Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Honest Questions

What role do the questions and thoughts of strangers looking at your life and asking questions about your circumstances actually play in your life?

Very little. Sometimes the more upset they are about it or more confused about me in general I get a sick pleasure out of it (some days anyway). If the stranger is a doctor or dentist I get upset and fearful because they should know and understand it plus I have less control and I may also be in a situation that my body is going haywire from anxiety. Depends on my mood though. If I like someone and they don't like me because of my illness then their thoughts upset me.

Do you attach importance to it?
Not really and if I do only when I am in fear mode.

What is it you're after in life?
Calm, Health, Money and even though I don't know what I think about it ..God. God only because I can't save myself and no other human can help me. So if there is a God I would like comfort and answers. And if there isn't a God I would like to brainwash myself into finding one anyway :)

What would make you feel complete and calm, in yourself, and in relation to others around you?

Things I can't have. 100% control and immortality.

Think of the happiest time in your life. What would have to happen for you to be able to get that feeling back again?

I guess go back in time but erase all knowledge of the future or I would have the same scary thoughts as I do now.

I can think of a few things I would erase that would alter everything.

I would not goto the church my parents took me to when I was 5.
I would erase my xgf's abortion.
I would erase 9/11
I would have dropped out of high school.
I would not have got my blood taken that day at the clinic when I first fainted (though if we erased the church thing I would never had met him anyway and we would not have became childhood friends)

I don't think I would erase the lung surgery. But I would have liked if my parents got divorced when I was around 5 years old and an older brother.

No comments: