Showing posts with label boiltarian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boiltarian. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The Day My Boyfriend Left
The day my xbf left. Most of the day was going well. I was watching tv while he was packing up his car for his first trip to move stuff out to his new place. I felt surprisingly good, but I was tired. Because I was so tired I did not feel safe driving so I called my mom and asked if it would be ok if my dad drove my thanksgiving dinner over to me instead of me picking it up. She said that was fine. They only live about a mile from me anyway.
My father dropped the food off at about 215pm. My xbf was still out moving stuff into his new place and then went to walmart. So about 230pm I ate my thanksgiving dinner and put his in fridge. He got home about 4pm and I heated his food up. Around that time I started to feel very ill like I was going to throw up plus I was so tired. I had been awake since about 1130pm the night before. So I decided to lay down since I suddenly was not feeling well. I told my xbf to wake me up when he was almost finished loading his car with the second load of stuff (his last load before leaving). I told him I was not feeling well and just needed to lay down.
He woke me up about 630pm and said he was almost ready. I got up and smoked a cigarette with him. Suddenly I started to get the worst cramps. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome so I have had cramps before, but not in a long time. They became so intense I had to go to the bathroom. When I was in there they got so painful. Past the point they usually are. I broke out into a cold sweat and started to pass out. Finally the pain passed and I didn't faint. I stood up and looked in the mirror and I was egg shell white and all clammy looking. I felt pretty woozy.
I came out of the bathroom and my xbf could see how pale I was. I told him I almost passed out from the pain. He stayed for about 10 more minutes and I gave him a hug goodbye and told him I loved him and hugged me back and told me he loved me too. Then he left.
Still feeling very ill I laid back down in bed and started to shiver. I was so cold feeling and eventually I feel back to sleep. I woke up at 1am. I still felt weak and completely wore out and started eating small amounts of food and drinking water. I just laid on the couch mostly yesterday. I felt so sad, but couldn't really grieve because I was so weak and ill.
When I was little about 50% of the time I ate my moms food I became ill and had cramps. Often she tells me she has a "stomach flu", but I sometimes think it is her cooking. Since my xbf and I are going to try to remain friends, I emailed him and told him I was feeling a bit better and asked if he ever got sick since he ate later than I did. He wrote back telling me he didn't, but woke up with a massive headache. However he gets headaches a lot so it does not really mean anything.
I had been on my diet that I told you all about the "boiltarian diet" till the breakup happened. Then I couldn't eat so when I was hungry I would eat anything that I felt like eating. The first whole week I ate nothing but McDonald's followed by TV dinners and Hershey bars. I had not had cramps in almost a year and I think I have completely screwed my body up because of what I was eating. I have never experienced cramps like that before. They were always painful, but anyone who has IBS knows when you have a cramp it peeks at a point, just around the point you can't take the pain the pain goes down. That day it reached it's peek and went 3 times higher. It was more painful than the day I was taken to the ER for my lung issue. In fact I might even say that to date it is the most pain I have ever felt. (My pain is always on my left side thankfully so I know it was not my appendix.).
I started back up on my boiltarian diet yesterday. I have forgotten how crappy I feel off it. Cramps are something I definitely didn't miss having. I went to bed at 6pm yesterday and woke up this morning around 3am. I still feel a little wore out, but so far better than I did feel. I have a ton of trash to take out. I told him just to leave it and I would do it for him, but I didn't know I was going to get that sick when I said it. I am hoping today I can get most of it out.
So far it is hard for me when I go to bed and when I wake up. When I go to bed no one is here and that feels weird. When I wake up no one is in bed next to me and the apartment is just silent. The first few second I am awake I feel ok, then this doom feeling rushes over me almost like "oh shit this is my life". Yesterday during the afternoon I felt ok emotionally. It is so far times like right now when it is dark outside and the apartment is quiet, then I start to feel like I am not going to be ok and that I can't handle this. Then that emotion passes and I feel ok again.
I admit since I almost passed out I am a bit nervous. I feel like I am taking it easy for fear that that feeling will come back and I actually will faint. I am also a little bit scared about living alone. My cat Timo does not know that he moved yet and still thinks he is coming home. Yesterday (Friday) around the time my xbf would come home from work he sat by the stairs and waited like he always does. Eventually he went in the bedroom to sleep. I know he knows something is up because he has been acting stressed and yesterday took a crap on the floor next to his litter box which he never does. I am not looking forward to cleaning that up since I am so squeamish.
My xbf ended up leaving me his desktop computer, the digital camera and even picked me up some cigarettes, plastic cups and paper plates. It is so hard to deal with all of this right now because even though I am angry and so very sad that he left me how can I be angry when he took care of me till the moment he left. I just really miss him. I also worry about my ability to cope long term with this. I mean this is only day two since he has been gone. I already feel like a shell of myself. It is like when that door closed half of me died.
Anyway lets hope today I can eat more and can clean some.
My father dropped the food off at about 215pm. My xbf was still out moving stuff into his new place and then went to walmart. So about 230pm I ate my thanksgiving dinner and put his in fridge. He got home about 4pm and I heated his food up. Around that time I started to feel very ill like I was going to throw up plus I was so tired. I had been awake since about 1130pm the night before. So I decided to lay down since I suddenly was not feeling well. I told my xbf to wake me up when he was almost finished loading his car with the second load of stuff (his last load before leaving). I told him I was not feeling well and just needed to lay down.
He woke me up about 630pm and said he was almost ready. I got up and smoked a cigarette with him. Suddenly I started to get the worst cramps. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome so I have had cramps before, but not in a long time. They became so intense I had to go to the bathroom. When I was in there they got so painful. Past the point they usually are. I broke out into a cold sweat and started to pass out. Finally the pain passed and I didn't faint. I stood up and looked in the mirror and I was egg shell white and all clammy looking. I felt pretty woozy.
I came out of the bathroom and my xbf could see how pale I was. I told him I almost passed out from the pain. He stayed for about 10 more minutes and I gave him a hug goodbye and told him I loved him and hugged me back and told me he loved me too. Then he left.
Still feeling very ill I laid back down in bed and started to shiver. I was so cold feeling and eventually I feel back to sleep. I woke up at 1am. I still felt weak and completely wore out and started eating small amounts of food and drinking water. I just laid on the couch mostly yesterday. I felt so sad, but couldn't really grieve because I was so weak and ill.
When I was little about 50% of the time I ate my moms food I became ill and had cramps. Often she tells me she has a "stomach flu", but I sometimes think it is her cooking. Since my xbf and I are going to try to remain friends, I emailed him and told him I was feeling a bit better and asked if he ever got sick since he ate later than I did. He wrote back telling me he didn't, but woke up with a massive headache. However he gets headaches a lot so it does not really mean anything.
I had been on my diet that I told you all about the "boiltarian diet" till the breakup happened. Then I couldn't eat so when I was hungry I would eat anything that I felt like eating. The first whole week I ate nothing but McDonald's followed by TV dinners and Hershey bars. I had not had cramps in almost a year and I think I have completely screwed my body up because of what I was eating. I have never experienced cramps like that before. They were always painful, but anyone who has IBS knows when you have a cramp it peeks at a point, just around the point you can't take the pain the pain goes down. That day it reached it's peek and went 3 times higher. It was more painful than the day I was taken to the ER for my lung issue. In fact I might even say that to date it is the most pain I have ever felt. (My pain is always on my left side thankfully so I know it was not my appendix.).
I started back up on my boiltarian diet yesterday. I have forgotten how crappy I feel off it. Cramps are something I definitely didn't miss having. I went to bed at 6pm yesterday and woke up this morning around 3am. I still feel a little wore out, but so far better than I did feel. I have a ton of trash to take out. I told him just to leave it and I would do it for him, but I didn't know I was going to get that sick when I said it. I am hoping today I can get most of it out.
So far it is hard for me when I go to bed and when I wake up. When I go to bed no one is here and that feels weird. When I wake up no one is in bed next to me and the apartment is just silent. The first few second I am awake I feel ok, then this doom feeling rushes over me almost like "oh shit this is my life". Yesterday during the afternoon I felt ok emotionally. It is so far times like right now when it is dark outside and the apartment is quiet, then I start to feel like I am not going to be ok and that I can't handle this. Then that emotion passes and I feel ok again.
I admit since I almost passed out I am a bit nervous. I feel like I am taking it easy for fear that that feeling will come back and I actually will faint. I am also a little bit scared about living alone. My cat Timo does not know that he moved yet and still thinks he is coming home. Yesterday (Friday) around the time my xbf would come home from work he sat by the stairs and waited like he always does. Eventually he went in the bedroom to sleep. I know he knows something is up because he has been acting stressed and yesterday took a crap on the floor next to his litter box which he never does. I am not looking forward to cleaning that up since I am so squeamish.
My xbf ended up leaving me his desktop computer, the digital camera and even picked me up some cigarettes, plastic cups and paper plates. It is so hard to deal with all of this right now because even though I am angry and so very sad that he left me how can I be angry when he took care of me till the moment he left. I just really miss him. I also worry about my ability to cope long term with this. I mean this is only day two since he has been gone. I already feel like a shell of myself. It is like when that door closed half of me died.
Anyway lets hope today I can eat more and can clean some.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Affirmation E-mail
I got an email this morning that I thought I would share. I have talked a lot about diet, but I also do believe that affirmations and remembering who you are can be helpful.
After all we do affirmations all the time. It is call the "what if" thinking and the constant loop of negative and scary thoughts or imagines we have passing through our mind. Which is why I believe that intentionally forcing good thoughts can be very helpful and help you find balance in this and any illness, mental or physical.
For me diet can work on your physical being. Diet can give your body all the tools it needs to cope with stress and heal your body and brain. Diet will give you the strength to help you change you thinking process and changing your thinking will help heal the self (the mind).
Here is the email:
"I used to suffer from that.
YOU NEED TO KICK ASS!
Your problems are your mind accepting the ridicule, rejection, and judgment of other people. It's about standing firmly in your own infinite empowerment and REFUSING to feel anything but perfectly natural, beautiful, peaceful, balanced, and competent.
Affirmations will work.
It's all a tragic waste of time. It's being a FOOL.
It's allowing a mindfuck to control your life.
There is nothing to learn.
There is no purpose for the experience.
There is no fruit.
There is only the reality that every second you spend in pain is a humiliating, degrading insult to your nature, your character, your strength, and your spirit.
REFUSE!
REFUSE to tolerate there being something wrong with you.
REFUSE to tolerate being insecure.
REFUSE to tolerate any person intimidating you.
REFUSE to tolerate the sickness that is society.
REFUSE to feel anything but your Natural Divinity and Infinite Empowerment.
Spirituality will set you free.
Transcending victim consciousness will teach you that you control the way you feel about yourself, your life, what you attract to yourself. It will teach you of your infinite internal source, which transcends ANY influence because it is an absolute force of nature.
You are an absolute force of nature.
You owe no apologies.
You owe no excuses.
You owe nothing.
You are a perfect, divine spirit, capable of absolutely anything.
Nothing more, nothing less."
After all we do affirmations all the time. It is call the "what if" thinking and the constant loop of negative and scary thoughts or imagines we have passing through our mind. Which is why I believe that intentionally forcing good thoughts can be very helpful and help you find balance in this and any illness, mental or physical.
For me diet can work on your physical being. Diet can give your body all the tools it needs to cope with stress and heal your body and brain. Diet will give you the strength to help you change you thinking process and changing your thinking will help heal the self (the mind).
Here is the email:
"I used to suffer from that.
YOU NEED TO KICK ASS!
Your problems are your mind accepting the ridicule, rejection, and judgment of other people. It's about standing firmly in your own infinite empowerment and REFUSING to feel anything but perfectly natural, beautiful, peaceful, balanced, and competent.
Affirmations will work.
It's all a tragic waste of time. It's being a FOOL.
It's allowing a mindfuck to control your life.
There is nothing to learn.
There is no purpose for the experience.
There is no fruit.
There is only the reality that every second you spend in pain is a humiliating, degrading insult to your nature, your character, your strength, and your spirit.
REFUSE!
REFUSE to tolerate there being something wrong with you.
REFUSE to tolerate being insecure.
REFUSE to tolerate any person intimidating you.
REFUSE to tolerate the sickness that is society.
REFUSE to feel anything but your Natural Divinity and Infinite Empowerment.
Spirituality will set you free.
Transcending victim consciousness will teach you that you control the way you feel about yourself, your life, what you attract to yourself. It will teach you of your infinite internal source, which transcends ANY influence because it is an absolute force of nature.
You are an absolute force of nature.
You owe no apologies.
You owe no excuses.
You owe nothing.
You are a perfect, divine spirit, capable of absolutely anything.
Nothing more, nothing less."
Monday, October 27, 2008
Free DVD About The Boiltarian Diet
I made a 43 min video about the diet I use to help myself cope with the stress anxiety puts on my body. A few posts down you can watch it for free online. The video was too large for youtube and for some reason google video is not letting me upload it. So I ended up uploading it to the internet archive. The down side to this is that site is so busy, that at times during the day you can't view it.
You can watch it for free on my blog or if you would like a DVD copy of it for free just e-mail me your full name and mailing address and I will get a copy out to you. I have already sent out about 24 copies.
The reason why it is free is because when you convert windows media video to DVD every so often the sound dips for a split second. Also on the DVD just like if you watch the video online there is 10 seconds or so where my voice goes out of sync with my lips and the sound messes up when I say "no bacon".
DVD's will be sent out as fast as possible and in the order requests are received so if you e-mailed me your address rest assured it will be mailed to you.
I am going to continue mailing this DVD out for free till I decide to end it. In the meantime I am eventually going to make a much more professional DVD (with my extremely amateur equipment and software hehe) and that one will be for sale. I already have a distribution company I am going to use when I am pleased with the end product.
The price of that DVD will be as cheap as I can make it. I am not looking to make a profit, but I think that company charges $5.54 per copy plus shipping so I will have to maybe have it around nine dollars. This way people who shop on amazon and have never seen my blog or have been lucky enough to find people on youtube who share the same illness can get a copy.
OK so for now you can get the free DVD by just e-mailing me your full name and mailing address to silentjealousy77@yahoo.com (I will ship to a po box, so if you are uncomfortable giving out your home address a po box is fine.)
***NOTE I will ship this DVD worldwide however make sure that if you are not in the United States that your DVD player can play NTSC format, because I do not have it available in PAL format, which I believe is used in Europe.
You can watch it for free on my blog or if you would like a DVD copy of it for free just e-mail me your full name and mailing address and I will get a copy out to you. I have already sent out about 24 copies.
The reason why it is free is because when you convert windows media video to DVD every so often the sound dips for a split second. Also on the DVD just like if you watch the video online there is 10 seconds or so where my voice goes out of sync with my lips and the sound messes up when I say "no bacon".
DVD's will be sent out as fast as possible and in the order requests are received so if you e-mailed me your address rest assured it will be mailed to you.
I am going to continue mailing this DVD out for free till I decide to end it. In the meantime I am eventually going to make a much more professional DVD (with my extremely amateur equipment and software hehe) and that one will be for sale. I already have a distribution company I am going to use when I am pleased with the end product.
The price of that DVD will be as cheap as I can make it. I am not looking to make a profit, but I think that company charges $5.54 per copy plus shipping so I will have to maybe have it around nine dollars. This way people who shop on amazon and have never seen my blog or have been lucky enough to find people on youtube who share the same illness can get a copy.
OK so for now you can get the free DVD by just e-mailing me your full name and mailing address to silentjealousy77@yahoo.com (I will ship to a po box, so if you are uncomfortable giving out your home address a po box is fine.)
***NOTE I will ship this DVD worldwide however make sure that if you are not in the United States that your DVD player can play NTSC format, because I do not have it available in PAL format, which I believe is used in Europe.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Agoraphobia and Panic Attack Diet (Boiltarian)
A lot of people wanted to know more information on the diet I have done that made me feel a lot better with my anxiety. So I figured I would do a video and try to sum it up for you. It is very amateur and at one point the audio goes out of sync for a few seconds. Sorry about that. I am still new to editing long videos.
I named the diet "The Boiltarian Diet". I was working out the details of it in the past, so if you see anything else online about the diet do not consider it correct at this point till I have time to change what I wrote and remove some videos I made about this diet in the past.
If you have questions feel free to email me.
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