I don't understand why some person can get blood taken and they faint only to shake it off and not care yet I will become fearful of fainting again out of no place and lock myself in the house. There are tons of people who have cancer and go through horrible treatments and are happy and active. This older woman I knew was like that when she had cancer. She walked to the store. Talked to me outside when I was smoking. I am sure she was scared and sad at times but it didn't stop her life. It would stop me in my tracks the very thought of it happening to me is enough to stop me in my tracks and send me into a mild depression.
I feel like I am missing something. There must be something I am not thinking about or not trying to help myself. The only thing I can think of is to go to this Unitarian church a few miles from me every Sunday (they welcome all religions it is sort of New Age) in hopes I meet kind people and maybe a doctor or dentist who I could be friends with, who really could help me or at least ease my nerves. I really think that if I had a friend who was a doctor they would really know me and maybe figure out what is happening with me or give me my shot on a weekend when the office was closed so I would feel safe to cry and throw up and know they actually care about me. Same with the dentist.
Many days I feel like I am in a race against time to save myself and ward off death. I am scared of making a wrong choice. Like what if I did get that tetanus shot and devoloped a seizure disorder after? A therapist would say "well then you would take medications for your seizures..others have seizures." to me its like are you kidding me? If I didn't get that shot I wouldn't have wrecked my body and no its not ok if I now have seizures.