Thursday, August 27, 2009

WiccaMelissa Gives Me A Shout Out

Her Youtube link

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

AC Unit drama Update

At 5am this morning I woke up to my carpet still being wet. It was worse than I realized. When I moved the carpet there was a giant puddle under it.

So at 5am this morning I took apart my bed, and had to move the two computer desks, the large a/c unit and all the rest of my stuff out of my bedroom.

I then dragged a soaking wet heavy carpet and liner to the curb. My father came over and took it off the curb, since I couldn't just leave it there.

I was not ready for that much exercise and on lack of food it made the whole event worse. It took me 3 hours to empty the room and then put it back together. My heart was going so fast. It is now back down to 120. Hopefully it will return to normal soon. I get worried when I am that out of breath and it beating into the 160-180's that I am going to have a heart attack. Every time I stood up I felt light headed and kept drinking gatorade.

I asked my neighbor downstairs if her ceiling was OK. She was walking to the bus stop. She said she didn't notice anything, but would check when she got home. I really hope she doesn't get any brown spots on her ceiling.

I now have no carpet in my bedroom, just the old wooden floor that has been here since the 1940's.

If there is a devil, he really has it in for me this year.

On a positive note..the bedroom looks pretty decent without the carpet and at least now I can just sweep the floor.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

AC Unit drama

As if I don't have enough to deal with my a/c unit in my bedroom must have been leaking water all day. I noticed when I stepped on my carpet and my socks got wet. So I turned it off and unplugged it. I really hope it drys up fast. I also am concerned that it has leaked through the floor and into the ceiling of the woman who lives below me. I am right above her bedroom and if her ceiling starts to turn brown or worse drip, then she will be calling the landlord. I really do not want to have to deal with that so I really hope it was mostly soaked up by my carpet. What worries me is it is such a large area. The carpet is wet/damp from one wall to the other.

Now I have no a/c in my bedroom and being on the second floor it gets warm in here. Looks like I will be sleeping on my couch till the temps drop. Thankfully it is almost Sept. and it will be cooling off soon.

I really hope the apartment complex people don't show up here. My apartment is not the cleanest right now. I am feeling better than I had been, but not good enough to keep up after this place. I really don't feel like being kicked I really really hope this crap just drys. I opened the window in there and turned a fan on in hopes it will dry it faster.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

So far still simi decent

OK so the deal is I am still eating very messed up. Not as much as I should, but not as little as I was. My resting heart rate is at its old pace most of the time now, still not that great standing, though sometimes it is more decent than other times. When I take a shower it still goes pretty high and mild exercise still gets me into the 170s which is way above my target heart rate...though just standing I am in my target heart rate.

I am crying less, though I am still doing it. I have waves of illness come over me for hours on end, though I had that before xanax, only more intense now it seems. The color of my stool is way off again, just yellow, no more brown, but I am still on Prevacid and now have gone from 2 pills a day to 1. The color has fluctuated on and off since March. The form has not been normal at all since I stopped xanax. Less cramping now however. (Sorry for the details).

My hands still turn purple at my sides, though not as drastic now, however it seems to have moved to my right foot.

Mentally I do not feel very balanced at all still, but much better than I was. For example, I drove my car the other night to a supermarket parking lot, had my xbf/bf come over and even had a visitor for a short time stop over briefly. This would all have been impossible Feb-June. It wasn't till April that I could even stand to be chatting online. Back then I kept having to cancel my cardiologist appointment because I would lay in bed shivering so bad, yet I was not even cold. I could not function. At that time I didn't even feel human....subhuman is even to kind of a word for it.

I have these moments where I feel like my body is back the way it was months ago and that usually makes me cry, but unlike back then it seems to lift now.

I almost made the mistake of going on an antidepressant last month because sometimes it all feels like to much to deal with. When everyone thinks you are crazy and you are the only one who thinks you're not, when everyone tells you the meds didn't do this, and you are the only one who believes they did, you start to doubt your own sanity.

I am glad I didn't take anything else. I have bad anxiety yes. I have for many years and I assume I will continue to, but that is something I will have to address should I someday get completely well from the nightmare I have gone through. I say nightmare a lot and most people might read that as a bad experience. I want to be clear, imagine your worst nightmare, only you just never wake up..hold that thought and that is what I have lived in so far for 2009...a very long, bad trip...which has not ended, nor do I know if it will come back full force at this time.

My fear is it will come back. I know this comes in waves with "window periods" of feeling well. I just hope I am closer to the end of it.

I have decided to make a DVD or several DVDs of my experience with coming off this med, the horrible treatment I got from doctors and the complete hell I went through. I am going to leave the DVD in public domain so people can copy it as much as they want and/or sell it. My hope in doing that is so that this message will get out to more people. No one should ever have to experience what I have and still do. Also the tens of thousands, if not more who have suffered on countless other drugs, something is seriously messed up when people are suffering from the treatment and no one is doing a damn thing about it. Just go to google and type in "damaged by medication" or "ssri horror stories" you will find people in pain, desperate and suffering. All with a similar theme as mine, doctor denial, yelling doctors and just sick and lost.

I have complete lack of trust in doctors now, something I will have to work on. My only hope is my body can repair and damage that this has caused and I just don't drop dead...because sometimes that is exactly what it feels like.

For the record, my mother is on chemo, she is having some health issues from it, she told her doctor and this is the reply..."hmmm, I never heard that before, I don't think its from the chemo...why don't you take Ativan for your nerves." And she own mother saw what these pills did to me, though she doesn't believe it, so she pops the benzos.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Life Continues

I finished taking all the antibiotics for the H. Pylori on Aug. 3rd. Up till that point there had really been no difference in me, other than the fact I seemed to get more depressed on all those pills. However the Prevpac lists depression as a possible side effect.

I hardly ate the entire time on the pills and got very weak. My heart rate stayed high. The day after I finished all my pills, I felt awful, but I just wanted to go home to my apartment. I had not stayed there since April. As much as it bothers be to be alone right now, I just needed time away from my parents.

The day I got to my apartment I was so weak. It was the first time I drove my car since Feb 22nd. It was a bit unnerving for me, so thankfully I only had to drive a mile. I parked out front, because to be honest I didn't feel strong enough to walk from the parking lot.

So I returned to my apartment Aug. 4th. With an even higher heart rate than normal. 120 resting and 160 standing. I was disappointed, wore out and so I cried for awhile alone in my apartment. The heart rate stayed high till 5am the following morning. Then it went down to the 80s..then 70s.

Aug. 5th my heart rate was completely old normal before any of this happened to me. It was also normal today. I don't know if it will last, but I am thankful for it and almost to scared to feel happy, because I don't want to be upset if it goes back up again. Though if it does I know I will be.

The past two days I was able to eat as well. Today I even ordered a pizza and bread sticks of all things. I have consumed about 2000 calories today. For the past 6 months I am lucky if I even got 1000 a day, many days it was a struggle to get 500. Again I am happy about that, but sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess after 6 months of intense illness you lose hope and become shell shocked.

I guess if something bad starts up again, I should be thankful for the past few days of feeling almost like my old self. It was nice to feel me again..almost me...but close enough.

I was able to finally exercise today. I suddenly had energy to spend so I walked on and off my treadmill for an hour total and after each time my heart would go to fact after exercise today my heart rate was lower than when I usually stand up.

I have this fear of fainting again since I did a few months back in my apartment. I think about it often actually and it is a problem I need to some how someday work out for myself.

Looks like me an my xbf will be getting back together or at least trying too. It will however be an open relationship, for now anyway. He is going to keep his apartment since he just signed a lease. Then if all goes well between us move back in next year.

The open relationship will be hard for me because to be honest I am a jealous person, but at the same time I have been so alone and have missed him terribly. We have been talking on the phone more often and that has been nice. He is coming to see me this Saturday.

I really need him in my life right now, esp. with my mom being sick from cancer and my father being no help emotionally to me. There really is no one else and my xbf knows me so well. So hope the best for us because I really need someone right now.

My mom had chemo this week and is sick, but seems ok so far, better than normal. I know she will see her doctor soon for a PET scan to recheck her liver to see if the chemo is helping and to decide when they will want to do surgery.

I find people ask me often if I am OK and I say yes. Deep down I am not ok at all, I think I just say OK and fine, because its just what you say...but to be honest what I have gone through and continue to go through I can't ever see feeling OK again. Maybe in time that will change. I know my view of everything has changed. It is like someone took the world I knew, shook it all away, completely removed any sugar coated ideas I had left of life and left me naked shivering in the cold, while everyone else is still blissfully unaware of what I now have come to understand. Thankfully I am sure there are others like me that someday I might meet and be able to relate. I think the scary part is I am now left afraid to be happy and left with the horror that everything I have gone through could be way worse. It can always be worse. Life has become sorta nightmare like for me, right now the nightmare seems at low power, but any minute the monster could return...keeps me on edge.

I have a lot of worries about cancer now that I didn't have before. Seeing all of it first hand...well I can't even begin to tell you what having cancer means unless you have watched it or had it...I also know I lack the will and the strength to go through it. All I can do is hope and wait that it never arrives for me.

I like to exercise, it makes me feel like I am actually trying to do something to help myself, but I must admit scares me. I am worried I will have some heart event while doing it or that I will pass out. I will continue to do it anyway. It needs to be done...not doing it in the end is worse.