Thursday, June 4, 2009

Moms Chemo Put Off

My mothers chemo has been put off till next Friday because she went to see her doctor today and he said her CT scan showed spots on her liver. So tomorrow instead of chemo she is going in to have a PET scan done of her liver so they can see if the cancer spread. If it is in her liver she will have to then have two rounds of chemo then surgery to remove the part of her liver that has the cancer is in. If she does have cancer in her liver that moves her from a stage 3C to a stage 4 cancer with an 8% chance of being alive in 5 years. Hopefully the cancer did not spread.

I got my new Netbook today and soon I will get my cam from my apartment and see if it works well enough. If it does then I will go back on sometimes because I have been pretty lonely and at least that is an outlet for me to talk to people. Seeing people esp. in person right now if not easy for me.

I have remained friends with my xbf, but sometimes I can't help but feel pissed off. I mean little did I know soon after he left that my world would fall part, me losing my health and my mother getting cancer. If he was still there I could at least stay at my own apartment instead of this room at my parents house. I am just not ready to be there alone yet and to be honest I am not sure if I will be ready anytime soon. I think it is a pretty shitty thing to do leaving me on Thanksgiving after five years of being together. Things were not perfect, but I was willing to work stuff out. He wanted to go out and have fun, well that is fine I understand that, but seriously the fun will end and shit happens in your life when you will really need people and the "good time fun people" no matter how close you think you are to them will run for the hills when the shit hits the fan.

I wrote several months back about knowing I would be changed by what I have been going through. I knew I would be because back in 2000 almost dying and then having lung surgery changed me. This however has changed me in such away that I can never view the world the same again nor would I want to. I don't even want to go completely into how I see the world now because to be honest I don't even have the words to explain it and I would just sound like a complete nutjob on some rant.

I don't know if I should look at my life as a giant curse that has caused more suffering than people will ever know or understand or a blessing that snapped me out of the trance I was in for over half of my life. Those that have suffered I am sure will understand that last sentence. Many people have suffered more than I have and to them I take my hat off. I can only imagin the insight they have gained into this world and my thoughts are with them all.

I was going to skip the treadmill today to give myself a break, but I decided if I actually did that maybe it would be harder for me the following day so I toughed it out and did it anyway. My sleep is completely messed up because I started staying up late watching people on their cam sites and now I am waking up around 3pm - 5pm in the afternoon. I have to get off that pattern yet again.

I am back on twitter and added a link on the blog to it. If you want to follow me feel free.

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