Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Some of my views on God

If I have any religion at all sometimes I think there is a God and I pray to him in my head. But I am unsure if he is conscious or just a power source. If he is conscious I don't know if he is aware of us.

Example..I have skin cells. They are alive and dividing. They eat stuff from my blood and have oxygen brought to them. I am the force that keeps them alive because I eat and breath. Without me they will all die. However I do not know each one of them. I don't have a favorite. If one becomes ill and dies I don't even know nor try to save it. If I cut my hand I will have accidentally killed many of them but I am more concerned that my hand was cut and pay no attention to them.

Then other times I think there is a God and he listens to me but I pray directly to God itself and not through Jesus because that has always felt weird to me.

Then other times I assume there is no God and it is fear in us that causes the brain to create something with more power then us to find comfort in. That an outside force will help us. It could be a control factor. "I have no control but my God is in control"

I go between all those thoughts. Many religious leaders do have good things to say. I do like some Buddhist sayings. One that sticks with me though and I don't think it enough is "When you are fearful or scared you are already dead." The point being when you are scared you don't want to die. This skips that step and says you are already dead. Oddly enough it has helped me sometimes because when you agree with it even for a second you are already dead the fear lifts. There is nothing left to be scared of. Till the mind reminds you "no bitch you are still alive stop trying to fool yourself" lol

To sum myself up currently outside of all the fear and worry there is another part that is bugging me. I am not suicidal, and I don't want to die but I have lost my will to live. I would still fight to stay alive but I am unsure why I would. It is a weird mix of I don't want to go but I really don't want to stay. Because I feel that way I am unsure why I am still scared of dying. You would think if I was scared of the vaccine killing me I would be indifferent. But then maybe it is because I assume I will live and the horror would just be a life long injury.

I know when I went to bed last night I cried for a few minutes then feel asleep. Woke up this morning. Soon after I opened my eyes my heart started pounding and racing. I looked at the A/C unit in the window for a few minutes and then got up.

I still see my doc on Monday and still plan on getting the paxil but I just don't think I will take it anymore. Despite what I said I read too much about people being left with permanent seizures after and though I am sure it is rare I am just scared. But I will have it if she gives it to me in case I change my mind.

No comments: