Sometimes there is so much I want to tell you (my readers), but I just don't know how without sounding crazy. Some of the stuff is based on a deep down profound feeling I have and I am sure many of you have as well. There is so much information that has to come out of me, yet I just don't know the proper medium to do it and like I already said..I don't even know how to say it.
This blog, I have used to express some of my most darkest feelings. I have had to ignore the little worry in the back of my head telling me I will be judged. I find as soon as you have an opinion half the world will hate you. I hold many opinions and with as much as I have said... I am holding back.
You would be surprised how many emails I have received or even people I have opened up too that just don't get me. Some people are upset that my blog is so dark, that I am so dark, yet no one makes anyone read it, no one is forced to speak to me or agree with me. I am not here to shine the light into peoples faces and welcome them into a world of joy and comfort. I am here to express the horror, pain, suffering and injustice that goes on, not only in my life, but in many peoples lives..I am the mirror that reflects that back to you. I will change for no one. Even if that means making choices (refusing treatments) in my life that might kill me off sooner...there are worse things than death in this world and while I have a fear of death...I fear suffering more and the ignorance of others...my worst fear...suffering in the ignorance of others.
Some people like to "think positive" and there is a time and a place, but for lack of a better word, you (myself included) have become domesticated. We have so many thoughts that contradict, these thoughts are fed to us, by TV, magazines, friends, family, doctors ect. There is so much noise. Mother says to child "Why are you crying, be a big boy, no one else is crying." same mother says "Well just because everyone else is doing it.....(fill in the blank)". She is conditioned, you are conditioned, I am conditioned. The difference between me and I think some of my readers is we know it. I am a domesticated, conditioned human and I hate it, because I can now see it for what it is. I hate every breath I take in this state because it is nothing short of a jail cell that my mind and your mind has been locked in.
How many times has your gut told you not to do something, but other people, be they friend, doctors..what have you, have said "better to be safe than sorry." that line instills a fear..it is a nudge, a push to do their will. Why did you ever stop listening to that little voice? I think because I don't listen to mine or even just because I question my internal voice, that is why I have anxiety and mentally suffer.
Something might scare you, but if you really need it you will do it with no coaching. I was scared of my lung surgery, at the time death would be the only out come without the surgery. That made my choice easy, sure I was scared, however I had no doubt in my choice.
You must in this society be something, do something or people are confused, upset or you are seen as crazy or weird. "What time did you go to sleep?" "Noon" is met with "omg why?","why haven't you been to bed yet" I mean the list goes on and on..but whats it to them? Who sets the times to sleep? Who sets the times to eat? What to eat?
"Are you a student?" "Do you work?" reply "No and no" to which "Well what do you do?"...."Nothing" this will cause the most probing questions...after all we "must" do something.
I think some people get where I am going in this post and others not so much and that is ok. Like I said I have so much to say and I think I am losing my concern of being seen as completely crazy. So things eventually might start being posted or said that may or may not make you comfortable, maybe will seem boring or maybe just not for you. All that is ok. Someone once said "Nothing that is ever said is true...including what I am saying right now."
My mind like yours is fluid, what is right for me this year, may not be right for me the next, opinions change, so don't look to me for your answer. I promise you the key that unlocks me from my cell will not open your door. You have to find your own key. "I" the person who lives inside my mine is simply watching all this unfold. I can guide, but I can't save you, only you can do that.