Randomness

Well the stool color is normal now that I am off xanax. I knew that drug was doing that and the nurse was like...no that wouldn't cause that. (note: other drugs say if you stool turns pale and/or you get dark urine this is a serious side effect involving the liver. Call your doctor immediately!") No idea if what was happening was dangerous or not.

Do you lie?

Yea I mostly lie to my parents and when I have an employer. My mother is also a good liar and I noticed years ago that I am good at it as well. In the moment when I am telling the lie I believe it...which is why if I didn't have anxiety I might have been a good actor or lawyer. I don't lie to hurt others I do it to cover myself or prevent others from being upset.

You know what is weird I have been dreaming about paxil every night for about a week and a half now. At some point in my dreams I am taking paxil, checking my heart rate to see if paxil changed it. Other dreams I feel so much better from taking it. I dream about getting refills of it. It is so strange that paxil keeps popping up in my dreams.

Last night I had a dream I was taking paxil and Keith admitted to me that he was cheating on me with some black guy at work. I went to spy and the black guy had no teeth and was so nasty looking I couldn't be jealous at all. I was mad at him and thought about kicking him out but then I let him stay and for some reason just didn't care. Then the thunderstorm we were having woke me up.

Last night around 4am I thought I was having a heart attack. The weird thing is I wasn't that freaked out. I kept typing to people online and thinking "ok should I wake Keith up? or Just wait and see if it gets worse and then just call an ambulance?...I really hope this isn't a heart attack because I didn't shower today...I can't be having a heart attack from stopping xanax could I? I wonder if all the stress I am under and smoking is actually causing a heart attack. I am sure this is just heartburn maybe I should take a pepcid...nah I will wait because if it is a heart attack I don't know if pepcid will make it worse. Maybe I should chew an aspirin....I will wait and see...at least the pain isn't spreading to my jaw or shoulder and I don't feel dizzy." Then I burped and tasted the slim jim I ate like 8 hours ago. So I assumed it was heart burn and soon after it stopped anyway. But I never really freaked out during it. It was more.."this isn't a good time for a heart attack" feeling.