to work. He would sit on the bed and she would spray it with water and comb his hair. He doesn't take a shower or its rare because sometimes I would lay little traps to see if the shower moved. My mother cleans herself out if the bathroom sink only and her hair in the kitchen sink. She also shampoos my fathers hair for him as well.

My father when he was not yelling at me or my mother sat in a chair and just read. Sometimes when watching tv, because he was laying on the floor and I was sitting on a couch behind him, I would watch him pick his ass and smell it.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Trance

I am having a hard time getting ready to go to the pulmonologist this morning. I don't feel like moving, but I will.

You know what is strange? I don't know if it is from the horrible benzo withdrawal I went though or not, because I seem to remember a form of this feeling before, but I live in a constant zoned out state. I can function fine, but it is almost as if I stay in a meditative trance or a mild hypnotic state. I think I could actually snap myself out of it, but I stay in it anyway because even though I still get nervous about stuff it is oddly comforting.

I guess I am not in this state 100% of the time, but I would say 90%. I wouldn't even know how to properly describe it to a therapist. Some people online have said it could be depersonalization or derealization, but I looked that up several times and while similar, I do not really fit that, to be honest it is not even close.

I do however feel as if everyone else around me is plugged into something that I am no longer plugged into (I assume though that there must be many more that feel like I do and I would love to talk to them). I am not sad about this state of mind though. I almost prefer it, it is incorporated into my fear of death now because I fear losing this bizarre mental state that I live in often and never talk about.

If I had to try to explain how it feels to me without sounding too out there it is like a large part of my "ego" is dissolved. I mean I still worry about disfigurement, suffering and death, but I no longer feel any connection to the material world outside of living things. I don't care about concerts, movies, BBQs, new cars, celebrities, TV..ect. I don't worry about anything outside of health and survival concerns. Bad credit is not a concern to me for example, it has become just some number that means something to everyone else. I don't feel plugged into the social norms, dinner times, what to eat, when to sleep, decorations go up for holidays on this or that date and pictures are taken for all to see, holiday parties, birthday parties, stock market rising and falling..I could go on and on...I have no feeling towards it, no attachment, I simply view other peoples reactions to it and witness them doing all the things that everyone else does that is "plugged in", just like I did when I was.

So, I have no clue what that is, like I said it doesn't upset me. I prefer it.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Prison Of The Mind

Sometimes there is so much I want to tell you (my readers), but I just don't know how without sounding crazy. Some of the stuff is based on a deep down profound feeling I have and I am sure many of you have as well. There is so much information that has to come out of me, yet I just don't know the proper medium to do it and like I already said..I don't even know how to say it.

This blog, I have used to express some of my most darkest feelings. I have had to ignore the little worry in the back of my head telling me I will be judged. I find as soon as you have an opinion half the world will hate you. I hold many opinions and with as much as I have said... I am holding back.

You would be surprised how many emails I have received or even people I have opened up too that just don't get me. Some people are upset that my blog is so dark, that I am so dark, yet no one makes anyone read it, no one is forced to speak to me or agree with me. I am not here to shine the light into peoples faces and welcome them into a world of joy and comfort. I am here to express the horror, pain, suffering and injustice that goes on, not only in my life, but in many peoples lives..I am the mirror that reflects that back to you. I will change for no one. Even if that means making choices (refusing treatments) in my life that might kill me off sooner...there are worse things than death in this world and while I have a fear of death...I fear suffering more and the ignorance of worst fear...suffering in the ignorance of others.

Some people like to "think positive" and there is a time and a place, but for lack of a better word, you (myself included) have become domesticated. We have so many thoughts that contradict, these thoughts are fed to us, by TV, magazines, friends, family, doctors ect. There is so much noise. Mother says to child "Why are you crying, be a big boy, no one else is crying." same mother says "Well just because everyone else is doing it.....(fill in the blank)". She is conditioned, you are conditioned, I am conditioned. The difference between me and I think some of my readers is we know it. I am a domesticated, conditioned human and I hate it, because I can now see it for what it is. I hate every breath I take in this state because it is nothing short of a jail cell that my mind and your mind has been locked in.

How many times has your gut told you not to do something, but other people, be they friend, doctors..what have you, have said "better to be safe than sorry." that line instills a is a nudge, a push to do their will. Why did you ever stop listening to that little voice? I think because I don't listen to mine or even just because I question my internal voice, that is why I have anxiety and mentally suffer.

Something might scare you, but if you really need it you will do it with no coaching. I was scared of my lung surgery, at the time death would be the only out come without the surgery. That made my choice easy, sure I was scared, however I had no doubt in my choice.

You must in this society be something, do something or people are confused, upset or you are seen as crazy or weird. "What time did you go to sleep?" "Noon" is met with "omg why?","why haven't you been to bed yet" I mean the list goes on and on..but whats it to them? Who sets the times to sleep? Who sets the times to eat? What to eat?

"Are you a student?" "Do you work?" reply "No and no" to which "Well what do you do?"...."Nothing" this will cause the most probing questions...after all we "must" do something.

I think some people get where I am going in this post and others not so much and that is ok. Like I said I have so much to say and I think I am losing my concern of being seen as completely crazy. So things eventually might start being posted or said that may or may not make you comfortable, maybe will seem boring or maybe just not for you. All that is ok. Someone once said "Nothing that is ever said is true...including what I am saying right now."

My mind like yours is fluid, what is right for me this year, may not be right for me the next, opinions change, so don't look to me for your answer. I promise you the key that unlocks me from my cell will not open your door. You have to find your own key. "I" the person who lives inside my mine is simply watching all this unfold. I can guide, but I can't save you, only you can do that.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Death Phobia

I have successfully upset myself the past two mornings. I have a pretty strong death fear which is why the "xanax/paxil extension cord" event (see video on the side bar of this blog for that story) was out of no place and the withdrawal completely changed me at that time.

I have many fears not just of death, but also of suffering. I don't want to be helpless in some nursing home or crippled either. Death worries me because if there is nothing, that is the end of me...of course if there is nothing after I won't feel upset about it because I will be gone, however for now I am alive and can worry about this. I actually cry over this in the shower or while driving or whenever ..I think about this often actually.

I will be gone from this Earth and to be honest I am such a wonderful person. I don't think anyone has truly seen that about me yet. I have so much to offer and I am always so sick. I know death will come early for me. It is so sad and no amount of "try not to think about it" or "find God" will help matter what I do or what anyone says ..I will disappear forever...I was here and someday no one will ever know I was. It will be like I never existed at all.