Monday, June 30, 2008

Black Tea And Theanine

I have been reading about Theanine an amino acid found in tea. It can be used to lower anxiety at a certain dose. Since I have anxiety problems I figured I would give this a try. This morning I went to Hannaford supermarket and bought 72 Decaffeinated Black Tea bags. Theanine is found in both green and black tea. I had a reaction to ginseng in green tea before so by default even though it was the ginseng I am scared of green tea. If you feel like trying this feel free to use green tea.

Theanine is also sold in pill form but I rather get it from a natural source such as tea. In order to get enough theanine from the tea everyday drink five to six cups of black tea in double dose. Here is how it works:

16 oz. of hot water and 2 tea bags. Let steep and drink. 8 hours or so later 2 tea bags in 16 oz of hot water, steep and drink. Before bed 1 tea bag in 8 oz. of hot water. (if you are doing 5 tea bags a day if 6 tea bags then before bed 2 tea bags in 16 oz. of water.)

The reason for decaffeinated tea is because you will be drinking a lot more tea than you normally would and also before bed so you don't want to feel more nervous or not be able to fall asleep.

Here is some information on theanine:

"Theanine is an amino acid commonly found in tea (infusions of Camellia sinensis). Theanine is related to glutamine, and can cross the blood-brain barrier.[1] Because it can enter the brain, theanine has psychoactive properties.[2] Theanine has been shown to reduce mental and physical stress"

"Theanine is speculated to produce these effects by increasing the level of gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) production. Theanine increases brain serotonin, dopamine, GABA levels and has micromolar affinities for AMPA, Kainate and NMDA receptors.[6] It has also been found that injecting spontaneously hypertensive mice with theanine significantly lowered levels of 5-hydroxyindoles in the brain.[7] Researchers also speculate that it may inhibit glutamic acid excitotoxicity.[6] Theanine also promotes alpha wave production in the brain.[2]"

"Studies on test rats have shown that even repeated, extremely high doses of theanine cause little to no harmful psychological or physical effects.[8] Theanine showed neuroprotective effects in one rat study.[9]"

"L-theanine may help the body's immune response to infection by boosting the disease-fighting capacity of gamma delta T cells. The study, published in 2003 by the Brigham and Women's Hospital, included a four-week trial with 11 coffee drinkers and 10 tea drinkers, who consumed 600 milliliters of coffee or black tea daily. Blood sample analysis found that the production of anti-bacterial proteins was up to five times higher in the tea-drinkers, an indicator of a stronger immune response.[10]"

If you are on any medications ask your doctor or pharmacist if drinking this much tea can interfere with your medications.

This is how I am starting. Today I had 2 black tea bags in 16 oz of water. Tomorrow I will have 4 total and then the 3rd day drink 5 tea bags. This way I will allow my body to get use to drinking that much tea. I don't expect a cure but am hoping for at least 5% reduction in anxiety. :-)

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Why Must My Dreams Remind Me

So I have been doing pretty good not thinking about the Tetanus vaccine I am getting this fall. Every time I have a scary thought about it I quickly think of something else. I try not to dwell on it.

Last night however I had this dream I went to the doctors office and the nurse I see gave me the vaccine...well first lets my dream I had a doctors appointment to get the vaccine at 4pm. Then I realized it was 4:15pm so I was late and the office closes at 5pm. So I very quickly took a shower and ate something fast to protect myself from passing out when I got the shot.

When I got there they were closed and I begged to get the shot because I could not take one more day of thinking about it. Oh and in my dream I also asked my parents to take me in case I did pass out. I didn't want to drive home. They refused and Keith couldn't take me so I went alone. The receptionist refused to let me in because they were closed but the nurse saw me and said she had time. At this point I felt rushed and stress from that alone.

She got the shot ready and I asked her if it was just the Td shot because I don't want the new Tdap vaccine that has the Pertussis protection. She said she was pretty sure it was just the Td. I asked to look at the bottle which was hard for me because I could see the needle sticking in it from where she started to draw it up. I couldn't tell and I was to nervous and just hoped it was the Td vaccine.

She injected it into my upper arm and I felt weird then very calm. Then she panicked because she made a mistake it was not the Tetanus vaccine she had injected me with but some rubbing alcohol and sterilizer mix. I still felt calm almost drunk and assumed it was from the rubbing alcohol that she just injected into me.

She was very concerned and wanted me to go to the hospital. I still felt calm but yet concerned that I could die. That is all I remember from the dream.

However today since I woke up at 3am I have been thinking a lot more about the tetanus shot and tetanus. I had to go out this morning and clean my car so my father can take it to get inspected at 9am. While I was walking to my car with a plastic bag to empty the ash tray and get rid of any stray trash I was having random thoughts like "It is muggy out I bet there is tetanus everywhere." "What if that squire just ran over and bit me" (The squire was sitting by a tree, eating some bread he had found.) Then when I was cleaning my car I was careful not to cut myself.

On the surface I know all these actions and thoughts are silly but nonetheless I have them and more so because of that dream that freaked me out.

Friday, June 27, 2008

My canned carrots are poison

Well I like to eat a lot of canned carrots. I tend to buy the Hannaford brand so I thought I would write to them to find out if their carrots contain BPA. Their response was much nicer than Hormel Foods. However it does contain BPA. Here is the letter:

"Dear Brian:

Thank you for your recent email. We value your input and are glad to have the opportunity to respond.

I have contacted the supplier of our Hannaford Sliced Carrots, Seneca Foods.. The cans they use do contain some BPA. Seneca, as well as Hannaford are concerned with product integrity and food safety, and fully understand your concerns. I have attached the following article from the Food and Drug Administration in order to provide you with additional information.

Again, thank you for contacting us, Brian, and for choosing Hannaford. If we can further assist you, please do not hesitate to let us know.


Tanisha Joseph
Consumer Research Specialist

Ref 2281835/tanjos

P.O. Box 1000, Portland, Maine 04104, Telephone: 800-213-9040,"

So I will have to just start boiling my own carrots after I finish up the canned ones that I have. Nothing in life is easy. I guess convenient foods aren't so convenient health wise.

The FDA letter they included was just about how the government thinks BPA is safe.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Take Your Bill And Shove It

The reason I am back in NY state is because I crashed in to a major depression when I was living in Panama City Beach, FL. So my boyfriend (who is from FL) moved back with me to NY where I felt safer being at that point in time.

When I was still in Panama City, FL I started throwing up and not eating well I assume from the depression. Well after about eight days of this I threw up and some blood came up. This concerned me and after debating it and being scared I went to Bay Medical Center.

While where they did blood work to check my liver, and electrolytes. I got an injection of pepcid and an IV because they said I was dehydrated. The nurse who was trying to start my IV did it three times and still couldn't get a vein. For a needle/blood phobic this is not cool. I told her to get someone else to do it. Then a guy came in and got it right away. This other nurse who gave me a shot of pepcid (which I had never had before and was nervous about it) while she was injecting it into my vein said "ohhhhh God.....your sooooo phobic." It's like bitch shut the hell up. Of course I was too ill and freaked out to yell at her which I normally would have done. Medical professional who have no bedside manner have no business working with the public.

So that was it except the wise advice from the doctor to take paxil even if I am still drinking alcohol (I was still drinking at that time and had some generic paxil which I never ended up taking) Oh and when I told her how much I was drinking she said "thats everyone in Bay County." So I guess Bay County FL is full of drunks.

So I get the bill and ignore it because I have no money and no health insurance (and Bay Medical Center refused to lower it). I get bills from some collection agency all the time (Collection Bureau Medical Accounts Administration). Here is the bill:

"Creditor Owed
Bay Medical Center/2 $857.84 (that is for the blood work)
Bay Medical Center/2 $2075.51 (that is for the IV, pepcid and wisdom)

We have tried to collect this account in a courteous friendly manner, that being part of our policy. Our efforts, however, have failed to secure your cooperation. Further neglect on your part can only make matters worse. It is the policy of this office to report unpaid accounts to the 3 major credit reporting agencies, which could impair your ability to obtain credit.

Frankly, we would like to know if you intend to pay this!

If your answer is "yes" you must contact the person name at the bottom of this letter within three (3) days to discuss this account. If no response is made by you, we will assume you do not intend to pay this debt, and will process with necessary collection efforts as allowed by current law.

If you wish to pay by Visa or Mastercard, complete the credit card information on the reverse side of this letter. If you carry any insurance that may cover this obligation, fill out the information on the reverse side and return the entire form in the enclosed envolope.

This is an attempt to collect a debt and any information obtained will be used for that purpose. This communication is from a debt collector.


Karen Barfield"

Well Karen "frankly" no I won't be paying this debt nor responding to your letter.

Seriously I called Bay Medical after I got their bill and they refused to lower it. I have no job, no health insurance and sorry but I don't have a spare $3,000 laying around. I have been denied medicaid so oh well. I am not worried about ruining my credit since that is already completely destroyed. Just add it to the list Karen.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Honest Questions

What role do the questions and thoughts of strangers looking at your life and asking questions about your circumstances actually play in your life?

Very little. Sometimes the more upset they are about it or more confused about me in general I get a sick pleasure out of it (some days anyway). If the stranger is a doctor or dentist I get upset and fearful because they should know and understand it plus I have less control and I may also be in a situation that my body is going haywire from anxiety. Depends on my mood though. If I like someone and they don't like me because of my illness then their thoughts upset me.

Do you attach importance to it?
Not really and if I do only when I am in fear mode.

What is it you're after in life?
Calm, Health, Money and even though I don't know what I think about it ..God. God only because I can't save myself and no other human can help me. So if there is a God I would like comfort and answers. And if there isn't a God I would like to brainwash myself into finding one anyway :)

What would make you feel complete and calm, in yourself, and in relation to others around you?

Things I can't have. 100% control and immortality.

Think of the happiest time in your life. What would have to happen for you to be able to get that feeling back again?

I guess go back in time but erase all knowledge of the future or I would have the same scary thoughts as I do now.

I can think of a few things I would erase that would alter everything.

I would not goto the church my parents took me to when I was 5.
I would erase my xgf's abortion.
I would erase 9/11
I would have dropped out of high school.
I would not have got my blood taken that day at the clinic when I first fainted (though if we erased the church thing I would never had met him anyway and we would not have became childhood friends)

I don't think I would erase the lung surgery. But I would have liked if my parents got divorced when I was around 5 years old and an older brother.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Bored With The Nazi's

I don't regret drinking at all. It was fun while it lasted and gave me more of a life than I have now. My only regret is that I wasn't still drinking when I was on I would had been a lot more fun. Or at least that is how I would have viewed it.

The only reason I rarely go on cam is because I have nothing to say. Well nothing most people want to hear. I don't want to answer why I am gay or why I have panic attacks and "Wait you said you went to the store ...I thought you couldn't go outside" like there is a real wall that keeps me in the house or if there was a fire I would just sit here and burn up.

Sometimes I feel like I am living in Nazi Germany Lite. Most people would think I am crazy for even comparing it. It is very much like Nazi Germany in many ways minus the camps (though we have camps just not with people in them yet. Look up Rex84 program). But it is not the same country no matter how TV spins it. You are free to say what you want as long as it is the right thing. If I was very open about some of my thoughts I would get killed by an angry mob of patriots :-).

Do you ever feel there is nothing to do? I mean even if I didn't have this illness anymore what the hell would I really do? Go to the mall, see a movie, a concert, work at a job so I could live paycheck to paycheck? Even if I had a high paying job would I even be happy in it? It is interesting to me when you are removed from social norms you see somethings differently and people ask lots of questions.

Like "What do you do for a living?" (this implies we all work and should be) when I say I don't work people ask "Are you in school?". This implies that if I am not working I am training for work. When I say no then the questions move to "Can I ask why?" "How do you pay your bills?" this implies we all have bills that need to be paid (though that is true because of how our society is setup short of being homeless I could not pull that one off)

I also am asked if I am bored not working as if there is nothing else one can do with their time. Some how if I get in my car and go to work and type on a computer all day that makes me not bored. However if I go from my bedroom, go on the computer and read and type all day that is boring. The source of income is always of interest. "Your BF takes care of you?" No. He pays his half of the bills. "How do you pay?". This is really a question to find out 2 things. 1) If I am on social services so they can think about how people like me are draining their wallet or 2) that I have a secret source of income they would like to know about so they too don't have to work. Don't worry I am not on SSI draining your wallet.

When I have said my parents help out some say "That must be a burden for them." other times I say I jerk off online for cash and that is met with "Oh so you do have a job".

But seriously if I was well what is there to do. Fly to another country and look out into the air and eat at a restaurant? What interests me is that "having a life" means to most people spending money (though that is not how they see it). Everything people do to have "fun" in most cases takes cash. They work so they can give it away when they are off from work. :-)

That is most people anyway. Some like working and are happy with it. Some people like restaurants.

Starting Now

Any post that comes after this post will be in the order of my life. The posts before this post are writings I have done before I had this blog (some were emails I sent to a friend). They are not all in order. However by reading the past posts you can get a general idea about things I have been though and things I think about. The major focus of the posts before this one are about my anxiety disorder.

Clinical Depression and Pale Stools

I have had what I deem real depression two times in my life. First at 18 and last at 29 yrs old which is why I moved back from FL. I would walk around crying I couldn't stop, I couldn't eat or sleep well. I even called a suicide hotline when Keith was working at the gas station near our apartment in FL. Not because I was going to kill myself I just needed to hear a voice.

I would look at Keith sleeping and lay on the floor next to the bed and cry. That depression was all triggered over anxiety of having to see a dentist because my tooth broke. Something so simple put me over the edge and turned my life upside down and his life as well. I get scared when I get worked up because I am scared of the depression returning.

Ok so gross topic.

I had the ultra sound and liver function tests in dec. 2007 because I felt sick and my stool color had gone from normal brown to a brownish yellowish tanish depending on the day. But never brown like normal. I thought maybe I had hep B or hep A. How I got it I wasn't sure but it was possible.

The nurse ordered the ultrasound and I was so scared that I wanted blood work done (I never want blood work). But the ultrasound which looked at my liver, gallbladder and pancreas came back normal. And the liver function test came back normal as well. However they never checked for hepatitis and I later read that the liver enzymes may be normal esp. if it is a new infection and a mild case. Other reasons for the color are gallbladder duct blockage, cancer, liver issues, malabsorption problems blah blah.

Around the same time this all started I was taking xanax and asked if that can cause it and she said no. When it was at its worst pale color was 3 weeks off xanax also my sickest. I returned to xanax from nerves and the color darkened some but not much. The color has been a little lighter since I stopped xanax about 5 days ago.

Because I am to scared right now to do a colon scope or any more blood work I just haven't complained about it. I want to see what happens after I am off xanax for a few months. Also I have no health insurance so some of these tests I just can't afford anyway right now.

I read that some people who get hepatitis B. can never get rid of it..but 90% of people clear the virus. And most people in my age range can. I just hope I don't have chronic hep b and not know it. If I have it at all... which I would know if she did that blood test.

I try to not get upset about it by eating dark foods but its just the color of the food. Grape juice is purplish, beets made it brown red, carrots orange and spinach a deep green. Drinking a lot of milk made it even lighter. So basically I feel broken and wish my damn body would do what its suppose to do.

**UPDATE after staying off xanax for awhile I returned to normal. When I took xanax again it returned to a light pale color. Again when I stopped it returned to normal so it was the xanax and I went through that hell for no reason.

Umm I Am Not Retarded

I have in the past had people talk to me like I am retarded from social services. One time I asked if I should call back when she is feeling better and when she asked what I meant I said you are talking really slow and sound like your falling asleep. She picked up the pace hehe.

Some of the people I admire are Rosie O'Donnell (though she gets on my nerves some days but over all I like her), Alex Jones (he also at times gets on my nerves) Dr Peter Duesberg, Dr Laraine Day, Dr. Tullio Simoncini not because I agree with everything they say but they have all helped me to think against mainstream thought and see other ways of looking at things. At times gave me hope or made me feel not crazy for questioning things.

Many of the people I admire are dead but I think they have helped shape the alternative medicine and free thought movements...Antoine Beauchamp, Dr. J. H. Salisbury, and Linus Pauling.

Tetanus Shot Fear

I have been reading about all these awful reactions people have had from the tetanus vaccine including one girl who had a heart attack from it at age 18. People with loss of movement in their left arm for months and some with permanent loss. Seizures after and some seizures disorders forever after the vaccination, extreme pain from a walnut to baseball size knot that comes out at the injection site that lasts months.

Really I should not have read it ... I was hoping in a demented way to see it's not that bad and ease my fears. Why I am even worrying about it is beyond me I do not work outside and I am not on a farm. Though anyone can get it from even a pin prick size cut it is usually from a puncture wound, soil or feces from an animal getting into a cut when the injury happens or an animal bite that is deep. I know damn well that if I step on a nail I will get the shot. (though now I read that is not always good enough which is sorta why I am obsessing)

Then I read some people who have the vaccine and are 100% up to date have still got tetanus. But in my mind I know if I was up to date the doctors would say "well you did everything you could and this happens sometimes" "oh that poor guy" compared to if I got tetanus with out a booster "well that is why we say you have to get the vaccine" "if only he had got his shots" hence it is all my fault and I got what I deserved in their eyes.

Sometimes I feel all this stress is too much and I can't go on...not in a suicidal way just I don't know how to keep pushing. I go day by day but when I look at the big picture or really think about how my life is it just takes my breath away. As far as I know there is nothing wrong with me (and may never be) but I live in this on and off nightmare that has no end that I can see. I think a lot of times I am just waiting for my anxiety to just someday like magic go away. Or find the cure and be done with it.

New Age Church and Seizures

I don't understand why some person can get blood taken and they faint only to shake it off and not care yet I will become fearful of fainting again out of no place and lock myself in the house. There are tons of people who have cancer and go through horrible treatments and are happy and active. This older woman I knew was like that when she had cancer. She walked to the store. Talked to me outside when I was smoking. I am sure she was scared and sad at times but it didn't stop her life. It would stop me in my tracks the very thought of it happening to me is enough to stop me in my tracks and send me into a mild depression.

I feel like I am missing something. There must be something I am not thinking about or not trying to help myself. The only thing I can think of is to go to this Unitarian church a few miles from me every Sunday (they welcome all religions it is sort of New Age) in hopes I meet kind people and maybe a doctor or dentist who I could be friends with, who really could help me or at least ease my nerves. I really think that if I had a friend who was a doctor they would really know me and maybe figure out what is happening with me or give me my shot on a weekend when the office was closed so I would feel safe to cry and throw up and know they actually care about me. Same with the dentist.

Many days I feel like I am in a race against time to save myself and ward off death. I am scared of making a wrong choice. Like what if I did get that tetanus shot and devoloped a seizure disorder after? A therapist would say "well then you would take medications for your seizures..others have seizures." to me its like are you kidding me? If I didn't get that shot I wouldn't have wrecked my body and no its not ok if I now have seizures.

Ghost Woman

Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a box. I will weigh two options that scare me and pick the less of two evils.. Sometimes things come up like tetanus (the disease vs the vaccine)where my mind will balance both sides as an equal evil or dangerous and it spins out of control demanding a correct answer. That is when it gets really bad.

I wanted to go to this New Age church but have yet to do that. The church thing isn't so much for religion. It was just the only thing I could think of to meet people who might be helpful to me. Most people who go to church at least want to usually be better people so I thought maybe some kind people might be lurking there. My social network is so small right now.

Random story:

When I was a child we use to live in a different house than my parents live now. This ghost woman would come to me and sing to me at night. She was a transparent green color but looked just like a human woman. The only lyrics I remember her singing is "if you want a banana have to eat an apple first" I use to try to scream for my mom but I was unable to move when she was in the room and unable to scream. Well I could scream but no sound came out. (I have tried to find those lyrics online as an adult but never could match them up)

She would only come in the spring. So my parents had me sleep in a different room when spring came so she wouldn't bother me. My mom said one time I was very ill when I was younger and she was sleeping in my bed next to me and she heard a clock start to tick loudly and a whistle noise then there was silence. She knew someone was there and even the bed sank down when whatever it was sat down. It scared her but she never saw the woman like it did. But she did believe me after about her.

I feel like there maybe stuff in my childhood that I can't remember that may have messed me up mentally. Sometimes I try to relax and scan over every memory I can think of. I have this feeling that maybe I was molested at some point and just don't remember. But then maybe it was something else or nothing at all and I am just looking for a reason that doesn't exist.


1. If you could do anything in your life differently what would it be?

When I got my gf in high school pregnant I would have tried to talk her out of having an abortion because now I really would like a child and I am stuck without one.

2. What makes you feel safe/secure?

Wow first thing that came to mind soon as I read that was drugs. But I would have to say close friends and knowledge.

3. What is you favorite thing to do?

This sounds awful but sex with strangers other than that read (pretty boring I know)

4. What is one thing you can't do anymore that you wish you could still do?

Drink Alcohol

5. What is your best quality?

I am a great listener.

6. What is stopping you from doing what you want to do in life?

My mental state / illnesses

7. If you could change or create one law, what would it be?

ban cigarettes

Failed Experiment

After I had lung surgery the doctors wanted to give me Vioxx but I refused it and asked for an equal drug. Some of the doctors had a fit but I told them no I read that there were reports to the FDA that people, even young people were having heart attacks on Vioxx. Some of them were not please and started to lecture me about how it was nonsense or how they had not heard of it. When I left the hospital my dad took my prescriptions, filled them and came home with Vioxx. I told him return it I am not taking it. He had a fit. But he did and I called the doctor and got the other drug.

I often wonder if those doctors remembered me when Vioxx was pulled from the market a few years ago. Vioxx is back on the market with a black box warning now that Vioxx can cause heart attacks.

So I am trying a new experiment. I am not complaining out loud or "mothering" Keith.

You know how when a man plays a violin for a long period of time they can find in brain scans that his brain has more neuroconnections in that area of the brain. The brain has this habit of making more and more neuroconnections the more you think about something and the more you do something. When someone stops thinking so much about a topic or memory over time the brain slowly starts to unplug its neuroconnections from that idea or memory.

I didn't complain once this morning to Keith about anything at all and I must say it was very hard. I think he was worried about me because he even danced around the living room to get my attention and try to make me laugh.

My parents have nagged me my whole life. I promised myself I would not be like them yet it has carried into my relationships. I always tell Keith to "make sure" and "be careful" or "be sure not to" instead of letting him live his own life. It feeds into my control issues.

I have come to realize that all my complaining and expressing my fears out loud is worthless in most situations because the harsh reality is most people just don't care or are tired of hearing it. Nothing I say has any meaning anymore. If I say I am sick feeling what power does that have? I say I am sick everyday so they half listen and I get upset because they don't care or hear me.

My mother only talks about illness and disease or disaster or complains so talking to her and not complaining will be a challenge.

My fear is that if I stop telling them they will assume nothing is wrong and I am all better so when I can't do something they will question me and say "But I thought you were doing so well." When in reality I just shut up.

I just know that I have become everything that I hated about my parents and more so. I also know that I have become more and more like fear itself. Sometimes I picture fear like a demon or a sort of outside entity. I have been hanging around fear so long that I have become more like it. It's like when you hang out with the wrong crowd you change. It reminds me of a line from a movie "when you dance with the devil the devil doesn't change the devil changes you."

Many times I see my anxiety as an "it" and outside force that attacks me. But there is no "it" the enemy doesn't stand next to me is me.

My Issues

I have a ton of different issues.

Panic attacks for no reason or in very stressful situations or if I scary myself with a thought. Thankfully they don't happen that often.

Agoraphobia because I am scared to be out in public and only feel safe when I am home.

Generalized anxiety disorder because I live in a simi nervous state even on good days.

When my anxiety is triggered I get scary thoughts that play over and over in my head which I refer to as "scary movies" in my mind. Those scary thoughts feed my anxiety and I can't stop them and I become fixated on one or a few things like side effects from drugs, fainting or both.

I have phobias which are mainly blood, seizures and fainting with others that feed off those two.

When I am very stressed out I do start to have OCD like thoughts but no therapist has said anything and when I asked if I had OCD they said no.

I think most anxiety disorders can bleed some into other types. When I was little I would clean my hands a lot and in gym class if we spun around in class I would count it or try to so when I got home I could spin the other direction to "unwind my self" Like I had a rope attached to me and the universe. That all ended as an adult.

Sometimes but rarely I check light switches, I have issues with raw meat handling and cooking it completely (I over cook it) because I am scared of food poisoning. I won't eat food made by strangers and have strange feelings that if someone was near my food they poisoned it. Again that is not all the time and doesn't seem to stop my life the way my anxiety does.

Depression hits me hard not very often thank God. When it does I will cry and get extra scared. By cry I mean most the day and pace back and forth when I am alone crying. I will try to act normal but feel deep despair. Just seeing happy people on tv makes me cry because I can't feel it (happiness). It is like I was sucked into a void and I become scared I will kill myself. I never want to but I worry during depression that I will black out and when I come too my wrists will be slit. So I stay on the couch or in bed and get scared to move. That will last about 3 months. At that time everyone begs me to take pills and doctors have tried to do anything to get me to take them but I refuse to make a medical choice in that state of mind so people aren't pleased.

Paxil to me is like the mythical devil. I pretty much know what to expect when I take it. Part of my issue is I know in that bottle I can change myself. Become a person that doesn't even exist. When you are at a point that you hate being you and there is a new person sitting in the bottle it become tempting. I do wish they could come out with better medications or at least better answers as to why people suffer from anxiety or depression..

Knowledge and the downside

Tonight I am doing ok. Better than last night.

One of my real problems is I think I see things for how they really are. I am sure it is warped by anxiety but sometimes I wish I never read so much about the past, history of governments, history of medication, vaccines, secret societies, cults, backgrounds of religions. I think it really all twisted me bad. And I can't unlearn any of it. I don't think I can ever see the world the same.

I watch people on cam sites and sometimes they seem so alien to me and empty knowledge wise...but most are happy. People have said to me "why do you read that stuff" truth is I don't know. I guess once I realized we were being lied to about certain topics I got upset and wanted to see the truth. Now I wish I didn't know some of the truth.

If there was such a thing as reincarnation and you had a choice would you come back to earth as a human? I don't think I would. I really don't want to be here again.

More questions

1. If you could be reincarnated, what animal would you come back as?

Hmmm that is hard because if I had to come back I wanted to be a plant. As an animal I guess a water snail.

2. What is your personal motto?

Until you asked I never realized I didn't have one. Maybe learn as much as you can.

3. What country would you most like to visit and why?

Germany to see the concentration camps.

4. If you could live at any time in history, (as a middle class person), when would you choose? (including future)

This is so hard to answer because I include medical knowledge of that time. I guess the future around the year 10000 and hope for the best.

5. What is your favorite sound?

Sound of a campaign glass breaking on a stone floor.

6. What has been your greatest accomplishment to date?

surviving my lung surgery

7. What is your greatest virtue?


8. What is the greatest act of kindness you have seen in real life?

I never have seen it in real life. Maybe someone lending a dime or helping someone up who fell. I can think of things I have done in real life.

9. Assuming one exists, what would you want the "afterlife" to be?

Calm, no pain, people I like around me and still be able to learn. I guess the good things that happen on earth and the things I was robbed of in part because of my illness.

Some of my views on God

If I have any religion at all sometimes I think there is a God and I pray to him in my head. But I am unsure if he is conscious or just a power source. If he is conscious I don't know if he is aware of us.

Example..I have skin cells. They are alive and dividing. They eat stuff from my blood and have oxygen brought to them. I am the force that keeps them alive because I eat and breath. Without me they will all die. However I do not know each one of them. I don't have a favorite. If one becomes ill and dies I don't even know nor try to save it. If I cut my hand I will have accidentally killed many of them but I am more concerned that my hand was cut and pay no attention to them.

Then other times I think there is a God and he listens to me but I pray directly to God itself and not through Jesus because that has always felt weird to me.

Then other times I assume there is no God and it is fear in us that causes the brain to create something with more power then us to find comfort in. That an outside force will help us. It could be a control factor. "I have no control but my God is in control"

I go between all those thoughts. Many religious leaders do have good things to say. I do like some Buddhist sayings. One that sticks with me though and I don't think it enough is "When you are fearful or scared you are already dead." The point being when you are scared you don't want to die. This skips that step and says you are already dead. Oddly enough it has helped me sometimes because when you agree with it even for a second you are already dead the fear lifts. There is nothing left to be scared of. Till the mind reminds you "no bitch you are still alive stop trying to fool yourself" lol

To sum myself up currently outside of all the fear and worry there is another part that is bugging me. I am not suicidal, and I don't want to die but I have lost my will to live. I would still fight to stay alive but I am unsure why I would. It is a weird mix of I don't want to go but I really don't want to stay. Because I feel that way I am unsure why I am still scared of dying. You would think if I was scared of the vaccine killing me I would be indifferent. But then maybe it is because I assume I will live and the horror would just be a life long injury.

I know when I went to bed last night I cried for a few minutes then feel asleep. Woke up this morning. Soon after I opened my eyes my heart started pounding and racing. I looked at the A/C unit in the window for a few minutes and then got up.

I still see my doc on Monday and still plan on getting the paxil but I just don't think I will take it anymore. Despite what I said I read too much about people being left with permanent seizures after and though I am sure it is rare I am just scared. But I will have it if she gives it to me in case I change my mind.

Went to the Doctor

Well I went to the Doctor. No big developments. She was nice and listen. Wanted to up my dose of Xanax, then wanted to put me on Zoloft a low does of 50mg which I told her wasn't low. If I was willing to do Zoloft it would be 25mg. She chuckled.

She wanted to give me the tetanus vaccine today but I told her I couldn't because if I pass out I have no one to take me home and explained why I wanted to wait till the fall because if I fainted I don't want to deal with the summer heat after.

She listened, was at a loss as to what to do for me. Asked if I wanted Paxil since I brought it up even though I was scared of it. I told her yes but wasn't sure if I was going to take it.

Dropped the prescription off at the pharmacy. They have to order it and will call me when it comes in in a day or two.

Oh and I did give her a 7 page print out about needle phobia. She calms she will read it. I also told her about the crying and the obsessive thinking about tetanus, my fears over the vaccine and my weight loss (I have lost 15 lbs. over the past few months).

The worse part is there really isn't anything they can do anyway besides drugs.


Ok so my mom just called me back from work to see how it went at the doctors office most statements were "I just don't know what to do" "maybe you belong in a mental hospital" that last statement pissed me off what the fuck?

She said "well what did she say about the weight loss" nothing seriously if I have been this nervous is it really any mystery? The mental hospital statement was so they "could talk to me and give me meds". Why the fuck would I take meds like magic in a mental hospital? Unless they were forced. And is the fucking doctor there going to wave his magic wand and cure me because its in a fucking mental hospital? And I would like to know without insurance who the hell is going to pay for my fun trip the a mental hospital?...jesus wtf

Some of my Fears

I am not really sure how and why I pick certain topics to fear. Like before I had lung surgery I worried about my heart, kidneys and testicular cancer etc etc. The lung took me by surprise because I never worried about that nor thought I would have lung surgery.

I do worry about lung cancer and others disease from smoking but not as much as other things like tetanus and vaccine damage, fainting, or mercury. I am aware that I am more likely to have a car crash, slip in the shower or fall down a flight of stairs or burn in a house fire than die from the vaccine.

The risk of seizure is about the same for paxil as it is for some antibiotics but I am scared less of the antibiotics which like vaccines can cause bad allergic reactions. I think I worry less about seizures and antibiotics because I take them for 7 to 10 days and there is a limited time I have to get through with them. After it is over. With paxil there is no end time I keep taking it everyday for months or years on end. So it becomes more of a danger in my mind.

I do worry about all the disease cigarettes cause but the addiction is so powerful it can override my fears which says a lot about the power of nicotine. I also assume that after I quit smoking I will always worry or assume I will still be killed by cigarettes because I use to be a smoker and the damage is done. I still want to quit though.

The funny thing is I am more likely to die on the way to get my vaccine. That seems not to be an issue in my head. The focal point is all based on the one moment in time. Why I do that I am unsure.

Celebrity Poverty

When I was younger I wanted to be a celebrity but no way would I want that now. It is so empty and pointless. I met a lot of celebrities when I working in Atlanta GA. and when I use to date a radio personality here in Albany years ago. (we were together 2 years) All the celebrities I met were either rude or stupid or both only 2 out of about 30 that I met seemed decent and like a normal person. And that was Pink and Gwen Stefani (when she was still with No Doubt).

I skipped the celebrity and went right to the porn thing which was only because of the anxiety. Not that I regret it. People think I should but I don't. It is still my backup for extra cash. My heart isn't in it anymore so to be honest I only do the live cam when I want something which is rare like a book.

I thought I wanted a house but that almost seems pointless to me. If Keith gets one I will live in it but I don't care if I am in an apartment or trailer. My clothes are simple jeans and t-shirts. I feel no need to have expensive clothes or expensive cars. Even if I was rich I think I would buy a used car that was decent. The more I own the more burden I feel. That wasn't always the case I use to be very materialistic. That changed after lung surgery.

I only want to be rich so I can afford health insurance and not have to worry about food anymore or if I was on vacation and had to come home due to anxiety I could just buy a ticket. Also if I was ill money could buy me comfort (better doctors better care). Also money would get me a nice dentist office that has new technology. That would make me feel more comfortable. My reasons for being rich is a far cry from people who want it to buy buy buy and have parties. I would also help people with it.

Very few people stop to think about why we are here, think about death and why we do the things we do. I do see happy people who in a lot of ways are more empty than me. They live on the surface. I am still jealous of them sometimes.

Many people are scared of the end of the world. I am not. I sort of welcome it. It would save me a lot of trouble.

Animals are happy because they don't know about death like we do. If my cats heart skips he doesn't care.

Wow I just went to the bathroom and threw up. That happened last time I stopped that xanax too a few days later. Not to mention I felt off when I woke up like my mood is going to head down slowly now.

I woke up at 4am because I had to pee and when I got back to bed I laid down and my heart started racing really fast and I felt ill but drifted back off to sleep. Then I started dreaming last night that I took a paxil and I was at my doctors office checking my pulse to see if my heart rate had changed yet. In my dream I started to feel happy but weird. I was concerned and I wasn't. That is all I remember.

Questions and Random Thoughts

"Did you have any warning signs years before you had problems with your anxiety?"

For me it really started in 9th grade 15/16 years old. But in 7th grade we went on a trip to Montreal (our french class) and I felt sick, got on the bus and threw up while sitting in my seat. The kid next to me looked so shocked his face was priceless. That was not cool. Then I threw up again half way there at a rest area. I felt jittery even the night before the trip. I was excited about going but got weird.

Years before growing up if I thought I was going to get in trouble with some adult (like a friends parent) I would run and hide in the bushes or behind a large rock and felt scared.

I legally changed my name to Brian. I did that in part because I thought I could change who I was in some demented way. I did that 10 years ago (1998). Plus I always hated my first name anyway.

So this is how I am handling the current high anxiety situation I am in. Everytime I think about that stupid tetanus vaccine or tetanus I tell myself "there is no point in worrying about it right now you aren't even going for 5 to 6 months. Worry about it then." Then I look up vaccine side effects and make myself stop after a few minutes. Because I am working on not doing that.

The other thing I am doing is trying to find what I can do to relax. Because since I am stuck in a simi high state of stress from xanax withdrawal and vaccine fear I figure I shouldn't waste this time I have to see what works. Because assuming all goes well months from now my stress level will return to it's normal high level. If I can learn to help myself now then it should be easy later.

I looked up meditation on youtube to find an easy one and did that. I can't say it helped but I know you have to stick with it. I also have been doing this weird thing that is not based on anything I read. Before I go to bed I try to come out of my body. But I fall asleep before anything happens.

I think I am doing that because I want some escape from the stress. If I could get out of my body and have some out of body experience I might be less scared of death (or super freaked out that I came out of my body lol) I doubt I will be able to anyway.

Keith is like "If you get out will you come back to your body?" I was like yes duh I would be dead if I didn't and I don't want to die.

My mom thought Mars was closer to earth than the Moon. I informed her it wasn't. I just wonder how she thought that. You can see the Moon really clear and not Mars. Unless she thought Mars was that tiny. But this small example shows how I have a hard time conveying to my mother side effects of some drugs and how brain chemicals work.

Riding The Paxil Wave

I started paxil in Nov. 2000. I had had my lung surgery in Aug. 2000. I took 10mg and felt sick when I took it but kept taking it anyway. My mom wanted me to stop if I felt so sick but I kept saying it takes weeks to adjust to it. I didn't drink alcohol on it at first. By mid Dec. I was a different person. Nothing bothered me. The world seemed sort of magical. I drove towards NYC and went to a gay bar outside the city and started making out with this cute guy (he was drunk), I still wasn't drinking and I had no anxiety at all. I felt the same in the club with the music and lights going as I would if I was drinking. My mood would adjust with the situation. Fear of real dangers started to fade too.

I met this guy who will remain nameless. He stayed with me 3 or 4 days during which time I met his sister who was a stripper. He liked watching her strip and thought she was great so we went to the strip club to see her.

With in 4 days of knowing him a bus pasted by and said great deals to Orlando FL. I said do you want to move? He said where? I said FL. He said ok. So the next night he packed his clothes. I took what I wanted and put it in my car and left for FL.

I called my father from Washington DC to inform him I was moving to FL and to tell mom because I didn't want to hear her crying and would call her when I got there. I first looked for apartments in Tallahassee FL but they all sucked and then went 2 hours west to Panama City FL. where we got an apartment and lived. This was now Jan. 2nd 2001 less than 2 months after I took my first pill.

In NC on the way down the guy I was with asked me if I wanted to date him. I said yes and so by FL we were bfs. I quickly became popular at the gay bars and started drinking alcohol with the paxil in feb. 2001.

I stopped taking paxil in mid May 2001 and broke up with they guy in late May and sent him home on a bus back to NY. I didn't like being in Panama City anymore and had a black drag queen move in with me. We decided to move and Sept 1st 2001 moved to Atlanta GA together. Sept 11th happened and there were no jobs because everyone was scared so I was stuck and began going to the bars and bathhouses started escorting and did a porn video (I had stopped porn before my lung surgery but returned to it) by this point since Feb 2001 I had been drinking a lot and continued to.

Got the job eventually at the hotel in Atlanta above CNN. Stayed a few months at the job, threw the drag queen out..few months later moved back to NY.

I never drank much till I took paxil and continued to drink every day 12 beers on average or more till Nov 2007 when I almost killed myself with it. I tried to stop several times before that but always went back to it. This has been the longest I have gone but I have a phobia of it now since I fainted from it so I think it will last.

Of course between Atlanta and now I moved back to Panama City, FL and that is how I met Keith. Now back here again. :)

This is the short version of course hehe

Left Handed and Smoking

I wish I was left handed. I tried to be. Oddly enough and this might be too much information but I can only jerk off with my left hand. So on videos people always see it and ask if I am left handed.

I sometimes wonder why fainting made me stop drinking but lung surgery didn't make me stop smoking. I think it is because the lung surgery and smoking weren't related so the scare wasn't there. With the drinking I went to the bathroom, stood by the sink, felt like someone just punched me really hard in my stomach and called out to Keith.

Next thing I new I was on the floor two minutes had passed and he was freaked out and wasn't sure if I had a seizure or not because I was moving around gasping for air. After going to the ER I found out I actually had a convulsive faint that is why I was doing that.

Since fainting and seizures are a strong phobia of mine I linked it to the alcohol. I had to drink alcohol for a few days after I fainted because I couldn't afford detox and had to tapper off. The last day I drank I had a major panic attack adding to the fear of alcohol. So if I drank now there is no way I could enjoy it. I would just be filled with fear.

I haven't left the house in about 5 days. Most weeks I don't go any place at all. If I go out it is to see a doctor. Some days I am ok and go to the store to buy food. Keith doesn't go with me places... oddly I do better on my own. Unless I go to the dentist, getting a shot or having blood taken then I need people.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is bull

I think cognitive/behavioral therapy its bull. I think their success rate is for minor anxiety like "I ate peanuts five minutes before I developed appendicitis and now I am scared to eat peanuts doctor. I just don't know what to do...I always enjoyed making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for my kids and now I feel scared making them. I feel like an awful mother because I am denying my kids peanut butter ahhhhhhwwwhhhaaaaaa boo hoo" Then the doctor has her eat half a peanut and nothing happens so a few weeks later she is "cured" she was labeled as having an anxiety and it is now gone. I think it all gets lumped in.

That and some people lets face it are simple minded or stupid so a doctor can say "This is a panic attack that you had. It is just because you were stressed out. It most likely won't happen again.." "ok thanks doctor"

They are the same people you later see online "I use to have panic attacks but a panic attack is nothing more than the body having too much stress...just take a deep breath and ask God for help. Are you getting enough B vitamins? They really help with stress. Maybe try yoga." They somehow think their few panic attacks even compare to the level some people can have. It is like an earthquake some are 4.2 and some are 8.0 both are earthquakes but there is a major difference.


Well the stool color is normal now that I am off xanax. I knew that drug was doing that and the nurse was that wouldn't cause that. (note: other drugs say if you stool turns pale and/or you get dark urine this is a serious side effect involving the liver. Call your doctor immediately!") No idea if what was happening was dangerous or not.

Do you lie?

Yea I mostly lie to my parents and when I have an employer. My mother is also a good liar and I noticed years ago that I am good at it as well. In the moment when I am telling the lie I believe it...which is why if I didn't have anxiety I might have been a good actor or lawyer. I don't lie to hurt others I do it to cover myself or prevent others from being upset.

You know what is weird I have been dreaming about paxil every night for about a week and a half now. At some point in my dreams I am taking paxil, checking my heart rate to see if paxil changed it. Other dreams I feel so much better from taking it. I dream about getting refills of it. It is so strange that paxil keeps popping up in my dreams.

Last night I had a dream I was taking paxil and Keith admitted to me that he was cheating on me with some black guy at work. I went to spy and the black guy had no teeth and was so nasty looking I couldn't be jealous at all. I was mad at him and thought about kicking him out but then I let him stay and for some reason just didn't care. Then the thunderstorm we were having woke me up.

Last night around 4am I thought I was having a heart attack. The weird thing is I wasn't that freaked out. I kept typing to people online and thinking "ok should I wake Keith up? or Just wait and see if it gets worse and then just call an ambulance?...I really hope this isn't a heart attack because I didn't shower today...I can't be having a heart attack from stopping xanax could I? I wonder if all the stress I am under and smoking is actually causing a heart attack. I am sure this is just heartburn maybe I should take a pepcid...nah I will wait because if it is a heart attack I don't know if pepcid will make it worse. Maybe I should chew an aspirin....I will wait and least the pain isn't spreading to my jaw or shoulder and I don't feel dizzy." Then I burped and tasted the slim jim I ate like 8 hours ago. So I assumed it was heart burn and soon after it stopped anyway. But I never really freaked out during it. It was more.."this isn't a good time for a heart attack" feeling.

Toys I played with and porn sites

Lets see toys I use to play with. It was a mix. The only children around my house when I was growing up were girls at first so I use to play with their barbies, my little pony, strawberry shortcake, and rainbow bright dolls with them. I did have he-man and a few star wars toys, a Mr. T tall action figure, and E.T. doll, and a Michael Jackson action figure and some robot that played a movie on his chest and blew smoke rings out of his mouth (which I use to inhale and exhale sometimes...and then I became a smoker later I should sue.)

The only girl thing I had was rainbow bright sheets and pillowcase. I convinced my mom to get them for me. I really wanted an easy bake oven but never got one. I seemed to like all toys both girl and boy toys equally.

Porn on the internet is so hit or miss. I go to lustypuppy sometimes. It just has free clips. Some is fine but it is mixed with stuff I have no interest in and I find most guys are not my type. I also look at people on cam4.

It is funny and I know it is because I am older but sex just is not a driving force in my life like it use to be when I was a teen or in my mid 20's. I remember thinking about it all the time and acting on it. Now I just think about it several times a day but too lazy to even act on it.

When I chat on there is men older than me that seem to care about sex way more than me. The conversation is usually "so what are you looking for?" "what are you into?"

I annoy people because I become this robot that only tells extreme truth and ruins the fantasy they have of me. I have fun doing it too.

person: you lookin?
me: nah
person: why not?
me: i have a bf
person: i went to your site you have a nice dick
me: thx
person: I would love to suck it
me: i don't get blow jobs I only give them.
person: cool ..why don't you get blow jobs
me: I react to saliva even my own and the pills to fix it aren't worth it.
person: are you a top?
me: bottom
person: what a waste of a big dick
me: yeah.

They usually go away after that or the other classic convo.

person: you want to meet up I can host
me: nah
person:why not
me: I have a bf
person: I am discreet and won't tell ...wife here
me: cool
person: so what do you do
me: nothing I don't work
person: school?
me: no
person: want to come over?
me: I don't leave my house often
person: why not?
me: agoraphobia
person: whats that?

Anyway I do that to most people. Unless the person seems cool then I chat with them and act normal. (that is rare though). And seriously guys I have a BF there will be no hooking up.

Questions Death

Do you think life is a test?

Sometimes I do and I think I am failing at it. I am not sure if it is a test. I feel like I did in gym class I watched everyone else play but I didn't because I did not want to get hurt. (Like when they played football)

Do you think life is hell and we've all sinned in past lives and that's why we're here right now?

Sometimes I think this might be a form of hell or maybe hell itself. I also sometimes think this isn't hell but I am paying for bad things I did in past lives and also paying for things I have done in this one as well.

Do you think everything we've done in life comes back when we die (good and bad)?

In the past I would have said yes but after I got really sick with my lung (Summer year 2000) there was this peace in all the pain I was in. Fear melted away and the other world was not far away it never was. I could feel it. It is right here next to us. We are only separated from it by a curtain... it seemed that thin of a wall.

There was no anger or judgment. There just was... and I just was. It is very hard to put into words. When I woke up after the surgery that feeling was gone and I knew I would live. I missed that feeling because my old self flooded back. As time has gone on I can't remember how it felt and question what I felt. The more time that passes the more I forget but I know I have never had that peace before or since.. whatever caused it to happen.

I sound like I am talking crazy but it's true and I have told very few people. My mom didn't like it at all. I told here when I was going through it and she took it as I was welcoming death. But it was more that it was ok if I died and it was ok if I lived both were equal.

During that time I went to the ocean, I ate lobster, went to graveyards and took pictures of tombstones. I took pictures of a lot of things actually. I went to the mall. I had very little fear of anything. I was nervous about how the surgery would go but I didn't have panic attacks.

I question what I felt because I also had to take pain meds. I have taken them after and did not have the same experience though. But like I said now that it has been so long I explain it away and the feeling is very hard to remember.

If anything that memory / feeling I had at that time is what seems to have messed me up even more.. I think my pain pill addiction and drinking to the edge of coma at times were attempts to stay close to death or get that feeling to come back.

Juicer and Shaved Head

I use to use my juicer a lot. Again it comes down to me cleaning it that is a hassle. If I had a dishwasher I think I would use it more. If you own a juicer and haven't figured this out yet the pulp that gets stuck in the screen of the juicer is removed easily if you clean it with a toothbrush.

I like some herbal teas but again fear an allergic reaction but I still drink it anyway. Regular tea I stay away from even decaff. Though I don't have a fear of decaff tea it just is really never in the house. I do have a fear of green tea but that is only because when I had a reaction to ginseng it was mixed with green tea. The ginseng reaction is also why I fear some herbs.

I like chocolate but don't eat it much unless you count chocolate milk which I doubt is real chocolate for the most part.

I tend to drink a lot of orange juice. I also like tomato juice.

I just shaved my head again and took a shower. This time I put tape over my bangs to keep them. I miss my spikes now. By the time it grows back this time my hair will be long enough (with my bangs) to get my hair cut at the stylist. I think I will be ok now since I have had such a large break from having to go there. I get anxiety attacks when I have to go get my hair cut.

Montreal and Tetanus

I wanted to go with Keith to Montreal. I don't think I will be able to go to Montreal this year because my state of mind is so mess up. It is more messed up than normal over the past six month. So much so I wonder sometimes if I am losing my mind.

I am in a fixation on the tetanus shot more so than normal today. I use to walk around the house with socks on now I wear slippers all the time to prevent my feet from getting cut so I don't get tetanus. I hate the thoughts because both equally scare me. I am scared of the vaccine and I am scared of the illness. (my last tetanus shot was when I was 10 years old maybe 7 years old. I am now 32)

I know I am going to get that stupid shot in the fall so why I am so concerned about it right this second is beyond me. I actually view that future date as the day I will die or have a bad reaction/faint/seizure. I guess I am stressed the same way someone would feel stressed if they knew Nov. 23rd of this year they would die. (random date I have no clue when I am getting that shot)

I wish it was the fall already so I could just get the damn shot and be done with it. I just won't do it in the summer for several reasons but mainly I want cold air when I come out of the doctors office.

I am forcing myself to eat healthy again. I am also going to force myself to start going for walks. I figure the more healthy I am should I have a reaction maybe my body would be better equipped to deal with it if my body was in better shape.

Self Medicating

I wish there was away to help anxiety without sedating the brain. I am always looking. What the doctors say makes no sense. I started to see that years ago. For example if we have to little serotonin then why when we up it (by trapping it) in the brain do people lose their sex drive and all these other side effects. If we were just replacing something that we lacked there would be little issue.

I find it odd that if you drink alcohol or smoke pot you are "self medicating" but when a doctor hands you a pill bottle and the pill makes you feel the same way with more side effects it is ok.

If I drink 2 beers and go to the dentist it is frowned upon. If I swallow a xanax it is ok. They go in circles. I have read so many books on brain chemistry. All of their theories on mental illness are just that theories. There is no proof what so ever that there is anything wrong with our brain chemicals. They report that they found people with low serotonin to be on average depressed. What they don't report is some people had low serotonin or very low serotonin and were 100% fine. That is like saying you have the flu yet no virus to be found in your body. Either everyone who has the flu has the virus or the virus is not the cause of the flu.

I don't like when people tell me to relax in most situations. What they can't see is I am trying to do just that. If I wasn't trying to keep it together it would be a lot more messy than it is.

The simple truth is when people think the risk is low for having a seizure from SSRI drugs it maybe true but not low enough for me to feel safe taking the paxil. My mother and doctors can poo poo that thought all they want. But the truth of the matter is it would be me who had the seizure (if one occurred) not them. Because it is not them who could have one or who did have one they don't care. If my mother had a seizure she would sit up and take major notice. If it was me well things happen stop thinking about it.

If my brain is missing something I can't find it. I will eat the strangest foods even when I don't want to in hopes of finding something. I read though old texts when mental illness research started to see if I can find something they missed or an idea that was shot down that could have been right. I am told I read to much, and should just drug myself up.

Sometimes I think there is a structural difference in our brain that they haven't found yet. Other times I think there is a distortion in the thinking process but not caused by a chemical but my own method of viewing the world and myself.

I also don't like when a doctor or my mother says "but the pills make people feel better." I point out if I shot heroin I would feel better too doesn't make it good for me. They are quick to jump "but that is different this isn't heroin" Really you don't think these drugs will be pulled from the market in the future? Doctors freely handed out heroin and cocaine. Freud thought cocaine was a great drug to treat depression. He took it himself and gave it to his patients. Heroin was advertised for housewives. Showing a sad unhappy woman by the kitchen sink then she took heroin and guess what she was all smiles and the dishes were done and sparkling...her husband was also happy.

Most our drugs are a joke even now. The propaganda behind them are ridiculous. If I had HIV and take an antiviral I can climb mountains and white water raft. If I am old and my bones hurt I can take celebrex and soon will be on a bike built for two with my grandson.

There is a line in the movie Gia and it is meant a statement for fashion but holds true in my mind about the pharmaceutical community. "Every photograph makes a promise, and the promise is never kept."

My theory on the thought disorder is that there are two ways to view something. For example having a seizure could be exciting I have never had one. It would make me special since most people don't. I might even meet some cool people in the hospital maybe even make a friend. A seizure is not the end of the world in most cases and I can get some pills and go home. The pills might even make me feel good. I could enjoy fainting like some people enjoy pain. For others pain can be a sexual experience. That is a change of thought in the extreme but you get my point.

I view the world as a harsh place, with little understanding and lack of compassion. I never really liked how I looked or myself very much. I would see my reflection in the mirror on a bus on the way to school and see a human who seemed not to look like the other kids. I looked alien or stood out in some way. I didn't stand up for myself and was picked on a lot. My parents were over bearing and worriers. I am scared to be happy or think the best. I fear if I do think the best then something worse will happen.

I actually believe that if I let myself go and assume nothing will happen at the dentist like fainting that some how I am more likely to faint. My key to protection is to stay in a constant protective state where everything is a danger or it is right around the corner. I see my death as not a peaceful one but the kind you would see in the Omen movies. A long dragged out fear filled painful process. If I am happy I fear I will be punished. I see my life as a video game only I have one man not three and if I die it is game over. I fear dying because I fear missing the next big thing. If I died during the lung surgery I had I would have missed 9/11. Where all this comes from I am unsure but I think some comes from childhood. That is just some of what I think about.

On a crazy note I view myself as far more intelligent than the average person this may or may not be true. I find most people can't begin to understand what it is like to be me. I view many people as empty shells just spitting information that comes out of magazines or the tv. They to me seem unable to have a real thought that is their own. I fear becoming disabled in some way and left to the mercy of them. A day filled with a person who comes to feed me and tells me "how great I am doing and wow you finished the whole plate"

I know these thoughts or other crazy ones must go through other peoples minds. I have talked to so many people with anxiety and they all have something. This one man he was in a supermarket. He noticed that they were playing Green Day. He remembered they played Green Day the last time he was there as well. He though "hmm I wonder if they play Green Day to keep people in the stores to make them buy more. What is they stopped playing Green Day and people stopped shopping? Then the stores would close and I would have no food to eat." And bam he had his first panic attack. He went to the ER because he knew it was a heart attack. Then he had about 100 more over several months and is now on lexapro. He says he has a hard time getting hard on the drug but the doctor says he doesn't have enough of GABA (I assume he meant serotonin) so he needs it and for the rest of his life. He is an example of doctor knows best. I like to remind people doctors are "practicing" medicine. That is why it is called that.

Parents and The Psych Ward

I am finishing up this book called "New Thought A Practical American Spirituality" it is pretty decent though Chapter 2 was boring and Chapter 6 talked about something I don't know much about yet so it was hard for me to understand (Process Philosophy). The rest has been cool.

I still have my cold but it is not that bad. Next to the flu I had this is a cake walk.

I was thinking about my parents. I have known for a long time that they aren't healthy for me. In fact when I lived in Rochester NY right out of high school (I moved out there to be with my GF and go to college) I use to have nightmares that I would have to move home. I didn't even want to go home on holidays and would feel stressed about that.

I have had a hard time dealing with it because I love my parents but most of the time dislike them. I even remember as a child disliking father more so. That causes me a lot of guilt. Not that I walk around in a constant state of guilt thinking about it non stop but it is in the background. Thoughts pop in my head that I won't have them forever so I should see them or talk to them as much as possible now while I have the time. Yet I find the more I do that the more annoyed I become and my mental health suffers in part due to them.

I am also stuck because they pay for everything. I also have this strong sense that they are my safety net. Statements were often made that I shouldn't do anything without their knowledge because "what if" something bad happened. Some where along the line it printed in my brain that if they weren't there or they didn't know... something bad would happen.

This thought was only made worse. In June of 1994 (17/18 years old) I secretly went off to a doctors clinic to be tested for STD's and blood taken for syphilis and HIV I passed out. In the end my father had to come get me and my sisters husband had to drive my car home. I was alone and scared there and it was the first time I ever fainted.

Later my mom said that I should not have gone without them. I didn't tell them why I went which was because I had been sleeping with my best friend and his GF had Chlamydia. The doctor had also given me a drug to treat it called doxycycline which I didn't tell my parents about and when I took it had a bad reaction and ended up in the bathroom on the floor confessing why I was taking it and how I had slept with some girl at a party. I lied about that since they didn't know I was gay yet. Again I was told I should never take anything without them knowing.

I ended up scared a few days later and went to the hospital ER and confessed I was scared that I had HIV and I also couldn't take the pills a doctor gave me. They gave me some other pills to take while I was in the ER to treat me and I cried and made the mistake of saying sometimes I wish I was just dead. The next thing I knew the police came and took me away to the Psych ward and my mother was called to come collect me after they made sure I wasn't crazy and not going to kill myself. That all happened in less than a week. It did not help me with my anxiety. That week is the basis of many strong fears I now have of medication and blood.

From the outside my parents would seem great. They pay for me and take me to the dentist. But from the inside while they love me there is only financial support and most my life it was like that. A classic example is when I was little I told my mother she didn't love me and that was met with "how can you say that look at all the things we buy you." It is very hard to explain but I just know and have for a long time they are the cause and not the fix to many of my problems. However for the time being I am stuck anyway because I need money and not emotionally ready to be alone.

Seizure Fear and LSD

I never had a seizure thank God. I did have a convulsive faint when I passed out from too much alcohol (That is what made me quit drinking in Nov. 2007). Keith thought I had a seizure but it wasn't thank God.

I have had the fear of seizures before that event thought. I really believe the fear of seizures is because I have the fear of fainting and they are very much the same to me. Both I would drop and be out no control. Both carry similar risks of head injury, falling, or death. Like if one had a seizure or fainted on a highway while driving in busy traffic. Seizures carries the risk of brain damage in some cases. Fainting in rare cases can cause death by cardiovascular collapse even in healthy people. (23 reported cases over the years so it is rare) Both would draw unwanted attention to myself. Both would scare me. Because seizures are more unpredictable than fainting I feel a lack of protection from them. Fainting I can assume in certain settings over heated, overdose on alcohol, blood, needles, injury like a broken bone, pain. Seizures seem random to me. I don't like surprises.

When it comes to the serotonin studies what bothered me is there was no connection at all in some cases to depression or anxiety. Other studies there were and others had mixed results. The evidence seems to have been cherry picked. The studies done at universities paid for by the drug companies showed the strongest link (big surprise). Also when placebo was tested against SSRI drugs in several cases the placebo groups did better than the drug itself. I think it was Prozac that was allowed to pick the studies they wanted that showed the drug worked and handed those over to the FDA.

Buspar is an anti-anxiety drug in the United States. Their web page is "under construction" now but if you go to the "way back machine site" you can view their page. If you check what their page said on Feb 5th 2001 well into the serotonin craze you see this.

They claim that GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) is caused by too much serotonin. Yet Paxil that raises serotonin (by trapping it) is often given to people with GAD.

Also the serotonin link was drawn in part to mice they breed with no serotonin. The mice were sad and nervous. Sad mice make me laugh for some reason.

Schizophrenia was thought to have at first something to do with serotonin because researchers that took LSD found they felt the same way described by schizophrenics. LSD is structurally similar to serotonin.

Monday, June 23, 2008

BPA Update

Well I wrote to Hormel to ask about BPA in the Valley Fresh Canned Chicken I eat and below is their reply.

--- On Mon, 6/23/08, wrote:

Subject: 1624521
Date: Monday, June 23, 2008, 12:10 PM

June 23, 2008

Thank you for contacting us about VALLEY FRESH Chunk Chicken.

The use of polycarbonate plastic and epoxy resins for food contact applications
has been and continues to be recognized as safe by the U.S. Food and Drug
Administration, the European Commission's Scientific Committee on Food, the
United Kingdom Food Standards Agency, the
Japanese Ministry for Health, Labor
and Welfare, and other regulatory authorities worldwide.

Bisphenol A (BPA) is a key building block of epoxy resins.

Metal food and beverage cans have a thin coating on the interior surface, which
is essential to prevent corrosion of the can and contamination of food and
beverages with dissolved metals (UK FSA, 2002). In addition, the coating helps
to prevent canned foods from becoming tainted or spoiled by bacterial
contamination. The major types of interior can coating are made from epoxy
resins, which have achieved wide acceptance for use as protective coatings
because of their exceptional combination of toughness, adhesion, formability
and chemical resistance. Such coatings are essentially inert and have been used
safely for over 40 years. In addition to protecting contents from spoilage,
these coatings make it possible for food products to maintain their quality
taste, while extending shelf life.

Every single can that has any kind of coating on the inside to keep the bar
metal from coming into contact with the food contains BPA. The amount used is
extremely insignificant and the amount of canned food that would have to be
consumed to elevate this substance to levels of concern would be somewhere in
the neighborhood of 500 lbs a day.

Please feel free to contact us again if you have any further questions or

Consumer Response Specialist
Ref # 1624521

My reply:

This did not answer the question as to if that product used a resin that contained BPA. Eden Foods canned goods do not contain BPA (except in their tomato products) So it is possible to not have BPA and still have safe food that "protects" the public from bacteria.

"The amount used is extremely insignificant and the amount of canned food that would have to be consumed to elevate this substance to levels of concern would be somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 lbs a day."

I am aware of that study and it was done by the plastics industry who make that very product. I am also aware of several independent scientific studies that point to problems not in the parts per billion but the parts per trillion.

BPA is being phased out of other plastics in the industry (water bottles, cups, baby bottles etc). Concentrations of BPA was higher in canned goods from "the thin lining" than was found in water bottles.

The FDA says a lot of things are "safe". What I wonder is if the public as a whole is concerned about BPA, regardless what the FDA claims at this point in time, that food companies such as your own would keep business by stopping the use of BPA containing resin.

I assume that I am not the first person to ask a question about BPA in your products since a preplanned responce was sent. This should alert you to the concern your customers have about BPA.

For me it is simple I will not buy your product because it contains BPA. I instead will buy from companies that don't contain this "safe FDA approved" product.



I could have wrote:

I sat here smoking a cigarette upset my your companies response. BPA is a known cancer causing substance in laboratory animals and a known hormone disruptor as it mimics estrogen. While I contemplated what to write as a response to your email I microwaved a number 7 disposable cup that is higher in BPA and not microwave safe to make some chamomile tea since my boyfriend used all the mugs and I was to lazy to clean one with our dish soap that contains Benzaldehyde another hormone disruptor. After my tea I reread your letter to refresh my memory of what it said. And as I smoked my second cigarette I am appalled at your companies general lack of concern for the well being of your customer base.

That letter would not have been deleted but printed out and hung on the wall of her office.


I have been busy trying to find out if all canned food contains BPA or if just the cans with the white liners contain it. I assumed it was the ones with the white plastic liner but other sites says all canned food contain a resin that when heated contains BPA and it leaks into the food.

Some sites say not all canned food contain BPA and then Eden Foods say they are BPA free except their canned tomato products. So since I buy our supermarket brand I emailed Hannaford and asked them if their canned carrots (which I eat a lot of) contains the BPA resin.

Our gov. says that canned food makes up 17% of the American diet but in my case it makes up close to 70% lol.

I am not super worried about it I would just like to know if I am ingesting a possible hormone disruptor / carcinogen. I could always boil my carrots but I really like convenience. I also like my canned chicken so I will email them if and when Hannaford lets me know.

Food and Diet

I would love to make Youtube video's on diet but the problem I am having is just when I find something good it turns out to be contaminated with a new poison. I do however still stand by no dairy. Though I break that rule several times a week. I also believe grains to be harmful to the human body but that is really hard not to eat. When I start to phase out grains I cling to rice.

The reason for grains being harmful is they have only been used for about 10,000 to 15,000 years in the human diet. Assuming scientists are correct about us being here for millions of years we weren't eating grains. If we were dropped in the forest we wouldn't have bread or pasta. So if you think about what you could eat if left outside you are left with fruit, vegetables, meat (including fish), eggs, nuts and insects.

I have a feeling insects played a large role in the human diet in the past but I am not up for switching over to crickets and mealworms.

I do think some of the best things people can do is to not drink, not smoke, and avoid dairy. Avoiding dairy is the hardest esp. when soy cheese has casein proteins from milk . Many of our medications also contain casein. Plus people like cheese, milk and yogurt. Cakes and cookies use milk so people aren't very interested in the no dairy idea. I am also not fond of soy products. When I stop caring about my health I drink a ton of milk and eat cheese sticks.

The problem with the perfect diet is it doesn't exist or it is very individualized. Carrots are great I love them but someone else will drop dead if they eat one. So the diet can't be the same for everyone. Also we live in modern times and 98% of the food is toxic in some way. You get orange juice in a plastic container for example and that can be leeching BPA or other toxins from the plastic into the juice. It is better to pick what the best choice is and hope for the best.

I would rather eat a can of carrots with BPA than have a can of soup with BPA, MSG, Sodium Nitrate and little nutritional value. That is basically how I try to eat. Then I get in a slump and order a pepperoni pizza and eat it all.

Cigarettes by far are the largest killer. I have really been working on cutting back so when I stop again the shock won't be as bad. I keep telling myself all the things I can buy instead. At first I figured I would save the money but I want "toys" to make me feel better about stopping like books, small electronics and better food.


When I was trying to get disability because I have agoraphobia I use to hate it when they said they would call and didn't. "I will call you Monday morning." Then I would set my alarm get up and no call. I would leave a message at the end of the day and set my alarm for Tuesday and get up. No call. A week later I would be sleeping and they would call and leave a message assuming I was not home. I am sure this made them believe I am lying about my agoraphobia. If I didn't answer the phone. I must be out. I never did get approved for disability and to date also have no health insurance. Medicaid said if I can't work then I have to apply for disability. Disability says I am not disabled so I can't get Medicaid. It is just a vicious circle.

Random story:
Keith (my boyfriend) was my enabler when I drank. I would beg him soon after he woke up to go to store to get me beer because I was so sick. If I didn't get it I would only get sicker as time went on. It shot my anxiety through the roof so I was completely unable to go to the store.

I started keeping a few beers to the side so I could drink them first thing in the morning or soon after so I could drive to the store and get more.

I also would have Keith buy me a 12 pack of beer on the way home from work. But to hide how much I was drinking I would have a 24 pack of beer in my closet so when I drank 9 beers from the 12 pack I would fill the box back up with beers from the closet and say I only drank 4.

I also kept alcohol in the trunk of my car. This way I could drink 4 beers on Keith's days off and then claim I was going to mail a letter and chug a beer in the parking lot. Then later I would take out the trash and drink another.

He would go to bed and I would drink more alcohol. I would put the empty bottles on the bottom of the box and new ones on top so it didn't look like I drank as much.

I also would fill beer bottles with water and stick them back in the fridge to make it look like there was more left.

I kept a few shots of vodka in my glove compartment so if I had a panic attack I could drink them.

I quit drinking in Nov. 2007.

I think most people in the world are jerks. What I don't know is why. I bet they don't think they are. I bet if you asked if they were a nice person they would say they were. I am starting to think most of it comes from lack of education.

I looked at a 7th grade test given in the 1800's. It was their final exam and with all that I read I would fail that test. Most of that stuff was not even brought up in 12th grade let alone 7th.

TV floods our minds with garbage and I use to believe the internet was safe. And to me it was for awhile but it is just a new addiction and just as mindless in some cases. The masses flock to Youtube to watch a baby laugh or someone fall down. Others go to Myspace and leave comments for people they will never meet. None of this helps us understand anything. Banner ads now flash wal-mart and coke cola.

I want more than anything to turn it all off and only read my emails. But how can I? I need to know what fight Whoopi and Elizabitch might get into and who will die or get married in some fictional show about a life I rather have that does not even exist in the real world. And I have to look at Youtube because there might be something I missed. Something important that everyone saw that I had not like Beyonce fall on stairs during her concert or a girl singing about how she has a crush on Obama.

There is a time and place for all of it but it seems to have consumed most peoples lives including my own. If you were to drive down a street after sunset you would know where the living room was because there would be an erie blue glow coming out the window. Everyone watching their "programs".

I always liked this clip: