Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Questions and Random Thoughts

"Did you have any warning signs years before you had problems with your anxiety?"

For me it really started in 9th grade 15/16 years old. But in 7th grade we went on a trip to Montreal (our french class) and I felt sick, got on the bus and threw up while sitting in my seat. The kid next to me looked so shocked his face was priceless. That was not cool. Then I threw up again half way there at a rest area. I felt jittery even the night before the trip. I was excited about going but got weird.

Years before growing up if I thought I was going to get in trouble with some adult (like a friends parent) I would run and hide in the bushes or behind a large rock and felt scared.

I legally changed my name to Brian. I did that in part because I thought I could change who I was in some demented way. I did that 10 years ago (1998). Plus I always hated my first name anyway.

So this is how I am handling the current high anxiety situation I am in. Everytime I think about that stupid tetanus vaccine or tetanus I tell myself "there is no point in worrying about it right now you aren't even going for 5 to 6 months. Worry about it then." Then I look up vaccine side effects and make myself stop after a few minutes. Because I am working on not doing that.

The other thing I am doing is trying to find what I can do to relax. Because since I am stuck in a simi high state of stress from xanax withdrawal and vaccine fear I figure I shouldn't waste this time I have to see what works. Because assuming all goes well months from now my stress level will return to it's normal high level. If I can learn to help myself now then it should be easy later.

I looked up meditation on youtube to find an easy one and did that. I can't say it helped but I know you have to stick with it. I also have been doing this weird thing that is not based on anything I read. Before I go to bed I try to come out of my body. But I fall asleep before anything happens.

I think I am doing that because I want some escape from the stress. If I could get out of my body and have some out of body experience I might be less scared of death (or super freaked out that I came out of my body lol) I doubt I will be able to anyway.

Keith is like "If you get out will you come back to your body?" I was like yes duh I would be dead if I didn't and I don't want to die.

My mom thought Mars was closer to earth than the Moon. I informed her it wasn't. I just wonder how she thought that. You can see the Moon really clear and not Mars. Unless she thought Mars was that tiny. But this small example shows how I have a hard time conveying to my mother side effects of some drugs and how brain chemicals work.

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