Tuesday, June 30, 2009


I think I am in an interesting place. At least today I am.

I woke up today. Had two slices of toast and some orange juice. It was thundering outside so I couldn't smoke right away. Soon after I ate, I had some discomfort in my chest, not sure if the discomfort was my heart or my stomach, either way I started to cough. This eventually caused stuff to come back up, so I went to the bathroom and threw up the juice and then yellow bile and finally this thick yellow sludge. I sat there on the bathroom floor with my heart pounding hard for a few minutes.

When I came out I told my mom and nothing was said. She started talking about something else. When I said it again she got mad and tore around the house for a phone book telling me to see a different doctor. After that minor tantrum she stopped. My father came home. At this point I was sitting on the back porch and he said hi. Asked how my stomach was so I told him and he walked inside saying nothing. It is at this point I thought "dude no one cares if you are sick or if you live or die." Maybe on some level they would care if I dropped dead because after all I am their child and I am sure people who know me would care and be upset, but life would go on.

I have watched myself suffer and be sick for 5 months now. Much longer if you count all the years of feeling run down and ill, the years of throwing up when I get nervous and the very empty feeling I have felt for as long as I can remember that I filled with alcohol for many years.

I have watched people watch me suffer, family, doctors and boyfriends. I always thought why the hell won't someone validate this, to help me by being there more than a ride or someone who just shows up. Why is it that doctors never seem to get the full scope of what I am living through esp. right now when I don't have the energy anymore to fight for myself.

Over the years I have had to do everyone elses job. Inform doctors about drug interactions, tests to run on me, among other things. I have gone to them with all sorts of problems that have popped up year after year. I tell them and I am either told it is anxiety or I just get a funny look. For example when I eat many foods my heart pounds and races. That is met with just a look and I am sent on my way. The problem is just because I am given some half assed explanation or a look doesn't make it stop. So I live with it, then the next thing comes and the next. That is why at this point at age 33 I can list a ton of things I go through on a daily bases only now the list is so long from adding up over the years I just sound crazy.

I have learned that when you do have an anxiety disorder three major things will happen to you:

1) Everything that is wrong with you will not be checked because to them you are always and forever "just nervous"
2) You are too scared to actually push the issue and run tests that could cause you harm because of anxiety and fear.
3) Everyone around you will think the answer to all your problems is psych medication, they are also usually the people who know nothing about it. And completely unaware that some people get terribly sick on these drugs and some die from them.

I have also learned that no one, friends, family or doctors will be able to keep the story straight. They forget most of it and you will answer the same question over and over. Reminding doctors each time why you are not taking this or that drug, reminding them that you had a major surgery before, what the disease was called and in my case met with "what is that?" so I have to explain to them what the disease was and what it did.

I think I was born in the wrong time. I might have been better off 100 years from now. I would hope anyway.

So what did I learn today? Not to talk about it anymore because no one cares about it. Why even bother telling my parents it only hurts me in the end. I don't want to die, but I am making peace with it in case I do. I will only tell doctors what is happening or I guess if someone asks. I just pray that any test I go through I can remain calm enough to get through it and by the grace of the universe get through this and if I die I only ask it is not painful and quick and not left crippled by anything I do to try to get well.

Monday, June 29, 2009

My mom is home

My mom came home from the hospital today at 5pm. She looks pale and like she lost weight. I only saw her for about a minute because she had to go to the bathroom as soon as she got home and then she went to bed.

I slept still about 430pm today. I was up till almost 9am this morning. I am not sure why, but I couldn't sleep.

I wish I didn't cry so much. I will be sitting on the back porch and suddenly tears just flow up into my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I keep wiping them off in case a neighbor can see me.

When I first wake up for hours my stomach feels sick and I can't eat at all. When I came inside my father was in the kitchen and I said that I still felt sick to my stomach and it has not lifted yet. He didn't say anything and just walked away to another room. It hurts when people don't say something even if I sound like a broken record. I know I say I am sick a lot, but is because I actually do feel sick. I keep telling people because I am scared and it is worse for me not to say anything and hold it all in.

Even if it is not true I feel like no one in my family cares that I am suffering. I feel like I am just some person they wish would go away or just snap out of being sick so they wouldn't have to listen to me anymore.

This guy I was talking to online who I think seems nice asked me on a date. I told him it wasn't him, but I can't even go to the corner of my block right now. He seems like a nice person and I hope we continue to talk online. I am a little scared once he sees the scope of what is going on with me he will slowly disappear.

I am also a little worried that if I actually met him I would start crying and scare him off. Not to mention I am not comfortable crying in front of people I don't know well. It just makes me look crazy and weak.

So I promised myself I would list 5 good things in my next blog:

1) I saw a squire with a redish white tail this morning which looked interesting
2) My mom is home
3) I can still walk
4) A bunny came in through the fence into the yard and I could see him up close
5) It is sunny out today

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Bad Dream

I feel well enough to post again so blog is back for now.

I had a disturbing dream last night. In the dream all I saw was the earth from a distance and heard a voice talking to me. I can't remember what the voice sounded like, but only remember the message. It told me that I have been hurt too much while I have been here and things aren't going as planned, so not to worry in a few months I will be taken home.

Let me tell you a dream like that does not help a severe anxiety disorder, now I feel freaked out and have to keep telling myself it was just a dream.

I talked to my mom on the phone, she is still in the hospital, but they say she can come home tomorrow. I am glad because I have been so lonely and not feeling well does not help when there is no one to talk to. My dad has been home, but if you have kept up with my blog you know that he is not really one to talk and tends to just get angry.

I have not been eating much over the past few days. I am not hungry at all and everything I eat is forced, because I just feel sick to my stomach. My heart rate is still running high and I am still having breathing problems. Last night though for an hour I could breathe well and that made me happy.

I am in a bad situation where my severe and I stress severe anxiety keeps me in complete lock down. I mean I even have teeth that hurt and are long over due to be fixed and I can't go. I can't even walk to the corner of the block I live on. I wake up every morning and cry on and off for hours. I have health problems that I will not push to have checked because I am too scared. It is not even about "oh you are scared, big deal suck it up." For me it is a whole body experience that takes me to levels of distress that no one should ever have to feel. I would imagine it feels the way someone would feel right before they got murdered. I have lived that experience 1000's of times over in my life and I am too run down and tired to deal with it right now. My whole body and mind seem on high alert and everything is triggering fear.

As for the physical aspect of what is going on I am scared out of my mind. I don't know what to do because I won't help myself because of the severe anxiety. The very pills to treat this are the very pills that made me this sick. Only thing is no one believes me or they seem to forget. Imagine if you were allergic to peanuts and the doctors and your own family said "Well you won't eat peanuts so you don't want help!" Then when you do eat peanuts and you become ill they all stand around you telling you "The peanuts are not making you sick. You are doing this to yourself."

I know very soon I will be given a drug and I will take it. Partly because sometimes I don't care anymore and partly to prove to them I will get sick and also so I can numb my mind to find out what is physically wrong with me. I am so scared it will get worse when I take something. Even if it doesn't make me worse then when I someday come off the new pill I will have withdrawal yet again, the same circle of people will be telling me "Its not the pill."

I hate being in this situation. A situation where if I don't take a pill I am sick and if I do take a pill I am sick. Either way I lose and just swap off what kinda sick I am.

The ignorance in this world consumes me. People take these pills and doctors prescribe theses pills and neither understand that these have been linked to sudden cardiac death, seizures and bleeding problems and a host of other horrors. A person taking them for 6 months will say "Oh I never had a seizure on them." Well good for you. They don't seem to realize the seizure can happen at anytime while on the drug. You can have a good 3 years and then have one or drop dead of cardiac arrest. The pill will never be blamed for the death. Instead a study will be done that says "People with anxiety tend to have sudden cardiac events above the general population when age, sex and smoking have been adjusted. Conclusion: People with anxiety disorders are at an increased risk of cardiac events." It is never the pills.

But then what is the answer? Esp for me. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. By the way I am all for a natural approach and while it helps ease things it does not cure severe anxiety or severe depression. In the past 18 years I have tried so many different natural things and I can honestly tell you it is not a cure all and does not help everyone.

If I have to hear one more person talk about how they have severe anxiety, but can work, has friends and lives a simi normal life I am going to slug them. That is not severe anxiety that is called life and/or a mild to moderate anxiety problem.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Blog on hold

I really don't feel well anymore, so I am going to stop updating the blog for awhile. I am living in constant breathlessness, my heart is back into the 127-140 range. I have not ate very much in two days. I feel sick to my stomach all the time and have a heavy chest. I see a doctor once again on July 1st.

No medical person has bothered to help me and I am not getting much better and sometimes feel like I am going backwards with my health.

I am just going to do whatever they want to do I don't care anymore. I have no energy to care.

My mom is still in the hospital. I told my dad today how breathless I am and how I can't eat. He just said you never can when it is hot. Which is not true. I use to live in FL and could breathe and could eat. It amazes me how I can walk around pale in front of people and doctors and nothing is done, no one seems bothered in the least.

I think I am actually dying and no one seems to give a shit.

If anything I might just update on twitter from time to time to keep people up to date on my mom and/or me.


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Brainwash Yourself

I have been thinking a lot recently about how the mind works and what it can do to the body. It amazes me the power behind thought, its ability to raise you up or destroy you. There was this woman I knew named Rosemary. She has since pasted away from cancer a few years ago. She was about 80 years old. The whole time she was living with terminal cancer, she would be outside my apartment complex talking to people, doing her own laundry and her own shopping. She was always happy to tell me that she got her new test results and her tumor was now smaller.

In fact when my xbf and I moved into that apartment complex she was the only person to talk to us. Being of an older generation, she still liked to know her neighbors and was not raised in the isolated world we all live in today.

I often think of her because how was it that she was happy (though I know she must have had bad moments) and I would fall to pieces? Is it really chemicals in the brain that are unbalanced in my head or is it something else?

I have been observing my thoughts and images in my head recently. Keep in mind some variation of these thoughts have been playing for about 18 years now, so they are very ingrained in my mind. That in itself causes changes to take place...more on that later.

My thoughts usually show me suffering in some way or another. This can be suffering from a medical problem, my parents both being dead and me sitting alone in a quiet house, sick and alone slowly losing my mind. Fainting while driving and killing myself or someone else. Bleeding to death and suffering as I fade away. Medical tests going wrong and leaving me crippled or unable to walk, take care of myself or think. Being trapped some place, ill and having to be left at the mercy of idiot people around me to try to help me. I worry about how doctors, dentists, people in general, esp. straight males will perceive me when I break down from anxiety, shake or throw up. I have had bad experiences in the past with that. It almost seems as if people get angry with me because I am unable to control my own body. "Just Relax!!", "Suck it up" and "Get over it." are all things that have been said to me as I lay there trying to do what they are demanding anyway.

A few weeks ago I started thinking about the differences between me and other people and what I have seen displayed in other people who suffer from anxiety and depression. What came to my mind was "Brainwash Yourself". Brainwashing is done all the time after all, esp. in modern society. The TV and Radio is nothing short of a mass brainwashing going on. It implants thoughts and ideas. It tells us how to dress, what to eat, what music and shows are popular. That is why I stopped watching TV. Even when you stop the information flow comes at you through the internet. After all like everyone else I know "John and Kate plus 8" are getting divorced. You have to ask yourself, what does it matter? Why do people even care? This information is streamed at us from every direction.

My point is if other people can brainwash us. Then we must be able to brainwash ourselves. There is a book, that if you haven't read is called "Brave New World". In it they live in a society where everyone is happy and they pop a pill called Soma all the time. Messages are played while they are at work such as "I am a good worker and I am happy with my job." The "science" behind it in the book is "62,400 repetitions equals one truth."

What if I started lying to myself most of the time, forced thoughts that I am not a smoker even if I am smoking. That I feel well even when I don't. That pleasure is pain. That I never get nervous even when I am? What kind of brain changes would take place over the long term?

When a person plays a violin an area of the brain lights up that doctors can see using a scan. When someone has been playing the violin for a long time, say professionally that area of the brain is thicker, it has more connections. Should the professional violin player stop playing for a long time, the brain slowly unplugs the connections, because it is no longer needed. That being said, when I or anyone else has anxiety, the thoughts that are running all over the place are doing so for many months or years. What changes have taken place in the brain? They already know the longer an anxiety disorder goes untreated the hard it is to overcome.

So the new game I will start to play with myself is seeing if I can brainwash myself out of this or at least some of it. I will still be complete honest in my blog aka negative, but the rest of the time in my head I plan on telling myself I am not a smoker, in fact I never smoked at all. Stuff like that. If I get any results in time I will post them. If you have anxiety, depression, addiction or worry, try it for yourself and see if it helps.

Monday, June 22, 2009

I can't breathe well

For awhile now when I wake up my bronchial tubes tingle bad when I inhale. I am careful to never take a deep breath when I first wake up because if I do it feels like I have inhaled fiber glass, hurts like hell and I will have a coughing fit. The lung that I have had surgery on years ago hurts as well at the bottom of it all day. That has been going on for years and I never get an answer as to why. This all comes along with heaviness in my chest. I have noticed when I do inhale and it hurts my heart rate flies up for awhile. I still have a poor appetite.

What really suck is the doctors do not believe me and I have seen many. What sucks more is my anxiety is stopping me from pushing them to do something because I am too frightened. I am very aware that I am going to have to drug myself again with a different pill because I can't do this alone otherwise. I am completely alone because my mom is too sick to help me get through it...there is no one else that I am comfortable with.

My main concern is what the hell will the next pill I take do to me? I can't take anymore side effects. Part of the fear of taking something new is after what just happened to me and no doctor believing me, what if something happens again? Will they just ignore me? I am seriously suffering and I am highly pissed off and scared.

I don't even like writing in this blog anymore. It is like come read my sorry life. I doubt I would even read it, it is depressing.

My mom was taken to the ER a few hours ago. She was not eating for a few days because of the chemo, bad cramps and vomiting. She is definitely losing way more fluid than was going in. She only had about 4 oz. of gatorade and a cup of water in the past 24 hours. She called her nurse and she said to go to the ER because she could have a bowel obstruction.

On a side note about my breathing I am so angry at myself for ever starting smoking when I was a teenager. I most likely have done permanent damage and I only have myself to blame.

I had a chest xray, 24 hour heart monitor and a heart echo a few months ago. I don't even know what to do next except a lung CT scan and that is what I am scared of doing because of the needle and how I will feel for days before the test, in a complete panic all coming to a head when they start the test. There is a good chance I would faint and since that is a major phobia of mine and I hate fainting I feel trapped by my fear and not sure if I can do the CT test if they finally order one.

I really am not sure what to do anymore because I know something is seriously wrong with me and I am not doing anything about it. Anyway I made a doctors appointment, he can get me in July 1st. I left a voice mail for my therapist last Saturday to see if I could get in to see her this Wed., but she has not returned my call and Social Services never did call back to fix the errors on my financial report. I had 10 days to have them correct it and called and left voice mails about 20 times literally. So it is now over 10 days and too late to fix it now, it has all been sent off to be approved or denied.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

How did I get here

Today I feel angry and upset. I want to feel well and not have this constant tension that I seem to live in. I can not tell what is stress or something else wrong with me. I know that I am never able to take a deep breath comfortably, but I also know I can not think of a time in over a decade where I just felt relaxed and at peace...maybe when I was drunk, but even then I remember feeling tension and awful, the alcohol just seemed to cover how I felt. It seems to be what everything does, just covers what I am experiencing.

Many times I feel like a caged animal trapped in this house, not only does anxiety keep me in here, but feeling like complete crap does as well. I feel to weak and ill to do pretty much anything. After I woke up today for example, I cleaned a little bit of my room up, this left me feeling breathless during it and tension in my chest, but at the same time I just wanted to cry, so I can't tell what is causing what. Is all this upsetness causing me to feel this sick, or and I upset because I feel so sick? I don't even know anymore. What I do know is I feel really bad most of the time. Literally I stay on my bed, on my computer in my room. There is nothing else to do anyway and even if there was I actually feel so ill that I would still stay in bed, on my computer, till I had a small moment of feeling OK.

It would be nice to meet new people, but what concerns me the most is I know the second they were kind to me or asked how I was doing I would breakdown in tears and possibly scare them off. Usually when you meet people it is the happy nice to meet you phase and not the hold me I am falling apart and to scared to help myself phase.

Outside of anxiety I have so much going on inside my body and so many reactions to food, that I can't even get it all out in a doctors office and when I start listing so many different things they just think I am mental anyway.

I wish more than anything in this world to someday date or be friends with a doctor, that is the only way they will see what is happening. The 10 minutes here and there in a doctors office just isn't cutting it. I could prove so much of it too, for example all I would have to do is drink and Ensure or eat a few starbursts and within 15 minutes I will have that pressure in my chest and a racing/pounding heart rate that will last for about an hour. This happens with almost all processed foods. I have been reduced to blending fruits and vegetables either in OJ or water so I don't get the reaction. Other times because I can't live on just fruit and vegetables I have to eat processed food and just deal with how it makes me feel.

90% of the time I feel like I am on the verge of collapse and sometimes I get tingly all over my body for a few seconds like I am going to faint. This will happen out of no place while reading a book or just chatting online. All these things that happen to me are so unpredictable that that in itself causes anxiety, because I live in a state of never knowing what is going to happen second to second. I can't plan anything because of it. Sometimes I go to my therapist and I am fine, other times I am sick as hell and it takes every bit of energy I have to go because I feel so ill.

I feel poisoned like my body is a toxic waste dump and I have no clue why. Someone mentioned to me that maybe I should get a body scan to make sure nothing is wrong. I have thought of that myself a few times, but here is the problem. I am so scared of stuff like that since there is a needle involved I won't do it. I am too scared and I would feel so sick from my anxiety doing something like that the idea just takes my breath away. I have painted myself into a corner. I am so nervous and fearful I will not do anything to help myself anymore, yet I sit here terrified of what is wrong.

I see everyone else having a life and I want one too. I just want to feel at peace and well. I would also like for someone to come into my life that I can relate too intellectually that has the same interests I do. How I am going to meet that person sitting in my bedroom I don't know.

My mom spent the past few days throwing up from here chemo and sleeping. The nurse came yesterday and removed the chemo. I think she doesn't do anymore for two weeks. I know she sees doctors this Thursday and Friday.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Social Services Does Not Call Back

My mom just left to have her new port checked, have the dressing changed and then they will give her the chemo drug she had the reaction to the last time. The doctors are hoping if they give it slower she will not have the reaction. If she doesn't have a reaction and all goes well, she will come home and the home health nurse will come and hook her up to the chemo here. She will have the home chemo for two days, then Friday the home health nurse will come and remove it.

She has been very wore out, weak and sick feeling. She has not been eating much. The other night she had some cantaloupe and a few hours later she threw that up. I think she has only thrown up once or twice, which is not too bad I guess. She has an anti nausea drug called Zofran, but she has not taken it yet. She is scared Zofran will make her sick and she says she is too sick to have a reaction to something. I am sure she will take it soon. Like me, she is sensitive to a lot of medication, so it is a little scary at first to take a new drug.

I got my Social Services Disability summary in the mail last week and the financial statement is completely wrong. This is because they insist they did a financial phone interview with me and they didn't. They pulled my old financial information from when I applied back in 2007. They also have my living address wrong. They list me moving into my parents house April 2009 and that is not true (They have my parents address listed as an apartment and that I live alone at that address.). I have had the same apartment since 2006 and still do. I explained that to them during the phone interview (the one where they go over past jobs and where you live.)

So I get this statement and it says I have 10 days from June 10th to call and fix any errors. So from the day I received the summary I have been calling social service. I call my case worker everyday and leave a voice mail. I have called the other woman's name that was listed on the statement as well (The woman who claims to have done the financial interview that never happened.) and leave her voice mails everyday.

Neither of them have called me back. I have called the main number and they say they can't help me and just transfer me to the case workers voice mail. I have called the 800 number and talked to someone there who was very rude and said she couldn't help me and "This is what you told them." and I said "I most certainly did not tell them any of this, they are using old information." to which she said "excuuuuuussssssseee meeeeeee". Seriously what a bitch.

So today I am waiting once again for someone to call me back. I have again left voice mails for both people. My sleep pattern is very hard for me to hold stable, so last night by the time I fell asleep it was 2am. Then I had to wake up early in case social services calls. I slept about 5 hours, which for some people is fine, but I do not do well on anything under 8 hours.

Being alone a lot is really taking its toll on me, thank God for the internet which keeps me busy. I was alone from Nov. 2008 till almost May 2009. Even though I am now temporarily staying at my parents, with my mom being so sick it is not like we talk a lot and my father doesn't talk, so basically I sit in my room alone a lot. I have had very little human contact in about 7 months. I don't recommend it, nor do I recommend throwing very stressful events on top of it. Sometimes I worry I am going to crack and end up in a mental hospital.

I want to thank all the people online who keep in contact with me. It really does help keep me sane.

Monday, June 15, 2009

My Moms Port Installed Again

My mom went today to the doctors to have her port inspected since it was not working right during her chemo last week. They found while she was there that it was not going to work, so they knocked her out and took it out and installed a new one. She is still in recovery right now.

I think because she just got the new port put in, she will have to have time to heal, so I think Wed. of this week her chemo will not be done.

I gained back some more weight thankfully. When I got sick after coming off the Xanax I fell as far as 140 lbs and now I am 150 lbs. I hope I continue to gain.

Seems these day I just cry at random. I will be completely fine and out of no place I will start crying my eyes out. Then 20 mins later I am fine again. I am chalking that up to everything that has been going on with my life recently and being worried about my mom.

I am going to post a picture of my parents. This picture was taken a few years back when I was living in Panama City Beach, FL. when they were visiting me. The picture was taken in my apartment that I had there. I am also going to post my baby picture. It was taken at the hospital the day I was born in 1976.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

My Moms Chemo Reaction

My mom had her first chemo treatment yesterday. When she woke up the morning of her treatment, her eye was red and badly bloodshot. She hoped that that would not stop them from giving her her chemo.

When she got there they checked her eye out to make sure it was not anything that needed to be treated and then tried to start her chemo, but her port that she had put in was not working. They finally got it to work an hour and a half later, so she started the chemo late. The port clogged a few more times, so Monday she has to see the doctor and they are going to do a dye test with the port to see what the problem is. She might have to have a new one put in.

At the end of her chemo they gave her a large dose of one of the drugs. (The same drug that she would be hooked up to all weekend at the house. She ended up having a reaction to the drug. She said she developed bad shoulder pain, her heart rate shot up, lips went numb, head got fuzzy and she started having bad hot flashes and dizzy spells. The nurses hooked her up to a heart monitor right away. Her blood pressure was very high, so they have her a shot of Benadryl and gave her Tylenol. They kept her there for an extra 40 minutes to make sure she was OK. The chemotherapy treatment place canceled the transfusion nurse that was suppose to come to the house to hook the chemo to her port, because her doctor is debating dropping the drug or just seeing if she needs a slower dose and not a large one all at once.

So Monday she goes to have her port checked and because she was not able to do chemo this weekend she will go in Wed. of this week to have the rest of her chemo. That is when they will test the drug she had the reaction too. If she has a reaction again they will drop the drug and add a new one. Tuesday depending on how the port test goes Monday, she might have to have the port reinstalled, she doesn't know yet.

When I woke up this morning she was sleeping on the couch, but since then she has eaten a light breakfast. She is very wore out feeling and has cramps and an upset stomach. She has not thrown up yet though. She also says that her sinuses hurt and her teeth.

I canceled my therapy appointment for Wed. at 2pm because my mom has to have chemo and there will be no one to take me. So I told the therapist I will call her next Monday to make another appointment because I will know more by then.

I am still having dreams about having chemo. Last night was no different, only in this dream, both me and my mother were getting chemo at the same time and I was sick to my stomach and vomiting in my dream. I started crying in my dream and woke up from the sound of me actually crying which was weird. So I guess I cry in my sleep.

Side story that most people won't believe, but I want to just add it here for myself.

Yesterday around 3pm I was on the internet and I developed bad right shoulder pain, deep inside the shoulder and the pain was also in the side of my neck. My first thought was "Oh great, I am having a heart attack and no one is here and I can't reach my parents" (The cell phone has to be off in the chemo area.) I looked up heart attack online and that was only mildly helpful. It said the arm pain is usually on the left side (mine was on the right), but that it can be in either arm and sometimes there is no symptoms at all...great.

So I got up and went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and I looked fine, but my shoulder continued to hurt. I thought maybe I slept on it wrong or lifted something the wrong way. I then took Tylenol and figured I would see if it helped. It did and it went away 20 mins or so after.

It was not till my mom came home and told me about her chemo reaction that I even knew she had severe shoulder pain. The pain was the same as mine, deep shoulder pain going to the side of the neck. It was the same side, both were in the right shoulder and for the pain the nurse gave her Tylenol...the same pill I decided to take for my pain. Her pain started around 3pm the same time mine came out of no place.

Either way coincidence or not it was interesting. I have had no shoulder pain since that point.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Moms First Chemo

Well today is Friday. The day my mother starts her chemo. She will go in at 9:45am to start her treatment, then she will be there for 3 hours. After that she will come home. A nurse will come to the house soon after and hook chemo up to her port that she had put in. The chemo will continue till Sunday afternoon, then the nurse will return and remove it from the port.

This first round of chemo is the original cocktail she was suppose to get before her cancer spread to her liver. In two weeks her chemo will be different and stronger to try to kill off the cancer that spread to the liver. Soon her oncologist will be having the surgeon call my mom to let her know when she is going to have surgery to remove the part of her liver.

Yesterday she had her mammogram, which she was due for. She said she might as well get it done before the chemo starts and make sure there is nothing spotted there as well.

I know she must be nervous about today. I know I am. I am worried about how she is going to react to all the chemo, because like me she is sensitive to many medications. I just hope she does not get to many side effects. She has been though enough and with another surgery coming up I just hope she gets a small break.

I would really like for my mother to get well and beat the cancer even if now it is a low chance. She always wanted to live to be in her 90's and get to be an "old lady" as she puts it. She said she is not ready to leave Earth so soon and that scares her. So I hope she pulls through all of this. She has had a hard life and is a nice person...I just don't want her to suffer.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

True Friends

So I woke up this morning around 2:30am and signed on yahoo. I had this lovely conversation with a friend from high school that I have kept in touch with over the years. We even use to live together. I knew where the conversation was going so I just played along to see what would be said by putting a lot of "hehe's" and saying very little indepth things.

Pretty much the attack on me started out of no place because right before the first lines of the copy and paste conversation I am putting below, she was just talking about her kids and xbf from years ago. The "u have yer illness" came out of no where literally. We were not even talking about me and I was not even talking about me.


Friend: u have yer illness
Friend: i have my kids
Brian: lol
Brian: i rather have kids
Brian: hehe
Friend: no
Friend: u dont
Brian: hehe
Friend: they wpould
Friend: be warped
Friend: fucked
Brian: yes
Brian: why warped lol
Friend: u need more
Friend: then what life can give'
Brian: hmm how do i do that
Brian: hehe
Friend: stop
Brian: stop?
Brian: hehe
Friend: thinking u have everything wrong with you
Friend: u r fine\
Brian: sorta hard to do when i keep getting dizzy spells when walking and head pressure and racing heart which I never had before
Friend: no
Brian: and when i throw up
Brian: I try to ignore it
Friend: its in yer head
Brian: not all of it
Brian: anxiety is
Friend: some of it]
Brian: the anxiety part sucks
Brian: it is like being on edge all the time which drains people who have it
Brian: and there is no reason to feel on edge people just do
Brian: its weird
Friend: you
Friend: need
Friend: help
Brian: I see a therapist
Friend: get it
Friend: not enough
Brian: and doctors
Brian: who else then hehe
Friend: i dont know
Friend: but yer fucked
Brian: thanks
Friend: yw

So I just signed off after that. There really is no point. The same person kept asking me to let them be there for me a few weeks ago and how they were sorry about my mom and what I was going through and "How come you won't let me be there for you?"

The answer to that is because I might have a lot of issues, but I can spot other unstable people who may want to be there for me or think they do, but I know they can't be. I also know that they will turn on me on a dime and that is not what I need right now. That is also not a true friend.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Other Night

The night that my mother found out the cancer spread to her liver she was eating dinner and said in a joking way "I told dad that if anything happens to me you are going to have to learn to cook." I told her "Me? I only blend stuff mostly now, he will get two large cups of blended fruit and I will say drink up." she laughed then turned right to crying and said "I am going to miss you guys so much when I am gone." It was heartbreaking. My father just continued eating and didn't say anything. I said "Mom you aren't going to miss us. You are going to be OK." I felt like I was half lying to her. She cried for a few minutes, then was watching TV.

She seems to get these crying spells in waves as do I. I tend to cry late at night when I am out in the backyard smoking or in my bedroom. I know for myself I am crying about my mom being sick and for me with everything I have gone through and continue to go through as I try to fight my way back to the old me. That is my goal for now, get back to the old me. Granted the old me is not that great, but when I get there then I will make some choices as to what to do for myself and how to go about things.

The only recent emotion I saw my father have was soon after my mom told him the cancer was in her liver now. He walked out the front door and stood on the walkway for a minute then came back inside. I know he is feeling something. I just wish he was not so closed down emotionally like he always is. He has to go get his cholesterol checked again soon because it was high, then through a diet I gave to my mother it went down. However his triglycerides went up, so he was working on that. Since my mom has gotten sick though, he is not eating as healthy as he was and with all his repressed stress I am sure it is back up.

I had a dream last night that I had lung cancer and the doctors were talking about removing two lobes of my lung and starting chemo on me. I have been having a lot of dreams like that recently. I know it is because of what is happening to my mother. Also I know the dreams are happening because of my own real fears now of cancer and my lack of faith that I could get through something like that with out having a completely meltdown.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Agoraphobia Video

Just a little comedy video clip about agoraphobia that I came across.

Super Bowls of Pee

Monday, June 8, 2009

Stage 4 Cancer

I didn't smoke for 30 hours and I was so proud of myself. That is the longest I had gone in a long time.

I went to the therapist today and then after I stopped over at my apartment because I had to get my birth certificate. I needed that because I have applied for medicaid and when my father goes down for me Wed. they need that along with all my forms.

Soon after I got to my apartment I discovered I had been robbed. My small safe with my passport and over $900 dollars of gold and silver was gone and a few other small items.

There was no sign of breaking and entering so I assume one of the maintenance men took it. There is this really creepy one that works there and is drunk all the time...so I assume it was him, but I have no proof.

A few hours after I got back home my mother got her call about her PET scan and the cancer has spread to her liver so now she is a Stage 4. That means she has an 8% chance of still being alive in 5 years. When she starts chemo this Friday they have to add stronger drugs and soon she will have to have surgery yet again...this time to remove part of her liver.

Needless to say I smoked after all that and then felt disappointed in myself and lightheaded from not smoking for 30 hours. I am going to keep working at the smoking.

Thia sucks so bad..I am sick, my mom is sick and I am not ready for her to die....not this way. I went to bed only to wake up 2 hours later feeling sick and have a splitting headache right now. It is me being sick like normal mixed with an ton of stress that I can't seem to control. I am getting no breaks between bad events happening in my life. I am very very scared and lost.

I do not know at all how I am going to handle all this. People always say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I think he is overestimating my abilities.

Mothers Little Helper

I find it completely amazing that you can be damaged by a medication and no one will believe you. It baffles me that you can find 1000's of other people that have had the same reaction as you, information on what is happening to you that is published in medical journals as far back as 20 years ago, mentioning of the problem in several places on the National Institute of Healths website and you still cannot get anyone to listen or help.

I have printed this stuff out for doctors, both family doctors and ER doctors. I informed my Cardiologist of what happened as well. It doesn't matter because they do not read, they do not understand or worse don't want to understand. I am met with the same blank stare, the same words repeated over and over as if they have all been preprogrammed..."It is just anxiety."

When they say that crap to me I swear I want to beat their fucking face in at this point. You know what is worse? Friends and family not believing you...oh yeah that makes for a hell of a good time. It is always fun to be told that they think it is in your head or "well there is no proof" and "a lawyer would never believe you".

You know a old long term friend of mine actually told me that I am selfish...you know who you are if you are reading this and to that I say go fuck yourself and that is why you will never be in my life again. Sorry I am so fucking selfish that I was there for your miserable ass since 1998 and now that I am actually sick I am selfish?? Yeah OK sit and spin buddy.

I have kept mental notes through this whole ordeal. I am never going to forget how I was treated by the medical community, friends and family. I will tell you one thing if I ever get better or half of my energy comes back I am going to make it my mission in life to put what happen to me all over the internet. I am naming names and addresses of all these hospitals, doctors and clinics and exactly how I was treated.

Do you know there are people who actually read this blog, and I mean read the whole thing and then say "Maybe you could take some Xanax to help with your anxiety, I have taken it and it helped me." Seriously are you on fucking crack? What the hell is wrong with you people? You cannot read and understand? Has the world become this slow at this point? How the hell do you read about how sick I am... almost every post since Feb 2009 talking about it and then actually ask me if I might want to consider Xanax???

Then there are the people who know about the blog and never read it..and whine about it. Seriously people if you don't want to read a blog then don't, but shut the fuck up about the fact that I have one. Do you think I want to explain over and over to each person what happened to me and re-answer every question over and over? That is why I have the blog so I don't have to tell it over and over. Do you have any idea what it has been like to have to tell this story over and over to doctors each and every freaking time I see their dumb asses?? I am sick of telling the goddamn story.

As soon as my fucking body goes back to the way it was before I ever took that fucked up pill.. I will stop talking about it....till then if you don't want to read about it or think I am too negative and the blog "depresses people" ...let me give you some great advice.. don't read it, but also don't ask me questions about it, because I do not want to explain it twice.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Cigarettes and Mental Illness

I am beginning to wonder if cigarettes can cause mental illness or at least make mental illness worse.

Cigarettes have been link to almost every major psychical health issue there is, but not to mental issues. You have to wonder though after all cigarettes change neurochemicals in the brain, so why couldn't it cause some peoples brains to get messed up?

Mentally ill people smoke more cigarettes than the general population and in the studies I have read they seem to chalk that up by saying "maybe mentally ill people started smoking to relieve their stress", but how would the brain of a mentally ill person, that never had nicotine, know that if it just smokes it will feel better? It doesn't make since and like Judge Judy says "If it doesn't make sense it's not true.".

I think in some cases cigarettes cause mental illness. After all some people can't take certain medication without having bad side effects while other people have no issue with the medication, so why should cigarettes be any different?

I know I was always a nervous person and seemed to worry more than other children, but I can honestly say the bulk of my issues surfaced around the time I started smoking, but then I was also a teenager at that time, so that could also have been a major cause of it escalating.

I know at one point I quit for 4 years and had anxiety during that time as well, but then I was hiding the fact I was gay and had a girlfriend. I was also living on my own for the first time away from home and was over 300 miles from my family, so that I can see would also aggravate an existing anxiety disorder.

I don't know, it is just a guess about the cigarettes causing mental illness in some people or even making mental illness worse. I just know from experience the longer I have smoked the worse I have become mentally. Then again maybe I would have become just as nervous if I never smoked, who knows.

I found when I did a search on google about cigarettes causing mental illness not many results came up, so I figured I would write a post, so others out there that are wondering if cigarettes cause mental illness could find my blog and comment or tell me their own experiences with it.

Saturday, June 6, 2009


I talk a lot about the physical symptoms I am having and not a lot about the emotional ones that I have been having for years and some new ones now. So I figure I will make this post about that.

I am scared. Scared to death of a lot of things and I am depressed and angry.

Because of anxiety I am not able to do much of anything. I am a prisoner in my own house and body. I want so badly to just be normal and be able to go places. I can't go to the store, to concerts, hang out with people, work, and now drive my car.

Medical stuff causes my anxiety to go off the charts esp. now. I see what my mom is going through with her cancer and I just couldn't do it, at least without completely losing my mind. It would be nothing short of a pure nightmare for me. Even thinking about the stuff that makes me nervous makes me feel tense inside and sometimes I get a feeling like I am going to have a mental break down.

I am also scared because I don't have any "safety people" right now. It takes a long time of in person hanging out and a certain personality to become a "safety person". My mom is one, but she is going through too much to be one right now.

I am depressed because I am scared of what is wrong with me (i.e. my heart), my mother being sick and maybe losing her to cancer. I am depressed because I am not normal and I know it. I miss the old days when I was happier. I just don't feel close to anyone or anything anymore and even the few people I do I have such a mental block that I can't make a positive move in that direction.

I am heart broken still from my break up, which you would think I would be over..I mean it has been 6 months. I am depressed because I can't drink alcohol because I just want to wash all these feeling away (and if I thought for a second it wouldn't make me sick or worse feeling I would drink). I am also depressed because meds don't help and seem to mess me up more. I don't know if what the xanax did to me is permanent or not nor can I get anyone to believe it did something to me. I can't even stop smoking and my lungs hurt to breath when I wake up and like a crackhead I go right back outside and smoke knowing what it is doing to me.

I am angry because I am not young anymore. I would give everything I had just to be 21 again. I miss the fun and the feeling of youth (It bothers me that I will never be young again). The excitement of everything like new love and getting a new apartment with your messed up friends...just everything is more exciting when young. I miss the parties and the drunken nights of sex and actually having a sex drive. I am angry that my father is not there for me and that even though I love my parents esp. my mom I know that they fucked me up bad. And I am angry about how much I am missing out on things.

Sometimes I am so worried that I am going to crack and just be put away. I feel completely frozen in time and unable to fix myself or get anyone to not just listen, but really hear me for once in my life and to really get me.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Heart Rate Recovery

My mom had her PET scan today. She can't get close to us for about 24 hours because she is radioactive. Monday we will find out the results and see if the cancer spread to her liver or not.

Since they put her port in (where she will be getting chemo) she has had bad shoulder and back pain that her pain meds (Lortabs) aren't helping. She told her doctor during her PET scan and they are going to send her to a physical therapist to help work out the pain.

I slept late and didn't wake up till 5pm. For years now on and off (mostly on) I am sick to my stomach for hours when I first get up. Sometimes it is so bad I actually throw up. It really wares me out feeling that crappy everyday. All those year that I drank alcohol I always just assumed I was hungover, but I guess not. I do remember feeling sick though in high school years ago in the morning, because of that I usually couldn't eat breakfast. Sometimes before school I would drink Carnation Instant Breakfast. Sometimes that would stay down and other times it wouldn't. I do know back in high school when I started to lift weights I would vomit more often.

Over the years I have had two upper GI's and they never show anything. I was just told it was normal and nothing was done. I was put on drugs like Pepcid and Zantac in the past and it never helped it.

I did the treadmill again today (20 mins total [15 mins at 2mph and 5 mins at 3mph on a slight incline]). My recovery heart rate sucks, but then my heart rate sucks right now anyway it is still beating fast and I am told it is "just anxiety". I am going to have to get more forceful the next time I see the doctor. Seriously I have had anxiety for 18 years only 2 of those years I was medicated. The other 16 drug free years my heart did not do this and I was just as nervous then. I understand that some people have a naturally high resting heart rate, but when mine was always in the 70's and 80's and is now 96-110 that is not normal for me..nor is my standing heart rate of 130-140 (most of the time).

I feel annoyed when I think about the cardiologist saying "it should come down soon as you get on a good SSRI." I mean are these people thick in the head? I was not on a "good SSRI" all those years and my heart was normal and when I took a "good SSRI" March 4th I fainted and that night my heart rate went up and stayed up....HELLO!!!! are you even listening!!

I checked my weight yesterday and thankfully I stopped dropping weight. Even though I have not been eating well I am 146 lbs., but I am 5'11 so that is not great. At one point during this I got as low as 140 lbs. Before all this started I was 160 lbs and would like to get back to that as soon as I can.

Below is a short clip about heart rate recovery after exercise.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Moms Chemo Put Off

My mothers chemo has been put off till next Friday because she went to see her doctor today and he said her CT scan showed spots on her liver. So tomorrow instead of chemo she is going in to have a PET scan done of her liver so they can see if the cancer spread. If it is in her liver she will have to then have two rounds of chemo then surgery to remove the part of her liver that has the cancer is in. If she does have cancer in her liver that moves her from a stage 3C to a stage 4 cancer with an 8% chance of being alive in 5 years. Hopefully the cancer did not spread.

I got my new Netbook today and soon I will get my cam from my apartment and see if it works well enough. If it does then I will go back on Justin.tv sometimes because I have been pretty lonely and at least that is an outlet for me to talk to people. Seeing people esp. in person right now if not easy for me.

I have remained friends with my xbf, but sometimes I can't help but feel pissed off. I mean little did I know soon after he left that my world would fall part, me losing my health and my mother getting cancer. If he was still there I could at least stay at my own apartment instead of this room at my parents house. I am just not ready to be there alone yet and to be honest I am not sure if I will be ready anytime soon. I think it is a pretty shitty thing to do leaving me on Thanksgiving after five years of being together. Things were not perfect, but I was willing to work stuff out. He wanted to go out and have fun, well that is fine I understand that, but seriously the fun will end and shit happens in your life when you will really need people and the "good time fun people" no matter how close you think you are to them will run for the hills when the shit hits the fan.

I wrote several months back about knowing I would be changed by what I have been going through. I knew I would be because back in 2000 almost dying and then having lung surgery changed me. This however has changed me in such away that I can never view the world the same again nor would I want to. I don't even want to go completely into how I see the world now because to be honest I don't even have the words to explain it and I would just sound like a complete nutjob on some rant.

I don't know if I should look at my life as a giant curse that has caused more suffering than people will ever know or understand or a blessing that snapped me out of the trance I was in for over half of my life. Those that have suffered I am sure will understand that last sentence. Many people have suffered more than I have and to them I take my hat off. I can only imagin the insight they have gained into this world and my thoughts are with them all.

I was going to skip the treadmill today to give myself a break, but I decided if I actually did that maybe it would be harder for me the following day so I toughed it out and did it anyway. My sleep is completely messed up because I started staying up late watching people on their cam sites and now I am waking up around 3pm - 5pm in the afternoon. I have to get off that pattern yet again.

I am back on twitter and added a link on the blog to it. If you want to follow me feel free.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Attacking H. Pylori

My mother went to here chemo class today. She said it was informative and scary. She starts chemo this Friday. She is thinking she may not be able to work through the whole thing and thinking about taking temp. disability from her job.

I can tell she is getting more nervous as Friday approaches which is understandable. I must say she is handling this better than I would. I might even feel more worried for her than she dose.

Nothing has really changed with me same ol crap going on. I am able to eat more than I was a few months back though. Not enough, but more, which I am taking as a good sign.

I did the treadmill today again. I am up to 20 mins a day now (17 mins at 2mph and 3 mins at 3mph [all on a slight incline.]

I have been using the blender a lot and blending oranges, kiwi, bananas, and blueberries mixed in orange juice that is calcium fortified.

I switched over to rice pasta since it is easier to eat than plain rice. I started taking olive oil again and have been eating chicken drumsticks (sometimes hamburger).

I have been reading a lot about H. Pylori (the bacteria that causes ulcers, is linked to stomach cancer and now maybe heart disease.) and trying to find out what kills it besides the megadoses of multiple antibiotics for weeks at a time. (I am sensitive to antibiotics in normal doses and some of these pills can cause serious side effects in some people like psychosis (fun times).

Anyway I am going to try to kill it myself first. If anyone can do it it is me. I will try a moderate approach first, which I already started June 1st. and will continue it till the first week of July. Then soon after I will have my doctor order a bowel sample test and see if it is still there. If it is I will try a much more aggressive approach and do that for a month then test again. If the little bastards are still there in the Fall I will have to take all those antibiotics to kill it and hope for the best as far as reactions go.

If I do manage to kill it off I will post everything I did to do it so others can try who want to take a natural approach. I won't be able to say "I cured my H. Pylori doing this." because then the FDA will come down on my ass hehe.

I would really like for my heart to go back to normal. I still have a very high resting heart rate. I am hoping in time that goes down. I think what concerns me is if I know it is not being caused by anxiety (yet all the doctors think it is.) then what the hell is causing it?

On the Benzo withdrawal forum people have reported their hearts racing for months after they stopped taking their drugs. I have found on there the people who report the heart problem the most were on xanax which is the drug I was on. Hopefully it is that and not some medical issue that is being overlooked. I have been though that before. "Oh your shortness of breath is just anxiety and stress." cut to me having part of my lung removed in Aug. 2000.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Lady Gaga - Paparazzi (Full official video)

On a demented level I can relate to this song.


We are the crowd
We're c-coming out
Got my flash on it's true
Need that picture of you
It's so magical
We'd be so fantastical

Leather and jeans
Your watch glamorous
Not sure what it means
But this photo of us
It don't have a price
Ready for those flashing lights
'Cause you know that baby I

I'm your biggest fan
I'll follow you until you love me
Baby there's no other superstar
You know that I'll be your

Promise I'll be kind
But I won't stop until that boy is mine
Baby you'll be famous
Chase you down until you love me

I'll be your girl
Backstage at your show
Velvet ropes and guitars
Yeah cause you'll know
I'm staring between the sets
Eyeliner and cigarettes

Shadow is burnt
Yellow dance and return
My lashes are dry
But with teardrops I cry
It don't have a price
Loving you is cherry pie
'Cause you know that baby I

I'm your biggest fan
I'll follow you until you love me
Baby there's no other superstar
You know that I'll be your

Promise I'll be kind
But I won't stop until that boy is mine
Baby you'll be famous
Chase you down until you love me

Real good
(We dance in the studio)
Snap, snapped
(That shit on the radio)

Don't stop boy, rewind
We'll blast it but we'll still have fun!

I'm your biggest fan
I'll follow you until you love me
Baby there's no other superstar
You know that I'll be your

Promise I'll be kind
But I won't stop until that boy is mine
Baby you'll be famous
Chase you down until you love me