When I was younger I wanted to be a celebrity but no way would I want that now. It is so empty and pointless. I met a lot of celebrities when I working in Atlanta GA. and when I use to date a radio personality here in Albany years ago. (we were together 2 years) All the celebrities I met were either rude or stupid or both only 2 out of about 30 that I met seemed decent and like a normal person. And that was Pink and Gwen Stefani (when she was still with No Doubt).
I skipped the celebrity and went right to the porn thing which was only because of the anxiety. Not that I regret it. People think I should but I don't. It is still my backup for extra cash. My heart isn't in it anymore so to be honest I only do the live cam when I want something which is rare like a book.
I thought I wanted a house but that almost seems pointless to me. If Keith gets one I will live in it but I don't care if I am in an apartment or trailer. My clothes are simple jeans and t-shirts. I feel no need to have expensive clothes or expensive cars. Even if I was rich I think I would buy a used car that was decent. The more I own the more burden I feel. That wasn't always the case I use to be very materialistic. That changed after lung surgery.
I only want to be rich so I can afford health insurance and not have to worry about food anymore or if I was on vacation and had to come home due to anxiety I could just buy a ticket. Also if I was ill money could buy me comfort (better doctors better care). Also money would get me a nice dentist office that has new technology. That would make me feel more comfortable. My reasons for being rich is a far cry from people who want it to buy buy buy and have parties. I would also help people with it.
Very few people stop to think about why we are here, think about death and why we do the things we do. I do see happy people who in a lot of ways are more empty than me. They live on the surface. I am still jealous of them sometimes.
Many people are scared of the end of the world. I am not. I sort of welcome it. It would save me a lot of trouble.
Animals are happy because they don't know about death like we do. If my cats heart skips he doesn't care.
Wow I just went to the bathroom and threw up. That happened last time I stopped that xanax too a few days later. Not to mention I felt off when I woke up like my mood is going to head down slowly now.
I woke up at 4am because I had to pee and when I got back to bed I laid down and my heart started racing really fast and I felt ill but drifted back off to sleep. Then I started dreaming last night that I took a paxil and I was at my doctors office checking my pulse to see if my heart rate had changed yet. In my dream I started to feel happy but weird. I was concerned and I wasn't. That is all I remember.