Tuesday, June 24, 2008

My Issues

I have a ton of different issues.

Panic attacks for no reason or in very stressful situations or if I scary myself with a thought. Thankfully they don't happen that often.

Agoraphobia because I am scared to be out in public and only feel safe when I am home.

Generalized anxiety disorder because I live in a simi nervous state even on good days.

When my anxiety is triggered I get scary thoughts that play over and over in my head which I refer to as "scary movies" in my mind. Those scary thoughts feed my anxiety and I can't stop them and I become fixated on one or a few things like side effects from drugs, fainting or both.

I have phobias which are mainly blood, seizures and fainting with others that feed off those two.

When I am very stressed out I do start to have OCD like thoughts but no therapist has said anything and when I asked if I had OCD they said no.

I think most anxiety disorders can bleed some into other types. When I was little I would clean my hands a lot and in gym class if we spun around in class I would count it or try to so when I got home I could spin the other direction to "unwind my self" Like I had a rope attached to me and the universe. That all ended as an adult.

Sometimes but rarely I check light switches, I have issues with raw meat handling and cooking it completely (I over cook it) because I am scared of food poisoning. I won't eat food made by strangers and have strange feelings that if someone was near my food they poisoned it. Again that is not all the time and doesn't seem to stop my life the way my anxiety does.

Depression hits me hard not very often thank God. When it does I will cry and get extra scared. By cry I mean most the day and pace back and forth when I am alone crying. I will try to act normal but feel deep despair. Just seeing happy people on tv makes me cry because I can't feel it (happiness). It is like I was sucked into a void and I become scared I will kill myself. I never want to but I worry during depression that I will black out and when I come too my wrists will be slit. So I stay on the couch or in bed and get scared to move. That will last about 3 months. At that time everyone begs me to take pills and doctors have tried to do anything to get me to take them but I refuse to make a medical choice in that state of mind so people aren't pleased.

Paxil to me is like the mythical devil. I pretty much know what to expect when I take it. Part of my issue is I know in that bottle I can change myself. Become a person that doesn't even exist. When you are at a point that you hate being you and there is a new person sitting in the bottle it become tempting. I do wish they could come out with better medications or at least better answers as to why people suffer from anxiety or depression..

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