Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Friday, April 10, 2009
24 hour heart monitor
The 24 hour heart monitor has this diary that it comes with where you put down what you are doing so they know why your heart rate changes. Mine looks completely like I am a nut job.
11:00 pm went to bed
4:20 am woke up heart raced
6:00 am slept on and off from 4:20am till 6:00am
6:36 am first cigarettes of the day
6:52 am Vomitied from sour stomach and anxiety
7:18 am Crying and pacing till 8:30am
This thing stays on me till about 3pm. Right now I feel so weak and wore out. I have only been able to hold down soda. I have had a few mild hot flashes and pin prick feelings in my brain and some dizzyiness.
I cried on the phone to my mom again this morning and decided to come clean about some secrets I have kept from her. I told her I am the one who burned the garage down when I was litte, which she said she already knew. I told her I was molested once that I know of by my cousin who is only a few years older than me. She told me she thinks he was molested by the guy down the street who was later arrested. I told her I was not tramatized by it and she took that well.
Then I told her about the adult videos I did years ago and how in Atlanta I was a escort for a little while. She was not fazed and said everyone makes mistakes and I am no worse than anyone else. So now my mom knows all my secrets.
I am so tired of feeling sick. Mornings are way worse for me for some reason. It is when I am the most sick to my stomach and I feel the most scared. I also feel the weakest because I hardly eat and when I sleep I go all those hour with no food.
I still wonder how I will ever feel better again after all this because even if I do get better it is only a matter of time before I become sick again. We all will get sick and that scares tha crap out of me. I use to be able to ignore that, but now I just can't shake the thought.
My nephew is still in the hospital with his collapsed lung. It has not inflated yet and he might have to have surgery.
When I feel a little better I have to call the cardiologist today because I have to make an appointment.
11:00 pm went to bed
4:20 am woke up heart raced
6:00 am slept on and off from 4:20am till 6:00am
6:36 am first cigarettes of the day
6:52 am Vomitied from sour stomach and anxiety
7:18 am Crying and pacing till 8:30am
This thing stays on me till about 3pm. Right now I feel so weak and wore out. I have only been able to hold down soda. I have had a few mild hot flashes and pin prick feelings in my brain and some dizzyiness.
I cried on the phone to my mom again this morning and decided to come clean about some secrets I have kept from her. I told her I am the one who burned the garage down when I was litte, which she said she already knew. I told her I was molested once that I know of by my cousin who is only a few years older than me. She told me she thinks he was molested by the guy down the street who was later arrested. I told her I was not tramatized by it and she took that well.
Then I told her about the adult videos I did years ago and how in Atlanta I was a escort for a little while. She was not fazed and said everyone makes mistakes and I am no worse than anyone else. So now my mom knows all my secrets.
I am so tired of feeling sick. Mornings are way worse for me for some reason. It is when I am the most sick to my stomach and I feel the most scared. I also feel the weakest because I hardly eat and when I sleep I go all those hour with no food.
I still wonder how I will ever feel better again after all this because even if I do get better it is only a matter of time before I become sick again. We all will get sick and that scares tha crap out of me. I use to be able to ignore that, but now I just can't shake the thought.
My nephew is still in the hospital with his collapsed lung. It has not inflated yet and he might have to have surgery.
When I feel a little better I have to call the cardiologist today because I have to make an appointment.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Heart Tests
So I went and had the echo of my heart. The tech asked why I was having it done and I told her about my fast heart rate. Soon after she started the echo she kept going back to one spot and said "Sometimes the heart can beat fast when there is heart valve damage."
Now does that mean I have heart valve damage? Who knows, I wish she didn't say it though because that is what I am thinking about now. After I asked if I could just call for the results and she was frigidity and said "Well I think the cardiologist will want to see you, so be sure to call him today and make an appointment. Again this makes me think something is wrong. I didn't call today because by the time I got home it was 3:30pm and figured they would be closing at 4pm. So I will call in the morning and make an appointment that I can actually get too since I have to have my father take me and my mom only has certain days off and has her pre-op and surgery coming up. Hopefully I can get in and hopefully nothing is wrong with my heart.
Then after the echo I had them place the 24 hour monitor on me which I am wearing right now. I had one of these when I was 16 years old and I have to say the monitor use to be the size of a giant Walkman, now it is the size of a pager from 1995. It is so much lighter. I checked to see what my heart rate was a little while ago and it was 104, which isn't that bad compared to what it usually is.
When I first got there I was having such bad anxiety I had to go pee three times, threw cold water on my face once and kept pacing around like some mental patient. I started to cry once, but managed to hold it in.
After, my mom came over for an hour and a half and we talked and watched some TV. She told me that she is scared they will want her organs so she is not donating them for the surgery, but if something really happens my father has a form from her to let them take them. I told her that this is a lifetime movie in the making. My heart is failing and I will end up with her heart. She said "Oh God...now I don't want to have surgery." and laughed some.
Tomorrow at 3pm this monitor will be over and my father will come and pick it up and bring it back to the hospital for me.
I am going to try to find something solid to eat. I have no idea what I want, but I do feel like I can eat right now so I better do it while I can. I think I will have soup.
Now does that mean I have heart valve damage? Who knows, I wish she didn't say it though because that is what I am thinking about now. After I asked if I could just call for the results and she was frigidity and said "Well I think the cardiologist will want to see you, so be sure to call him today and make an appointment. Again this makes me think something is wrong. I didn't call today because by the time I got home it was 3:30pm and figured they would be closing at 4pm. So I will call in the morning and make an appointment that I can actually get too since I have to have my father take me and my mom only has certain days off and has her pre-op and surgery coming up. Hopefully I can get in and hopefully nothing is wrong with my heart.
Then after the echo I had them place the 24 hour monitor on me which I am wearing right now. I had one of these when I was 16 years old and I have to say the monitor use to be the size of a giant Walkman, now it is the size of a pager from 1995. It is so much lighter. I checked to see what my heart rate was a little while ago and it was 104, which isn't that bad compared to what it usually is.
When I first got there I was having such bad anxiety I had to go pee three times, threw cold water on my face once and kept pacing around like some mental patient. I started to cry once, but managed to hold it in.
After, my mom came over for an hour and a half and we talked and watched some TV. She told me that she is scared they will want her organs so she is not donating them for the surgery, but if something really happens my father has a form from her to let them take them. I told her that this is a lifetime movie in the making. My heart is failing and I will end up with her heart. She said "Oh God...now I don't want to have surgery." and laughed some.
Tomorrow at 3pm this monitor will be over and my father will come and pick it up and bring it back to the hospital for me.
I am going to try to find something solid to eat. I have no idea what I want, but I do feel like I can eat right now so I better do it while I can. I think I will have soup.
This morning
I woke up this morning and have already thrown up two times. I have not been able to eat any solid food yet. My heart rate is around 124 a minute. I am so sick of my heart rate being so high. It is really scary. No one will completely listen to the fact that my heart rate did not go this high till after I took a paxil on March 4th.
My parents are taking me today to have the heart echo and 24 hour monitor put on. I don't even feel like I have the energy to do this. My normal anxiety plus all this happening is very overwhelming and I pace back and forth in my apartment. I am thinking about staying at my parents house. I don't like being alone. Yet I am really stuck because soon my mom has her surgery to remove her cancer. Some doctors have said "Well maybe you are stressed out about your mom." Which I am, but all this started before she knew she had cancer. My heart, vomiting and that day I fainted all happened before.
Sometimes I am so desperate I am willing to take whatever they hand me to make this all stop. But then I read something like this:
"I was put on Zoloft to treat Hypotension. Three weeks into this I began having seizures. One of my Doctors added a Beta-Blocker into my fourth week of zoloft, because my chest pains had not diminished. Then I was sent to a neurologist. After countless tests and NO answers, he put me on Depekote. Within ten days my seizures changed. I no longer came out of them right away. The worst one - eight hours I could not move anything below my neck, but because I was able to cough when the Doctor asked me to, he believed this was all in my head and sent me to the psych unit of the hospital. This has terrified me. I can't think of any reason why anyone would fake this??????
The second time this happened I went to a different hospital. After I came out of it and talked with the Doctor, he also believed Zoloft started this. (After 4 different ones said NO WAY) I went off all meds, but the seizures have remained with me. (at least 2 a week)
Three weeks ago I started back up on my beta-blocker, because my chest pains had returned (stronger). Six days into that and my seizures came on strong!!!! In three days I had a total of 17. I was admitted into the hospital for seven days. I was hooked up to the EMU for five days. I had no seizures during that time and was sent home. I have been off the beta-blocker for two weeks and have not had any seizures for almost a week and a half. What is the deal? Am I not going to be able to take anything now? I really need help. I'm not sure what to do? Or who I should see??"
and
"I had my first and only 2 seizures on May 14, very scary, and they have since been controlled with Dilantin. Since I never had seizures before and the only medication I was on was Lexapro I am wondering if there is a connection. Anyone else hear anything about this type of reaction with an anti-depressant?"
Then I think maybe I should just go back on a benzo like xanax or valium. But then I know that I started getting this sick when I came off that drug.
My anxiety is so high and I have so many body problems right now. This morning I was walking to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to vomit and with out any warning some came right out of my mouth and into the bathroom sink.
I have a hard time knowing how and what is the "real me". I was on xanax for over a year. Before that I was drinking a lot for 7 years. I can't remember how I was before pills and alcohol. I do know that my heart rate was never this high when I was nervous. I did throw up when I was nervous, but not this much and never was forced into starvation.
I also know that back in 2007 after being on xanax for a few months when I came off I was sick. I couldn't eat and felt like a dead person. That is when I ended up having the blood work to check my liver and the ultrasound of my liver and gallbladder. After a few weeks of feeling awful I started xanax again and like magic it went away.
I also know before I came off xanax I developed a thumping in my throat. That lasted over a month. Once off xanax that thumping has stopped and never returned.
Right now is so hard becasue I am going through all this and people are not hearing me. If my mom asks "well if you are this sick off the meds and the meds can make you sick, what do you want to do?" The answer is I don't know. I don't know what to do.
I feel bad putting stress on my mom right now because she has cancer, but at the same time I feel like I am dying. I can't find anyone with an anxiety disorder who has a constant high heart rate like me for over a month. I keep running into doctors who don't know about medications and that is scary. I should not know more than them in some areas. It leaves me more scared.
I don't know if I can make it till May 8th to see some nurse at the Gastro doctor. I don't know how I am going to be this weak and get through a scope and all those antibiotics to get rid of the H. Pylori.
I assume my heart tests will all come back normal and then they will want to place me on a beta blocker. Then what? Why is my heart going this fast to begin with?
I wish I never took any meds now I am in a nightmare and I fear I will be lost in the nightmare forever till I die or till I am placed back on drugs with them never realizing it was the drugs. I messed up guys by listening to the doctors and now I might pay for it with my life. Be so careful what you take. I am now in such a circle and so ill I will most likely have no choice but to do whatever it is they tell me to do. I don't know if I will end up with a worse disorder like seizures or not.
SSRI's have been linked to sudden cardiac death now. They also can increase your risk of GI bleeding 4 fold. That is why I can't even take an SSRI right now. It can cause rapid heart rate when you start and I already am too high and I think I have an ulcer so I can't risk the GI bleeding effect. The only answer seems to be a benzo. Then what? I go back to normal? If I do no one will believe how sick I was or that it caused it. Will I be stuck on a benzo forever because when I come off my heart can't take it?
I have prayed so much asking God to make it stop and so far the answer is "No"
My parents are taking me today to have the heart echo and 24 hour monitor put on. I don't even feel like I have the energy to do this. My normal anxiety plus all this happening is very overwhelming and I pace back and forth in my apartment. I am thinking about staying at my parents house. I don't like being alone. Yet I am really stuck because soon my mom has her surgery to remove her cancer. Some doctors have said "Well maybe you are stressed out about your mom." Which I am, but all this started before she knew she had cancer. My heart, vomiting and that day I fainted all happened before.
Sometimes I am so desperate I am willing to take whatever they hand me to make this all stop. But then I read something like this:
"I was put on Zoloft to treat Hypotension. Three weeks into this I began having seizures. One of my Doctors added a Beta-Blocker into my fourth week of zoloft, because my chest pains had not diminished. Then I was sent to a neurologist. After countless tests and NO answers, he put me on Depekote. Within ten days my seizures changed. I no longer came out of them right away. The worst one - eight hours I could not move anything below my neck, but because I was able to cough when the Doctor asked me to, he believed this was all in my head and sent me to the psych unit of the hospital. This has terrified me. I can't think of any reason why anyone would fake this??????
The second time this happened I went to a different hospital. After I came out of it and talked with the Doctor, he also believed Zoloft started this. (After 4 different ones said NO WAY) I went off all meds, but the seizures have remained with me. (at least 2 a week)
Three weeks ago I started back up on my beta-blocker, because my chest pains had returned (stronger). Six days into that and my seizures came on strong!!!! In three days I had a total of 17. I was admitted into the hospital for seven days. I was hooked up to the EMU for five days. I had no seizures during that time and was sent home. I have been off the beta-blocker for two weeks and have not had any seizures for almost a week and a half. What is the deal? Am I not going to be able to take anything now? I really need help. I'm not sure what to do? Or who I should see??"
and
"I had my first and only 2 seizures on May 14, very scary, and they have since been controlled with Dilantin. Since I never had seizures before and the only medication I was on was Lexapro I am wondering if there is a connection. Anyone else hear anything about this type of reaction with an anti-depressant?"
Then I think maybe I should just go back on a benzo like xanax or valium. But then I know that I started getting this sick when I came off that drug.
My anxiety is so high and I have so many body problems right now. This morning I was walking to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to vomit and with out any warning some came right out of my mouth and into the bathroom sink.
I have a hard time knowing how and what is the "real me". I was on xanax for over a year. Before that I was drinking a lot for 7 years. I can't remember how I was before pills and alcohol. I do know that my heart rate was never this high when I was nervous. I did throw up when I was nervous, but not this much and never was forced into starvation.
I also know that back in 2007 after being on xanax for a few months when I came off I was sick. I couldn't eat and felt like a dead person. That is when I ended up having the blood work to check my liver and the ultrasound of my liver and gallbladder. After a few weeks of feeling awful I started xanax again and like magic it went away.
I also know before I came off xanax I developed a thumping in my throat. That lasted over a month. Once off xanax that thumping has stopped and never returned.
Right now is so hard becasue I am going through all this and people are not hearing me. If my mom asks "well if you are this sick off the meds and the meds can make you sick, what do you want to do?" The answer is I don't know. I don't know what to do.
I feel bad putting stress on my mom right now because she has cancer, but at the same time I feel like I am dying. I can't find anyone with an anxiety disorder who has a constant high heart rate like me for over a month. I keep running into doctors who don't know about medications and that is scary. I should not know more than them in some areas. It leaves me more scared.
I don't know if I can make it till May 8th to see some nurse at the Gastro doctor. I don't know how I am going to be this weak and get through a scope and all those antibiotics to get rid of the H. Pylori.
I assume my heart tests will all come back normal and then they will want to place me on a beta blocker. Then what? Why is my heart going this fast to begin with?
I wish I never took any meds now I am in a nightmare and I fear I will be lost in the nightmare forever till I die or till I am placed back on drugs with them never realizing it was the drugs. I messed up guys by listening to the doctors and now I might pay for it with my life. Be so careful what you take. I am now in such a circle and so ill I will most likely have no choice but to do whatever it is they tell me to do. I don't know if I will end up with a worse disorder like seizures or not.
SSRI's have been linked to sudden cardiac death now. They also can increase your risk of GI bleeding 4 fold. That is why I can't even take an SSRI right now. It can cause rapid heart rate when you start and I already am too high and I think I have an ulcer so I can't risk the GI bleeding effect. The only answer seems to be a benzo. Then what? I go back to normal? If I do no one will believe how sick I was or that it caused it. Will I be stuck on a benzo forever because when I come off my heart can't take it?
I have prayed so much asking God to make it stop and so far the answer is "No"
Friday, February 13, 2009
Gerson Therapy - Tape 1
I like to watch different alternative views on different subjects. I just got done watching this today on google video. It most likely will not be up forever, so take time to watch it if you wish. Take what is helpful from it for you and leave the rest behind.
Where is Brian?
Back in Dec. I started feeling a lump in my throat down at the base where it connects to the chest. It is not a lump you can feel with your fingers, but more on the inside. It started out as a thumping that would come and go. After about a month and a half it slowed down and seemed to be going away. Recently it has returned and become more pronounced. The feeling of it has changed though it is more of a fluttering in my throat. If anything it seems more heart related now, but I am unsure what it is or where it is coming from.
For a long time I kept blowing it off as stress related and maybe some how it is. However since it is getting worse and there now seems to be a dull pain I have made a doctors appointment for next Wednesday at 1:30pm. I assume I will have to do some tests and hopefully it is nothing to difficult like having a tube put down my throat eventually for them to look. I have enough anxiety without things like that being done to me.
I have not been on cam and I think most of the people who pop in my room don't check the blog, but for those of you who do I am not on because I do not feel very well at all and I am also scared about what is happening with my body and the last thing I want it to be on cam. So for now it is facing out the window. I don't know when or if I will return to lifecasting. I might just stick with the blog or with youtube. Having a camera on me all the time for me is a very draining experience...at least at this time.
Locally I don't have many friends and even some of the ones that I do have I have not been able to bring myself to see. The truth is I think I would break down and cry in front of them out of no place and I am not comfortable with that. Meeting new people with all this going on has been hard and since I can't be happy and a good time for them I don't want to scare them off by appearing like a complete mess. I have been very isolated for months now and it is wearing me down. Besides seeing my mom a few times the only other people I see is the cashiers at a store. Some people have offered to see me, but for reasons above I just can't bring myself to see them. I have this habit of acting. My whole life I think I have been wearing a mask for others and the truth is some of the people that think they know me..esp. if they have known me for years really don't know me at all. It was all masked by alcohol back then and being who I was at the clubs. I know some people don't understand that and I have accepted that they don't.
There is this girl from my past that I lost touch with, someone who really knows all sides of me. I never had to act around her and she was always very excepting of who I am and my limits in this life. I never felt judged by her and she never questioned my reasons for how I am or why I do what I do. If I was completely str8 I think I would have tried to marry her. We drifted apart about 6 years ago, she had her issues and I had mine. It just sorta happened. Recently I have had this little voice in my head telling me to contact her. I couldn't even remember why it was that we didn't talk. I didn't remember if she was mad at me for some reason. I use to drink a lot back then and can not remember every event in my life clearly so I was unsure if I pissed her off and that is why we drifted. Yet she is the only person I could think of that I didn't feel I had to act around. So last night I bit the bullet and contacted her.
Below is my email and her reply (with parts of her reply left out to protect her identity)
"I really need to see you and I know that request is out of no place..but I wouldn't ask unless I really needed you. I know we have drifted apart once again. But you are the only one I can think of to talk to right now and you know me better than most people on this planet. Whatever the reason you are mad at me (If you even are) I hope we can put it behind us. I could really use you in my life right now. If I did or said anything to upset you in the past whatever it was I am sorry.
Brian"
"Hi Brian,
I am not mad at you at all - I think we just drifted off again...things get busy, it happens. I would love to see you, I haven't seen you in so long. I recently moved down south in ***** County, but I still work up here. When do you want to meet? I teach ****** on Saturday until noon - would you like to have lunch afterwards? I ditched Nextel and got the iPhone - my new number is *******.
I would love to say I hope all is well, but it doesn't sound like it. Whatever it is we'll work through it.
Love,
******"
I cried my eyes out when she responded it was such a relief. I didn't really expect her to reply. So I wrote back and hopefully sometime this weekend we can see each other. She was there for me when my lung issue happened years ago and I really need someone right now..so I am hoping that this can work out.
For a long time I kept blowing it off as stress related and maybe some how it is. However since it is getting worse and there now seems to be a dull pain I have made a doctors appointment for next Wednesday at 1:30pm. I assume I will have to do some tests and hopefully it is nothing to difficult like having a tube put down my throat eventually for them to look. I have enough anxiety without things like that being done to me.
I have not been on cam and I think most of the people who pop in my room don't check the blog, but for those of you who do I am not on because I do not feel very well at all and I am also scared about what is happening with my body and the last thing I want it to be on cam. So for now it is facing out the window. I don't know when or if I will return to lifecasting. I might just stick with the blog or with youtube. Having a camera on me all the time for me is a very draining experience...at least at this time.
Locally I don't have many friends and even some of the ones that I do have I have not been able to bring myself to see. The truth is I think I would break down and cry in front of them out of no place and I am not comfortable with that. Meeting new people with all this going on has been hard and since I can't be happy and a good time for them I don't want to scare them off by appearing like a complete mess. I have been very isolated for months now and it is wearing me down. Besides seeing my mom a few times the only other people I see is the cashiers at a store. Some people have offered to see me, but for reasons above I just can't bring myself to see them. I have this habit of acting. My whole life I think I have been wearing a mask for others and the truth is some of the people that think they know me..esp. if they have known me for years really don't know me at all. It was all masked by alcohol back then and being who I was at the clubs. I know some people don't understand that and I have accepted that they don't.
There is this girl from my past that I lost touch with, someone who really knows all sides of me. I never had to act around her and she was always very excepting of who I am and my limits in this life. I never felt judged by her and she never questioned my reasons for how I am or why I do what I do. If I was completely str8 I think I would have tried to marry her. We drifted apart about 6 years ago, she had her issues and I had mine. It just sorta happened. Recently I have had this little voice in my head telling me to contact her. I couldn't even remember why it was that we didn't talk. I didn't remember if she was mad at me for some reason. I use to drink a lot back then and can not remember every event in my life clearly so I was unsure if I pissed her off and that is why we drifted. Yet she is the only person I could think of that I didn't feel I had to act around. So last night I bit the bullet and contacted her.
Below is my email and her reply (with parts of her reply left out to protect her identity)
"I really need to see you and I know that request is out of no place..but I wouldn't ask unless I really needed you. I know we have drifted apart once again. But you are the only one I can think of to talk to right now and you know me better than most people on this planet. Whatever the reason you are mad at me (If you even are) I hope we can put it behind us. I could really use you in my life right now. If I did or said anything to upset you in the past whatever it was I am sorry.
Brian"
"Hi Brian,
I am not mad at you at all - I think we just drifted off again...things get busy, it happens. I would love to see you, I haven't seen you in so long. I recently moved down south in ***** County, but I still work up here. When do you want to meet? I teach ****** on Saturday until noon - would you like to have lunch afterwards? I ditched Nextel and got the iPhone - my new number is *******.
I would love to say I hope all is well, but it doesn't sound like it. Whatever it is we'll work through it.
Love,
******"
I cried my eyes out when she responded it was such a relief. I didn't really expect her to reply. So I wrote back and hopefully sometime this weekend we can see each other. She was there for me when my lung issue happened years ago and I really need someone right now..so I am hoping that this can work out.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment
Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment
For more information go to http://www.kanziuscancerresearch.com
For more information go to http://www.kanziuscancerresearch.com
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Taking a break from cam
I am taking a break from cam on justin.tv for at least a week. I have been very slowly tapering off xanax and I am sick from it. I don't feel like being on cam and my sleep is all messed up still, so I just need some time to get through this.
Sometimes I feel completely fine, but other times I feel so ill. I have been through something similar when I came off paxil....though xanax must be a much slower taper because it carries more dangerous withdrawal.
Don't worry about the taper because I am going slower with it than doctors say to.
This is why in many of my youtube videos and past writings I have told people to really look into all side effects and withdrawal effects of drugs prescribed by their doctors. Some people have less issue coming off than others. I happen to be one of those people that suffer a great deal coming off things.
For those of you who email me or instant message me I will be on and off AIM and I will write back at moments where I feel good. I am hoping this sickness does not last too long and I should be completely off xanax in 20 days or so.
About a month ago (and some of you know about this) I developed a thumping in my throat under my adams apple. Being scared the first thing I did was quit smoking. Stopping seemed to have no effect on it. I was not able to stay off cigarettes and returned to smoking. The thumping continued. The only thing that was different in my life besides the stress of my break up was that I had increased my xanax intake soon after my xbf broke up with me. (Keep in mind the increase was still less than what the doctor wanted me to be taking per day.)
I was taking xanax every 8 hour, instead of every 12 hours like I use to. As I slowly started to taper off I noticed my throat was thumping less, then thumping at half the strength it was before. I am now back at every 12 hours and their is little to no thumping at all (so far). However I feel like complete crap and going to be holding the taper at every 12 hours for the next few days till my body adjusts. Then move to every 13hrs etc etc.
Here is the list of withdrawal effects I am experiencing:
Tingling arms and legs on and off.
Increased Anxiety.
No hunger.
Feeling like I am going to throw up, but I haven't yet.
Vivid dreams.
Insomnia (more than normal for me)
Moments that last a few second to a few mins where I feel like I am going to completely crack and lose my mind.
Waves of crying that come and go.
Feeling half dead.
Shaky.
Hot and cold flashes on and off.
Feeling feverish.
I have been on and off this pill since Nov of 2007 (mostly on), but thankfully I have been on a low dose. I feel for the people that have to come off high doses because I don't think I could do it. Many people have to go on an anti-depressant to get through it and for me I hope it does not come to that. In my life I am no stranger to withdrawal all I can say is it sucks beyond anything and for your own sake try not to take medications or drugs that can cause this...it can be a living nightmare.
While on xanax I have had many "mystery illnesses" that for me could have been side effects from the drug itself. The longer you are on it the more your body adapts to it...people can even start to have withdrawal between doses because the body breaks it down faster after awhile.
I noticed when I was quitting smoking it was harder not to smoke soon after taking xanax, because it is almost like if you are a smoker and drink alcohol. The alcohol will make you crave more cigarettes. I believe xanax has helped with my lack of willpower over smoking so for now the quitting smoking will be moved to the back burner till I can get off this drug. I don't think at this point I will ever swallow this type of pill again. I rather deal with the panic attacks than this...at least they stop after 30 mins or so....this just goes on and on.
All I know at this point is I want my life back and not be "hooked" to anything. So if you are someone who prays all I want is for you to pray for my strength to get through this.
I will be in touch. If you email me and I don't answer right away don't worry I will as soon as I have the energy and the mental clarity to do it. I will be ok.
Sometimes I feel completely fine, but other times I feel so ill. I have been through something similar when I came off paxil....though xanax must be a much slower taper because it carries more dangerous withdrawal.
Don't worry about the taper because I am going slower with it than doctors say to.
This is why in many of my youtube videos and past writings I have told people to really look into all side effects and withdrawal effects of drugs prescribed by their doctors. Some people have less issue coming off than others. I happen to be one of those people that suffer a great deal coming off things.
For those of you who email me or instant message me I will be on and off AIM and I will write back at moments where I feel good. I am hoping this sickness does not last too long and I should be completely off xanax in 20 days or so.
About a month ago (and some of you know about this) I developed a thumping in my throat under my adams apple. Being scared the first thing I did was quit smoking. Stopping seemed to have no effect on it. I was not able to stay off cigarettes and returned to smoking. The thumping continued. The only thing that was different in my life besides the stress of my break up was that I had increased my xanax intake soon after my xbf broke up with me. (Keep in mind the increase was still less than what the doctor wanted me to be taking per day.)
I was taking xanax every 8 hour, instead of every 12 hours like I use to. As I slowly started to taper off I noticed my throat was thumping less, then thumping at half the strength it was before. I am now back at every 12 hours and their is little to no thumping at all (so far). However I feel like complete crap and going to be holding the taper at every 12 hours for the next few days till my body adjusts. Then move to every 13hrs etc etc.
Here is the list of withdrawal effects I am experiencing:
Tingling arms and legs on and off.
Increased Anxiety.
No hunger.
Feeling like I am going to throw up, but I haven't yet.
Vivid dreams.
Insomnia (more than normal for me)
Moments that last a few second to a few mins where I feel like I am going to completely crack and lose my mind.
Waves of crying that come and go.
Feeling half dead.
Shaky.
Hot and cold flashes on and off.
Feeling feverish.
I have been on and off this pill since Nov of 2007 (mostly on), but thankfully I have been on a low dose. I feel for the people that have to come off high doses because I don't think I could do it. Many people have to go on an anti-depressant to get through it and for me I hope it does not come to that. In my life I am no stranger to withdrawal all I can say is it sucks beyond anything and for your own sake try not to take medications or drugs that can cause this...it can be a living nightmare.
While on xanax I have had many "mystery illnesses" that for me could have been side effects from the drug itself. The longer you are on it the more your body adapts to it...people can even start to have withdrawal between doses because the body breaks it down faster after awhile.
I noticed when I was quitting smoking it was harder not to smoke soon after taking xanax, because it is almost like if you are a smoker and drink alcohol. The alcohol will make you crave more cigarettes. I believe xanax has helped with my lack of willpower over smoking so for now the quitting smoking will be moved to the back burner till I can get off this drug. I don't think at this point I will ever swallow this type of pill again. I rather deal with the panic attacks than this...at least they stop after 30 mins or so....this just goes on and on.
All I know at this point is I want my life back and not be "hooked" to anything. So if you are someone who prays all I want is for you to pray for my strength to get through this.
I will be in touch. If you email me and I don't answer right away don't worry I will as soon as I have the energy and the mental clarity to do it. I will be ok.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
New Blog Feature
There is a new blog feature I added. If you look to the upper right you will see a chat button. When it says "Send Email" I am offline and you can email me. When the button says "Call Now" I am available to talk on the phone and you will be connected to my home phone. I kept the price of the feature as low as possible, but phone calls to me will be 85 cents a minute.
But if your ever just want to chat and the "Call Now" button is on feel free to call.
But if your ever just want to chat and the "Call Now" button is on feel free to call.
Monday, January 12, 2009
My Father
I thought several days about writing this blog entry. It is personal and very exposing. Why I even keep and open diary online blog is beyond me. Maybe because I want to help others in the same situation. Maybe because I just want people to know. Maybe I have become too tired of holding in all the secrets that I do so I have let some leak out. Though most of them I will take to the grave.
I grew up in a not so emotionally well household. It was not the worst and compared to other stories I have heard about other peoples family's mine was a picnic. I can only write down things that I remember going through and my own life experiences. I am not looking for pity. I am simply just telling a story of me. Someday I might decide I am done with the blog and it will all go away. Though I have learned on the internet nothing ever really goes away.
I will leave my mother out of this story for the most part because although she has played a major role in shaping my life, not always for the good, I feel that she is more a victim of her own life and did the best she could and still does. I understand why she has made the choices she has made and though at times I wish she understood me more or would change I can accept her flaws because she does and has tried to change. Even if she never gets there I can at least know she tries in her way.
I assume my father is also a victim of his up bringing I mean isn't everyone? I know very little about my father. I could tell you very little about what his actually job is, his likes or dislikes. I know next to nothing about his childhood and when I have asked growing up he only said "I don't remember". I know very little of where he lived, what he did while he was in high school or college. Except that he ran track. I know that detail because once we went to a college reunion when I was a child and because in high school I was pretty much forced to join track because he had done it when he was in school.
He never says much of anything, no friends and just reads books. That much I know. I also know that he hardly throws out mail. At my parents house the whole basement is just pretty much boxes of mail. In one room down there the mail goes to the ceiling and their is only a little path from the door in that room that leads to the closet. The closet also filled with mail.
In the outside world my father is very quiet, but that is completely different than how he is at home. He yelled all the time when I was growing up. His anger has slowed down over the years, maybe from getting older or because I am not there. My mother says he yells less now, but she also says she has learned to ignore him. So maybe it just seems like less. Maybe she has mastered the art of avoiding his triggers.
Other than spanking and being hit a few times with a belt growing up he never beat me. To younger people that might sound awful in itself, but you have to remember this was and still is acceptable (in some family's) to do to punish a child. So for that I have no issue. Depending on if I deserved the spanking at times is debatable.
From here all I can do is tell random stories and comments made so you can get an over all picture of my childhood with him.
When my mother would take out pots and pans to cook, if one should slide out of the lower cabinet and hit the floor my father would come tearing up the basement stairs shouting "What broke!! What broke!!" To which my mother would say "Nothing it was just the pan I am making dinner." and he would then say something like "These cabinets are too cluttered!!" and then angrily start ripping the pans out of the cabinet onto the floor in a hast to reorganize them. Pretty much any noise would cause him to fly into his yelling rage. He came tearing up the basement stairs often or down stairs depending on where he was in the house.
When I would pour milk or anything into a glass he would stand over me or around me carefully watching, either saying nothing or telling me not to spill it. I remember being so nervous that sometimes I was pouring so carefully that the liquid would run down the side. That of course would cause him to go into a yelling fit.
There is this one time when I was 5 or 6 years old that I had a stomach virus. My mother had taken a part time job in the evenings at a gift shop so my father watched me at night. Having the stomach virus I accidentally messed myself. I was too scared to tell him. So I sat in it for hours, sitting on a pillow on the floor, coloring with a pencil in my coloring book till my mom got home.
We had went on a vacation to Delaware when I was about 8 years old. On the way back to NY I felt car sick, but my parents felt like eating in a restaurant. Soon after we ordered the food (it was an Italian restaurant) the smell of other peoples food was turning my stomach more. So I told my mom I was going to throw up. She told my father to take me to the bathroom. Half way to the bathroom in the restaurant I started to throw up, I cover my mouth to try to keep it in, but of course some came out. I got to the bathroom and vomited as my father spanked and yelled at me for getting sick.
I use to wet the bed almost every night till age 11. Looking back on it now I believe a lot of it had to do with stress living in that house. Every morning my mother would take my sheets off the bed and if possible would hide the fact that I wet the bed from my father so he would not fly into a yelling fit. When he did find out that I had, which was often he would yell at me about it, or sit there in his quiet anger stewing, but it was known that he was mad. He would tell me I was doing in on purpose and was just to lazy to get up to go and that the sheets would be hung on the clothes line so that all the neighbors would know that I was wetting the bed. Though he has never told me this, so I am not sure how true it is, my mother told me that when he was little he use to wet the bed. Sometimes my mom makes stuff up though so I don't know if it is true.
I was a very thin child almost too thin. When puberty hit I remember eating a lot more and he was mad one day about how much milk I had drank and that I was just being "a god damn pig." The amount of food I would go through would make him angry.
I use to play little league like many boys. I remember most the kids wanting their parents there when they played to watch them. I was relieved when mine weren't there. I think I played better when I was left alone. My father never told me good job or encouraged me. He only would tell me what I did wrong or say nothing at all. Sometimes even seeming burdened by the fact he had to take me. He never taught me how to play baseball my mother did. She got a few broken boards and cut an old pool hose to make me a baseball tee in the backyard. Later she would throw the ball to me so I could practice hitting. I only did little league for a few years. So scared of messing up I made sure I was as far out in outfield as I could be. Some days I was so stressed out about having to go I would fake being sick so my mother would keep me home.
My mom being a mom told me not to fight. My father in my opinion being my father should have taught me how to stand up for myself. Instead he would display great anger anytime I was mildly aggressive. In turn when I went to school I was the target of other children. I never fought back, I was scared of them and scared that if I fought back I would get hurt or in trouble at home. I never told my parents even to this day the extent of me being teased which ranged from me being tripped and hit by other kids to have a gun put to my head in a bathroom in middle school. The teasing for the most part stopped as soon as I got to high school. I started hanging out with the druggie, smoking, drinking crowd and that seemed to keep me safe.
At about age 14 we had a cordless phone and for those of you old enough to remember the antenna use to be metal and pulled open and closed. One day I was waiting for a friend to call me back. The antenna was mostly closed and I was watching TV. The phone was resting against my chin. My father came in the living room and started screaming to get the phone out of my mouth. Being a teenager I was getting tired of him. I told him it was not in my mouth and that sent him into a rage. He started screaming in my face over and over "Take the phone out of your mouth!" So close that his spit was landing on me as he yelled while he shook his fist in my face like he was going to punch me. He often would do that shaking his fist close to me. I remember saying "Hit me..stop threatening it and do it. But when you do hit me, I am going to hit you back, I am younger than you and I promise it will be a fight you will lose, then I will call the police and have you arrested followed by calling child protective services." He continued yelling and left the room. After that day he never shook his fist in my face again.
Growing up when I would go out to eat with both my parents I was constantly judged on how I ate. The most common theme was "Someday you will have a girlfriend and what will her parents think of how you eat?" Looking back I was eating normal, but how others viewed us was very important to them. When I got older and ate at a friends house it was very difficult for me to do. I would be told by other people "That is why you are so thin because you don't eat." They were wrong, I just couldn't eat much around them. I was basically choking the food down feeling judged with every bite. Later when I did have serious girlfriends I never once ate with their family. I just couldn't the anxiety was so high. Even with friends family's at this point I would go out to eat with them at a pizza place. Worried I would be judged for not eating enough and worried I would be judged for how I ate... I would eat two slices of pizza and feel so sick. I would go to the restaurant bathroom and throw up quickly then come back to the table to eat more so it would appear I ate a normal amount. Most of my friends parents were heavy set people so even then they ate way more then I ever could in one sitting.
When I was little I remember my parents having a big fight late one night and my mom came in my bedroom and said we are leaving and to collect the toys I wanted. I of course took my bear that would play music if you turned the key in his back. A few other toys and since I did not have enough room in the paper bag by mother had given me to pack in I took one piece of a puzzle I had to remember it by. I remember feeling scared that we were leaving, but even at that young age happy. I was scared as my mother and I walked the dark streets heading downtown in the cold. I can only assume we were walking to her friends house that she worked with back then because she was an older black woman who lived downtown. My father caught up in the car and kept yelling for my mother to get in the car and of course we did. Growing up most children fear that their parents would get divorced...I use to pray for it.
Before I could drive my father would sometimes drive me to the mall, usually with great annoyance that he had to take me. This was before the internet so again for those of you too young to remember the mall is where we hung out. This one time however I was just going by myself to buy clothes for school I assume. On the way up there he started screaming and yelling about something. What I can't remember, but most likely that he had to take me. I told him not to bother waiting for me I would take the bus home. I did not at that point want to be around him and he demanded I not take the bus home. I ran away from him in the parking lot of the mall and he chased me, but I was quick and got away. I got to a payphone in the mall and called my mother to tell her about what happened and she was mad that he was acting that way. I did not go home that night. I took the bus to a friends house and stayed there. My mother never learned to drive so it was only him that could take me places and he was always quick to tell me he was not a taxi service. For a reference point the mall was only a few miles from our house. I also hardly asked for a ride unless I needed to be picked up from a friends house after dark. Most of the time I did take the bus.
In my teenage years I had a best friend. His mother for some reason let me spend every weekend there. Our families knew each other from church. In the summer I just pretty much stayed there the whole time. I did not want to go home. I remember my mother having my father give my friends mother money since I was eating her food. I actually felt bad staying there so much and her kids were trouble makers so while she was at work I would clean her clothes and do all the dishes. I felt that if I earned my keep and was really nice she would let me keep staying. For the most part she did.
When I had lung surgery in the year 2000 I was not allowed to drive a car for months after if it had an airbag. My fathers car did not have the passenger side airbag so I was able to sit in the front seat. About a month after my surgery he was driving me home to my apartment where I lived with a friend of mine. As we were going down the highway he started yelling about something. Again I can't remember what it was...he usually yells about things that are so stupid they aren't worth remembering. I do know that at one point he was not paying attention and almost drove the car under a tracker trailer. So I yelled at him to pay attention. I told him I just had lung surgery will you please just stop (the pain at the time was still very real even with medication) and that is when he said "You probably faked that too." referring to my lung surgery which he was there for. I think I said something to the affect of yea all the doctors were in on it. I didn't speak to my parents for a few days and my mom must have had my sister call me because my sister and I never talk (she is my half sister from my moms first marriage). My sister said to me that they were getting older and that is just the way he is. I am lead back into things by guilt often so I resumed contact.
My father once accused me of hitting my mother. I told him "I never hit her." and he said "Oh yes you do..you just don't remember." I told her about that and she said "I don't know what the hell he is talking about."
There is so much more I could say and so many more stories to tell, but by now you get the idea. He still yells, but mostly at my mother. At times he will pick a fight with me and it causes flash backs of my childhood and how scared and helpless I felt. I could never stay mad at him long because my mother would always force me to hug him goodbye if I was angry with him or tell me how I can't stay mad at him .."because what if he was killed in a car crash while you were mad...you would never forgive yourself and have to live with that forever." Seems like I was always the one saying I was sorry or we acted as if nothing had taken place at all.
Because my father pays for me (esp. in recent years) because I am unable to hold a job I have had to keep in contact with him. I figured once I was older and out of the house that I myself could have a relationship with him. So I would email him things to look at or send him an email about something. He would read it and look, but never write back. He never calls me, but I would call him at work to talk to him or if my mom was busy when I called the house I would speak to him about myself because he never has any wisdom to share with me or any of his own stories to tell. Actually he will email me when they go on a trip, he will send me where they will be and what the train numbers are, if he thinks he is owed money he will send a bill to the penny, and he will forward pictures my sister sends him of my great nephew (which my mom tells him to do since she does not have an email account).
For many years I use to have nightmares about having to move back home or go home on holidays when I was at college. Even sometimes being in their house even now I can't breath. I started to realize last year that my attempts to have a relationship with him was one sided. He hands over money that is all. If he was poor and could not have helped me at all I doubt I would have kept contact as long as I have. But with taking money, comes guilt, it makes you feel like you owe someone. I have allowed him to yell and treat me at times harshly because I am in no situation at the current time to negotiate. Most people have no idea how hard it is when I have to ask for extra money. Last year after I had the flu I had to get an antibiotic. Thankfully the nurse I see is understanding and only charges me $20 for the visit. But medication is a different story. So the first round of pills I had to take when the flu passed was because I developed an infection in my lung (same one I had surgery on). They were only $45 dollars and generic so not to bad over all. However they did not work, so I had to return a week later to the doctors office and they had to give me an antibiotic that is not yet sold as a generic. (Thankfully this year it will be.) The pills were going to cost $220. The office checked to see if they had samples for me, but they didn't. So from the parking lot of the pharmacy I had to call my father and tell him how much they were. There was never any concern that I was sick. There never is. Just an angry sigh and a "FINE!! FINE!! JUST GET THEM!!". After awhile or maybe I am just sensitive, but I start to feel empty inside and vacant and guilty.
The other day my mother called me with him screaming and carrying on in the background about some collection agency that had called and said I owed $109 from 2005 for Readers Digest Magazine. He was shouting about how he now had to pay it. I told her I never even had that magazine. I also check my credit report every year and nothing from them is on the reports so I know damn well they don't have my social security number and just are tracking people by name. It is not like my name is completely uncommon in the city I live in. He then started to dictate in the background what I can and cannot do online, what I can order and what I can't. My mother was yelling back at him to stop and saying I said it is not mine and not to pay it. He continued shouting "NO!! NO!! I AM JUST GOING TO PAY IT!!" I hung up.
I had waited a week before I told my mother that I had quit smoking. I wanted to make sure it was more than a 48 hour deal. I was feeling better about it so when I went to visit her the day before I told her. She of course told my father as well. High stress situations is not something someone deals with best when they are quitting smoking, alcohol or any drug for that matter. From experience I know this.
Him screaming like that lit a rage inside me and so I called back. My mother answered and I said "Put him on the phone now." He came on yelling and so I was a lot louder to shut him up. I don't remember everything I said, but I know I told him if I find out he ever pays that bill to forget any form of relationship with me because I am tired of him bitching that he is an ATM machine and I would have to listen to his mouth about how he had to pay yet another bill (esp. since it was not even mine) that I would be the one to call them back and fix the situation. He started yelling again. I told him to "shut up, just shut up I am so tired of you, in case you had not realized dad we have a very fragile relationship...one that I hold together..I email you, you never write back, you never call me I only call you and I am sick of your bullshit..all you ever did my entire life is yell at me and made me a nervous wreck". I also said "You want to yell at someone yell at mom since she for some unknown reason has stayed with you all these years, but you are not going to yell at me anymore. I am an adult and you sure as hell are not going to dictate to me what I do and do not do." I doubt he even heard half of what I said because he kept interrupting yelling back and I had to keep saying "Shut Up!!". Eventually I hung up on him. I went to the store and got two chocolate milks and pork skins. I just needed to get out in the cold air.
When I got home my mother had called me so I called her back. She was mad at him for carrying on and in the bedroom staying away from him. I told her that I wanted a hand written letter of apology from him and for it to be mailed to me if he ever wanted me to speak to him again. That I was done. She refused to tell him that and said that no man would do that. My point in making him do that was two part at the time. 1) When I was 14 years old and threatened to call the police on him he stopped shaking his fist in my face so I thought making him do something like that would make him think twice about acting that way again towards me. 2) That I assume it would be very hard for him to do, after all he has never said he was sorry for anything. Maybe in anger I wanted him to feel as demoralized as he has in the past made me feel.
The phone conversation ended with my mother and I didn't know what to do with myself. Completely unprepared for that level of stress so soon after I quit smoking. I stuck a patch on and most of the day wore that. I could not shake the anger, the resurfacing memories of my childhood, the guilt and the anger at myself that I am stuck in a situation I do not want to be in. So while on camera I told everyone that I was going to the store to buy a candy bar. People who know we well online know damn well what I was doing, but were polite not to say anything. I bought a pack of cigarettes and started smoking. Then of course I was mad at myself.
That night I slept poorly and was not on cam much yesterday, having got so upset I couldn't really eat much food. Last night I put the patch back on determined I just had a misstep and I would just stop again. I slept 3 hours last night and have been up sense. I took the patch off and went to get cigarettes. I just can't stop at this moment in time, but I will again and hopefully very soon. I didn't even want to tell anyone that I smoked again because I am angry at myself for giving in to it.
This morning I told my mother that I was smoking again. She thinks that I shouldn't have smoked because of him and that I should have "rised above" and maybe I should have, but I couldn't. I was too angry and at that point I could have cared less about my own well being.
I have had a few days to think about it and I have decided I am done with my father (I will be decent acting when forced to be around him). I explained that to my mother on the phone and for now she agrees. I made it clear that it is not a passing phase. That a week from now I don't want her calling me saying "You should talk to him after all he is paying your bills." She claims she won't, but I know her and of course she will. She said "you can't change him" and I said "I know I can't, but I don't have to accept him anymore or condone his behavior, I am tired of a one sided relationship and feeling like crap about myself." I told her that "I love him because he is my father, but I don't respect him and he disappoints me." She agreed. So to answer that age old statement "What if something happens to him? You would never forgive yourself." Yes I would.
I grew up in a not so emotionally well household. It was not the worst and compared to other stories I have heard about other peoples family's mine was a picnic. I can only write down things that I remember going through and my own life experiences. I am not looking for pity. I am simply just telling a story of me. Someday I might decide I am done with the blog and it will all go away. Though I have learned on the internet nothing ever really goes away.
I will leave my mother out of this story for the most part because although she has played a major role in shaping my life, not always for the good, I feel that she is more a victim of her own life and did the best she could and still does. I understand why she has made the choices she has made and though at times I wish she understood me more or would change I can accept her flaws because she does and has tried to change. Even if she never gets there I can at least know she tries in her way.
I assume my father is also a victim of his up bringing I mean isn't everyone? I know very little about my father. I could tell you very little about what his actually job is, his likes or dislikes. I know next to nothing about his childhood and when I have asked growing up he only said "I don't remember". I know very little of where he lived, what he did while he was in high school or college. Except that he ran track. I know that detail because once we went to a college reunion when I was a child and because in high school I was pretty much forced to join track because he had done it when he was in school.
He never says much of anything, no friends and just reads books. That much I know. I also know that he hardly throws out mail. At my parents house the whole basement is just pretty much boxes of mail. In one room down there the mail goes to the ceiling and their is only a little path from the door in that room that leads to the closet. The closet also filled with mail.
In the outside world my father is very quiet, but that is completely different than how he is at home. He yelled all the time when I was growing up. His anger has slowed down over the years, maybe from getting older or because I am not there. My mother says he yells less now, but she also says she has learned to ignore him. So maybe it just seems like less. Maybe she has mastered the art of avoiding his triggers.
Other than spanking and being hit a few times with a belt growing up he never beat me. To younger people that might sound awful in itself, but you have to remember this was and still is acceptable (in some family's) to do to punish a child. So for that I have no issue. Depending on if I deserved the spanking at times is debatable.
From here all I can do is tell random stories and comments made so you can get an over all picture of my childhood with him.
When my mother would take out pots and pans to cook, if one should slide out of the lower cabinet and hit the floor my father would come tearing up the basement stairs shouting "What broke!! What broke!!" To which my mother would say "Nothing it was just the pan I am making dinner." and he would then say something like "These cabinets are too cluttered!!" and then angrily start ripping the pans out of the cabinet onto the floor in a hast to reorganize them. Pretty much any noise would cause him to fly into his yelling rage. He came tearing up the basement stairs often or down stairs depending on where he was in the house.
When I would pour milk or anything into a glass he would stand over me or around me carefully watching, either saying nothing or telling me not to spill it. I remember being so nervous that sometimes I was pouring so carefully that the liquid would run down the side. That of course would cause him to go into a yelling fit.
There is this one time when I was 5 or 6 years old that I had a stomach virus. My mother had taken a part time job in the evenings at a gift shop so my father watched me at night. Having the stomach virus I accidentally messed myself. I was too scared to tell him. So I sat in it for hours, sitting on a pillow on the floor, coloring with a pencil in my coloring book till my mom got home.
We had went on a vacation to Delaware when I was about 8 years old. On the way back to NY I felt car sick, but my parents felt like eating in a restaurant. Soon after we ordered the food (it was an Italian restaurant) the smell of other peoples food was turning my stomach more. So I told my mom I was going to throw up. She told my father to take me to the bathroom. Half way to the bathroom in the restaurant I started to throw up, I cover my mouth to try to keep it in, but of course some came out. I got to the bathroom and vomited as my father spanked and yelled at me for getting sick.
I use to wet the bed almost every night till age 11. Looking back on it now I believe a lot of it had to do with stress living in that house. Every morning my mother would take my sheets off the bed and if possible would hide the fact that I wet the bed from my father so he would not fly into a yelling fit. When he did find out that I had, which was often he would yell at me about it, or sit there in his quiet anger stewing, but it was known that he was mad. He would tell me I was doing in on purpose and was just to lazy to get up to go and that the sheets would be hung on the clothes line so that all the neighbors would know that I was wetting the bed. Though he has never told me this, so I am not sure how true it is, my mother told me that when he was little he use to wet the bed. Sometimes my mom makes stuff up though so I don't know if it is true.
I was a very thin child almost too thin. When puberty hit I remember eating a lot more and he was mad one day about how much milk I had drank and that I was just being "a god damn pig." The amount of food I would go through would make him angry.
I use to play little league like many boys. I remember most the kids wanting their parents there when they played to watch them. I was relieved when mine weren't there. I think I played better when I was left alone. My father never told me good job or encouraged me. He only would tell me what I did wrong or say nothing at all. Sometimes even seeming burdened by the fact he had to take me. He never taught me how to play baseball my mother did. She got a few broken boards and cut an old pool hose to make me a baseball tee in the backyard. Later she would throw the ball to me so I could practice hitting. I only did little league for a few years. So scared of messing up I made sure I was as far out in outfield as I could be. Some days I was so stressed out about having to go I would fake being sick so my mother would keep me home.
My mom being a mom told me not to fight. My father in my opinion being my father should have taught me how to stand up for myself. Instead he would display great anger anytime I was mildly aggressive. In turn when I went to school I was the target of other children. I never fought back, I was scared of them and scared that if I fought back I would get hurt or in trouble at home. I never told my parents even to this day the extent of me being teased which ranged from me being tripped and hit by other kids to have a gun put to my head in a bathroom in middle school. The teasing for the most part stopped as soon as I got to high school. I started hanging out with the druggie, smoking, drinking crowd and that seemed to keep me safe.
At about age 14 we had a cordless phone and for those of you old enough to remember the antenna use to be metal and pulled open and closed. One day I was waiting for a friend to call me back. The antenna was mostly closed and I was watching TV. The phone was resting against my chin. My father came in the living room and started screaming to get the phone out of my mouth. Being a teenager I was getting tired of him. I told him it was not in my mouth and that sent him into a rage. He started screaming in my face over and over "Take the phone out of your mouth!" So close that his spit was landing on me as he yelled while he shook his fist in my face like he was going to punch me. He often would do that shaking his fist close to me. I remember saying "Hit me..stop threatening it and do it. But when you do hit me, I am going to hit you back, I am younger than you and I promise it will be a fight you will lose, then I will call the police and have you arrested followed by calling child protective services." He continued yelling and left the room. After that day he never shook his fist in my face again.
Growing up when I would go out to eat with both my parents I was constantly judged on how I ate. The most common theme was "Someday you will have a girlfriend and what will her parents think of how you eat?" Looking back I was eating normal, but how others viewed us was very important to them. When I got older and ate at a friends house it was very difficult for me to do. I would be told by other people "That is why you are so thin because you don't eat." They were wrong, I just couldn't eat much around them. I was basically choking the food down feeling judged with every bite. Later when I did have serious girlfriends I never once ate with their family. I just couldn't the anxiety was so high. Even with friends family's at this point I would go out to eat with them at a pizza place. Worried I would be judged for not eating enough and worried I would be judged for how I ate... I would eat two slices of pizza and feel so sick. I would go to the restaurant bathroom and throw up quickly then come back to the table to eat more so it would appear I ate a normal amount. Most of my friends parents were heavy set people so even then they ate way more then I ever could in one sitting.
When I was little I remember my parents having a big fight late one night and my mom came in my bedroom and said we are leaving and to collect the toys I wanted. I of course took my bear that would play music if you turned the key in his back. A few other toys and since I did not have enough room in the paper bag by mother had given me to pack in I took one piece of a puzzle I had to remember it by. I remember feeling scared that we were leaving, but even at that young age happy. I was scared as my mother and I walked the dark streets heading downtown in the cold. I can only assume we were walking to her friends house that she worked with back then because she was an older black woman who lived downtown. My father caught up in the car and kept yelling for my mother to get in the car and of course we did. Growing up most children fear that their parents would get divorced...I use to pray for it.
Before I could drive my father would sometimes drive me to the mall, usually with great annoyance that he had to take me. This was before the internet so again for those of you too young to remember the mall is where we hung out. This one time however I was just going by myself to buy clothes for school I assume. On the way up there he started screaming and yelling about something. What I can't remember, but most likely that he had to take me. I told him not to bother waiting for me I would take the bus home. I did not at that point want to be around him and he demanded I not take the bus home. I ran away from him in the parking lot of the mall and he chased me, but I was quick and got away. I got to a payphone in the mall and called my mother to tell her about what happened and she was mad that he was acting that way. I did not go home that night. I took the bus to a friends house and stayed there. My mother never learned to drive so it was only him that could take me places and he was always quick to tell me he was not a taxi service. For a reference point the mall was only a few miles from our house. I also hardly asked for a ride unless I needed to be picked up from a friends house after dark. Most of the time I did take the bus.
In my teenage years I had a best friend. His mother for some reason let me spend every weekend there. Our families knew each other from church. In the summer I just pretty much stayed there the whole time. I did not want to go home. I remember my mother having my father give my friends mother money since I was eating her food. I actually felt bad staying there so much and her kids were trouble makers so while she was at work I would clean her clothes and do all the dishes. I felt that if I earned my keep and was really nice she would let me keep staying. For the most part she did.
When I had lung surgery in the year 2000 I was not allowed to drive a car for months after if it had an airbag. My fathers car did not have the passenger side airbag so I was able to sit in the front seat. About a month after my surgery he was driving me home to my apartment where I lived with a friend of mine. As we were going down the highway he started yelling about something. Again I can't remember what it was...he usually yells about things that are so stupid they aren't worth remembering. I do know that at one point he was not paying attention and almost drove the car under a tracker trailer. So I yelled at him to pay attention. I told him I just had lung surgery will you please just stop (the pain at the time was still very real even with medication) and that is when he said "You probably faked that too." referring to my lung surgery which he was there for. I think I said something to the affect of yea all the doctors were in on it. I didn't speak to my parents for a few days and my mom must have had my sister call me because my sister and I never talk (she is my half sister from my moms first marriage). My sister said to me that they were getting older and that is just the way he is. I am lead back into things by guilt often so I resumed contact.
My father once accused me of hitting my mother. I told him "I never hit her." and he said "Oh yes you do..you just don't remember." I told her about that and she said "I don't know what the hell he is talking about."
There is so much more I could say and so many more stories to tell, but by now you get the idea. He still yells, but mostly at my mother. At times he will pick a fight with me and it causes flash backs of my childhood and how scared and helpless I felt. I could never stay mad at him long because my mother would always force me to hug him goodbye if I was angry with him or tell me how I can't stay mad at him .."because what if he was killed in a car crash while you were mad...you would never forgive yourself and have to live with that forever." Seems like I was always the one saying I was sorry or we acted as if nothing had taken place at all.
Because my father pays for me (esp. in recent years) because I am unable to hold a job I have had to keep in contact with him. I figured once I was older and out of the house that I myself could have a relationship with him. So I would email him things to look at or send him an email about something. He would read it and look, but never write back. He never calls me, but I would call him at work to talk to him or if my mom was busy when I called the house I would speak to him about myself because he never has any wisdom to share with me or any of his own stories to tell. Actually he will email me when they go on a trip, he will send me where they will be and what the train numbers are, if he thinks he is owed money he will send a bill to the penny, and he will forward pictures my sister sends him of my great nephew (which my mom tells him to do since she does not have an email account).
For many years I use to have nightmares about having to move back home or go home on holidays when I was at college. Even sometimes being in their house even now I can't breath. I started to realize last year that my attempts to have a relationship with him was one sided. He hands over money that is all. If he was poor and could not have helped me at all I doubt I would have kept contact as long as I have. But with taking money, comes guilt, it makes you feel like you owe someone. I have allowed him to yell and treat me at times harshly because I am in no situation at the current time to negotiate. Most people have no idea how hard it is when I have to ask for extra money. Last year after I had the flu I had to get an antibiotic. Thankfully the nurse I see is understanding and only charges me $20 for the visit. But medication is a different story. So the first round of pills I had to take when the flu passed was because I developed an infection in my lung (same one I had surgery on). They were only $45 dollars and generic so not to bad over all. However they did not work, so I had to return a week later to the doctors office and they had to give me an antibiotic that is not yet sold as a generic. (Thankfully this year it will be.) The pills were going to cost $220. The office checked to see if they had samples for me, but they didn't. So from the parking lot of the pharmacy I had to call my father and tell him how much they were. There was never any concern that I was sick. There never is. Just an angry sigh and a "FINE!! FINE!! JUST GET THEM!!". After awhile or maybe I am just sensitive, but I start to feel empty inside and vacant and guilty.
The other day my mother called me with him screaming and carrying on in the background about some collection agency that had called and said I owed $109 from 2005 for Readers Digest Magazine. He was shouting about how he now had to pay it. I told her I never even had that magazine. I also check my credit report every year and nothing from them is on the reports so I know damn well they don't have my social security number and just are tracking people by name. It is not like my name is completely uncommon in the city I live in. He then started to dictate in the background what I can and cannot do online, what I can order and what I can't. My mother was yelling back at him to stop and saying I said it is not mine and not to pay it. He continued shouting "NO!! NO!! I AM JUST GOING TO PAY IT!!" I hung up.
I had waited a week before I told my mother that I had quit smoking. I wanted to make sure it was more than a 48 hour deal. I was feeling better about it so when I went to visit her the day before I told her. She of course told my father as well. High stress situations is not something someone deals with best when they are quitting smoking, alcohol or any drug for that matter. From experience I know this.
Him screaming like that lit a rage inside me and so I called back. My mother answered and I said "Put him on the phone now." He came on yelling and so I was a lot louder to shut him up. I don't remember everything I said, but I know I told him if I find out he ever pays that bill to forget any form of relationship with me because I am tired of him bitching that he is an ATM machine and I would have to listen to his mouth about how he had to pay yet another bill (esp. since it was not even mine) that I would be the one to call them back and fix the situation. He started yelling again. I told him to "shut up, just shut up I am so tired of you, in case you had not realized dad we have a very fragile relationship...one that I hold together..I email you, you never write back, you never call me I only call you and I am sick of your bullshit..all you ever did my entire life is yell at me and made me a nervous wreck". I also said "You want to yell at someone yell at mom since she for some unknown reason has stayed with you all these years, but you are not going to yell at me anymore. I am an adult and you sure as hell are not going to dictate to me what I do and do not do." I doubt he even heard half of what I said because he kept interrupting yelling back and I had to keep saying "Shut Up!!". Eventually I hung up on him. I went to the store and got two chocolate milks and pork skins. I just needed to get out in the cold air.
When I got home my mother had called me so I called her back. She was mad at him for carrying on and in the bedroom staying away from him. I told her that I wanted a hand written letter of apology from him and for it to be mailed to me if he ever wanted me to speak to him again. That I was done. She refused to tell him that and said that no man would do that. My point in making him do that was two part at the time. 1) When I was 14 years old and threatened to call the police on him he stopped shaking his fist in my face so I thought making him do something like that would make him think twice about acting that way again towards me. 2) That I assume it would be very hard for him to do, after all he has never said he was sorry for anything. Maybe in anger I wanted him to feel as demoralized as he has in the past made me feel.
The phone conversation ended with my mother and I didn't know what to do with myself. Completely unprepared for that level of stress so soon after I quit smoking. I stuck a patch on and most of the day wore that. I could not shake the anger, the resurfacing memories of my childhood, the guilt and the anger at myself that I am stuck in a situation I do not want to be in. So while on camera I told everyone that I was going to the store to buy a candy bar. People who know we well online know damn well what I was doing, but were polite not to say anything. I bought a pack of cigarettes and started smoking. Then of course I was mad at myself.
That night I slept poorly and was not on cam much yesterday, having got so upset I couldn't really eat much food. Last night I put the patch back on determined I just had a misstep and I would just stop again. I slept 3 hours last night and have been up sense. I took the patch off and went to get cigarettes. I just can't stop at this moment in time, but I will again and hopefully very soon. I didn't even want to tell anyone that I smoked again because I am angry at myself for giving in to it.
This morning I told my mother that I was smoking again. She thinks that I shouldn't have smoked because of him and that I should have "rised above" and maybe I should have, but I couldn't. I was too angry and at that point I could have cared less about my own well being.
I have had a few days to think about it and I have decided I am done with my father (I will be decent acting when forced to be around him). I explained that to my mother on the phone and for now she agrees. I made it clear that it is not a passing phase. That a week from now I don't want her calling me saying "You should talk to him after all he is paying your bills." She claims she won't, but I know her and of course she will. She said "you can't change him" and I said "I know I can't, but I don't have to accept him anymore or condone his behavior, I am tired of a one sided relationship and feeling like crap about myself." I told her that "I love him because he is my father, but I don't respect him and he disappoints me." She agreed. So to answer that age old statement "What if something happens to him? You would never forgive yourself." Yes I would.
Friday, December 19, 2008
One Of Many Reasons I Fear Vaccines
Also a very good book is "Dr. Mary's Monkey" by by Edward T. Haslam
The Book Can Be Found On Amazon.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Feeling Blah
I am not really feeling that well today. I got ready to go to the supermarket and started to feel sick to my stomach, but not from anxiety. I drank some juice before I went to see if it would help. I took my xanax around 11:30am anyway so I definitely was not nervous. That unpleasant issue I talked about before with the pale stools (by pale I mean gray) have been still happening on and off for the past year, but the tests were all normal so who knows what my issue is. My liver levels were fine and the ultrasound of my liver, pancreas and gallbladder were all normal. Which is no surprise, I tend to always have normal results for medical tests. Outside of the anxiety no one can really explain why I get days were I get very ill and just have to wait till it passes.
I went to the store and picked up several TV dinners because I really was not feeling all that well so I didn't feel like shopping, but did need to buy food. I noticed in my car mirror before I went into the store that I was getting pale.
While in line at the store this woman in front of me was telling the cashier that she is retired and decided not to move to Virginia because if she did the government would cut her retirement check because the government says it is cheaper for her to live in Virginia than it is to live in New York. Which she said was a crock so she is just going to stay here so her check isn't cut. I didn't know retirement was based on the state you live in so that sucks.
When I got home I made a TV dinner and took a multi-vitamin. Still feeling ill about an hour later I took a pepcid. So now I am just laying here watching TV. For those of you who watch me on Justin.tv I just put the cam in the bedroom, but have the sound still on the TV. I just don't feel well enough to be on cam right now, but I might be fine later. I hope I am not getting a stomach virus that would suck and I feel like I am going to barf...and not for my usual reasons hehe.
My parents still don't have power at their house that they lost during the ice storm, so they are still at the hotel. They told me they booked the room till Tuesday of this week. They have to go back to their house twice a day to give the cat his shot. Their cat has diabetes and needs insulin.
So for now I am just going to rest and watch TV. I just hope I feel better later. I hate feeling sick. Oh and I am going to stop chain smoking. That is my first step towards quitting...not that I feel like smoking right now anyway I feel to blah.
I went to the store and picked up several TV dinners because I really was not feeling all that well so I didn't feel like shopping, but did need to buy food. I noticed in my car mirror before I went into the store that I was getting pale.
While in line at the store this woman in front of me was telling the cashier that she is retired and decided not to move to Virginia because if she did the government would cut her retirement check because the government says it is cheaper for her to live in Virginia than it is to live in New York. Which she said was a crock so she is just going to stay here so her check isn't cut. I didn't know retirement was based on the state you live in so that sucks.
When I got home I made a TV dinner and took a multi-vitamin. Still feeling ill about an hour later I took a pepcid. So now I am just laying here watching TV. For those of you who watch me on Justin.tv I just put the cam in the bedroom, but have the sound still on the TV. I just don't feel well enough to be on cam right now, but I might be fine later. I hope I am not getting a stomach virus that would suck and I feel like I am going to barf...and not for my usual reasons hehe.
My parents still don't have power at their house that they lost during the ice storm, so they are still at the hotel. They told me they booked the room till Tuesday of this week. They have to go back to their house twice a day to give the cat his shot. Their cat has diabetes and needs insulin.
So for now I am just going to rest and watch TV. I just hope I feel better later. I hate feeling sick. Oh and I am going to stop chain smoking. That is my first step towards quitting...not that I feel like smoking right now anyway I feel to blah.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Social Skills
I have met a few people recently in real life. I was quick to discover that after years of being in a relationship which I isolated myself in and also lost myself in the world of the internet I have lost most social skills. Maybe I lost them long before that. See when I use to meet people or hang out with them I would just drink beer. That always got me through. Alcohol has a way of making the world more interesting, time speeds up and most of the time, if you consume enough you are at peace with yourself. Now I not only was in isolation for 5 years with my main communication being the computer, but now I also no longer drink. So I have lost what little tools I had or at least forgot for right now.
On the internet when someone is talking to you and asks a question you can pause to think or just not answer. There is that little "X" in the corner of the chat box and you can close the unwanted people out. You can delay talking to them and if you don't feel like talking at all you can just logout. In the real world I can't "X" anyone out. I think that is why I have a hard time with the phone as well. I really have nothing to talk about and when I run out of things to say there is just silence, but the line is still open.
The two people I did meet recently were both very nice though and I was not nervous meeting them, maybe just normal jitters that anyone gets meeting someone for the first time. I also made no plans to meet them till the last minute or a few hours at the most. I had no time to really think about it. I made small talk with both and have been actively chatting with one online and will most likely hang out again. I have a few other people I will be seeing soon as well I am sure.
I find it hard with new people because I hate explaining who I am and the reasons why I avoid the things I do. Some people of course think they can "fix" me if I was just with them enough and that could not be further from the truth. It is also not anything new to me. People always, with the best of intentions think they can "fix" me. Thing is I don't always feel "broken", I am just different. I am the first to realize that if it was not for all the struggles I have been through and the anxiety I have for no reason at all, that I just wouldn't be me. If I never had this "problem" I would never have had the time to look into certain subjects, nor had the time to learn all the things I have. I think I view people in a different light than most. I almost prefer the ones that are "broken". Broken people are usually the most interesting. Their belief systems can range from semi-normal to the UFO's will be returning next week with the federation of light. They seem to be more compassionate and many times well rounded people.
I think maybe I would like around ten percent of the population. The rest is just noise. The problem is they are so damn hard to find and spread out all over the globe. When if comes to them there is no age, they are all ages. They are the 18 year old who suddenly can't relate to his peers and sits with a 40 year old man because they both have something in common, usually it is questions like who are we really? why are we here? They can't care about or think about what the general population does. I call them the viewers. We watch the world go by. We know we are part of a giant game and watch the people who still have no idea they are even in a game. They are so tightly wrapped in it that if you even dared tell them they would think you were crazy and in need of medication or they would fall apart. Some people need the game.
I love my parents dearly, but they need the game, esp my mother. For me I know it is all a game, but I have a hard time letting go of it. I also have moments when I wish I did not know the things I do or at least did not have the perspective I do, then I could be lost in the game and never know it.
OK so back to my lack of social skills. I am going to have to build that back up, but at the same time find people I can actually talk to about more than surface issues. Thankfully there are some people in my life that I can.
When I was in high school I use to skip classes and go to Burger King with my friends, but other times they would go off without me and I would be in the library. I was always looking for something. Not really and answer, but an understanding....to what I have no idea. I assume I will be looking till I die. I also assume if I find it I would know it. This journey of looking has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I understand things so much better or at least I understand people better and because of that most people scare the hell out of me. The curse is I am limited on who I can talk to about it. A therapist asked me once "Who is Brian?" the honest answer is I don't know. I heard an answer once form someone, maybe it was Deepak Chopra (who I don't follow) that said "I'm an astounding, lucid confusion. I'm your own voice, echoing off the walls of God."
On the internet when someone is talking to you and asks a question you can pause to think or just not answer. There is that little "X" in the corner of the chat box and you can close the unwanted people out. You can delay talking to them and if you don't feel like talking at all you can just logout. In the real world I can't "X" anyone out. I think that is why I have a hard time with the phone as well. I really have nothing to talk about and when I run out of things to say there is just silence, but the line is still open.
The two people I did meet recently were both very nice though and I was not nervous meeting them, maybe just normal jitters that anyone gets meeting someone for the first time. I also made no plans to meet them till the last minute or a few hours at the most. I had no time to really think about it. I made small talk with both and have been actively chatting with one online and will most likely hang out again. I have a few other people I will be seeing soon as well I am sure.
I find it hard with new people because I hate explaining who I am and the reasons why I avoid the things I do. Some people of course think they can "fix" me if I was just with them enough and that could not be further from the truth. It is also not anything new to me. People always, with the best of intentions think they can "fix" me. Thing is I don't always feel "broken", I am just different. I am the first to realize that if it was not for all the struggles I have been through and the anxiety I have for no reason at all, that I just wouldn't be me. If I never had this "problem" I would never have had the time to look into certain subjects, nor had the time to learn all the things I have. I think I view people in a different light than most. I almost prefer the ones that are "broken". Broken people are usually the most interesting. Their belief systems can range from semi-normal to the UFO's will be returning next week with the federation of light. They seem to be more compassionate and many times well rounded people.
I think maybe I would like around ten percent of the population. The rest is just noise. The problem is they are so damn hard to find and spread out all over the globe. When if comes to them there is no age, they are all ages. They are the 18 year old who suddenly can't relate to his peers and sits with a 40 year old man because they both have something in common, usually it is questions like who are we really? why are we here? They can't care about or think about what the general population does. I call them the viewers. We watch the world go by. We know we are part of a giant game and watch the people who still have no idea they are even in a game. They are so tightly wrapped in it that if you even dared tell them they would think you were crazy and in need of medication or they would fall apart. Some people need the game.
I love my parents dearly, but they need the game, esp my mother. For me I know it is all a game, but I have a hard time letting go of it. I also have moments when I wish I did not know the things I do or at least did not have the perspective I do, then I could be lost in the game and never know it.
OK so back to my lack of social skills. I am going to have to build that back up, but at the same time find people I can actually talk to about more than surface issues. Thankfully there are some people in my life that I can.
When I was in high school I use to skip classes and go to Burger King with my friends, but other times they would go off without me and I would be in the library. I was always looking for something. Not really and answer, but an understanding....to what I have no idea. I assume I will be looking till I die. I also assume if I find it I would know it. This journey of looking has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I understand things so much better or at least I understand people better and because of that most people scare the hell out of me. The curse is I am limited on who I can talk to about it. A therapist asked me once "Who is Brian?" the honest answer is I don't know. I heard an answer once form someone, maybe it was Deepak Chopra (who I don't follow) that said "I'm an astounding, lucid confusion. I'm your own voice, echoing off the walls of God."
Monday, December 8, 2008
UPDATE Took My Mom To The Hospital
I just wanted to let everyone know my mom is ok. Some people have been emailing me asking and I apologize it took me so long to put an update up to this. It turns out it was just a reaction to the antibiotic she was on and so they changed her medication. She rested up the next day and is now back to normal.
This all started because she had a kidney infection and was given Cipro. Her second pill caused bad pain in her chest/stomach area. Because of the location on the pain, her doctor wanted her to go to the hospital. The hospital did blood work and an EKG to rule out heart attack and did a CT scan of her Aorta, digestive track and kidneys. They did the kidney CT to rule out a kidney stone that may have gotten stuck, since that could also be the cause of the pain. Turns out the Cipro caused most of her digestive track to just flare up really bad. So they changed her pill.
I will try to write more later, but just wanted to let everyone know she was fine and doing well. Thank you all for asking.
This all started because she had a kidney infection and was given Cipro. Her second pill caused bad pain in her chest/stomach area. Because of the location on the pain, her doctor wanted her to go to the hospital. The hospital did blood work and an EKG to rule out heart attack and did a CT scan of her Aorta, digestive track and kidneys. They did the kidney CT to rule out a kidney stone that may have gotten stuck, since that could also be the cause of the pain. Turns out the Cipro caused most of her digestive track to just flare up really bad. So they changed her pill.
I will try to write more later, but just wanted to let everyone know she was fine and doing well. Thank you all for asking.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Took My Mom To The Hospital
So for the past couple of days I have continued to clean my apartment. Today I took a break from cleaning because my hands have started to become chapped. So I have just been putting lotion on them. Once they clear up I will get back to cleaning. The apartment is about 80% clean so I am almost done.
Since I could not clean up today I decided to do some laundry over at my parents house. My mom has today off from work. She went to the doctors yesterday and they think she has a kidney infection. So they put her on an antibiotic. While I was there cleaning she told me that she thought the pill was making her sick. She had thrown up earlier and had bad stomach pain. She is on several other medications so I asked her if she asked the pharmacist if the new drug would interact with her other pills. She said the nurse said they wouldn't, but she never asked the pharmacist.
While I was there she threw up again and her pain in her stomach got worse. So she called her doctor and he called back about 20 minutes later and told her to go to the ER and have an xray of the digestive track. I have no clue how they do an x-ray of the stomach area. So I am thinking he meant an upper GI or a CT scan. So she called my father and I drove here to the hospital. My father met us there. She is still there and I am just waiting to hear word from my father so I know what is going on.
A few months back my mother passed out and I took her to the ER so this is the second time in the past few months I have taken her to the hospital. Hopefully the antibiotic just really irritated her stomach and it is nothing else. They didn't know why she had fainted a few months back either.
I have been trying to make myself go out once a day at least. I have been to hannaford supermarket almost everyday this week. I don't stay long of course, but I have been going. The other day my computer had an issue so I ended up having to go to walmart. They did not have what I needed for my computer so then I had to go over to circuit city. It was more expensive than I had hoped and the stuff I needed came to $133. So I put it on my credit card. I then came home and rolled all the quarters I had and brought them over to my parents house since they are taking care of my credit card right now. I only had $46 dollars in quarters though. I have a bag of dimes and told them I would roll them up and bring those over too.
The problem is I am working with dying computers so hopefully at some point some how I can get a new desktop. I need a new laptop as well, but the desktop is way more important. I am also having issues with my DSL. It is going to slow so I am having issues with using Justin TV. I don't talk on the mic anymore because the lag is sometimes over a minute.
I think after xmas I will call time warner and get a cable modem with digital phone. Then my cable, cable modem and digital phone will be part of a package deal and I will save money by dropping verizon. The only down side to getting the cable modem is this is a very old building and they will have to drill a hole in the wall to install the cable modem. I only have one cable outlet and that is in the living room. The complex I live in has a deal with time warner though so they have no issue with them having to drill a hole. It is just I will feel nervous while the guy is here and the longer he is here to more nervous I will feel. It will be worth it though to have faster internet.
So hopefully my mom is ok. If I thought it was anything major I would have stayed. I have major issues with hospitals and since they were going to draw blood I couldn't be in there with her. I also get really nervous sitting in the wait rooms. I also start to worry about that super bug found in hospitals called MRSA and the flesh eating bacteria. They are becoming more common in NY and CA.
If you have never heard of MRSA you can find out more information by watching the video below.
as always if the video stops working email me so I can update it.
Since I could not clean up today I decided to do some laundry over at my parents house. My mom has today off from work. She went to the doctors yesterday and they think she has a kidney infection. So they put her on an antibiotic. While I was there cleaning she told me that she thought the pill was making her sick. She had thrown up earlier and had bad stomach pain. She is on several other medications so I asked her if she asked the pharmacist if the new drug would interact with her other pills. She said the nurse said they wouldn't, but she never asked the pharmacist.
While I was there she threw up again and her pain in her stomach got worse. So she called her doctor and he called back about 20 minutes later and told her to go to the ER and have an xray of the digestive track. I have no clue how they do an x-ray of the stomach area. So I am thinking he meant an upper GI or a CT scan. So she called my father and I drove here to the hospital. My father met us there. She is still there and I am just waiting to hear word from my father so I know what is going on.
A few months back my mother passed out and I took her to the ER so this is the second time in the past few months I have taken her to the hospital. Hopefully the antibiotic just really irritated her stomach and it is nothing else. They didn't know why she had fainted a few months back either.
I have been trying to make myself go out once a day at least. I have been to hannaford supermarket almost everyday this week. I don't stay long of course, but I have been going. The other day my computer had an issue so I ended up having to go to walmart. They did not have what I needed for my computer so then I had to go over to circuit city. It was more expensive than I had hoped and the stuff I needed came to $133. So I put it on my credit card. I then came home and rolled all the quarters I had and brought them over to my parents house since they are taking care of my credit card right now. I only had $46 dollars in quarters though. I have a bag of dimes and told them I would roll them up and bring those over too.
The problem is I am working with dying computers so hopefully at some point some how I can get a new desktop. I need a new laptop as well, but the desktop is way more important. I am also having issues with my DSL. It is going to slow so I am having issues with using Justin TV. I don't talk on the mic anymore because the lag is sometimes over a minute.
I think after xmas I will call time warner and get a cable modem with digital phone. Then my cable, cable modem and digital phone will be part of a package deal and I will save money by dropping verizon. The only down side to getting the cable modem is this is a very old building and they will have to drill a hole in the wall to install the cable modem. I only have one cable outlet and that is in the living room. The complex I live in has a deal with time warner though so they have no issue with them having to drill a hole. It is just I will feel nervous while the guy is here and the longer he is here to more nervous I will feel. It will be worth it though to have faster internet.
So hopefully my mom is ok. If I thought it was anything major I would have stayed. I have major issues with hospitals and since they were going to draw blood I couldn't be in there with her. I also get really nervous sitting in the wait rooms. I also start to worry about that super bug found in hospitals called MRSA and the flesh eating bacteria. They are becoming more common in NY and CA.
If you have never heard of MRSA you can find out more information by watching the video below.
as always if the video stops working email me so I can update it.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Moving on....slowly
The other day I was able to get all the trash out of the apartment. Yesterday I moved my bed from the other bedroom to the one that has the computers in it. I just couldn't sleep in that other room anymore. Plus if someday I do end up getting a roommate I want this room because it is larger and has the internet connection.
I am actually in the process of changing most of the apartment around and right now it is a disaster because I can only do so much at a time. I still feel very wore out and every morning when I wake up I start getting heart palpitations for awhile. Then several hours later I feel better and start to clean.
I knew my apartment was a mess, but until I started moving things around I had no idea how much crap was just laying around. I think the three years we lived here we vacuumed two or three times. The last room I am going to clean is the bathroom. I feel ill cleaning bathrooms so I am putting it off.
I went to bed about 7:30pm last night and slept till 4am. So that is pretty decent. Though right now I don't feel like I slept at all.
Yesterday I also went to the corner store to get cigarettes and some food items. I was not ready to go into the supermarket with the way I was feeling. I also had not been outside since my xbf left. I have been eating more, which is good. This whole ordeal has taken a tremendous toll on my body and I will just be happy when I get back to my normal abnormal self.
I think over all I am doing pretty well for someone who was dumped after 5 years, has all the issues I have and living alone.
I tried to stop smoking, but it was too soon and the last thing I want to do is drive myself nuts, so I am holding off on that for a short while.
Yesterday we had some freezing rain here, but thankfully it turned to rain later so I think it is all melted now. I will know as soon as the sun comes up. I have such simple goals that to a normal person would seem stupid. Like today the goals are to clean more and go to the mail box on the corner to mail a few items out.
On a completely different note, if any of you have HBO, Big Love and True Blood are very good shows. You can catch up on them if you have HBO on demand. That and I saw a video yesterday on youtube that made me laugh only because it is so demented.
Warning on the youtube video though, it is not work friendly or child friendly. So I am just going to put the link and not embed it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOBVhVEaAGQ
I am actually in the process of changing most of the apartment around and right now it is a disaster because I can only do so much at a time. I still feel very wore out and every morning when I wake up I start getting heart palpitations for awhile. Then several hours later I feel better and start to clean.
I knew my apartment was a mess, but until I started moving things around I had no idea how much crap was just laying around. I think the three years we lived here we vacuumed two or three times. The last room I am going to clean is the bathroom. I feel ill cleaning bathrooms so I am putting it off.
I went to bed about 7:30pm last night and slept till 4am. So that is pretty decent. Though right now I don't feel like I slept at all.
Yesterday I also went to the corner store to get cigarettes and some food items. I was not ready to go into the supermarket with the way I was feeling. I also had not been outside since my xbf left. I have been eating more, which is good. This whole ordeal has taken a tremendous toll on my body and I will just be happy when I get back to my normal abnormal self.
I think over all I am doing pretty well for someone who was dumped after 5 years, has all the issues I have and living alone.
I tried to stop smoking, but it was too soon and the last thing I want to do is drive myself nuts, so I am holding off on that for a short while.
Yesterday we had some freezing rain here, but thankfully it turned to rain later so I think it is all melted now. I will know as soon as the sun comes up. I have such simple goals that to a normal person would seem stupid. Like today the goals are to clean more and go to the mail box on the corner to mail a few items out.
On a completely different note, if any of you have HBO, Big Love and True Blood are very good shows. You can catch up on them if you have HBO on demand. That and I saw a video yesterday on youtube that made me laugh only because it is so demented.
Warning on the youtube video though, it is not work friendly or child friendly. So I am just going to put the link and not embed it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOBVhVEaAGQ
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The Day My Boyfriend Left
The day my xbf left. Most of the day was going well. I was watching tv while he was packing up his car for his first trip to move stuff out to his new place. I felt surprisingly good, but I was tired. Because I was so tired I did not feel safe driving so I called my mom and asked if it would be ok if my dad drove my thanksgiving dinner over to me instead of me picking it up. She said that was fine. They only live about a mile from me anyway.
My father dropped the food off at about 215pm. My xbf was still out moving stuff into his new place and then went to walmart. So about 230pm I ate my thanksgiving dinner and put his in fridge. He got home about 4pm and I heated his food up. Around that time I started to feel very ill like I was going to throw up plus I was so tired. I had been awake since about 1130pm the night before. So I decided to lay down since I suddenly was not feeling well. I told my xbf to wake me up when he was almost finished loading his car with the second load of stuff (his last load before leaving). I told him I was not feeling well and just needed to lay down.
He woke me up about 630pm and said he was almost ready. I got up and smoked a cigarette with him. Suddenly I started to get the worst cramps. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome so I have had cramps before, but not in a long time. They became so intense I had to go to the bathroom. When I was in there they got so painful. Past the point they usually are. I broke out into a cold sweat and started to pass out. Finally the pain passed and I didn't faint. I stood up and looked in the mirror and I was egg shell white and all clammy looking. I felt pretty woozy.
I came out of the bathroom and my xbf could see how pale I was. I told him I almost passed out from the pain. He stayed for about 10 more minutes and I gave him a hug goodbye and told him I loved him and hugged me back and told me he loved me too. Then he left.
Still feeling very ill I laid back down in bed and started to shiver. I was so cold feeling and eventually I feel back to sleep. I woke up at 1am. I still felt weak and completely wore out and started eating small amounts of food and drinking water. I just laid on the couch mostly yesterday. I felt so sad, but couldn't really grieve because I was so weak and ill.
When I was little about 50% of the time I ate my moms food I became ill and had cramps. Often she tells me she has a "stomach flu", but I sometimes think it is her cooking. Since my xbf and I are going to try to remain friends, I emailed him and told him I was feeling a bit better and asked if he ever got sick since he ate later than I did. He wrote back telling me he didn't, but woke up with a massive headache. However he gets headaches a lot so it does not really mean anything.
I had been on my diet that I told you all about the "boiltarian diet" till the breakup happened. Then I couldn't eat so when I was hungry I would eat anything that I felt like eating. The first whole week I ate nothing but McDonald's followed by TV dinners and Hershey bars. I had not had cramps in almost a year and I think I have completely screwed my body up because of what I was eating. I have never experienced cramps like that before. They were always painful, but anyone who has IBS knows when you have a cramp it peeks at a point, just around the point you can't take the pain the pain goes down. That day it reached it's peek and went 3 times higher. It was more painful than the day I was taken to the ER for my lung issue. In fact I might even say that to date it is the most pain I have ever felt. (My pain is always on my left side thankfully so I know it was not my appendix.).
I started back up on my boiltarian diet yesterday. I have forgotten how crappy I feel off it. Cramps are something I definitely didn't miss having. I went to bed at 6pm yesterday and woke up this morning around 3am. I still feel a little wore out, but so far better than I did feel. I have a ton of trash to take out. I told him just to leave it and I would do it for him, but I didn't know I was going to get that sick when I said it. I am hoping today I can get most of it out.
So far it is hard for me when I go to bed and when I wake up. When I go to bed no one is here and that feels weird. When I wake up no one is in bed next to me and the apartment is just silent. The first few second I am awake I feel ok, then this doom feeling rushes over me almost like "oh shit this is my life". Yesterday during the afternoon I felt ok emotionally. It is so far times like right now when it is dark outside and the apartment is quiet, then I start to feel like I am not going to be ok and that I can't handle this. Then that emotion passes and I feel ok again.
I admit since I almost passed out I am a bit nervous. I feel like I am taking it easy for fear that that feeling will come back and I actually will faint. I am also a little bit scared about living alone. My cat Timo does not know that he moved yet and still thinks he is coming home. Yesterday (Friday) around the time my xbf would come home from work he sat by the stairs and waited like he always does. Eventually he went in the bedroom to sleep. I know he knows something is up because he has been acting stressed and yesterday took a crap on the floor next to his litter box which he never does. I am not looking forward to cleaning that up since I am so squeamish.
My xbf ended up leaving me his desktop computer, the digital camera and even picked me up some cigarettes, plastic cups and paper plates. It is so hard to deal with all of this right now because even though I am angry and so very sad that he left me how can I be angry when he took care of me till the moment he left. I just really miss him. I also worry about my ability to cope long term with this. I mean this is only day two since he has been gone. I already feel like a shell of myself. It is like when that door closed half of me died.
Anyway lets hope today I can eat more and can clean some.
My father dropped the food off at about 215pm. My xbf was still out moving stuff into his new place and then went to walmart. So about 230pm I ate my thanksgiving dinner and put his in fridge. He got home about 4pm and I heated his food up. Around that time I started to feel very ill like I was going to throw up plus I was so tired. I had been awake since about 1130pm the night before. So I decided to lay down since I suddenly was not feeling well. I told my xbf to wake me up when he was almost finished loading his car with the second load of stuff (his last load before leaving). I told him I was not feeling well and just needed to lay down.
He woke me up about 630pm and said he was almost ready. I got up and smoked a cigarette with him. Suddenly I started to get the worst cramps. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome so I have had cramps before, but not in a long time. They became so intense I had to go to the bathroom. When I was in there they got so painful. Past the point they usually are. I broke out into a cold sweat and started to pass out. Finally the pain passed and I didn't faint. I stood up and looked in the mirror and I was egg shell white and all clammy looking. I felt pretty woozy.
I came out of the bathroom and my xbf could see how pale I was. I told him I almost passed out from the pain. He stayed for about 10 more minutes and I gave him a hug goodbye and told him I loved him and hugged me back and told me he loved me too. Then he left.
Still feeling very ill I laid back down in bed and started to shiver. I was so cold feeling and eventually I feel back to sleep. I woke up at 1am. I still felt weak and completely wore out and started eating small amounts of food and drinking water. I just laid on the couch mostly yesterday. I felt so sad, but couldn't really grieve because I was so weak and ill.
When I was little about 50% of the time I ate my moms food I became ill and had cramps. Often she tells me she has a "stomach flu", but I sometimes think it is her cooking. Since my xbf and I are going to try to remain friends, I emailed him and told him I was feeling a bit better and asked if he ever got sick since he ate later than I did. He wrote back telling me he didn't, but woke up with a massive headache. However he gets headaches a lot so it does not really mean anything.
I had been on my diet that I told you all about the "boiltarian diet" till the breakup happened. Then I couldn't eat so when I was hungry I would eat anything that I felt like eating. The first whole week I ate nothing but McDonald's followed by TV dinners and Hershey bars. I had not had cramps in almost a year and I think I have completely screwed my body up because of what I was eating. I have never experienced cramps like that before. They were always painful, but anyone who has IBS knows when you have a cramp it peeks at a point, just around the point you can't take the pain the pain goes down. That day it reached it's peek and went 3 times higher. It was more painful than the day I was taken to the ER for my lung issue. In fact I might even say that to date it is the most pain I have ever felt. (My pain is always on my left side thankfully so I know it was not my appendix.).
I started back up on my boiltarian diet yesterday. I have forgotten how crappy I feel off it. Cramps are something I definitely didn't miss having. I went to bed at 6pm yesterday and woke up this morning around 3am. I still feel a little wore out, but so far better than I did feel. I have a ton of trash to take out. I told him just to leave it and I would do it for him, but I didn't know I was going to get that sick when I said it. I am hoping today I can get most of it out.
So far it is hard for me when I go to bed and when I wake up. When I go to bed no one is here and that feels weird. When I wake up no one is in bed next to me and the apartment is just silent. The first few second I am awake I feel ok, then this doom feeling rushes over me almost like "oh shit this is my life". Yesterday during the afternoon I felt ok emotionally. It is so far times like right now when it is dark outside and the apartment is quiet, then I start to feel like I am not going to be ok and that I can't handle this. Then that emotion passes and I feel ok again.
I admit since I almost passed out I am a bit nervous. I feel like I am taking it easy for fear that that feeling will come back and I actually will faint. I am also a little bit scared about living alone. My cat Timo does not know that he moved yet and still thinks he is coming home. Yesterday (Friday) around the time my xbf would come home from work he sat by the stairs and waited like he always does. Eventually he went in the bedroom to sleep. I know he knows something is up because he has been acting stressed and yesterday took a crap on the floor next to his litter box which he never does. I am not looking forward to cleaning that up since I am so squeamish.
My xbf ended up leaving me his desktop computer, the digital camera and even picked me up some cigarettes, plastic cups and paper plates. It is so hard to deal with all of this right now because even though I am angry and so very sad that he left me how can I be angry when he took care of me till the moment he left. I just really miss him. I also worry about my ability to cope long term with this. I mean this is only day two since he has been gone. I already feel like a shell of myself. It is like when that door closed half of me died.
Anyway lets hope today I can eat more and can clean some.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanksgiving and Therapy
Holidays are not an easy time for me. For as long as I can remember I find them depressing. All except Halloween. I don't even like my birthday. I always get morbid thoughts about dying in a car crash around a holiday or someone I love dying on a holiday. You know the stuff cheesy lifetime movies are made of. The kind of movie where the whole family grieves every year for decades because they lost so and so on Christmas.
My bf well xbf is leaving me tomorrow on Thanksgiving. My mom is making me food and I will go over to her house and pick it up. She made enough for my xbf as well. So he will be finishing packing tonight and move his stuff tomorrow. Eat with me and then be gone.
My parents are eating at my sisters house. They pretty much do every year. I am invited as always, but can't go because I have issues eating around people I don't know. I have not seen my sister in years and all her adult kids will be there and other family members. Truth is I just don't really know them that well. We never were a close family. I pretty much just have my parents family wise. My sister got married soon after I was born so we have a large age gap.
I was doing well with the breakup till last night when it hit me again and I cried for about 2 hours. Then it was gone. It comes in waves. I know the healthy thing to do is after he leaves to soon after be around other people. I know I should go for walks to get outside. The problem is I just don't want to. Right now the last thing I want to do is see anyone. I don't even know if I want to talk to people. I have moments where I feel good and then email people back and I am very thankful for the emails of support I have got. If I don't reply right away please do not take it personal.
I had talked in a past post about stopping therapy. Unfortunately it was not helping and might have been making things worse. So I called on Monday morning Nov. 24th and left a voice mail and basically said "Hey this is Brian and I have an appointment with ***** at 3pm on Tuesday and I am calling to cancel that appointment and I do not want to reschedule...I have been with your program for three years and it really is not working out for me....thanks." and that was that.
I don't have to worry about my Xanax because I get that from my regular doctor, actually the nurse practitioner that I see. I had been taking .25mg twice a day for awhile and since the breakup I have been taking three .25mg a day. I am allowed six .25mg a day so I am only at half the dose. I think a week after he is gone I will try to go back to just taking it twice. I really don't even like being on drugs. Sometimes I wonder if it even helps anymore. It use to. I can't tell now.
My bf well xbf is leaving me tomorrow on Thanksgiving. My mom is making me food and I will go over to her house and pick it up. She made enough for my xbf as well. So he will be finishing packing tonight and move his stuff tomorrow. Eat with me and then be gone.
My parents are eating at my sisters house. They pretty much do every year. I am invited as always, but can't go because I have issues eating around people I don't know. I have not seen my sister in years and all her adult kids will be there and other family members. Truth is I just don't really know them that well. We never were a close family. I pretty much just have my parents family wise. My sister got married soon after I was born so we have a large age gap.
I was doing well with the breakup till last night when it hit me again and I cried for about 2 hours. Then it was gone. It comes in waves. I know the healthy thing to do is after he leaves to soon after be around other people. I know I should go for walks to get outside. The problem is I just don't want to. Right now the last thing I want to do is see anyone. I don't even know if I want to talk to people. I have moments where I feel good and then email people back and I am very thankful for the emails of support I have got. If I don't reply right away please do not take it personal.
I had talked in a past post about stopping therapy. Unfortunately it was not helping and might have been making things worse. So I called on Monday morning Nov. 24th and left a voice mail and basically said "Hey this is Brian and I have an appointment with ***** at 3pm on Tuesday and I am calling to cancel that appointment and I do not want to reschedule...I have been with your program for three years and it really is not working out for me....thanks." and that was that.
I don't have to worry about my Xanax because I get that from my regular doctor, actually the nurse practitioner that I see. I had been taking .25mg twice a day for awhile and since the breakup I have been taking three .25mg a day. I am allowed six .25mg a day so I am only at half the dose. I think a week after he is gone I will try to go back to just taking it twice. I really don't even like being on drugs. Sometimes I wonder if it even helps anymore. It use to. I can't tell now.
Hypochondriac
So soon after my xbf went to work this morning I started to itch on my hip where the elastic band is on my boxers. So I look and I have a hive the size of a pencil eraser. So I think about what I ate in the past few hours and some of the things include tomato juice, walnuts, egg and beans. You know all the foods that are high allergy risk. So if a food did cause it I have no clue which. I also had taken a xanax a few hours before.
So it is a single hive and I feel fine and it seems to be going away, however I am worried I am going to go into complete anaphylactic shock. Now I am also fearful that my first reaction was mild and the next time I eat the offending food I will end up in the ER unable to breathe.
I am also aware that maybe the elastic band poked me the wrong way and that is the cause.
Of course being the hypochondriac I am I looked up hives and it says 80% are of unknown reason and can be caused by stress. Though I am always under stress and have been threw breakups before. So I don't think I have a stress hive.
A few years ago I broke out with a single hive on my knee and had ate a peach and sunflower seeds that day. I stopped eating peaches since and I don't think I have had sunflower seeds either. I doubt I am allergic to either. I would get tested, but you know I don't like blood and needles. Maybe someday.
Not that any of this matters what is going to happen is what is going to happen...it just really gets to me. Like really did I need to get a hive right now? I would assume it was a spider bite, but no clue how a spider would get there. I tried to take a picture of it to show my doctor the next time I go, which is what the dermatology page said to do, but it wont show in the picture.
My mom said she use to get hives after eating oranges and now she doesn't. Why she continued to eat them is beyond me. She was on this medication years ago and had taken it for a long time on and off and never had a problem. Then one day her tongue swelled up so bad she couldn't talk and was taken to the ER. It got so big so fast she couldn't talk properly for a month. I think I was 3 when that happened and don't remember it.
So it is a single hive and I feel fine and it seems to be going away, however I am worried I am going to go into complete anaphylactic shock. Now I am also fearful that my first reaction was mild and the next time I eat the offending food I will end up in the ER unable to breathe.
I am also aware that maybe the elastic band poked me the wrong way and that is the cause.
Of course being the hypochondriac I am I looked up hives and it says 80% are of unknown reason and can be caused by stress. Though I am always under stress and have been threw breakups before. So I don't think I have a stress hive.
A few years ago I broke out with a single hive on my knee and had ate a peach and sunflower seeds that day. I stopped eating peaches since and I don't think I have had sunflower seeds either. I doubt I am allergic to either. I would get tested, but you know I don't like blood and needles. Maybe someday.
Not that any of this matters what is going to happen is what is going to happen...it just really gets to me. Like really did I need to get a hive right now? I would assume it was a spider bite, but no clue how a spider would get there. I tried to take a picture of it to show my doctor the next time I go, which is what the dermatology page said to do, but it wont show in the picture.
My mom said she use to get hives after eating oranges and now she doesn't. Why she continued to eat them is beyond me. She was on this medication years ago and had taken it for a long time on and off and never had a problem. Then one day her tongue swelled up so bad she couldn't talk and was taken to the ER. It got so big so fast she couldn't talk properly for a month. I think I was 3 when that happened and don't remember it.
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