Questions Death

Do you think life is a test?

Sometimes I do and I think I am failing at it. I am not sure if it is a test. I feel like I did in gym class I watched everyone else play but I didn't because I did not want to get hurt. (Like when they played football)

Do you think life is hell and we've all sinned in past lives and that's why we're here right now?

Sometimes I think this might be a form of hell or maybe hell itself. I also sometimes think this isn't hell but I am paying for bad things I did in past lives and also paying for things I have done in this one as well.

Do you think everything we've done in life comes back when we die (good and bad)?

In the past I would have said yes but after I got really sick with my lung (Summer year 2000) there was this peace in all the pain I was in. Fear melted away and the other world was not far away it never was. I could feel it. It is right here next to us. We are only separated from it by a curtain... it seemed that thin of a wall.

There was no anger or judgment. There just was... and I just was. It is very hard to put into words. When I woke up after the surgery that feeling was gone and I knew I would live. I missed that feeling because my old self flooded back. As time has gone on I can't remember how it felt and question what I felt. The more time that passes the more I forget but I know I have never had that peace before or since.. whatever caused it to happen.

I sound like I am talking crazy but it's true and I have told very few people. My mom didn't like it at all. I told here when I was going through it and she took it as I was welcoming death. But it was more that it was ok if I died and it was ok if I lived both were equal.

During that time I went to the ocean, I ate lobster, went to graveyards and took pictures of tombstones. I took pictures of a lot of things actually. I went to the mall. I had very little fear of anything. I was nervous about how the surgery would go but I didn't have panic attacks.

I question what I felt because I also had to take pain meds. I have taken them after and did not have the same experience though. But like I said now that it has been so long I explain it away and the feeling is very hard to remember.

If anything that memory / feeling I had at that time is what seems to have messed me up even more.. I think my pain pill addiction and drinking to the edge of coma at times were attempts to stay close to death or get that feeling to come back.