Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Left Handed and Smoking

I wish I was left handed. I tried to be. Oddly enough and this might be too much information but I can only jerk off with my left hand. So on videos people always see it and ask if I am left handed.

I sometimes wonder why fainting made me stop drinking but lung surgery didn't make me stop smoking. I think it is because the lung surgery and smoking weren't related so the scare wasn't there. With the drinking I went to the bathroom, stood by the sink, felt like someone just punched me really hard in my stomach and called out to Keith.

Next thing I new I was on the floor two minutes had passed and he was freaked out and wasn't sure if I had a seizure or not because I was moving around gasping for air. After going to the ER I found out I actually had a convulsive faint that is why I was doing that.

Since fainting and seizures are a strong phobia of mine I linked it to the alcohol. I had to drink alcohol for a few days after I fainted because I couldn't afford detox and had to tapper off. The last day I drank I had a major panic attack adding to the fear of alcohol. So if I drank now there is no way I could enjoy it. I would just be filled with fear.

I haven't left the house in about 5 days. Most weeks I don't go any place at all. If I go out it is to see a doctor. Some days I am ok and go to the store to buy food. Keith doesn't go with me places... oddly I do better on my own. Unless I go to the dentist, getting a shot or having blood taken then I need people.

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