Monday, June 23, 2008


When I was trying to get disability because I have agoraphobia I use to hate it when they said they would call and didn't. "I will call you Monday morning." Then I would set my alarm get up and no call. I would leave a message at the end of the day and set my alarm for Tuesday and get up. No call. A week later I would be sleeping and they would call and leave a message assuming I was not home. I am sure this made them believe I am lying about my agoraphobia. If I didn't answer the phone. I must be out. I never did get approved for disability and to date also have no health insurance. Medicaid said if I can't work then I have to apply for disability. Disability says I am not disabled so I can't get Medicaid. It is just a vicious circle.

Random story:
Keith (my boyfriend) was my enabler when I drank. I would beg him soon after he woke up to go to store to get me beer because I was so sick. If I didn't get it I would only get sicker as time went on. It shot my anxiety through the roof so I was completely unable to go to the store.

I started keeping a few beers to the side so I could drink them first thing in the morning or soon after so I could drive to the store and get more.

I also would have Keith buy me a 12 pack of beer on the way home from work. But to hide how much I was drinking I would have a 24 pack of beer in my closet so when I drank 9 beers from the 12 pack I would fill the box back up with beers from the closet and say I only drank 4.

I also kept alcohol in the trunk of my car. This way I could drink 4 beers on Keith's days off and then claim I was going to mail a letter and chug a beer in the parking lot. Then later I would take out the trash and drink another.

He would go to bed and I would drink more alcohol. I would put the empty bottles on the bottom of the box and new ones on top so it didn't look like I drank as much.

I also would fill beer bottles with water and stick them back in the fridge to make it look like there was more left.

I kept a few shots of vodka in my glove compartment so if I had a panic attack I could drink them.

I quit drinking in Nov. 2007.

I think most people in the world are jerks. What I don't know is why. I bet they don't think they are. I bet if you asked if they were a nice person they would say they were. I am starting to think most of it comes from lack of education.

I looked at a 7th grade test given in the 1800's. It was their final exam and with all that I read I would fail that test. Most of that stuff was not even brought up in 12th grade let alone 7th.

TV floods our minds with garbage and I use to believe the internet was safe. And to me it was for awhile but it is just a new addiction and just as mindless in some cases. The masses flock to Youtube to watch a baby laugh or someone fall down. Others go to Myspace and leave comments for people they will never meet. None of this helps us understand anything. Banner ads now flash wal-mart and coke cola.

I want more than anything to turn it all off and only read my emails. But how can I? I need to know what fight Whoopi and Elizabitch might get into and who will die or get married in some fictional show about a life I rather have that does not even exist in the real world. And I have to look at Youtube because there might be something I missed. Something important that everyone saw that I had not like Beyonce fall on stairs during her concert or a girl singing about how she has a crush on Obama.

There is a time and place for all of it but it seems to have consumed most peoples lives including my own. If you were to drive down a street after sunset you would know where the living room was because there would be an erie blue glow coming out the window. Everyone watching their "programs".

I always liked this clip:

No comments: