I don't regret drinking at all. It was fun while it lasted and gave me more of a life than I have now. My only regret is that I wasn't still drinking when I was on www.justin.tv. I would had been a lot more fun. Or at least that is how I would have viewed it.
The only reason I rarely go on cam is because I have nothing to say. Well nothing most people want to hear. I don't want to answer why I am gay or why I have panic attacks and "Wait you said you went to the store ...I thought you couldn't go outside" like there is a real wall that keeps me in the house or if there was a fire I would just sit here and burn up.
Sometimes I feel like I am living in Nazi Germany Lite. Most people would think I am crazy for even comparing it. It is very much like Nazi Germany in many ways minus the camps (though we have camps just not with people in them yet. Look up Rex84 program). But it is not the same country no matter how TV spins it. You are free to say what you want as long as it is the right thing. If I was very open about some of my thoughts I would get killed by an angry mob of patriots :-).
Do you ever feel there is nothing to do? I mean even if I didn't have this illness anymore what the hell would I really do? Go to the mall, see a movie, a concert, work at a job so I could live paycheck to paycheck? Even if I had a high paying job would I even be happy in it? It is interesting to me when you are removed from social norms you see somethings differently and people ask lots of questions.
Like "What do you do for a living?" (this implies we all work and should be) when I say I don't work people ask "Are you in school?". This implies that if I am not working I am training for work. When I say no then the questions move to "Can I ask why?" "How do you pay your bills?" this implies we all have bills that need to be paid (though that is true because of how our society is setup short of being homeless I could not pull that one off)
I also am asked if I am bored not working as if there is nothing else one can do with their time. Some how if I get in my car and go to work and type on a computer all day that makes me not bored. However if I go from my bedroom, go on the computer and read and type all day that is boring. The source of income is always of interest. "Your BF takes care of you?" No. He pays his half of the bills. "How do you pay?". This is really a question to find out 2 things. 1) If I am on social services so they can think about how people like me are draining their wallet or 2) that I have a secret source of income they would like to know about so they too don't have to work. Don't worry I am not on SSI draining your wallet.
When I have said my parents help out some say "That must be a burden for them." other times I say I jerk off online for cash and that is met with "Oh so you do have a job".
But seriously if I was well what is there to do. Fly to another country and look out into the air and eat at a restaurant? What interests me is that "having a life" means to most people spending money (though that is not how they see it). Everything people do to have "fun" in most cases takes cash. They work so they can give it away when they are off from work. :-)
That is most people anyway. Some like working and are happy with it. Some people like restaurants.
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