I am finishing up this book called "New Thought A Practical American Spirituality" it is pretty decent though Chapter 2 was boring and Chapter 6 talked about something I don't know much about yet so it was hard for me to understand (Process Philosophy). The rest has been cool.
I still have my cold but it is not that bad. Next to the flu I had this is a cake walk.
I was thinking about my parents. I have known for a long time that they aren't healthy for me. In fact when I lived in Rochester NY right out of high school (I moved out there to be with my GF and go to college) I use to have nightmares that I would have to move home. I didn't even want to go home on holidays and would feel stressed about that.
I have had a hard time dealing with it because I love my parents but most of the time dislike them. I even remember as a child disliking them...my father more so. That causes me a lot of guilt. Not that I walk around in a constant state of guilt thinking about it non stop but it is in the background. Thoughts pop in my head that I won't have them forever so I should see them or talk to them as much as possible now while I have the time. Yet I find the more I do that the more annoyed I become and my mental health suffers in part due to them.
I am also stuck because they pay for everything. I also have this strong sense that they are my safety net. Statements were often made that I shouldn't do anything without their knowledge because "what if" something bad happened. Some where along the line it printed in my brain that if they weren't there or they didn't know... something bad would happen.
This thought was only made worse. In June of 1994 (17/18 years old) I secretly went off to a doctors clinic to be tested for STD's and blood taken for syphilis and HIV I passed out. In the end my father had to come get me and my sisters husband had to drive my car home. I was alone and scared there and it was the first time I ever fainted.
Later my mom said that I should not have gone without them. I didn't tell them why I went which was because I had been sleeping with my best friend and his GF had Chlamydia. The doctor had also given me a drug to treat it called doxycycline which I didn't tell my parents about and when I took it had a bad reaction and ended up in the bathroom on the floor confessing why I was taking it and how I had slept with some girl at a party. I lied about that since they didn't know I was gay yet. Again I was told I should never take anything without them knowing.
I ended up scared a few days later and went to the hospital ER and confessed I was scared that I had HIV and I also couldn't take the pills a doctor gave me. They gave me some other pills to take while I was in the ER to treat me and I cried and made the mistake of saying sometimes I wish I was just dead. The next thing I knew the police came and took me away to the Psych ward and my mother was called to come collect me after they made sure I wasn't crazy and not going to kill myself. That all happened in less than a week. It did not help me with my anxiety. That week is the basis of many strong fears I now have of medication and blood.
From the outside my parents would seem great. They pay for me and take me to the dentist. But from the inside while they love me there is only financial support and most my life it was like that. A classic example is when I was little I told my mother she didn't love me and that was met with "how can you say that look at all the things we buy you." It is very hard to explain but I just know and have for a long time they are the cause and not the fix to many of my problems. However for the time being I am stuck anyway because I need money and not emotionally ready to be alone.