Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Drift

The Drift is something that should be used with caution, as it can drive some people to insanity. It has been used over the centuries, mainly in pagan circles. Like the brainwashing techniques I spoke of in an earlier post, it is always important to know it is self imposed, you can stop at any point, though sometimes that may seem hard to do. This is not something you should play with lightly.

The Drift can be simple or complex, but always a journey. It is up to the user. It is best not to go looking for a point or have a goal in mind, that is why is it called The Drift. You are simply drifting, as if lost at sea in a raft. You have no idea where you are going, but you are traveling some place, where you don't know.

The Drift is used to bring yourself closer to universal knowledge or at least let the universe guide you in a direction, so it can whisper a secret to you. Usually the secret is something you always suspected deep down as a child or if not a secret it will guide you to a person or place. Usually a place you need to be or a person you need to meet.

The complex example of The Drift would be the following:

You are walking down the street and you see a pair of old shoes next to the trash that someone has thrown away. They happen to be your size. You then take off your shoes and put on that pair (A gift from the Universe to you), leaving your shoes in their place. You then walk down the street and see a News clipping blowing on the ground and in bold print you spot the word "Boston". You take yourself to the bus station, airport, train station, or your car, whatever, and travel to Boston. When you step out in the city you see a sign on a store that says "50% of all books.". You enter the store and walk around waiting for a sign and you notice a small child misbehaving, placing some books on the floor. You go over to the books, pick one up and buy it. You can keep going at that point or stop. Had you not seen that random News clipping that was only litter blowing around, you would not have seen the word "Boston", you would not be in that city, in that book store, now in possession of that book you just bought.

Example of the simple Drift: (Which for most is more favorable)

You go to YouTube and watch a video, when it ends it suggests the next video to watch. Pick the first choice offered and keep doing so video after video. When a choice comes up that you have already seen, choose the second choice. Go on and on. Each video is linked to the next. Anything learned is all a result of the first video you watched. Each video with its own unique message and teaching. Some bore you, some don't, on and on you go. You would be surprised how much you can learn in one day or how weeks or months later a topic will arise that you are only informed about because you Drifted.

The caution again is to remember you are in control. You can stop whenever you want. People with major OCD should not take part in The Drift. The Drift has features to it which are almost like schizophrenia. In some people who are schizophrenic, seemingly ordinary objects or information can hold deep meaning to them. To them it can be a sign meant only for them. This is why The Drift should be entered cautiously.

In my last post I said I would continue to post a list of what I have watched since my last blog update. I have continued the self brainwashing with horror films and added in The Drift. Each movie leading to the next. I am using the IMDB site. After I watch each film I go to the site's listing for that film and from that page it lists four other movies I might like. I then watch one of those suggestions and do the same after that movie... following the next suggestion.

Dead Silence --

Forget Me Not --

Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell --

Graphic Sexual Horror --

Deadly Friend --

An American Haunting --

Jesus in India --

Knight and Day --

House of Numbers --

Twilight --

The House of the Devil --

Night of the Comet --

The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia --

Lorenzo's Oil --

The Madness of King George --

The Last House on the Left (1972) --

The Gift (2003) --

Paris Is Burning --

Needle --

Brothers (2009) --

The Graves (2009) --

Salt (2010) --

Gonzo (2008) --

Friday, December 24, 2010

How To Brainwash Yourself

In my last blog I mentioned my interest in brainwashing. In the past two years I noticed that it is possible to brainwash yourself. Maybe brainwash is not entirely the correct term, more like shift yourself around.

I learned that if you force yourself to watch that which you disagree with and you watch/listen/read about it long enough you can shape your thought patterns. You will no longer disagree with that which you hated. The key is to never get lost in your own brainwashing.

For example:

Lets say you are a Democrat. You are the type of person who likes the Huffington Post, Nancy Pelosi, MSNBC, you voted for Obama. For the sake of argument this is you. Now what you must do to brainwash yourself is cut it all out of your life. Download Republican podcasts, watch Fox News, listen to Michael Savage, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. All of your free time should be saturated with Republican information.

At first it will be boring to you. It will make you angry. You will wonder.."How can they say that?", "How can anyone believe this?". As time goes on...a few weeks.. you will notice that you agree with some of their points, this will happen more and more. This is actually your brain making new a way it is making a new person. After about 2 to 3 months you will agree most of the time with them and actually start to view Democrats as stupid and weak. The longer you let this go on the more and more you will be completely brainwashed in the Republican propaganda and actually truly believe it.

This works both ways. A Republican can reverse it and do the same. So what is the point?

Well here is where you have to be careful. You can not allow the brainwashing to completely take hold or you risk the possibility of forgetting that you in fact did brainwash yourself. The point however is to take the time and force yourself to be brainwashed in one direction and then in the other direction later. Then stop. You are now free. You see the whole picture and you now no longer like either party, but equally hate both, seeing them for what they really are.

This can also be used as a tool to "deprogram" yourself from years of programs you don't even know you have. It can not be stressed enough that you must have willpower, you must fill your life with whatever it is that you are brainwashing yourself with and NEVER forget to remain aware that you are indeed brainwashing yourself. By remain aware I don't mean put a guard up to it or it will not take hold as fast, but I mean casually remember daily what you are doing to yourself.

Other useful ways to use this after you have taken the time to free yourself up from old programs is to play with your own personality and adjust your own mind to see what happens and who you become. Witness how you start to change and how your thought patterns are now different. The best way to change yourself is to saturate yourself with that which you hate. Hate Rap music? Listen to it all day long. Read about it online. I promise you will eventually love it and oh how boring Pop music will seem. Watch your attitude change and the choices you make as your mind prompts and draws you to that which you fill it with.

You are already being brainwashed all the time and are completely unaware of it. This way at least you pick the programs. You really can change everything by what you shove inside your head.

Now here is the exception. I like to called them "brain nodes". There are parts of you so embedded, so protected by the mind and such a deeply held belief it would take a lot longer to change them. How long I don't know because to date I have been unable to change my own "brain nodes". I will give an example:

You have a women who deeply believes in Jesus and the Church. To her any information to the contrary is in her mind from the Devil himself and the second doubt tries to slip in, her brain will keep discarding the information to "protect" itself from losing her Jesus. This like I said is the flaw in what I have learned. I would love to change or erase my own "brain nodes".

Some of my "brain nodes" are rooted in fears that I have. Long standing fears of 15+ years. They are very rooted in all aspects of my life, so to change those would take more effort on my part or a technique that I have yet to teach myself.

Don't believe me? Try it. Just remember do not try to change a "brain node" this way because it seems at this time it does not work. As soon as you see how malleable your brain is you will become hooked to changing it. The reward will be a more free mind, a clarity that little possess and others will have a harder time controlling you because you can spot the game much more quickly.

I am currently again doing this to myself. I always read books. This time I am bombarding myself with movies, mostly horror films. I am sticking a few non-horror in there if it serves a purpose to me, meaning the direction I want my brain to go. Here is what I have forced myself to watch in the past 36 hours:

And Soon the Darkness --

Inception --

Get Him to the Greek --

Religulous --

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World --

Kurt Cobain About a Son --

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter --

Dread --

Dark Mirror --

In my next blog I will post what else since this blog I have watched. For now all the light fluff is out of my life. No watching Wendy Williams, The View etc. No more books. Audio and Video will be used only. The audio if not horror related will be punk rock music.

**Warning** You are responsible for the direction you take your brain and there can be unwanted changes. For example you can start to be a more violent person, so monitor yourself and change things up if necessary.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Lost At Sea

Brainwashing has been an interest of mine for sometime, right up there with my interest in physical immortality.

As a child I always felt like I was observing people. I can remember being in grade school and seeing how many of my peers acted like animals, how they grouped off, and how each group had a role. How my family seemed very concerned with being embarrassed and would put on this fake act. Like on Sundays we would go to church and my parents would often argue all the way there, about what I can't remember, but soon as they passed through the doors of the church it was all smiles and "Ohhh hi how are you!?". Then it was "Don't stand with your arms crossed, you look sick, what will people think?"

There have been these events in my life, which to others may not have caused the same effect upon them as it has me. After all I seem to have been born somewhat of an observer anyway. I do remember the more I was teased by my peers growing up and the more tense my household was the worse this observation/awareness got. By worse I mean I went deeper into my mind and would see more differences not only in others, but myself.

However back then I was able to go in and out of "reality". By that I mean I was not in a constant observer/aware state. I would still lose myself in the moment and forget. Like when I was hanging out with friends, during puberty when hormones kicked in that was an easy distraction, while shopping or busy at school. I could also distract myself with things and trying to accumulate money. Then I would remember.."Oh yeah...I am human...I am me."

It wasn't that bad back then though. I would not be in my head for periods of time. Then came an event that would pull me further out of "reality" or at least what passes for what people consider reality, lung surgery. I am not sure what it was about that event. Maybe the pain it caused that morning I woke up and went to the ER or maybe because I faced mortality, maybe the reaction or lack thereof of others, maybe all of it. I was 24 years old (year 2000) and at the time I was doing what many 24 year olds do, hanging with friends, hooking up and buying designer clothes. I had this vision in my mind during that time of all the suffering in the world and how selfish it was for me to spend $90 on a pair of jeans. It was not needed at all. Since that time I stopped buying designer anything (In fact I don't buy much of anything) and I would say the most expensive jeans I buy now are $20 if that. They look the same anyway. They only miss having a "label", that all important name the masses crave.

Next trigger for me was 9/11/2001. It was a shock for most people. The events of that day soon after didn't sit right for me and something felt off about it. If you have ever had a lucid dream you know there is that trigger where suddenly you are like "Oh...wait that doesn't make sense...I am just dreaming." Then you have your lucid dream. You are wide awake in your dream and have full control or almost full control. That is how that event was for me. Like a waking up and further pushing my mind into this weird state of awareness.

The last and most significant event for me was benzo withdrawal, which if you watched my video was hell on earth. Even I didn't think I would make it through that. I eventually felt that was it and I was going to be lost in that demented sea of terror that I would never escape from.

That brings me to now and here is the problem or gift depending on how you look at it. I can no longer relate to very many people at all. Sure I can play the role and no one is the wiser. I look and seem completely normal, but nothing is the same. As I said above I use to be able to lose myself in the moment. To "forget" what I know in the core of my being for a time. Now and for the past two years there has been no escaping that. I am just in this perpetual state from the time I wake till the time I sleep. From what I can tell it is also occurring in my dream state.

Some people I have opened up too about it have said maybe it is depersonalization. After looking that up I can say it is not that at all. It doesn't fit. I can't even really put words to what it is that I am experiencing, so to completely explain it to someone who has never had this would be almost impossible I have found. I suspect that someone reading this who is in this state would spot it right away and maybe even be thankful that there are others out there like this. One person sort of nailed it by saying "It is like you are a ghost, just here, but not part of any of it." That is close to how it feels.

It is not something that causes me distress or even something I wish to get rid of. The only downside is I feel alone. Not alone in a depression sort away, but alone because I have to act to seem interested in what most people tell me.

Facebook is one of the worst places for me to sit, yet I do daily. The mundane plays out at a rapid pace there. People posting about the pain they are in because they lost their greatest love, even though they only met a week ago. The running like ants to brunch, clubs, dinner. Come Monday morning the posts swarm with old cliches about how its "just another manic Monday" or "Hi ho, hi oh it's off to work I go.". Saturday night around 3am the posts start with how drunk they are and how upset they are about life, upset about what someone did or said or how they are going to just cry themselves to sleep. The next morning when sober those posts are usually deleted. Most people on my Facebook added me and we never speak. They know very little about me. I however know too much about them, their girlfriends, boyfriends, family, jobs, home life. Weekly I feel like deleting it, but instead I torture myself by staying and post yet more news stories on certain topics like a distress call in the dark hoping a person just like me takes a bite. I am looking for them as I am sure they are looking for me. Then again maybe they wised up and just deleted it.

I see roles being played out by people all the time. Many roles are set in authority/servant order. This plays out all over the place....manager, police, doctor, lawyer, judge. There is this whole system of hierarchy that we humans play. It is like a giant beehive we are all in only not many notice the hive. The other roles become sub-roles. Punk rocker, emo, club kid, rebel, woman of God, pure, innocent, partier, whore etc. None of the roles are bad in themselves. The problem is most seem to get lost in the role. They believe it and any challenge to it brings anger. Nothing brings anger more than pointing out something to someone who is so deeply locked in the system and needs the system so much they buy into all of it. Then anything you say they attack like a viper. You to them are the problem. They do not see that they are a slave kept in check by all the other slaves, each locked in this role that they are not even aware of.

I guess the only other negative to this state I am in is that I can feel every freaking heartbeat I have. Slow, fast..whatever, there it is beating in my chest. I can count it while I am sitting, walking or laying down. Thankfully I am learning to tune it out. There is nothing like having that thing thumping in your chest all the time. It is annoying.

One new age person told me that maybe what I am experiencing is enlightenment. I doubt it. To me enlightenment would bring peace and comfort. I don't have that. I am just aware. I still have fears like others. I still get angry. I just don't think enlightenment would carry that burden.

Well this is long enough. I started out talking about brainwashing, but never got around to it. I will write more on that topic later.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Beths life with lung cancer

Beth is short on money due to her illness, expenses and insurance coverage. If you would like to help get her grandchildren some Christmas gifts this year you can do so by going to her Amazon Wish List. Thank You.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Police State Continues To Put Up Its Grid

I know many people don't bother to read books anymore. However, this is an easy read and if you have never read it it is well worth your time and will open your mind to what is happening. 1984 (Signet Classics) (Mass Market Paperback)

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Chef Boyardee You Like?

I really dislike going to the supermarket. One of the reasons is because to be honest I am out of breath a lot and feel like crap, so that in itself is a hassle to lug around groceries. However the other reason I dislike going is because I do not shop like most people. So that brings comments either from the people who work there or from people shopping themselves.

I will give some examples:

I got a hand held basket of cucumbers and celery once. My goal was to juice it all before it expired and drink it all over a period of a few days. This of course drew some guy to me who was not even in line. He just wandered over. "You a vegetarian?" with a disappointing tone (yeah because that is the only thing vegetarians eat is tons of cucumbers and celery). Ummm WFT? Go away. That time I actually was in a mood and did not answer him at all. He stood there for 10 seconds looking at me and then walked away when he realized I was not actually going to speak.

I like to blend a lot of fresh fruit. So I had this time purchased a bunch of fruit. The cashier asked me "Wheres the party at?". I said "I just like fruit."

Tonight I went because frankly with the cost of food rising I can not afford to eat the "good stuff" all the time now. So I make due. I had this idea. OK for some reason Chef Boyardee does not make me feel sick, so let me stock up on that while it is still 92 cents a can. Also let me get about 100 cans of low sodium vegetables that I can blend and drink. It takes years for this stuff to expire and if we get an ice storm I don't have to worry about heating frozen vegetables or them spoiling from not being able to keep them cool if the power goes out. Side note: General Mills who makes a lot of canned goods is going to be using liners in the cans starting next year that are BPA free. So yay..for now anyway.

Once in the store tonight I decided that maybe 30 cans would be enough to start with because after all I have to carry all this stuff up to my apartment. So I gathered 30 cans of Chef Boyardee. After seeing it I agreed to myself that yes this was best to break my shopping into several trips.

I get in line..well there was no is 3am after all. I have 30 cans. I lay them on the conveyor belt. The cashier shouts "I need help!!". As if no one has ever purchased 30 items before. Some guy trucks himself over and lets out this giant sigh because he now has to bag 30 items. Then with hand on her hip she says in a loud voice "Yo, shoo like Chef Boyardee..Doncha!". I just said "It is cheaper here." not really answering the question, got my receipt and left.

It reminds me of the days when I was an active alcoholic. I would have to very often take myself to the store at 8am to get a 12 pack of beer for the day. I would get in line and then be asked by the cashier "Isn't it a bit early to buy beer?" That always bothered me because if it is legal to buy it then who the hell cares and also how do you know I am going to go right home and guzzle it down? (which I was going to, but that is besides the point). One time I just said "I am having a bad decade." she said "Oh."

I should buy 100 cans of beets and just stand in line looking wild eyed and soon as she starts to ring me out say in a half crazed voice "When is your next shipment coming in??!!"

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Drugs linked to brain damage 30 years ago

Drugs linked to brain damage 30 years ago

MPs and campaigners predict class action after failures to mount full-scale research into warnings left millions of patients at risk

By Nina Lakhani

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Secret documents reveal that government-funded experts were warned nearly 30 years ago that tranquillisers that were later prescribed to millions of people could cause brain damage.

The Medical Research Council (MRC) agreed in 1982 that there should be large-scale studies to examine the long-term impact of benzodiazepines after research by a leading psychiatrist showed brain shrinkage in some patients similar to the effects of long-term alcohol abuse.

However, no such work was ever carried out into the effects of drugs such as Valium, Mogadon and Librium – and doctors went on prescribing them to patients for anxiety, stress, insomnia and muscle spasms.

For the rest of the article please visit The Independent by clicking this link.

Brain Damage from Benzodiazepines

Brain Damage from Benzodiazepines

Brain Damage from Benzodiazepines: The Troubling Facts, Risks, and History of Minor Tranquilizers
Psychiatrists have long known that benzodiazepines can cause brain damage
Published on November 18, 2010

Last week, Britain's Independent newspaper published a bombshell for psychiatry and medicine: the country's Medical Research Council had sat on warnings 30 years earlier that benzodiazepines such as Valium and Xanax can cause brain damage. As 11.5 million prescriptions for these drugs were issued in 2008 in Britain alone, I focused on the consequences of the cover-up for the millions affected.

Given the feedback I received from numerous patients in Britain and the States attesting to their profound difficulties in quitting such medication, as well as their impairment from the drugs many years later, I want to retrace the drugs' controversial history, to help explain why the suppression of evidence about their side effects is deservedly national news in Britain, and why it should be here in the States, too.

Concern about the adverse effects of this group of drugs dates to the 1970s, when vast numbers of people began taking them for stress and anxiety. Once the most popular minor tranquilizers in Britain, the U.S., and much of Europe, benzodiazepines ("benzos" for short) include such household names as Valium, Xanax, Librium, Ativan, and Klonopin.

Between 2002 and 2007, the number of U.S. prescriptions for them grew from 69 million to 83 million. Their popularity trailed off in the 1980s and 1990s, when Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil and other SSRI antidepressants outsold them as "blockbuster" drugs—so-named because their annual revenues surpassed $1 billion. But benzos actually made a comeback earlier this decade, due in part to the highly successful marketing of Xanax for more than just Panic Disorder.

For the rest of the 2 page article please click the link to Psychology Today

FBI creating police state: Paul Craig Roberts

Friday, November 26, 2010

Interesting Video

Interesting video someone had posted on facebook. I love stuff like this, so I figured I would share.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A line in the sand

I posted the following on my facebook page this morning:

"I am no longer going to apologize for who I am or what I believe. I am not going to water myself down or find some middle ground that I do not agree with to appease people. I don't have to explain myself. If you have a problem with my beliefs or feel the need to debate me, do me and you a giant favor and delete me or I will eventually be deleting you. I am not here to agree with you or be debated."

When I see someone post something I don't agree with I do not feel the need to jump right over to their page and attack it, email them complaining, belittling their post, talk down to them, treat them child like or like they are "silly", try to demean them or demand an explanation as to why they believe it. I just ignore it.... whats it to me what they post? So, if I can do that I expect the same respect. I rather not wake up in the morning having to delete comments, worry if I post something I will have to face some backlash or feel the need to answer emails. Not only does that go for facebook, but for comments here as well. You just will not be approved. I am thinking my future Youtube videos will not even allow commenting.

This has been going on since I spoke up about what Xanax did to my body and life. It reached a tipping point when I started posting anti-TSA posts and my objection to the body scanners and aggressive pat downs where the TSA is putting their hands down peoples pants.

The statement "If you don't like it don't fly!!" is their mantra and other such repeating of things that comes out of the TV mostly. The snarky comments. The attitude that people should just submit and the need to be "safe". Yet, none of those people can tell you how the scanners work, what security theater is, what the 4th Amendment is. Soon the mantra will be "If you don't like it don't take the train, bus, go to the store, go to the concert etc."

Growing up hearing about the NAZI's I often wondered why people didn't say "No" or "This is not acceptable treatment". Later it was well understood by me the camps did not go up overnight. After all the Jewish people (as one friend pointed out to me) only had to wear the yellow star of David at first. So what is their problem? Why protest? After all just wear your stupid star...what is the big deal?

This kind of thing is slowly put in place. After all the United States already did warrantless domestic wiretaps and has secret jails, secret courts and waterboards people...but, hey, it didn't affect anyone you knew right? So it continued. The TSA body scanners are out in the open, so more wake up and say "Hey, no way." granted a smaller amount than the people who like sheep just go along with it saying nothing, trusting, asking nothing, submitting. To them for safety they will fall to the ground for the state. "Anything you want. I just want to be safe!!". Mean while no rational thinking is taking place.

1) The body scanners can not see inside your rectum or vagina. So you can still stuff stuff up there.

2) Plastic explosives were already detectable by having people walk through the chemical detection machine that puffed you with air.

3) Guns and knifes etc. could already be found with the metal detection system.

4) The TSA according to their own studies can barely catch half of the stuff that goes through by their own admission. To date the TSA has never stopped a terrorist.

5) While the radiation level is a small dose the radiation is not dispersed like a normal xray and is focused on the surface of the skin. Several doctors have said by the sheer number of people passing through it raises the risk of skin cancer, also don't forget business men have to travel and can end up passing through the machines several times. Radiation effects are cumulative. There are no studies on this type of focused radiation.

6) Unlike hospital equipment to date these machines are not checked to ensure that the radiation levels remain a constant and are not higher than stated.

7) Up till recently pilots had to pass through the machines. The very people who can just fly the plane into the ground. Why? Because this is not about keeping you safe. This is about training you to submit. To be a good little slave.

That is just some of many things to think about.

However, the population must submit!! How will that be done if too many people get loud? What if too many people say "No."?

1) An airport without a body scanner will have a "terrorist" board a plane and some event will happen. This will scare the masses and people will say "Yes, yes scan us." Most of the things mainstream media shows you and the things you are scared of are nothing, but PsyOp operations. Don't believe me? Well look into it. The flashy headline hits. Fear comes and then weeks, months later a small article about how it never happened or happened a lot differently than was reported is published. Lets take the underwear bomber. The reason we must all be scanned and submit to be "safe". 1) This event did not take place in our country. 2) The man had no passport and 3) He was escorted on the plane by officials reported by multiple passengers. What you heard was "Man boards plane with underwear bomb and we need to tighten security." Why was he escorted on to that plane? More important who escorted him on? Why was he allowed on without a passport?

2) A body scanner will catch a "terrorist" and then they will be quickly rolled out to all airports. All descent will be shouted down by the masses so they can remain "safe".


So back to the NAZIs and the people who did and said nothing. That is what in part prompted me to make my facebook statement. At some point in your life you will have to draw a line in the sand and stand for your convictions and what you know is right. In my mind the people who make fun of the people in this country standing up to say "No. This is not acceptable." "No you will not herd me around I am an American." Are no better than the NAZIs. Would I sit around debating NAZI sympathizers? Would I debate or listen to or put up with a NAZI? No. So why should I now?

No one has ever forced you to read what I write and no one forces you to believe me. You all have free will. I am like the radio. Don't like the song change the channel, but do not expect me to listen to your same boring song over and over. I will not justify myself because I would never justify myself to the NAZIs.

Also don't be surprised next will come the biometric scanning, iris scans, RFID implantable chips. I will also not allow that for myself. I will not as an American accept these measures in a free society. Forget even being American. I will not impose these measures upon myself as a human being.

For those of you who think maybe I have a point, maybe you agree, maybe you aren't sure? Surely it won't spread too far from the airports? I have a video for you.

Remember you are the terrorist.

"He who would trade liberty for some temporary security, deserves neither liberty nor security." Benjamin Franklin

Friday, November 5, 2010

Life Update

I haven't updated in awhile. I for some reason haven't been in the mood. I kept telling myself I would get to it or make a video. I really didn't feel like I had anything new to report or say. I starting to feel like even I don't want to here myself complaining anymore or I was waiting for happy stuff to report. I just didn't have anything happy and started getting emails asking if I was OK or asking me to update.

So here is what has been going on:

I still feel like crap only I make myself exercise everyday anyway. My heart still goes flying with little effort. I was going 4 mph (for 30 mins) on the treadmill, but my heart rate was 180 during it. For people who don't know that is not normal and 4 mph is not even jogging. So I backed it off to 3 mph which keeps my heart rate around 160 which isn't that great at all, but hey its lower than 180. A quick search on exercise will reveal that at 3 mph the heart rate should be about 105-120 depending on the persons fitness and level of health.

Anyway, so I do 3 mph for an hour every day, so I end up walking 3 miles total. It is boring as hell even if I am listening to techno/trance remixes on my mp3 player. Then after an hour or so of being done with that I do the arm bike. Its bike pedals, but you spin it with your arms. I spin that thing 3000 times a day. Also boring. It takes about 30 minutes to spin it that many times.

Sometimes my heart skips for a few seconds on the treadmill which concerns me to a point. I might do a stress test. Only problem at this point is what doctor do I even go see after seeing so many and being blown off. The amount of symptoms and doctors I have seen is ridiculous and a twisted part of my mind, even though I know full well its not true thought maybe I am part of some horrible government experiment. Its not like they don't do that to people. Just recently it was told on the news about us infecting people in another country and of course here at home the sterilizations that took place and the people left infected with syphilis. Anyway so like I said I don't really think that just crossed my mind in could it not at this point.

I have been eating 2 lbs of blended fruit a day or 3 quarts of vegetable juice. To try to repair whatever is wrong. Will it work? Who knows, but at least it gives me a feeling of some control.

It is almost 21 months since coming off Xanax so I decided to check my blood sugar again since the first year off it was running high (140-155) often times. Still under diabetes level, but those are not good numbers. Thankfully during retesting on and off I never went above 110. My numbers are now 91-110 which is perfect (fasting number 80).

Standing heart rate is still an issue. Sitting heart rate fine and of course as mentioned above exercising heart rate is terrible. I have been exercising daily since the end of Aug. minus 1 or 2 days off when I needed a break. I am still heat intolerant and severely fatigued. Digestive system is still messed up, but not as bad as it was and seems to be improving.

My mother had a scan last week to check on her cancer and got the results today. The cancer is back in the liver. So after the holidays she goes back for another scan then off to have part of her liver removed. She is only 89 lbs, never really recovered from the chemo which she has been off of for a year and 2 months. She has chronic diarrhea from it. She has to wear a diaper if she goes out or to sleep. She can't gain weight and is even more forgetful than she was. I am more concern about the liver surgery in her weakened state more so than the cancer right now.

I made a video series about an MSG free diet. Some people have emailed me asking if I have started it yet and I haven't. I limited it (but not enough), but that is why I am consuming so many fruits and vegetables now. I am on my way in that direction just been picking ass about it.

I have these days where I feel OK like really OK and then my body crashes and I feel like complete shit. I will be 35 this coming spring and I have felt like shit since the end of being 32 years old. I am tired of it. I feel beat down by it. I have no life at all. Then I perk back up and keep fighting back and have hope again.

I am overdue for my chest x-ray. I have to get one once a year, but its been a little over a year and a half since my last one. I really should do it because it actually hurts to take a deep breath. To clarify it has hurt to take a deep breath or yawn since 2000 when I had the surgery on my right lung, just the past few months they both feel more inflamed than normal..even the left one which is my "good lung". Of course the right one hurts more, but then it always does since 2000.

I keep hoping to turn this corner like one day all the exercise and fruits and vegetables will pay off..maybe I will wake up and everything will be over and in working order. In truth I have lived in this so long I am not completely sure how feeling well would feel or even what I would do. I have become very accustom to fighting and experimenting with myself. To suddenly not have that as a struggle would be weird and yet wonderful. I would go see a 3D movie or something.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


So, the appointment I made for Oct. 11th at the gastroenterologist was because I had been recommended to this particular doctor by two different people. I have had such bad luck with doctors and this one sounded like she was compassionate according to them.

The last gastroenterologist I saw was cold and snippy. I was not comfortable around her at all, nor did I feel comfortable in any shape or form with her running tests on me. In this particular department I am much more comfortable dealing with a woman for some reason, so that is why the new doctor I made an appointment with was ideal. She was of course a woman and not to far from my house. All the rest of the doctors in her group are men. I think I am put off by men doctors at this point because over the past 18 months they have been down right dismissive and one even just lost it charging up and down the hall throwing shit, but I digress...

So anyway I got this call today from the gastroenterology office I made an appointment with a few weeks ago:

Then don't forget I did call that therapist that was not far from me at all, which was good because even on my sickest of days I could have gotten myself there:

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Symptom List

I was just compiling a symptom list. This is off the top of my head, but there are more I am sure I left out. This is why I can't just dump all this on a doctor all at once.

1) Face randomly goes pale.

2) Feet feel cold sometimes and they are warm when I touch them.

3) Pupils dilate out sometimes.

4) Wake up from sleep because I felt like I was fainting.

5) Mornings soon as I start to wake up my heart can race rapidly for a minute.

6) Blood pooling into my feet and hands while standing (they turn purple).

7) Any drastic weather changes flare my symptoms sometimes severely.

8) About once a month I have a severe spike in symptoms for two to three days.

9) I can not drink milk or often times my heart will race and I will end up vomiting.

10) A full stomach sets off my symptoms.

11) Warm or hot showers have become almost impossible to do comfortably I will be left wore out for hours after and my heart will race more than normal.

12) Heart skips/flips.

13) While standing sometimes I get pressure in my head.

14) While standing I get dizzy spells sometimes like I am in an elevator.

15) Normal stress there is a drastic over response by my body flaring symptoms.

16) I can feel anxiety for no reason at all, like an adrenaline rush. If it is strong enough I will vomit.

17) Some mornings I wake up and my eyes are blood shot and my mouth is dry.

18) I drink fluids all day long more than most people if I don't my symptoms flare.

19) If I don't eat enough salt my symptoms flare.

20) If my a/c unit can not keep up with the heat I can end up in the ER with heart rates in the 130s laying down.

21) High fat foods cause me stomach discomfort and racing heart with chest pressure.

22) Sometimes I have chest pressure anyway.

23) I have severe fatigue even after I slept enough.

24) I can not stay on the same sleep cycle. I cycle around the clock.

25) Other times I experience insomnia.

26) I can have wild blood pressure changes in a minute. example 142/92 to 90/60.

27) Sometimes standing my blood pressure drops, more often it keeps climbing or starts to yo-yo.

28) Heart rate while standing can change rapidly too minute to minute just standing still example 140, 95, 120, 88, 125, 97 ect.

29) I can feel very hot for no reason as well as very cold for no reason.

30) I get low fevers for no reason. It will go to 100 degrees and then 30 mins later be normal or even as low as 96.5

31) My feet sweat sometimes so much my socks feel like I stepped in a puddle besides that often times elsewhere I seem to sweat very little or not at all.

32) Glands under my neck swell to the size of quarters and then the next day will be the size of a pea. They are not painful at all.

33) When I exercise my heart rate is faster than it should be for the amount of work I am doing and can take hours to return to baseline or even a few days. Other times it is normal soon after I stop.

34) Some days I have trouble breathing.

35) Some days when I lean over to pick something up I get chest pressure and my legs and arms can shake.

36) I have issues kneeling down and then standing back up. Sometimes my vision goes black from it for a few second.

37) Sometimes the longer I stay awake the less my symptoms will be.

38) After eating I can experience anxiety for an hour or so.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Feel Like Starting Over

Last night I almost passed out. I woke up feeling very hot. I actually thought it was my apartment, but it was just me. I went to the bathroom to go pee and shortly after my face went white and my brain went foggy. Part of me almost didn't care. I thought about just letting myself pass out, but Keith was sleeping, so I decided against it in case I hit my head. I did however decide to take my blood pressure during it, since those events are more rare for me. My Blood pressure standing was 97/77 and my pulse was 134. I sat down and rechecked and it was 108/79 and my pulse of course because I sat down dropped to 88.

After that I didn't go right back to bed. So I sat online for a few hours. Eventually I went back to sleep and woke up at 9:30am shivering. I was freezing, bone cold like you get when you are out in the winter time. Keith was awake by then so I asked if he could bring me my thermometer. I checked it was only 98.1 degrees. So no fever. Eventually I warmed up and went back to bed till 130pm.

After waking up my heart was in a fast phase again. Standing it was in the 130s and so I went to the kitchen to drink V8 since high salt seems to help sometimes. I then decided I didn't care if it killed me, whatever it is that is wrong, so I went to the store, secretly hoping I would pass out in front of a bunch of people so the ambulance could just collect me and take me to a hospital. The other part of me really did not actually want that to happen. It is just sometimes I get so fed up with having 100s of symptoms, some days worse, some days better and some days like this past Fathers Day a nightmare.

Driving to the store I was playing with ideas in my head. What new primary care doctor would I get now? I wonder if a walk in clinic doctor would be my new primary care since I can't predict day to day or hour to hour how I feel? It sure would make it easier to see one regularly. I thought about my family and how they could actually just be the way they have been through all this? How will I get through all this with no support system? What if some well meaning doctor makes me worse than I am now? Then I wondered about death. Why do I always fight whatever is wrong? Maybe I should just let it kill me? Maybe by being careful I am only prolonging my own death and should just let it do what it is going to do and be done. Then I thought about how that would actually suck because being dead is the last thing I really want.

Later on I was telling Keith how sometimes I am so angry because I am tired of dealing with it, tired of writing about it, just tired. I would like nothing more than to lay on a warm beach by the ocean and feel the sun cooking me without ending up in the ER from it. How I hate my apartment because it is my jail cell. That I feel I have so much to offer other people and I have great ideas. It just feels all wasted. If I died today this really would be it. A family who never saw how cool I was, doctors who never knew how much I was suffering and a blog read by people who think I am crazy or silently suffering themselves, some I feel holding out hope that I can fix this because if I can fix it, then maybe they can too. I am the worst person in many ways to be looking up too. There are so many better people to follow, yet at the same time I understand it. I would be asking me questions too esp. if I found someone who felt just like me.

I made yet another doctors appointment with a new gastro doctor. This one hopefully is not as cold. I can deal with clinical, but not someone who is cold and won't really listen to what I am saying. I am not rigid, I am willing to listen myself, but I just can't accept what they tell me it is when I know for a fact it is not. I also really need some compassion from a doctor. This is not easy for me and sometimes I want them to just pretend they care, even a little, even if they secretly hate me.

So that appointment will be Oct 10th at 10:15am. It takes a long time to get into specialists. I tried to make an appointment with a Psych doc because I figured I am playing the game wrong. I need to convince them this is not mental. Then when a doctor stays it is mental I will have a note from a "professional" saying it is not other than a few phobias. The Psych doctor returned my call though to say they were not taking on any new people at this time, which sucks because it was so close to my house, even my sickest of sick days I could have got myself to that place. I am flirting with the idea of seeing yet another Cardio doc. Part of me wants to say "Doctor when this is all over I am going to write a book about this, do you want your chapter to be good or bad?" Can you imagine the nut job I would be labeled then haha.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Mayo Clinic

If you follow my blog you remember on Fathers Day I went to the ER after my heart went to 155-160 beats a minute for 24 hours and was bugging out. About 36 hours after I left the ER it went back to its normal high self. Oddly, since then it has slowed down..don't get me wrong I still have hours or a day where it acts up bad..but I have been getting a lot of standing readings of 87-106 and for me that is crazy great. lol

The weird thing is since the ER my stomach is all twisted up, which I posted about in the blog before this one. Now my main complain is how sick my stomach is. Keith noticed because I stopped bitching about my heart and swapped over to my stomach and digestive tract. I don't know, I know people say 6- 18 to 6-36 months for benzo damage to heal...maybe I am going into the next phase of it and now it is upsetting my stomach..who knows. This whole experience had been odd and long, very very long.

I am in month 17 since I stopped.

OK so here is something else weird. The first 12 months off benzos I became phobic of sex. The idea made me feel queasy and almost faint like. Then like magic the idea no longer bothered me and it was just over. Also since I stopped Xanax I have not been my normal creative least to the level I once was. I just sat online and read books. About a week ago I woke up and felt like that was back.

It was like someone turned a light switch on and all my creative ideas flowed back. I made a few web sites and started coming up with money making ideas, which is completely the old my point is maybe I am still healing up.

I can honestly say my mind seems to be 99% back to what it was since the drug, now my body really needs to catch up because that is only about 50% back to my normal.

I am convinced that benzo withdrawal can trigger POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome). Speaking of which I got an email yesterday from the Mayo Clinic (I had sent a video about my heart rate and showed how it behaves). They said they passed it along to a doctor there for consideration. The only good news that I hold onto about POTS is that if the med. did trigger that in me 80% of people get well from it within 5 years. So, I figure by 2014 I should be good to go lol.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

My Belly Stirs

My body seems to have adapted to the summer heat, as long as it is 90 or below anyway. I still have my a/c units running, but being on the 2nd floor it doesn't really keep up. My electric bill was $197 this month, which is crazy it is usually $70.

My stomach has been causing me all sorts of drama since I went to the ER on Father's Day. I mean it always causes drama, but this is just more dramatic. I keep bloating and have this sick feeling most of the time 3 inches above the belly button. I took some ginger tonight and it helped some. I drank it down with some hot tap water, which is not good, but I have no coffee mug and will have to get one. I think I am going to look into getting some ginger pills and see if that helps. I took Prevacid, Zantac and Pepcid in the past and they all have caused me bad colon cramps, so that is not cool.

Besides that I have been distracting myself, esp. since I have not been sleeping well at all. I keep getting 5 to 6 hours of sleep and I am one of those people who don't do well unless they get 8 or 9. Anyway so I was feeling the need to start making web pages again. This is the first time since Xanax withdrawal that I felt like it. I ended up making three automatic blogs, which is actually cool because I don't have to do anything. They just update themselves by pulling videos on certain topics from other video sites and auto embedding the code.

An online friend of mine who has her own health issues going on right now mailed me a book called. The Journey: A Practical Guide to Healing Your Life and Setting Yourself Free by Brandon Bays . It is a New Age type of book. However it is still an interesting concept.

I was looking forward to doing that detox till my body got all funky on me, but it is still on my to do list. I called around to a few companies and looked at their websites to see if there was any microwave food products that were gluten free. I now have several lined up so when I do cut gluten completely out of my diet I will have a strong backup plan in case I don't feel like making food. Like (and this is not good for you) Frito's corn chips are gluten free. Which you would assume anyway since it is made with corn, but there are so many ingredients thrown in the mix often times you have to check to be sure.

Thankfully Uncle Ben's Microwave White Rice is also gluten free. They didn't list their microwave long grain brown rice as being gluten free though.

Anyway so that is what I have been up to.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Quick Update

In case anyone was concerned I just wanted to let people know that a few hours ago my heart rate sitting dropped back into the low 80s, which is better than 120's to 130's sitting. I feel a lot better than I did over the past 36 hours. Standing is still an issue, but it will resolve and go back to its normal high self.

I was able to eat a bit more today. I went a full 24 hours on only fluids because for some reason it was like my digestive system was just off. I have had that happen before, esp. last year.

So basically I am feeling better and as it stands right now no need to have to worry about going back to an ER.

I did drink a gallon of Gatorade yesterday and water. Today I had 64 oz of Gatorade and some salty pretzels to keep the fluid in me. Hopefully that helped to lower my heart rate.

I swear it is so strange I am sick and then I am SICK. I think how I feel when I say I feel OK would send someone else to the ER. It is amazing what you can get use to. Either way I carry on from here. Lets hope I get a break for a bit hehe.

Thanks everyone who emailed me, tweeted me, and messaged. It means a lot esp. when I I feel like that.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Was back in the ER

After being sick all night and a pulse rate of 155 and not dropping below 120 I went to the ER this morning.

It was a giant waste of time. I did the EKG and it was sinus tachycardia. I explained what goes on and such. I was being treated like a neurotic. I stayed calm. I was told I was dehydrated and I explained how much I drink. It was blown off like I didn't know. OK fine I stayed calm.

I said before you draw my blood can you start an IV or it will make me sicker. (I know from experience that when I am like I am today my heart rate goes even higher and I get bad anxiety from it) She got an attitude and said "I am only taking a little" (6 vials).I said "I know to you it is a little, but I know my body and it will make me sicker". "Well I can leave the line in and if the doctor wants an IV I can add it" I said I will wait till you talk to the doctor about the IV and we can do the blood then" She got all huffy with this attitude.

I unplugged myself from the machines. Told her "I have had enough attitude over the past 16 months of this. I know what I am talking about, so this may not seem like a big deal to you, but it makes a giant difference in how it will effect my body."

She left and within 3 mins a doctor came in because I was leaving. I asked him if it was sinus tachycardia? He said "Yes". That he would have given me the IV bag. I said "I know that is why I asked for one before my blood draw". He said if I wanted blood work I could. I said "What will you test for? He said "Thyroid, electrolytes, CBC". I asked if they could run something else with it. He said no just standard. I said they will come back normal or slightly low on potassium like all the other times. And I told him I have a chest xray every year, since he was going to do that as well..

I expressed my desire to just be admitted so I could get all this out of the way and how sick I have been and unable to get place to place ect ect . He said because of my age and symptoms they wouldn't admit me.

He listened to my heart rate and said "You are very tachycardic." I told him my thyroid was 2.5 last time I checked and he said "is that normal? I don't remember the normal range." So I had to tell the doctor the normal range of the hormone.

I left. My paper says "No strenuous activity" "avoid heat" "follow up with a primary care doctor and cardiology this week" "come back if necessary". Diagnosis "Palpitations with sinus tachycardia".

At least it was sinus tachycardia and not supraventricular tachycardia that is why I went because it was getting too high and wanted to make sure.

Positive note: The two young girl techs who did my EKG were very nice.

Pic I snapped before the ER visit this morning.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Its hot out and I am ill

OK so I wanted to show two videos. I am not wanting you to look at the blood pressure. I only am using the blood pressure machine to look at heart rates. The top video is today with me feeling hot (lots of water was consumed today so I am not dehydrated, which people often accuse me of). My heart rate is not only fast, but fluttering.

Second video is a much better day. Lower heart rates sitting, and not as high standing. Yet you can see the difference standing when a normal heart rate increases by 5 to 10 beats while standing. Because of YouTube time issues I couldn't keep going on the second video to show how it would continue to go into the 120's+

Keep in mind it is so much more than the heart rates you see. My whole body is sick and I feel like I am dying half the time during it. It drains all my energy. Also keep in mind I do have a/c on. Another reason I am not having you look at the blood pressure and only the heart rate is because you have to take breaks between blood pressure readings. I have no other way to show my pulse.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

A good day, pre-detox and books

I have been reading 3 books. I tend to read a few at a time, so I don't lose interest. When I get tired of one I pick up the next. One book was mailed to me from an online friend in California.

"The China Study" by T. Colin Campbell

"The Messengers: A True Story of Angelic Presence and the Return to the Age of Miracles" by Julia Ingram

Stopping Inflammation: Relieving the Cause of Degenerative Diseases" by Nancy, Ph.D. Appleton

I have still been doing a pre-detox and assume very soon I can start. I think I have allowed by body enough time to get use to all the fiber I have been adding. It seems to now be handling it with little issue at all.

I hardly hear from my parents anymore and I have stopped calling. After reaching out repeatedly for help and being rejected (that is the very short story of it all) I sent a letter saying I can't do it anymore. That I love them both, but after years of issues I can not continue to do it. That anytime they want to talk to me I am here. Feel free to call and I am not mad. The letter of course said a lot more than that. I sent it in mid May. Some of you I shared that letter with. I do not have the energy to continue to argue with them... I don't feel well enough. I have never been selfish. By that I mean I have always helped everyone in my life at the expense of myself. I am not willing to do that anymore. At least right now till I can get help or help myself.

On a good note when my mother did call she told me that her physical therapy is done with. She still has a lot of bowel issues from the chemo she did. So far the scans keep coming back clear, so no cancer is seen. This of course will have to be watched, but so far so good. I am happy about that.

Today it is nice out. Nice for me anyway. The temp. is only 65 degrees and I have the windows open. I don't have to run the a/c and beside my normally fast heart rate it is not excessive from the heat. I slept well too. My stomach was queasy for a few hours after I woke up, but nothing too big to deal with compared to how bad I can get. So it is a good day.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Pre Detox

Rules of my up coming detox that I would like to do for myself:

It will be 100% dairy free and Grain free except rice. Meat is allowed (Only as a small portion, mainly seafood [I do not believe in meat free because it is a b12 source]). Nothing processed. I thought about not doing any grain, but I am not so sure my body could handle that at this point, but it will be limited. Also the guilty pleasure will be that it will be white rice because I can not really stand and watch brown rice cooking that long, not to mention it will warm up my apartment boiling that long. Boil in bag white rice will do just fine for now.

I am not even sure when I will start, but I have been doing a pre-detox for a week now. Getting my body use to the massive amounts of fruits and vegetables I am adding.

Here is what I have since I woke up at 7pm tonight. It is now 9pm.

I find blending things with water makes it go in faster and in larger amounts. Cleaning the blender is easier than cleaning my juicer (which I am sure will be used too)

I have had in 2 hours:
a cup of strawberries
5 pitted dates
small box of raisins
cup of broccoli
cup of brussle sprouts
Carrot juice
cup of cherry tomatoes

before I went to bed this afternoon I had a banana, 5 pitted dates and 5 prunes.

At this point I am still eating some processed foods and have been having some products with cheese. That will be dropped soon. I am going to measure my calcium intake from the foods I eat and if I fall too short I have a calcium pill I can take (dairy free source).

Like I said I am not sure when I will decide the right day will be to start 100%, but when I do I will title a post "Detox day 1" and I would like to do it for 28 days. I will also post how many minutes I was on the treadmill and at what speed and if I couldn't that day why. Also if I have to cheat and eat something that will be posted too.

I really want people to see how hard I am trying to fix what is wrong and at this point I only have time to wait before I am not able to see a doctor. I can't travel around in the heat at all. I get dizzy easy as well (a little dizzy feeling as I write this even) it comes and goes.

I will say this. Taking in all these foods starting my "pre-detox" my heart is still very fast. Last night from 3am to 6am it was very bad. However that being said my skin looks great haha.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Brittany Murphy, Dysautonomia, Her Brother

Brittany Murphy, Dysautonomia, Her Brother

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Better than I was the other day

I am feeling better than I was the other day. It hits me like a truck when it starts to act up. Don't get me wrong, everyday I feel like crap and struggle, but there are some days where I am literally couch or bed bound, so sick that I just can't function at all. I lay there feeling as if death is on its way. It comes at times with a deep feeling that I have been poisoned and a nausea that seems to fill my whole body.

What I really am upset about the most is not being able to stand most days past 15 minutes comfortably. After standing that amount of time and sometimes sooner the dizzy spells start and when I am at my sink trying to do dishes I have the feeling as if I am falling towards it. My heart rate on a bad day will be 150-160 standing, thankfully most days it is 120-130 standing. Then like magic I have a good day or a few good hours where standing it is 80-96.

This of course keeps me a prisoner in my own home. A long time ago I had anxiety that kept me inside, but for completely different reasons. Even back then I would just shop at the store at night. Now it doesn't matter what time it is. I am just trapped.

There was a fire in my complex last week and my main concern at first was that it was in my building. Not because I would lose my stuff in a fire, but because it was hot out and heat can make me so much sicker. I was concerned that I would have to go outside and sit on the lawn. There is no way I could just stand some place. Thankfully it was not in my building and also turned out to be a small kitchen fire, no real damage.

The other day I had yet another argument with my mother when she called me. I can't take it anymore esp. when I feel very ill. They (my parents) refuse to hear how sick I actually am. They are still stuck on some agoraphobia kick and that I am somehow just mentally ill. She says to me "I know you don't like to leave your apartment, but its warm outside, why don't you go out and sit on the porch." This sent me into a rage, right or wrong. How many times over the past 16 months have I said I can't take any type of heat and how sick it makes me. I can hardly even take showers anymore. When I do they are cold and that is not very comfortable. I would love nothing more than to be able to sit outside. It has nothing to do what so ever that "I don't like too."

Since I had an argument with my mother on May 2nd I have been biting my tongue, till that statement was made. I just talk about general things like the news, and listen to her health issues. My father of course never calls and never has unless it had something to do with a bill. I have had a lot of time to think over this past 16 months about my life and my past. I love my parents, but I also realize the level of emotion abuse that went on in that house. Yet, I always carry this guilt around because being this sick they are paying my half of the bills. Money is not love though and I am beginning to feel more like a pet than a son. Month in and month out the bills get paid, but I am kept at the same level of illness and a refusal to help get me someplace that I might find that help. I much rather be able to get to a doctor out of state who deals with these issues. I have hit a wall in Albany. I can't get through to any doctor how bad off I am. I tell them the same things I write about in this blog. However I sit here and there looking fine. On the outside I look 100% OK unless I go pale. They stay stuck on how it is anxiety and ignore that this so called mystery anxiety only happens when I am standing. Not to mention while anxiety does cause a fast heart rate it does not only do it while the person stands and then stops when the person sits back down. An average heart rate increases about 5 to 15 beats when a person stands. I increase 25-50 beats.

I am effected by weather changes in the worst way. Esp. if the weather turns hot. This coming week we are going to be in the 90's a few times. I am not looking forward to that. I just hope it isn't that bad.

As far as people telling me I am depressed. That really annoys me because with all the crap I deal with I am happy. As happy as one can expect. I am lonely a lot, pretty much at this point have lost my family. No real life friends. Yet, I am hopeful I will find an answer somehow and be helped. I am not miserable. I read and go online. I laugh at TV shows and as soon as a bad spell leaves I am right back to trying to help myself through exercise and eating well. I have days where I cry and cry hard, but that is because sometimes what I deal with becomes to much, it all crashes yes I allow myself to have a pity party for awhile and then I come out of it and keep fighting.

I am sorry that my mom is still sick, the truth of the matter is even if she wasn't it would be the same. It is how it has always been. My father and mother have always been this way. What finally clicked in me a month ago was that they will never change. I am chasing after a relationship with them that I will never get. So I stopped.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I feel like shit

I hate days like this. I am so fucking sick. I don't even know how to handle it anymore. I have had trouble sleeping for days. I was sitting on the couch, just on my laptop and felt so tired that I was going to attempt to try to head to bed again. I got up off the couch to go pee and by the time I got to the bathroom I was white as a ghost and felt tingly and dizzy. I had to sit on the toilet to go pee because I was concerned I might faint.

I then went to the bedroom and laid in bed trying to sleep as I could feel every rapid heart beat in my chest. I finally dozed off for a minute or two and then woke up from a feeling like I was fainting in my sleep. I then tried to fall back to sleep just laying there feeling flu like and poisoned through my whole body with my ears ringing.

I decided to get back up to get a glass of milk. I went back to the couch and ended up spilling all 16oz of milk all over my carpet. Went back to the kitchen and got paper towels and cleaned it up best I could.

Now I am back on the couch feeling cold and sick. I just want to cry. I have no help in this at all. I am often to weak to even get to a doctors office even if I wanted too, and after the way I have been treated over the past year I am too nervous to go back and fight for myself. That is one thing I don't have the energy for and that is to be nervous and upset. I am too sick to be upset. Being upset takes a lot of energy, energy I don't have.

R.I.P. David Daniel

I was casual friends with Dave Daniel in high school. I haven't seen him in years, but I was saddened by his untimely death. I also found it sad that no one in his family noticed he was gone. He was pulled from a river a few days ago. He had been in there for months.

From the news article:

Police identify body pulled from river
Foul play not suspected; investigation continuing

Troy -- The body pulled from the Hudson River on Monday has been identified as a 31-year-old Capital Region man who had apparently been in the water for months.

Investigators have found no signs of foul play in the death of David K. Daniel, who had addresses in both Troy and Albany.

Sgt. Terry Buchanan said Daniel had paperwork in his possession from February and may have been in the river since around that time or shortly after.

''He was in the water for a while and apparently his family never missed him,'' Buchanan said.

Daniel's mother lives locally, police said.

Buchanan did not know if the man had a job. His body was discovered by men fishing Monday evening near the Bruno Machine company along the river in South Troy.

Troy Police detectives are continuing to investigate Daniel's death, Buchanan said.

Read more:

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome Maybe? (POTS)

Sorry about the volume my mic is having issues. I guess time for a new one. Just make sure your sound is up.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Anxiety or POTS?

Historical note and nomenclature

Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) is an often disabling syndrome of symptomatic orthostatic tachycardia in the absence of orthostatic hypotension. POTS is a restricted sympathetic dysautonomia with neuropathic and central forms resulting from a constellation of different disorders. The syndrome has also been called orthostatic tachycardia, orthostatic intolerance, idiopathic orthostatic intolerance and postural tachycardia, neurocirculatory asthenia, mitral valve prolapse syndrome, irritable heart, and soldier's heart, among others. There is also clinical overlap with chronic fatigue syndrome, especially in adolescent cases (Stewart and Weldon 2000).

Clinical manifestations

The symptoms of postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome suggest a hyperadrenergic state and impaired cerebral perfusion. Presyncope is common with POTS, but less than a third of the patients experience syncope (Raj 2006). Chest discomfort may be a feature, but it is not associated with coronary artery stenosis (Raj 2006). Bowel irregularities are common, and many patients are co-diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome. Orthostatic headache, when present in POTS, tends to be bifrontal, bitemporal, or holocephalic but occasionally may have a nuchal or occipital distribution, clearly distinct from the “coat-hanger” distribution sometimes seen with orthostatic hypotension and then attributed to trapezius ischemia (Mokri and Low 2003).

Symptoms of Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome

(Particularly When Upright)

• Tachycardia

• Palpitations

• Chest discomfort

• Dyspnea

• Tremulousness

• Exaggerated physiological tremor

• Cold sweaty extremities

• Fatigue

• Exercise intolerance

• Lightheaded dizziness or presyncope

• Blurred or tunnel vision

• Headache, possibly migrainous

• Mental clouding (feeling “in a fog”; “brain fog”)

• Nausea

• Bowel irregularities

Diagnostic Criteria for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome

• Sustained heart rate increase of at least 30 beats per minute from supine to standing within 10 minutes of standing (or a heart rate that exceeds 120 bpm on standing)

• Lack of orthostatic hypotension (systolic blood pressure does not fall by more than 20 mmHg and may increase with standing)

• Symptoms of orthostatic intolerance (eg, lightheadedness, weakness, palpitations, blurred vision, breathing difficulties, nausea, or headache) develop with standing and resolve with recumbency

• Symptoms present for at least 3 months

• Occurs in the absence of prolonged bed rest (deconditioning)

• Occurs in the absence of medications that impair autonomic regulation (eg, vasodilators, diuretics, antidepressants, anxiolytic agents)

• Occurs in the absence of other conditions that might cause autonomic failure or orthostatic tachycardia (eg, active bleeding, anemia, dehydration)

(Raj 2006; Medow and Stewart 2007; Thieben et al 2007)

In addition to the orthostatic tachycardia, physical findings in postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome can include a murmur or click of mitral valve prolapse (although significant mitral regurgitation is unusual) and prominent dependent acrocyanosis (Raj 2006). Dependent acrocyanosis, present in about half of patients with POTS, is characterized by a dark reddish-blue discoloration of the legs, which are cold to the touch (Raj 2006). This acrocyanosis is apparently due to decreased cutaneous blood flow rather than increased blood pooling in venous capacitance vessels (Freeman et al 2002; Stewart 2002; Raj 2006).

Symptoms may be exacerbated by fatigue, exercise, heat, dehydration, the postprandial state, menses, various medications, fibromyalgia, and migraine (Thieben et al 2007; Piovesan et al 2008; Staud 2008).

Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome primarily affects women of childbearing age, with 80% to 90% of cases being women, and most cases occurring between the ages of 15 and 50 years (Jacob et al 1999;(Mokri and Low 2003; Raj 2006; Garland et al 2007; Thieben et al 2007). Onset frequently occurs following pregnancy, major surgery, or presumed viral illness (Raj 2006). Symptoms in women are frequently exacerbated during the premenstrual phase of the ovulatory cycle (Raj 2006). A smaller proportion (10% to 15%) has a family history of orthostatic intolerance (Thieben et al 2007).

Although patients with postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome may appear anxious, they do not have excess “cognitive anxiety,” nor do they have an increased lifetime prevalence of psychiatric disorders in general (Raj et al 2009).

Sunday, April 25, 2010

H. Pylori increased risk for polyps

"Blacks with Helicobacter pylori infection were at an increased risk for developing colorectal polyps, according to the results of a retrospective study presented at the American Association for Cancer Research 101st Annual Meeting in Washington, D.C.

“This infection is more common in minorities and African Americans and there is a higher incidence of colon cancer and mortality from colon cancer in African Americans compared with Caucasians,” said Duane T. Smoot, MD, chief of the gastrointestinal division at Howard University, Washington, D.C. “Currently, we think of H. pylori as an infection in the stomach that causes diseases in the stomach, but what we may not be aware of is how much it affects the colon.”

Smoot and colleagues examined 1,262 black patients who were enrolled the same day as bidirectional gastrointestinal endoscopy. H. pylori status was assessed using immunohistochemistry on gastric specimens; polyps were confirmed by histological examination from complete colonoscopy.

Polyps were 50% more prevalent among black patients with H. pylori compared with uninfected patients (43% vs. 34%; 95% CI, 1.2-1.9). In addition, data indicated a trend toward larger polyp size — greater than 1 cm — in patients infected with H. pylori (P=.07).

Certain participants were identified at baseline as having above average risk for colorectal polyps (n=21); polyps were detected in 62% of these patients. – by Leah Lawrence"

For more information on H. Pylori

Monday, April 19, 2010

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Care for your mouth.

Poor gum health is linked to many diseases including heart disease and cancer.

Treat gingivitis in 3 days with the following:

1 and a half oz. of warm water.
1 teaspoon of onion powder.

Mix and put into your mouth and rinse for 30 minutes 3 times a day for 30 minutes each time. Be sure to do one rinse right before bed.

To treat a toothache do the following:

2 oz. of warm water.
1 teaspoon of ginger powder.

Mix and put into your mouth and rinse for 30 minutes 3 times a day for 30 minutes each time. Be sure to do one rinse right before bed.


2 oz. of warm water.
1 teaspoon of turmeric powder.

Mix and put into your mouth and rinse for 30 minutes 3 times a day for 30 minutes each time. Be sure to do one rinse right before bed. (Notice: Turmeric powder will temperately stain teeth yellow.)

***Always be sure if you are on medication to call a pharmacist and ask if there is an interaction.

**** Do not swallow the rinse. After rinsing for 30 minutes spit it out.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Agoraphobia Anxiety POTS celiac disease

What is your age?
Are you male or female?
Do you smoke cigarettes? If so how many a day and for how many years?
Do you drink alcohol? If yes how much and what do you drink?
Do you eat foods that contain gluten like wheat or oats?
What is your pulse while sitting?
After standing for 5 mins take your pulse what is it now?
Do you exercise? If so what do you do and how much?
Do you eat dairy products?
Do you eat corn? or products that contain corn syrup?
If you have a blood pressure machine at home what is your blood pressure?
What is your blood pressure 5 mins after standing?
Do you own a juicer and if so do you use it and how often?
Do you take a multivitamin?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Brian FAQ

Over the past few months people have emailed me asking me random questions, so I figured I would post my answers without any elaboration. Oddly, some questions I wonder why people asked, but I will answer anyway.

1) Do you believe in man made global warming?

2) Do you believe in the right to bear arms?

3) Do you believe that vaccination can lead to autism?

4) Do you support the current Health Care Reform Bill?

5) Do you believe the Government had any part in the events of 9/11?

6) Do you believe someone could cure themselves of cancer?

7) Do you think psychiatry does more harm than good?

8) Do you think psychiatric drugs do more harm to the body than good?

9) Do you believe in God?

10) Do you follow a religion?

11) Do you believe in the supernatural?

12) Do you believe we went to the moon when we said we did?

13) Do you trust doctors anymore?

14) Do you trust medications anymore?

15) Do you think it is OK to have body scanners at airports?

16) Would you be biometrically finger printed?

17) Would you give your DNA at a traffic stop?

18) Do you think aliens exist in the universe?

19) Do you believe humans are born homosexual?

20) Do you believe in gay marriage?

21) Do you believe the government still carries out experiments on its population?

22) Do you think illegals should be allowed to stay?

23) Are you a Democrat or a Republican?

24) Do you think artificial sweeteners are poison to the body?

OK that is all I can think of. If you have a yes/no/neither question for me post a comment and I will answer it. If you have issue with my answers, oh well, it is who I am.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Anonymous Benzo Story

I wanted to share the following comment left on one of my videos. I will keep the author anonymous.

"I had a VERY similar experience. The relentlessness of it was completely horrific. I was never suicidal, but was beginning to feel that I could not, mentally, physically or emotionally take the daily torment...and of course - what kind of life was it anyway? So very hard to put into words the torture, hopelessness, LONELINESS - you suffer alone, no matter how many loved ones try to help. You bear it every day. I had the electric jolts out of sleep - only sleeping one hour at a time. I had epeilepsy/seizures as a child and these jolts felt very similar to me...this fueled my anxiety that my epilepsy had come back, and I began to be terrified of sleeping for fear of having a seizure. I told Doctors of my epileptic history and asked if they could give me an EEG ( something I had often as a child) but they would not. I often think if they had allayed my fears, my problem may not have spiralled. To not even get reprieve through sleep was intolerable.

If someone would have guaranteed that these sensations would stop if they chopped off a limb - I would have happily agreed. I thought, this is my life, I don't want to live it...I CAN'T do it. Fortunately, I did. I did use diazepam (am still using it) but am weaning off of it so slowly (I too have used the website). But the slightest twinge of anxiety echos those bad memories and I will celebrate the day that that no longer happens. I did find a good doctor. Makes all the difference. Anyone who has not experienced this cannot understand the utter hopelessness, and the feeling that you cannot fight it another day, are beaten, lost. I can't actually think about it too much....not yet distanced enough. But I know that it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can't believe I am still here."

Friday, March 26, 2010

Where Does Love Hide?

I was watching a movie tonight online. During it I started to wonder, when it was last that I was happy; truly happy. I think it was 1995-1996, scary, that is 14-15 years ago. I don't know if I was even truly happy then, maybe just happier than I have been sense.

Reflecting back on my childhood, what bothers me is even then I don't remember being completely happy. If anything, the only thing that kept me going, even now is myself. My imagination is one of the most wonder gifts I was given in this life. I think I have kept myself entertained. I am very creative and I noticed early on in life that I thought differently than the average person. I seem to absorb knowledge fast in many subjects (Unfortunately not in spelling or grammar). I also have a knack for seeing through people and events. My greatest gifts are also my greatest enemies. I could never truly part with them though. To fix my problems would be to lose the best of me.

However, never being truly happy bothers me and I would like to think about that more and see if I can find out why...maybe even fix it. It is not depression. I don't believe people are born depressed (regardless of what current society thinks). Plus depression is the wrong word, too powerful of a word. I am just unhappy.

I think maybe part of the problem is I have never felt truly loved. There has never been any deep love that has come in my direction. I am left feeling expendable. Maybe that is because that is exactly how I have been treated by others. There has never been a person who has come into my life that I feel would push me out of the path of an on coming truck and sacrifice themselves because they could not bare the thought of me being injured or killed. Dramatic yes, but it would be nice to feel that kind of love.

Growing up I know that my parents loved me. It just felt conditional. I know that if I pushed far enough and was myself there would only be anger and conflict. The message was (and it was never said, but understood) that love was conditional. I don't even think my parents know that is the message they gave.

I find it odd because the people that I have loved, I have given the love that I want to receive. However some of those people moved on and some in quite harsh ways. I guess it is good that I never sacrificed myself pushing them out of the way of an on coming truck. :)