Thursday, July 31, 2008

The 100 Day Confessional

I have been thinking about posting this for sometime but I have gone back and forth on if I wanted to only because it was so personal. However as time has gone on I have been writing more and more personal things about myself in this blog so I figured I might as well.

A little background on this. I had just got done watching a video called "The Secret" as some of you may have seen or heard about on Oprah. On Youtube there was a group of people doing something called "The 100 day challenge" where they were trying to see how they could change their life in 100 days using "The Secret".

It seemed fun and I never completed it. For me it turned more into a confessional. I did not even use my face on the videos just a picture of Earth and my voice.

Each video is about 9 mins long and there are 9 videos. You will hear me talking about what day of "The 100 day challenge" I am on at the beginning of each video.

Truth be told all 9 videos were recorded in a single night and I just broke them down into different days. I recorded it a little over a year ago and was drinking several Coors Light beers while I was recording it.

I tried to stop drinking at that time but that did not end up happening till Nov. 2007.

This may take some time to get through but maybe it will be useful or helpful to someone who listens.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Off To The Club We Go

If there was ever a point were I completely lost my mind it was in the fall of 2003. For some reason I started to completely not care about life and started to wonder about the social norms we live by. All this thinking was of course at the time mixed with heavy drinking.

My mornings would start by me waking up on a blow up bed in my mouse infested apartment and taking a walk down the street to the corner store to buy six 24 oz. cans of Coors Light. Usually while walking there my heart would be pounding so hard and a form of paranoia would be setting in from the heavy drinking I had done the day before. Alcohol would calm my anxiety but payback was a bitch. When the alcohol wore off the anxiety would be 10 times worse than it normally was had I not been drinking. While walking to the store I was sure if someone ran up to me that I knew and started talking to me I would jump out of my skin or throw up or both.

I would get in the store and I remember at times holding my breath. I wanted to get out of there before I had to breath again. The length of time in the store felt overwhelming. When I have high anxiety there is something about being in a store that drives me mad. The lights, colors, sound of the running fan by the register and people moving around me to get to the item they want. Thankfully it was a small store and the beer was near the front door and register. Since I bought beer there everyday the people that worked there knew me and seemed not to judge that I was buying beer at 830am in the morning. Though I am sure they knew I had an issue with drinking I was usually greeted with "How are you doing boss?" or one time "We were almost out of Coors boss but I knew you would be coming in so I put six in the back for you boss. I will get them for you."

Once I got back to my apartment I would start to drink. After the first 24 oz. I must admit I felt a lot better. I then would go online to and start to chat with people or look for a possible hookup to come over later.

You have to understand at the time the only things in this one bedroom apartment besides the mice were a blow up bed, a small 13 inch TV that set in the corner on the floor, an alarm clock, and my computer which set on a card table. The roof leaked, there was not always running water, no oven just my microwave and a half working refrigerator that I would not keep food in too long. At that time however I really did not need to keep food there because there was a Chinese restaurant two doors down and other such food places. I lived on beer, Chinese and pizza for the most part.

At the time my best friend who I would go out to the clubs with every night was sleeping with hustlers and starting to do crack. I remember at the super bowl party he had at his apartment that year I was drinking while the other people were doing crack, coke, opium and whip-its (nitrous oxide). That was the year Janet Jackson flashed her breast.

So anyway the two day mental break from reality came when one night I got so drunk I thought it was a good idea to get dressed as an alien and go to one of the local gay clubs. My friend at the time had the alien suit from a past Halloween. So I went over to his house to put it on and we went to the club together. Walking over with a giant "Alien Grey" head and the alien body that went with it certainly brought attention. It was impossible to see who I was. It was one of those all encompassing costumes. Cars would slow down as he and I walked to the club and I would just wave at them. It was sort of humorous to see peoples expressions especially when they would turn the corner not expecting to see an alien with a large head walking by.

When I got to the club some people clapped. Of course they were drunk too and this must have seemed fun to them. I do remember it was hard to drink while in that custom and I would have to slip the Twisted Tea bottle under my giant head and drink it with a straw. That is the only night I ever danced in a club. I refused to tell anyone who I was and no one could tell. The only person who knew was the friend I went with. I remember dancing with this hot lesbian and she said to me "Are you a boy or a girl?" I told her a boy but I think she was hoping for a different answer.

At 4am I wandered home drunk in my alien suit to my apartment. You have to understand I lived in a bad area at the time but I don't think anyone was going to mug the alien. I would assume even criminals would not want to mess with the mental case coming down the empty streets at 4am in a giant alien suit.

The next day I woke up still drunk. I felt like I was going to die and went to the bathroom to throw up. Then of course paranoid back to the corner store to get beer.

That night I went out again with the same friend to a different club. After we drank a bit he passed out in the corner of the club so I went to the bathroom. A girl was in there doing coke and had all this makeup laid out. I asked her if I could have a tube of her red lipstick. She gave it to me and said I could keep it. At first I just put it on my lips. However eventually I had colored in my whole face. Forehead to chin was colored with blood red lipstick. I would have painted more but the tube was now empty so I took the tube and looking in the mirror carved the word "FUCK" backwards in the lipstick across my forehead (you have to do it backwards in the mirror).

This is where it gets spotty but I opened the bathroom door and do remember some heavy set girls eyes get very big from shock of seeing a blood red face emerge with the word "fuck" written on it. Then later someone taking a picture because I remember this figure coming out and a flash bulb going off. At some point how long later I don't know I went outside to smoke a cigarette. Either I had met this guy in the club or outside while smoking but I knew we walked back to my apartment and had sex. He was wearing a white t-shirt and by the time he left he was covered in red lipstick. His white t-shirt looked like he had been shot and bleeding. I have no idea who that guy was but every time I went out after that night I looked to see if I saw a face that was semi familiar. I am sure if I ever saw his face it would trigger my memory and I would know that is who it was.

Of course it has been five years since that event took place so I am no longer trying to figure out who the guy was and the days that followed I seemed to go back to my normal, drunk, nervous self.

If someone ever asked me if there was ever a time I felt I had lost my mind it would be those two days. The strange thing is I am not embarrassed even now by it. I wouldn't change those events from happening. If anything I am more curious by my behavior at the time.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Sleeping and The New Diet Update

I finally got my sleeping back on track after weeks of trying. I woke up at 530am and I am so happy. I had been going to sleep at noon and getting up at 8pm and that made me feel like crap. I have had insomnia issues for several decades now and I am always happy when it resets for a little while and I can feel like a normal rested person.

I went to the super market this morning. When I am able to go I like to go late at night or early in the morning since there are less people then. I also went over to my parents house and did some laundry. The next apartment I have I really would like a washer and dryer hookup and a dishwasher. Most of the time I eat off paper plates and use plastic cups and plastic spoons because I hate doing dishes.

I have been working on a new diet for people to try out to see if it helps them with their anxiety and/or other health issues they maybe having. However I have hit a wall with it. The more I read the more toxic I realize our modern day food really is. I come up with a good diet plan and then see that the average person may have a hard time following it especially if they worked 40 hours a week. Not to mention people can't cook things at work especially without a microwave oven. I am 100% against the use of microwave ovens for reasons I am sure I will explain later.

So I am considering doing the diet in both forms (hard and easier) and leave it up to the person to decide what is best for them in their current situation. I will list the pros and cons to each part of the diet...and hopefully people will be able to do a little of both. I am pretty sure most the time I will have to take some of the easy steps in the diet because even though I am home all day long I am lazy and like convenience as I am sure others do too.

I have already bought the domain name I plan on using for the diet and I am in the process of making a page. It is really trial and error at this point. I write something then the next day rethink it and I am no longer happy with a certain topic so I scrap it and try something else. I am currently for the most part on my own diet to see how it works and how easy or hard it maybe for others to do. I am also looking at if I feel well, strong, full of energy or if I am hungry, weak or tired. I do not want to promote something that I myself can't do or feel crappy on.

I am not sure how long it is going to take for me to get all this organized but when it is done people who read this blog will be the first to know. I just know that this is not going to be some miracle cure all diet. The point of the diet is to try to get maximum nutrition into you and the least toxins possible. Also since this is a new diet there will be changes to it I am sure over time (items added and items removed). Because after all information changes all the time.

Other than that it has just been raining a lot here recently and my cat has been hiding in the closet because he does not like thunder. I hope all of you are doing well.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Myself and Other People

I often wonder what it is like to have people really care for me. I don't mean be in love with me or want sex from me but really deeply care about me as a person. I don't think I have ever had that and if I did in my past I must have pushed those people away. Why I would have pushed them away I don't know.

I find in friendships, relationships and family I play this role and that role is of the fixer. When there is a fight or disagreement I am the one who fixes it. No one has ever come to me to say they were sorry except maybe childhood friends. My mother will call if we have an argument a few days later but just talk like nothing happen. To get an apology would require me to tell her that she hurt me or that I didn't feel that what she said was nice and why but no apology is offered up on it's own. My father I can honestly say has never said he was sorry for anything...only time passes... it is never discussed...then eventually things return to normal and I am the one who forgives.

Relationships are the same for me I am the one who ends the argument. The one who says "no don't go", "we can work this out", or do what my mother does let some time pass and act like nothing has happened. I will say a fight was my fault when it is and I will always take 50% of the responsibility for a fight even when sometimes it is not 50% my fault at all.

In friendships I ignore hurt words and ignore behavior or actions that are dangerous to the person so they do not become upset with me. Most of my friendships are a one way street. They come to me with their problems and I listen. My problems are less valid and I accept it.

I really do not want to be alone and I also want to be loved so badly that I allow myself to be a doormat at times. I sometimes feel that I can't complain after all none of these people ever hit me (except one person but that relationship is over). Many times I assume it is just me.

I always wondered what it was like to have a close family. Some of my friends growing up did and I always liked being at their house. They had fun together and it was stress free. I have a sister who is 15 years older than me and lives about a mile from me but I have not seen here since 2003. Pretty much the only family I talk to are my parents.

For the most part I believe in the law of attraction so on some level I must be attracting this situation to myself. I would like to meet more people in real life but the agoraphobia prevents that a lot of times or at least makes it a longer process. If I had to pick one positive thing about having an anxiety disorder it would be that it shows other peoples true character.

Friday, July 11, 2008


Long before I ever had anxiety I seemed to have lack of energy. Though I had more energy when I was younger I tired easier than the other children. I don't know if that is because I had a lung problem since birth that was not discovered till my early 20's or not.

Some days I feel so wore out I want to just cry. For awhile I thought maybe I had chronic fatigue syndrome but I don't seem to match up with the symptom list except being wore out.

A few months before I found out about my lung I started sleeping 17 to 20 hours a day. The people I lived with insisted I was depressed as did my mother. I kept telling them I wasn't depressed I was just so tired. About 6 months before I got this pain once in awhile nothing big...but sometimes I would get this flicking feeling that only lasted a few seconds and was on my upper right back. I never felt that before and even said to my mother that maybe I should get a chest x-ray and she said "you have no health insurance and that will be expensive...there is nothing wrong with your lungs, it's just anxiety"

Well as we all know now it wasn't anxiety. I really did require that much sleep at the time. I did not even feel sick just very very tired. I use to spend the few hours I was awake going over to John's house (a friend of mine who is in a wheel chair) which lead to a fight with me and Alison who I was living with at the time. I remember her statement "You need help Brian all you do is sleep and Sousa" (Sousa is John's last name) He always laughed at that statement and repeated "sleep and Sousa" at random times years later and laughed.

I wonder at times how much of my tiredness is cause by my smoking...though I know other smokers and while they cough some are very active and most live normal lives. I honestly can't stop smoking yet and it really sucks. Sometimes I don't even feel like I am in a good enough place mentally or physically to stop right now. Though I think about quitting a lot.

I have a hard time explaining to people the level of fatigue I have. For example right now I should go to the supermarket but it is not even anxiety that is stopping me. I am tired (I slept 9 hours by the way I am happy about that and needed it for the past few days I have not slept well at all)

I can't get myself moving. I will sit here some days and not shower for two days because I am tired. Sometimes I want food from the kitchen and I don't get up for 20 minutes because I am tired. Like the anxiety some days are better and I will get energy and feel like I am alive again. Most days I feel half dead and though I want to live to be old (a goal of mine) I can't imagine another 60 years of being this tired.

As a teen I had blood work done to see if I had anemia or mononucleosis because I was so tired. Though I would give anything to have that level of fatigue again since each year it seems to get worse.

I don't even bring it up anymore to therapists or doctors because if you say "I am so tired some days I just want to cry" they say "sounds like depression" but the only reason why I felt sad in the first place was because I was so tired I feel crippled by it. Any tiredness I have is anxiety and depression according to them and I don't find that to me true esp. since I had this before those problems set in.

Things I would like to have I do not have the money for right now. I would like to walk but getting ready to go outside will drain me and some days I have I would like a tread mill...not to run on just to walk on while I watch tv. I think the decent ones are about $500 dollars. My laptop died by the way. I no longer have my own computer. Just Keith's desktop (which I used a lot for when I was on there). He does not mind that I use it because he has a laptop. My desktop died two years ago it has multiple problems.

I told my mom about the computer situation but she just said "oh" I was hoping for "maybe for xmas we can get you a laptop" but it's not my money anyway and it seems selfish to expect a replacement. She said "Well if the computers are broke why do you keep them and not throw them out?" I said "For parts when other things break" and she said "So what are you going to do keep keeping old computers and fill your house up" like I am some fucking loon..I told her she did not know what she was talking about and the subject changed.

They are in Canada now she called me from her cell phone at the duty free shop to ask what kind of cigarettes I smoked because they were $28 a carton. It was a stressful conversation because her cell was cutting in and out so bad I had to repeat things 10 times or more. I finally asked if there was just a pay phone she could call me from and she said "noooo there is no pay phone" I am sure there was but she thinks pay phones are expensive...which they aren' me anyway.

I told here from now on if she calls me to call from the hotel. She needs a new cell phone seriously when she goes to cape cod in mass. it has the same problem. I have other people call me from those areas and they sound fine. She also has this habbit of yelling into the cell phone or not holding it like a normal person so I can't understand her. I hate when she calls me from the cell phone period.

Not to mention she is losing her mind literally. She can't remember many things unless it is something she does all the time like her part time job. She can watch a movie and a week later has no idea what it was about unless you remind her a lot then it pops back in to her mind. Same with books and conversations with me. Sometimes she insists she told me something she didn't. My father is not much better though my mom is worse. She refuses to tell the doctors because she does not want to know what is wrong. She claims it is everyone her age but (and I can't say this to her) I use to hang out with and even slept with guys her age and they were a lot sharper. Her older sister died from Alzheimer's and her mother most likely had it as well.

Everyone has such interesting ideas about anxiety and different theories. Sometimes I wish hundreds of us could work together with federal funding to carry out our own experiments and trials...we might get a lot further than some companies do...we seem to be very creative people and come up with good ideas :-)

Email I Received

This is an email I received some of you may like to look into it:


This may seem like a bizarre question: have you had any bad sinus/ear infections before--or any really significant upper-respiratory problems? Also, any head trauma or concussions or even been in any car accidents?

I think I might now know what the cause of my anxiety and panic attacks. I wanted to make a video about it, but I can just see getting some backlash from some people.

I'll probably write a longer email later or even make a private video about what I've discovered (purely by accident), how it flipped my beliefs upside down, and has actually provided me with A LOT of relief--I can actually go grocery shopping again! :D

Take care"


My Reply,

Yes. In fact I had a lung issue so bad they removed part of my right lung in aug. 2000

I had lots of ear infections as a kid. I also get sore throats a lot.

Hope that helps you :)


His Response:

"I tried to make a video but am having trouble piecing the video sections together :S. Ah well, I'll probably write up a detailed email later.

I had lots of ear infections as a kid too--and apparently so have many other people with mental illness.

What I was really getting at is you should check out the book (NOT another shitty self-help book) "Phobia Free" by Dr. Harold Levinson. My copy is still in the mail, however, from what I've gone through personally, it lead me to that book and his research--and seems to be worth checking out.

I lost all my bookmarks regarding his work and REAL people writing about their successes (not those phony testimonials you see on self-help book sites). If you do some digging (a lot of digging actually) and cross-reference some searches about anxiety/panic with inner-ear/meniere's etc, you should be able to come up with some great finds!

Just taking Claritin Allergy and Sinus has made a HUGE difference for me--sounds bizarre, I know!

I'm going to try to get around to reading your blog articles soon--I've quickly skimmed a few already... I totally know what you mean about the whole poisoned food thing. I never really understood it until now!"

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Email From YouTube 4

This is an email from youtube:

"Hi, my name is (removed), I am 37 and live in England.

Just watched your vids, you describe agoraphobia very well. I have been with this 'thing' for 6 years now, although I did have it about 15 years ago too, and it lasted about two years.

I think diet contributes to this thing, my doctor is rubbish, will not really listen, and told me its all in my head and that I can control it.
What a load of tosh! I don't really enjoy feeling like this , and I hate the four walls that have become a prison. I do go out sometimes, and its almost always horrendous, I was once given Diazepam 2mg, they did help, but when I went back to get more they would not give it to me as its addictive.

I have just given up alcohol as I felt although I didn't drink in the day I would almost self medicate in the evening. Just to be able to relax is great!
but it doesn't help the anxiety. anyway I droning on now,
it would be great to hear from you.


My Reply,

I know that feeling of being in a prison. Some days are better than others for me. I have a few days where I am O.K. enough to go to the supermarket and buy my own food then an other day I am sending my bf or parents for me.

Doctors I have seen do not get the full scope of how bad it is. I think it is because I look normal to them. I am not throwing up from anxiety in their office and they take my blood pressure and note that my heart rate is high and to relax. I hate that word "relax". That is what I am trying to do. If I wasn't trying to relax it would be so much worse.

Most of my day is spent trying to "control" my thoughts and looking at things differently. I push myself all the time as much as I can and grow tried of when people say "you have to push yourself". They really have no idea what they are talking about. I push myself more than they do :-)

I had Valium before as well 5mg. I think that is what sent me into a depression when I was living in FL. so I am sort of scared off that pill for now. I do have Xanax but get some strange side effects from it they can't explain. More importantly they can't tell me if the side effects I am having are dangerous or not. But I do keep them just in case because they did help. Even though I was on a low does coming off was not easy (even with tapering off). I ended up with more anxiety for a few weeks after I stopped and racing thoughts...more obsessive thinking which I do not have a problem with least at that level.

I see therapists sometimes as well. I think the problem is they really don't get it. They read about it but reading is far different from experiencing it. Also you are with them for an hour then you see them the following week. They do not see your life. I reminded a therapist once that when I leave and they are going about their life I still have agoraphobia.

Email From YouTube 3

This is an email from youtube:

"Hello, I just wanted to comment on your videos. I think that it is very brave for you to be open about your condition. I have a ton of second hand experience with it because my husband has agoraphobia and has been affected by it for the past 6 years. It peeked out when our second child was born. I was in the delivery room and he just took off out of the hospital and sought sanctuary in the car. I didn't get an explanation from him but rather his Mother as that is who he called to drive him home. I was confused and demanded answers for what the hell had happened. I have since had several doctors and mental health experts explain the condition to me. It has been hell on our marriage but we have worked it out when things get rough. It's hard to live with the condition when you are the one that is affected and it's hard for a significant other to deal with also. My husband is so bad that he can't handle me leaving him alone at all! Stressful to say the least but understandable if you are the one that has the condition. My pet peeve is that our friends and family say that he should just suck it up and deal with i? Hmmmm. How do you just suck it up and deal with it? If people could I am certain that they would, no person with the condition can say that they honestly enjoy it or that it benefits them in anyway. I hope that someday doctors stop passing antidepressants out like candy and focus on a real solution to such an awful condition. I wish you the best with your personal condition and have subscribed to your channel to watch your journey. Hugs"


My Reply,

Thank you for writing. I agree that it is very stressful on people who care for us. I know my bf suffers along with me. I am unable to comfortably go out to eat with him or to the movies. In fact he is from FL and the only reason why we are living in NY now is because this is where I am from. Two years into our relationship I had a very bad depression and just wanted to go home. He came with me. He has also watched me nearly drink myself to death trying to self medicate the anxiety. I am sure he is pleased that I no longer drink.

He watches the hell I go threw as well and just as baffled and angry about how I am treated by the medical community and the government agencies.

Before I go to the dentist for example he knows I am up most the night because I can't sleep from anxiety and he knows the next morning when I throw up before I go then quickly brush my teeth again and try to pull myself together.

He sees it all as I am sure you do. I don't know if your husband has the fear (I know I do) that you will leave him. I fear people I love the most leaving me because of my condition. After all he could find someone who could do all the things he wanted and with ease so why does he hang around with me? I assume he likes me for some reason hehe.

Email From YouTube 2

This is an email from youtube:

"Five years ago after Drinking Heavily for 10 Years,I stopped alcohol cold turkey(Not Recommended.)I went thru such bad withdrawal my Body and internal organs almost shut down completely,as my Emergencey room Doctor told me later after I almost Died.....Anyway to the point why im writing you...Ever since I quit the alcohol (My Coping Drug.)...Five years ago I have had Panic Attacks and Agoraphobia symptoms almost every other day..I mean before my accident i had never had any anxiety or anxious symptoms in my life..So i trully believe that I damaged my internal organs,and according to my doctor I stressed my kidneys...Just to find out later that everyones Adrenal Glands is located attached to both of our kidneys..So by damaging my Kidneys thru Boozing ,I also Damaged my Stress Copping ADRENAL Gland...Without your adrenal glands everyday stress can kill you,even minor stress like going to get your hair cut can put you thru the mill. ...I have educated myself alot thru these years and the only relief I have had with any of these Panic symptoms was to eat basically nothing but PROTEIN,,Basically following the Atkins Diet...I found out that All CARBOHYDRATES Stress the Adrenal Glands and put them In a High Stress Fight or Flight Mode...Believe me I Know what you are Feeling.I have tried Zoloft,paxil,Xanax,Online Help.Nothing Worked except High Protein.Please Try.."


My Reply,

I was drinking for years to cope with the anxiety I was feeling. I did however have all the same problems I have now before I ever drank. I will look into a high protein diet from what I read in the past high protein can also harm the kidneys. There is a diet I am working on and considering starting a new blog only for that diet. I have not decided if I will do the blog or just write a book. I go through bouts of laziness and really have to start pushing myself because I have so much to say but very little motivation at times.

I don't think the diet I am working on will cure everyone but it will definitely get a lot of the toxins out of our lives. The food at the store is basically poison. The way we tend to prepare the food makes it even worse. The downside to writing a book is that my grammar is awful and my spelling is just as bad. I don't even know where to begin if I decided to write one.

I am glad you have found help by a high protein diet and that you are no longer drinking. I stopped when I finally fainted and hit my head in the bathroom then ended up in the ER. My bf was not pleased and pretty freaked out that I was completely white with blue lips for about a minute or two. Plus I have a phobia of fainting.

What was worse is I could not afford detox and being agoraphobic really couldn't stay there anyway so even after all that drama I had to tapper off on my own. I was scared to just stop with no benzo's and did not want to have a seizure or worse. But I got myself off thank God.

I now have a phobia of alcohol...I think the only positive phobia I have ever developed.

Email From YouTube 1

This is an email from youtube:

"Hi there, my name is (removed) from the Uk, my 16 year old son is called (removed), he has recently developed symptoms of Agoraphobia and has also started developing OCD's like carrying a bottle of water with him everywhere he goes, because he gets "dry mouth".

I must applaud you for your dedication for self help, I too have suffered with GAD for many years, again onset at 16 years old, exact same age as my son, i am now 47, I remember my first PA when i was out in the car, I couldn't breathe, it was terrifying.

I have also been researching into Anxiety and Depression and the Orthomolecular Approach to cure, I have found a common link with Agoraphobics, GAD, PA, ADHD etc, and that is Zinc Deficiency - do you have white spots on your fingernails? and were they worst at the onset of your first attack, was your fist attack around the time of your last year at high school, (period of major stress in adolescence) this is when teenagers go through a growth spurt depleting their Zinc reserves and also people with GAD urinate Zinc when under stress, this causes major Neurological problems, these people also are deficient in B6 (Pyridoxine) my son and myself we recently tested for PYROLURIA, my son has every symptom but the test came back negative but he we were also tested for BLOOD HISTAMINE which was LOW (possibly HISTADENIA) which is corrected by NIACIN Vitamin B3 and Folic Acid.

I am trying a diet with no Dairy and no Wheat and up to now no signs of Adrenaline rush, interestingly I have stopped feeling that tightness in my throat whilst on this diet, it is mainly fruit ,veg complex Carbohydrates and about 15% protein, mainly chicken, I am also taking:

Omega 3-6-9 for Neurotransmitter improvement / hormones
Niacin B3 - raises Histamine levels - (deficient in Schizo-affective Bio-types)
B Complex
B6 - Pyridoxine HCl
Vit C
Zinc - 15 mg (best to take PICOLINATE) do not exceed dose!
Magnesium - (for depression)

also about 2-3 liters of water a day - I find i am dehydrated a lot (urine changes colour) about 2.5 liters a day makes it clear, lot of theory about water and GAD!

also breathing, shallow breaths mean inbalance of blood gases - low oxygen - high CO2 high Lactic Acid (Anaurobic Respiration)

Check if you have:

White Spots on fingernails (Luekonychia Punctuate)
Stretch Marks on top inner thigh
Sensitive to sunlight / sneezes
pale skin - easy sunburn

these are indications of Zinc Deficiency - checkout PYROLURIA it is worth eliminating as a possible cause - also BLOOD HISTAMINE (Histapenia or Hisatdelia) also COPPER TOXICITY - low Zinc equals high copper - high copper means Nuero overload - also have you had a full FOOD INTOLERANCE TEST - that is my next elimination with my son along with a COPPER TOXICITY test, I will let you know the results.

If you send me your email I can send you more information, the more people share their trials and tests the quicker we can all find a cure!

It will get better over time I promise you, steer clear of Alcohol and Cigarettes, once the physical symptoms are under control your mental health will improve and you will gain more confidence, also do you drive, most agoraphobics find that by driving their own car allows them to get out - they are able to control where and when they go - I know it may be difficult right now to achieve this but make this a SINGULAR GOAL - once you are driving your own car you will gain more and more confidence.

also do you have close relatives with GAD, PD, Agoraphobia, ADHD etc, it tends to run in families therefore it is a genetic predisposition and it is definitely not as a result of BAD PARENTING, I have qualifications in Psychology and I know all the theories of OPERANT and CLASICSAL CONDITIONING and none of them are the Etiology of your Illness so dont let any PSYCHIATRIST try and bullshit you, it is a PHYSICAL ILLNESS!!!!!! that affects the balance of your Neurotransmitters and your nervous system.

out of interest have you looked at the MEDULLA OBLONGATA as a possible problem area - do you suffer with respiratory problems, sleep apnea etc the Medulla Oblongata controls the Autonomic Nervous System regulating breathing and pulse, who knows?

my email is


please feel free to email me anytime and I will provide any information I can, anything to find a cure to this illness, don't forget checkout ZINC deficiency and look out for those white spots on your fingernails!!!!!! - i'm sure the answer lies somewhere with ZINC!!

2 good books:

nutrition and mental health - carl pfeiffer - isbn - 0-89281-226-5
depression free naturally - joan mathews - isbn 0-345-43517-6

see you later"


My Reply,

The real hardcore panic attacks did not start till I was in 9th grade my freshmen year in high school about age 15. At that time I did have the white spots under my nails and had read back then that it could be zinc deficiency. I no longer have the white dots under my nails and have not for sometime.

I did get stretch marks on my upper inner thigh about age 24. I assumed that was from rapid weight gain while I was on paxil.

I go pale a lot.

I have not had a full food intolerance test because I am scared to death of having my blood taken and I don't like needles. I also have no health insurance. However I have found FDA approved home test kits that you can do yourself then overnight to a lab to have the test run. The reason I have not done that is because they are about $200-$400 dollars depending on the test and the one I want to do tests 90 different foods not only allergy but also intolerance.

I have not drank alcohol since Nov. 2007 and still working on the cigarettes...I can't believe how hard it is for me to quit them...pure evil.

Both my mother's and father's parents suffered from anxiety/depression and addiction issues. My mother has anxiety but she doesn't think she me she does. My father has some issues but I don't know what I would label them.... maybe hording.

I had part of my right lung removed in Aug 2000 so yea I had and sure I still have some breathing problems. I had sleep apnea before I had lung surgery as far as I know that has stopped since the surgery. I do snore or so my bf tells me.

I also agree with the dairy and gluten connection in some people.

I do drive and have no problem with it. In fact I have issues with being in the car when I am not the driver.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I Am Just Waiting

I went to the post office this morning and mailed the $20 off to Cambodia. The person at the post office said it should take five days to get there. How long it takes to get to him after it arrives I don't know. He is going to email me when he gets it or just tell me online since we are chatting everyday.

Before I went to the post office I addressed the next letter to him which he does not know about yet and put $10 in it for him. I am waiting to see how long it takes him to get the letter I sent out this morning then when he does I will mail the next.

I would like to start doing one positive thing to help someone everyday. I am unsure how I am going to go about doing that but for starters we have some clothes we don't wear anymore and I could clean them up and put them in a bin by a church about a mile from here that takes clothes donations.

Several years ago I mailed our old clothes to Kenya in Africa. That was expensive to ship. $80 and that was the cheapest way to send it (by ship). It took half a year to get to the church I mailed it to in Kenya. I mailed another box of clothes to a different country in Africa soon after I sent the one to Kenya but I never heard from that place. I do not know if it ever arrived.

I got on this kick of helping people when I was living in FL. That is when I mailed the boxes of clothes to Africa. Sure I could have just dropped them off at the Salvation Army or Goodwill but where was the fun in that. Some how knowing my clothes were on a ship heading for Africa was a lot more exciting.

While in FL I also went to and ordered food and had it shipped to a food pantry in Colorado. I also order two vacuum cleaners and had them shipped to a safe haven for boys in Alaska. I had a job back then so it seemed more fun then buying a new cell phone. Oh and one of my favorite things I sent was to an orphanage in Mississippi. I mailed them a DVD player. I ordered it off and had it shipped directly there. They sent me a letter thanking me and said they were hoping to get a DVD player for one of there classrooms and now they had one. That was cool.

Many times I feel like I have no purpose in life or just not sure what I am really supose to be doing so I just do random acts of kindness till I figure it out. Or maybe that is what I am suppose to be doing. Who knows.

Keith got our cat Timo a new toy yesterday filled with catnip so the cat is happy. Timo was rolling around the floor last night acting like a kitten.

Today I am just sitting here watching videos on youtube about Near Death Experiences both good and bad. On and off I am having worries about having a Tetanus shot this fall. I try to keep myself busy but my mind always seems to pop in and disturb me. I am use to it I mean it has been going on for at least 17 years...maybe my whole life I am not sure.

Sometimes therapists ask me why dying scares me. It is really because I don't feel done yet. I feel sometimes like I am waiting for something. That something being whatever it is I am suppose to be doing with my life...only I have no clue what that is yet.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

New Food Diet

I am in the process of changing my diet. First I am finishing up all the old food I have because I do not want to waste it. I also want to get my body use to the new diet. So as I get closer to running out of the old food I will be slowly replacing it with the new diet I will be trying.

I find it odd when I go to the supermarket how they store its filled with garbage being passed off as food. TV dinners, fruit rollups, captain crunch cereal, soups filled with msg, instant this and instant that. The last time I was there I saw hard boiled eggs in a bag filled with preservatives so we would not have to be bothered with boiling our own eggs. This is not food.

I do not have a lot of money to spend on food as it is and with the rising costs of gas and food people should be more picky now on what they buy. Families that are struggling are still coming out of the stores with cheetos, candy bars and a ton of garbage they can not afford. I think as Americans we do not want to change our eating habits. We feel that we deserve things and we believe we are special. Life here is changing and people for the time being will have to get use to it. Especially people who do not have a lot of money right now.

Health wise the foods I listed above are not good for you anyway. With cancer and heart disease being the number one and two killer in this country it is time to rethink what we put into our bodies.

My plan for now is to go back to basics and see how I feel. This will included teas, meat, milk, fruits, vegetables, grains but not bread or cereal products...grains as in whole wheat pasta, oats, rice, corn. I would eat eggs but I think they make me sick when I eat them so I am staying clear of them for now.

Overall this should save me money and be better for my health.

Friday, July 4, 2008


Sometimes people have so many issues that we get lost in them. I know at times that is true for myself. I find my worries and bad health sometimes consumes me so much so that I will lay in bed at night and cry for a few seconds before drifting off to sleep. Some mornings I wake up with this overwhelming feeling and just look at the wall while I adjust to the idea that I am still in this world. Not that I want to die don't mistake it for that but more of a feeling of what am I going to do and how will I handle my mind and other problems. At times I feel very overwhelmed by the state of the world. I can feel the lack of caring and selfishness that is generated by us all. It eats at my soul.

I have been talking on skype to a boy that lives in Cambodia. He does not speak English well so at times it is hard to understand what he is saying. He has a job and makes more than the average person there per month. From what I was reading police make about $25 a month and teachers about $20 a month. This boy makes a little over $100 dollars a month. His room that he lives in is $40 a month and his food is $60 a month. That does not leave very much extra money for himself. When he does have some spare money he talks online from an internet cafe near by his job. From what I understand he can use the computer for about 15 cents an hour. Compared to the average person in Cambodia he is doing well. By North American and European standards not so well.

This morning I was talking to him and while I was trying to understand his broken English I was looking at pictures of his city on google images. And Reading about where he was from and then decided I was going to mail him money. He has never asked me for a dime and when I offered he became confused. He was not sure what I meant and asked me why I wanted to help him. I said "people help me I should help you".

Trying to get his address was not easy because he does not completely understand what I am saying to him and several times gave me his email address. (They don't have paypal I asked). I think he was concerned about why I wanted to help him more than anything. People worldwide have a hard time taking help or a gift with no strings attached directly from another person. He informed me that the only address he has was the address of where he worked. I asked if he could get mail for himself there and he said yes. I am not sure but I think maybe he lives at where he works.

So he gave me his address and I told him I would send him $20 cash in an envelope next week. I gave him my email address so he can email me when he gets it (if he gets it. I have some concerns that his employer might open his mail and take it). If he does get the money I might send $20 a month for awhile. He was happy about getting the $20 "if it true" as he put it. What shocked me more was that he had no plans after I offered to send him the money to use it on himself. He said if it is true he is happy because he will give it to his sister so she can get medicine. She has been sick for 10 years with an issue I will not get into here since I feel it is a private matter.

He wanted to know if I wanted to be paid back. I told him no it was a gift and the only thing I wanted was when he was able to help someone someday to pay them back what I gave to him.

Well I already addressed the letter to him and put the $20 in it. I went to the post office website and it will cost about $1.60 for me to mail it to him first class so not a big deal. We will see how it goes. Hopefully he will get it.

Below is two pictures of the city he lives in outside of the tourist sections.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Why I Don't Hang Out With People

There are reasons why I don't hang out with people. A lot of times I just don't feel very well. Outside of anxiety I am very wore out. Many days I walk around in a state of fatigue. I have random dizzy spells, feel like I have not slept, sometimes my heart is pounding or skipping, and in general just feel ill. Many times people in general, family, doctors assume this is because of my anxiety. But I do not live in a constant state of high anxiety. Even when my life is calm for several months at a time and I am "happy" I still continue to have these issues.

It is assumed it is because I don't do enough activities. When I had a job and would hang out with friends the symptoms were there and worse because I was using more energy that I did not have.

I would have anxiety at work and combined with the extreme fatigue it became unbearable. I am surprised some days I did not just collapse.

At my last job I would stand at work checking people in and out of the motel I was working at. I would smile at them and answer all their questions. To the outside world I would look fine. But here is what really was happening. My vision was going in and out as my heart fluttered, all I wanted to do was go to sleep because I was so tired, I would get cramps and since the bathroom was right in the office area I would block myself a room at the motel. I would just take it out of service and say it was out of order. When I couldn't take the pain from the cramps any longer I would go to that room and go to the bathroom. Other times I would go to that room and throw up. Usually if my heart is skipping bad enough when I vomit it stops.

Before I get all the e-mails telling me to have my heart checked I have. Since I was 16 years old I have had stress tests, EKG's, echo's, holter monitors both 24 hour and 48 hour. Nothing ever shows up. My heart has never skipped while I have been having any test done. And since I have anxiety frankly I am blown off.

When I am working and living a normal life I am told by people, family and doctors that I am doing too much and that is why I am wore out. Well I know many people who do way more than me and they are not wore out. Also which is it? Am I doing too much or too little? Depending on what I am doing that is the excuse that is given to me as to why this is happening. "It is muggy out, too hot, too cold, because I smoke, because I slept too little, because I slept too long, I didn't sleep the right hours, didn't eat the right foods" I am no idiot no one lives a perfect life and they generally do not feel like me.

O.K. now the other reason I don't hang out with people. Most gay men want sex all the time and because of my checkered past and activities I do online they assume I want sex as well. Most gay men do not respect if you have a boyfriend and assume you will sleep around. If you go to they want to know if you are "lookin", Sign on Skype and they want cam sex, same with yahoo chat. In person gay men want sex, they talk about how hot it would be to blow me, fuck me, me fuck them, eat my cum, swallow their load. What they don't know is there are very few people in this world I would have sex with. In fact sex for the most part now grosses me out. The last thing I want is some strangers dick in my mouth so I can get gonorrhea in my throat or some other STD. Most gay men (or people in general) don't even know you can get STDs from oral sex.

As for other people. Most are complete idiots and trust me you have way more fun hanging out with me than I do hanging out with you. When I am with you I can't talk about anything serious or in dept because your don't read any books...ever. Your life is wrapped up in what so and so said, some tv show, why you are in a fight with your neighbor, landlord, boss, coworker. The truth of the matter is I don't care. It is beyond boring for me to listen to you. You can't even begin to relate to my life and worse you don't want to. You choose (even if you don't realize it) to remain an idiot. Many of the people I have hung out with can't even name the vice president and have no general knowledge of science, health or current events. Unless they just heard it come out of the TV set, then they will repeat that, never questioning if it is correct information or not.

For so long I pretended to like most of you, dumbed myself down for you, made you laugh while most of the time I was cringing inside. I pulled this off by drinking a lot of alcohol. When I was drunk you all seemed more fun. Then the drug would wear off and reality set in that I was with a bunch of boobs. I know there must be other people near by that are like me. I have found a few online that are very cool but so far away. Not everyone can be this stupid. I long for the day that I have friends in real life that challenge my mind and make me feel like the dumb one.

As for the people who may be reading this and thinking I am talking about them. I might be but don't get all in a huff because I also might not be talking about you. Some people in my life are better than others and by no means is this about everyone of them. Don't ask me though if I am referring to you because I will say no even if I am.

My Dirty Apartment

I have no idea what is wrong with me when it comes to cleaning. My apartment is never clean. Keith and I both complain that it is dirty and then start to clean it only to have it go right back to the way it was. We use plastic forks and spoons and paper plates because we threw out our dishes once they became dirty and we did not clean them for weeks. The only real dishes we have are coffee mugs and they sit in the sink and have been there for about 3 weeks now. I don't drink coffee but when he runs out of mugs he switches to the plastic cups. Till one day in the distant future the mugs get cleaned.

We seem to produce a large amount of trash. Three 40 gallon trash bags a week. I think I have vacuumed this apartment once since we moved in here and we have lived here over two years. I would vacuum more but there are paper plates and clothes on the floor and his mail in a pile. Forget about us mopping the floors that has happened only a few times and the inside of our toilet bowl is stained yellow no matter how much bleach we pour in.

We have this George Foreman grill and the little plastic tray that collects the grease is filled and is solid. It has been that way for several months now. Dust just piles up and we have a cat so fur balls are in the corner of the apartment. Everything is disorganized. I think my apartment actually reflects my state of mind...chaos.

Now don't get me wrong this apartment does not look like the people you see on talk shows filled to the ceiling with trash but it is dirty. Dirty enough that I would not have people nor my parents come over here. This apartment is larger than our last one. Our last apartment in Florida was a one bedroom and while it was not the cleanest it was nothing compared to this. It was also a lot smaller and easier to clean. I feel over whelmed by the size of this place sometimes and the lack of kitchen space.

We have a few spiders that live in the bathroom that I don't kill. They don't bother me and just chill in the corner of the ceiling. Someone told me a long time ago, I think it was my mother, that spiders are good luck and it is bad luck to kill them plus if an insect comes in your house they will eat it.

My days are really messed up. I wake up and I walk to the living room and sit with Keith till he gets ready for work then he leaves. I then go to the computer room (second bedroom) and stay online all day long till Keith gets home. Then I watch TV with him and go to bed. I then repeat this every day, dreaming of the day I change or things change. Oh and I read books when I get bored of the internet or on weekends when Keith is off.

I remember in my early twenties when I use to be able to pull it together and pretend nothing was wrong. Now I don't even try. Chaos on the inside and chaos on the outside. Sometimes I wish I could be an infant again and someone could come along and pick me up out of this mess I have created and start over. Some where along the line I got off track. I really don't know how to get back on track or even know for that matter if I even want to be on the same track that 90% of the world is on.