Friday, December 30, 2011

Where Will I Be In 100 Days DAY 40

Friday, November 4, 2011

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Crystal Hutchens - Ask A Crystal Child - Bananimal Records


Listen to some of the songs of her cd: esp. Pandamonia and Stand Up. Two of my favs. BUT BY THE CD IT HELPS HER AND ITS GREAT!

And join her channel:

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Monday, October 3, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Patterns, Placebo, Wisdom and Life

Patterns, Placebo, Wisdom and Life

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Monday, September 12, 2011

How My Life Is

Video Reply to this video on youtube.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Monday, May 16, 2011

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Friday, January 28, 2011

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Congenital Lobar Emphysema - Lung Surgery

Completely unrelated note... this song was popular when I was in high school. Makes me want to be drunk. :-p

Friday, January 21, 2011

Abortion - Pro Life - Pro Choice

Anesthesia Music

I wonder if it is possible to have my mp3 player on and music blaring in my ears when the doctor starts the anesthesia? I mean, as soon as I am out they could pluck the ear buds out of my ears.

They always feel the need to say.."OK we are going to start the IV now" and "Count backwards from ten." I rather be in my own world..just do it and get it over with. I don't want to hear them or their voices.

Remember for a colonoscopy I can't have the normal drugs and have to actually be knocked out completely which raises the risk.

The downside is if I pass out from the needle during the song I pick I will never be able to listen to that song again. My brain will add it to the "banned" list. For the rest of my life it will be "Oh...that is the song I was listening too when I fainted [cue the anxiety attack]".

I don't know... I will think about it. I want it so loud I can forget where I am and not hear a damn thing they are doing. In the rare case the anesthesia actually killed me, I could deal with it being the last song I ever heard.

I will post song below:

Computer Crash - Snow Storm - Cucumbers

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Monday, January 10, 2011


So, last night I know I had dreams, but for the first time in a few days I have no memory of them. I actually slept pretty sound, that is always a plus.

So, today is Monday. Tomorrow Keith goes back to work and I am suppose to call a gastro doctor. Seems like the days have moved very fast to the day I said I would call. Now I feel tense. I don't even want to call. I want to stay in complete denial. I want to wait another week. Right or wrong...I wonder if I will?

Somehow calling makes it all too real for me. Something I am not even ready to deal with. I don't want to face anything at all. What I really want is to go to sleep and wake up when it is all over. I hate anxiety. I hate the unknown and I hate not being able to cope no matter how hard I try.

Why am I sitting around eating junk food? Why the hell am I chain smoking? Why do I feel so ill (like normal anyway) that any normal person who felt this way would take themselves to the ER. How can I actually sit here like this? What am I waiting for? Where are all the people that I assumed someday would save me from myself? Oh, there are no is me who has to save me....will I actually do that?

Do people really think when they tell me "You better :blank:" or "You need to do :blank:". That I will actually listen to them? Do they think suddenly all fear leaves and their words magically will replace the fear that binds me and I will just do it?

How did I ever allow myself to get to this place? Why am I like this to begin with? Shouldn't my fear motivate me? Maybe it will given enough time.

Have I been so traumatized and shocked by things that I have become complacent?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Dreams Continue

Funny that for the past two days I made videos discussing dreams. Last night was another doozy. I know really it is all being caused because I have myself all worked up and just a lot of life situations happening all at once. I will get to those dreams in a bit.

I also find it amusing that some people (mainly family and doctors) think I can not tell the difference between my anxiety issues and real illness. For example, yesterday it was all anxiety. I went to a local convenient store to get some sandwiches and a salad. First, I had to clean the snow off my car and for no reason at all other than an internal feeling, I felt rushed.

When I got to the store there were two people in line before me and there were also a lot of people around me. My heart was racing (from cleaning off my car) and I suddenly felt confined. This was triggered by the crowd and I felt the line was going too slow. This woman in front of me was repeatedly asking questions about different coffees to the cashier.

That is when it hit. I wanted to leave the store. I just wanted to get out and get fresh air. Of course I stayed. It was anxiety and I knew it. Everything I was feeling was anxiety. I pushed through and got the food I needed. When I got to my car the feeling left me somewhat. Another proof it was just anxiety. I know my body well and it angers me when others claim I can't tell the difference. It was not fun, it was awful actually, but not dangerous and I knew it. It was my mind playing tricks on me plain and simple.

Ok so to the dream last night. First one, I was sleeping in bed and a cousin of mine who briefly molested me as a child was there. I woke to him holding a knife to my throat and managed to get him to believe I was not mad. He took the knife away from my throat and then at some point realized I was faking. He went at me and sliced my right hand by my thumb. I ran to the kitchen to where my parents were and picked up the phone to call 911, since I was being attacked. My parents tried to talk me out of it and said something like "You don't have to go that far, he will be arrested and doesn't know what he is doing." I called anyway and the police came and he was arrested.

Later in that dream I became paranoid that I wouldn't know when he was released from jail, so I asked the police to tell me when he was. They refused. So every day in the dream when I came home I would check all the rooms scared he was hiding, waiting to kill me.

That dream ended and now this is the second dream continuing later in the night, after I briefly woke up:

In the second dream I am at the house I grew up in and my sister is there. She seems annoyed that I had my cousin arrested and said "Why would you call the police and report something you aren't even sure happened?" I said "What are you talking about? Do you think I have these stitches in my hand for no reason? And beside you may not know this, but he molested me when I was little." She had this shameful look like I was crazy and said "What happened too you? You use to look up to your great nephew even." and I said "What? My great nephew is five years old...why would I look up to a five year old?" Again a look of "poor you for being so confused".

I decided to leave and went outside. Shortly after being outside there was my cousin, released from jail standing with this giant sword. He said something like "Now you will pay" and I ran and woke up. I didn't return to sleep after that.

Again all this is really coming up so vividly because of stress. I usually only half remember my dreams.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Monday, January 3, 2011

What I Know For Sure

What I know for sure:

In 1994 I also had this lower left colon pain and some bleeding. I was 18 years old and knew nothing about health outside of vitamin books I had read. I was certainly not the person I am today. I went to my primary care doctor. Oddly the same one I spoke of years later in the benzo withdrawal video, who acted like a baby and had a tantrum because I told him (politely) that I disagreed. So, I go see him in 1994 and he has me come back for a sigmoidoscopy. What I didn't know then is that would have been better to have done by a gastro doc and not a primary care doctor, but again I was 18, what did I know? A doctor was a doctor in my head back then.

So, he does this scope. When he is finished, Dr. Zeltner (It is not deformation of character if everything I say about this man is true), says to me... "Looks like you have a little colitis." and put me on a drug called Azulfidine for a year. There was no follow up about it, no explanation about what a little colitis was, no biopsy, nothing at all. This is right before the internet exploded on to the scene, so that was not at my finger tips yet to know anything about this "little colitis".

Years pass and when I would see him about pain it was always "It is IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), from your anxiety.". What did I know? I mean still at this point I knew little. That is what I would just tell close friends when I would go in pain so bad that I would almost faint. "Yea, I have IBS, it sucks." and the truth is IBS can cause that kind of pain, so really I had nothing to really be concerned about, after all it made sense.

Fast forward to 2009. I am in the depths of benzo withdrawal, people who follow me or seen the video know what happened. One day, because I had cramps so bad during it I turned white, broke into a cold sweat and for a few seconds till it stopped prayed for death I decided to place a call. I collected myself and called his majesties office (this was months after his flip out on me). I told a nurse on the phone that in 1994 I had a sigmoidoscopy. I would like to know the results of that test, because back then colitis was a word thrown around for not only ulcerative colitis, but for IBS". See what was not sitting right with me is no one with IBS gets put on Azulfidine and in almost all cases IBS does not cause bleeding the exception being usually when they have IBS-C (meaning severe constipation and that blood is usually from hemorrhoids and fissures).

The test was in 1994, so she had to take a few hours to call me back. When she did she said. "Dr. Zeltner said the diagnosis (in Sept on 1994) was ulcerative colitis vs. crohn's disease." I said "Well, which is it? Those are both completely different diseases." and she said "I will call you back."

An hour later the phone rings. She says "Ulcerative colitis". I say " do we know that?" and she said "Well in May 1995 he decided it was not crohn's disease that it was ulcerative colitis." OK, first of all I have not seen the man from Sept 1994 till May of 1995. I know this because I followed my girlfriend out to Western New York where she and I attended college. So how he suddenly had the light of the universe descend upon him and the answer was revealed is beyond me. I told her thank you and that was that.

I was too sick from benzo withdrawal and as everyone knows, because I drive it home to you all constantly, no doctor listened to me and I was just sick. So I placed that conversation away. The goal at that time was to just stay alive.

God this post is going to be long sorry.....OK

So, I quit smoking Sept 2009. Shortly after the bowel pain acted up more. I couldn't even go without living on Metamucil. This of course is somewhat common in people who quit. Many many people who quit smoking become chronically constipated for a time. This never ended for me, month after month. Left side pain became an issue again. I was always sore. That is what prompted me (if some of you have kept up with me so far) to see a gastro doc at Albany Medical Center in Jan 2010. Her and I didn't click. She is not a bad doctor, just was one of those things. My mother is very happy with her and she has done my mom justice in her cancer ordeal. She just couldn't really follow my story and that is OK, look not everyone is a match. Plus I was still not too well from the benzo issues. So I retreated into denial again.

The very day I saw her I came home and there was a voice mail. "Mom had a stroke and we are in the ER" from my father. I had just had a gastro who I was angry at (mainly because of how I had been treated by doctors, three days before a lung doctor tells me "anxiety" yet again, even when I scored below normal on breathing tests and got some half assed answer about the cause of that because I was thin and now my mother just had a stroke. There went quitting smoking....I drove right to the store and lit up. What a rush that was by the smoking for several months and then bam. It was like starting again...sick as all get out from it.

The next day I went to the bathroom just fine, within days the pain really subsided. Shortly after I tried to stop smoking again...after all what a fool I am for doing that to myself. Sadly that never came to pass and for the first time I admit I am still a smoker. However there have been times that I tried again for obvious reasons. When I do, my colon gets worse.

See I had cut back a lot the past two times the blood showed up and this is very important because I am going to copy and paste some info at the end of this post.

First, I want to say I think I do indeed have ulcertive colitis and it is no small thing to have at all, esp for someone like me. A week from now I will be contacting doctors yet again. I need time to settle all this in my head. I couldn't eat for days from stress and finally I am eating again. That is my pattern...I flip the hell out and then days to weeks later I reclaim my power and move myself forward...after all what other choice do we all have? I am scared, scared, scared of the scope and in my last post I told you I read all the horror stories, but that is easing because I have little choice. If it is ulcerative colitis it is dangerous and stupid for me not to find out. What I will do with proof of the illness will be a topic for later should that come to pass.

Here is some info which will explain the cigarettes:

"Ulcerative colitis appears to be a disease of non-smokers. Former smokers are at the highest risk for developing ulcerative colitis, while current smokers have the least risk. This tendency indicates that smoking cigarettes may prevent the onset of ulcerative colitis." "Researchers have discovered that it is the nicotine in tobacco cigarettes that has a positive influence on symptoms of ulcerative colitis. Nicotine is a naturally occurring substance in tobacco that has a complex effect on many organs and systems in the body. Nicotine is also highly addictive, and many people who smoke cigarettes have difficulty quitting despite the serious health risks."

Also I want to point out that many studies have been done and they are finding that ulcerative colitis causes (not caused by BUT CAUSES) anxiety, depression, heart irregularieies like palpitation and ohh yeah orthostatic intolerance aka why maybe I have POTS symptoms... (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, that magically no doctor in my area has heard of).

Something very interesting I found was a man who was placed on Ativan for his crohn's disease to comfort him. When his Ativan was taken away his crohn's disease raged back. The doctor felt it best to just keep him on Ativan. Of course knowing what benzo withdrawal does and talking with 1000s of people this makes since. Benzo's cause a horrible rebound effect that can last years...that was his weakness , his crohn's and ranging back it came...not to mention the digestive system is filled with "neurochemicals" it is just not the brain folks these things are concentrated in your gut and heart. This would also show that benzos have a direct effect of the gut.

Ok ..ok enough for now..I will tell more later.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

It always falls apart in the end.

About 2 months ago I went to the bathroom and noticed some blood, but I wasn't sure. Sometimes my lower left colon is tender. Then nothing again was seen, so I thought maybe it was just food. A few days ago when I went there was blood. It was no mistaking it this time, followed by my colon being tender for a few days. I mentally broke minutes later. I threw up right away and spent the rest of the night and coming days crying on and off. I have been eating just not too well because of the stress. I don't deal well with stuff like this. My mother having colon cancer and its recent return has just taken me to a very bad place when I saw the blood.

I am very good at living in denial about how awful I have felt for the past 2 years now, but the blood is so in your face it is the straw that broke the camels back. So I immediately did myself the disservice of reading stats on how often colons are perforated during colonoscopy. It is not as rare as one would hope. I then looked at the drugs used and the side effects from them during the test. After that I felt worse and threw up again. Now my anxiety is in full force. I have to call a doctor and haven't yet.

I am scared with the way I feel and how my heart is how I will even get through the test. I am scared what they will find. If not cancer, what? A disease that requires me to have colon-scopes every 2 to 5 years so I can then have a complete melt down that it will never end for me?

I am tired, tired of what I have lived through from the lung surgery to the benzo withdrawal and now this. What I am more sick of is my inability to cope with stress and falling apart at the drop of a hat. I don't even want to be online anymore. I just want to leave the internet for a year and if I am ok and still alive come back Jan. 2012. I would only have to sign on to pay my bills.

I hate sitting here with this pit in my stomach because I can't have a 100% guarantee that nothing won't happen to me. To everyone that is life, to me for some reason it destroys me. I get horrible fears that I will end up crippled at the mercy of others. I am scared of suffering both mentally and physically. I am tired of always feeling so empty and ill.

It is not that no one has ever offered to help. It is that the stress of a new person around me while I feel like complete shit makes me feel worse, way worse. I also don't want anyone to see me falling apart. It is embarrassing for me even if they don't care and I will use what little energy I have left trying to "act" OK for them.

People have often asked me why do I always think I will get the rare side effects or that bad things will happen to me? Because I do get them and have had a lot of bad stuff happen. I am so shell shocked by it all. I expect the worst. I am scared not to expect it is almost as if "thinking positive" has become a bad luck charm.

While I know that others out there have it worse than me it just seems they cope with it a hell of a lot better.