Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Anonymous Benzo Story

I wanted to share the following comment left on one of my videos. I will keep the author anonymous.

"I had a VERY similar experience. The relentlessness of it was completely horrific. I was never suicidal, but was beginning to feel that I could not, mentally, physically or emotionally take the daily torment...and of course - what kind of life was it anyway? So very hard to put into words the torture, hopelessness, LONELINESS - you suffer alone, no matter how many loved ones try to help. You bear it every day. I had the electric jolts out of sleep - only sleeping one hour at a time. I had epeilepsy/seizures as a child and these jolts felt very similar to me...this fueled my anxiety that my epilepsy had come back, and I began to be terrified of sleeping for fear of having a seizure. I told Doctors of my epileptic history and asked if they could give me an EEG ( something I had often as a child) but they would not. I often think if they had allayed my fears, my problem may not have spiralled. To not even get reprieve through sleep was intolerable.

If someone would have guaranteed that these sensations would stop if they chopped off a limb - I would have happily agreed. I thought, this is my life, I don't want to live it...I CAN'T do it. Fortunately, I did. I did use diazepam (am still using it) but am weaning off of it so slowly (I too have used the website). But the slightest twinge of anxiety echos those bad memories and I will celebrate the day that that no longer happens. I did find a good doctor. Makes all the difference. Anyone who has not experienced this cannot understand the utter hopelessness, and the feeling that you cannot fight it another day, night.........you are beaten, lost. I can't actually think about it too much....not yet distanced enough. But I know that it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can't believe I am still here."

Friday, March 26, 2010

Where Does Love Hide?

I was watching a movie tonight online. During it I started to wonder, when it was last that I was happy; truly happy. I think it was 1995-1996, scary, that is 14-15 years ago. I don't know if I was even truly happy then, maybe just happier than I have been sense.

Reflecting back on my childhood, what bothers me is even then I don't remember being completely happy. If anything, the only thing that kept me going, even now is myself. My imagination is one of the most wonder gifts I was given in this life. I think I have kept myself entertained. I am very creative and I noticed early on in life that I thought differently than the average person. I seem to absorb knowledge fast in many subjects (Unfortunately not in spelling or grammar). I also have a knack for seeing through people and events. My greatest gifts are also my greatest enemies. I could never truly part with them though. To fix my problems would be to lose the best of me.

However, never being truly happy bothers me and I would like to think about that more and see if I can find out why...maybe even fix it. It is not depression. I don't believe people are born depressed (regardless of what current society thinks). Plus depression is the wrong word, too powerful of a word. I am just unhappy.

I think maybe part of the problem is I have never felt truly loved. There has never been any deep love that has come in my direction. I am left feeling expendable. Maybe that is because that is exactly how I have been treated by others. There has never been a person who has come into my life that I feel would push me out of the path of an on coming truck and sacrifice themselves because they could not bare the thought of me being injured or killed. Dramatic yes, but it would be nice to feel that kind of love.

Growing up I know that my parents loved me. It just felt conditional. I know that if I pushed far enough and was myself there would only be anger and conflict. The message was (and it was never said, but understood) that love was conditional. I don't even think my parents know that is the message they gave.

I find it odd because the people that I have loved, I have given the love that I want to receive. However some of those people moved on and some in quite harsh ways. I guess it is good that I never sacrificed myself pushing them out of the way of an on coming truck. :)

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Xanax and POTS

Today is not a good day at all. Last night I started to feel hot in my bedroom. I assume because it got to 60 degrees out yesterday and that is too much heat for me (Living on the 2nd floor it gets warmer and the apartment complex still has the heat on till May). My heart rate started to climb, so I moved to the uncomfortable couch in the living room and slept with the a/c unit on me. Thankfully I slept 8 hours.

I woke up feeling like I had not slept at all and every time I stand up today my pulse is 127-135. I feel drained. I know some how I need to find a doctor near by that knows and understands what POTS is, I just can't travel for that test. The anxiety of doing a test that could make me faint is bad enough without being in NYC or a different state. So far in person and online I have yet to find any doctor in the Albany, NY area that understands POTS and can test for it.

POTS can be caused by several things and they are not always sure what causes it. However one of the reasons is medication. I know this didn't start till after I came off Xanax and it is my belief that Xanax if I do have POTS has caused this to happen.

Here is some information on POTS and I will put a plus sign next to the symptoms I have. Doctors are still not very knowledgeable in this syndrome and the last doctor I asked about it said that it was "tuberculosis of the bones" and was annoyed when I said it wasn't.

"Postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS) is a condition of dysautonomia, more specifically orthostatic intolerance, in which a change from the supine position to an upright position causes an abnormally large increase in heart rate, called tachycardia. By the definition of POTS used at the Mayo Clinic, this is NOT accompanied by a fall in blood pressure in general.

* lightheadedness, sometimes called pre-syncope (pre-fainting) dizziness (but not vertigo, which is also called dizziness)+ (I have dizziness, but not vertigo and feel pre-faint)
* exercise intolerance+
* extreme fatigue+
* syncope (fainting)
* Excessive thirst (polydipsia)+

Chronic or acute hypoperfusion of tissues and organs in the upper parts of the body are thought to cause the following symptoms:

* cold extremities+
* chest pain and discomfort+
* disorientation
* dyspnea+
* headache+
* muscle weakness+
* visual disturbances+

Autonomic dysfunction is thought to cause additional gastrointestinal symptoms:

* abdominal pain or discomfort+
* bloating+
* constipation+
* diarrhea+
* nausea+
* vomiting+

Cerebral hypoperfusion, when present, can cause cognitive and emotive difficulties. Symptoms that persist in the supine (recumbent) state are difficult to attribute to "cerebral hypoperfusion" and more probably reflect an element of depression or simple fatigue:

* brain fog+
* burnout+
* decreased mental stamina
* depression+ (sometimes it comes and goes)
* difficulty finding the right word
* impaired concentration+
* sleep disorders+

Inappropriate levels of epinephrine and norepinephrine lead to anxiety-like symptoms:

* chills+
* feelings of fear+
* flushing+
* overheating+
* nervousness+
* over-stimulation+

Symptoms of POTS overlap considerably with those of generalized anxiety disorder, and a misdiagnosis of an anxiety disorder is not uncommon."

So out of 32 symptoms I have 27 of them and have almost daily for over a year now.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

FSC Cigarettes

Comments from others below:

superdale: "Just how much damage have they done, and what is yet to come ?

Why am I getting so upset, when all that it probably is, just a little bit of harmless, governmentally dispensed, genocide. Hmmmmmm... You know what, it's probably, just to be certain, we don't injure ourselves, right ?

You wanna know what else ? They've got it covered all the way around. If, you should fall over dead while consuming this super poisoned contraption and it creates a house fire, killing the rest of your family, you will be able to take solace . No one will ever blame it on your habit because, you were, indeed, using fire standard compliant smokes . Finally, the most ironic part of it all will be when, the fire inspector's report concludes that, you simply just fell asleep, during a house fire, of a new, mysterious and unknown origin.

But seriously, if you don't want to die many, many more times sooner than before, then you should do just as I did and vow to never smoke another FSC (fire standard compliant cigarette) . Alternatively though, I will,(especially now) continue to smoke tobacco in any form until it has been made entirely illegal . Also, if things don't change by that time, I will have considered this nation unfit for habitation by freedom loving individuals such as myself.

These new and much more effecient, liver killing, death sticks had me sick for 6 months ! I had no Idea what was causing it until January, 1, 2010. I almost died ! I already had a liver condition . Thanks for the "heads up" "big brother".

But wait, theres even more ! Do you feel a lump in your throat ? Is your chest on fire ? Having palpitations, overly accelerated pulse rate, insomnia, anxiety and/or mental depression ? Pulmonary edema , severe weakness, headaches, dizziness, kidney problems ? Are you having any symptoms of central nervous system depression, confusion, hoarseness, an inability to sleep in a horizontal posistion,and much , much more ?

When you get sick and you visit your Dr. he or she may have trouble diagnosing your condition . If so, just ask to be checked for ethylene vinyl acetate (carpet glue) and napthalene (moth ball) poisoning . Also, (this is important) don't forget to mention that you have been burning and inhaling it at, what are apparently, toxic levels !

I would like to thank nanny government and all of the great many social engineers who are working so hard on my behalf . Now , instead of taking up to what could have been decades to kill myself, I can use the new and improved, fsc death stick, and potentialy, do the job in as little as a matter of months.

But seriously, smoker's will now start to drop like flies, and you know what they will have to say , "Now you know, as we have already told you, smoking is very dangerous". I have been a smoker for 30 years and have never had any symtoms other than an occasional cough until, the stealthy introduction of the fsc's.

60 million, demonized and bullied US.citizens, may not seem to be that big of a percentage compared to the rest population but, 60 million people can completely blow the (always closed) doors from this crooked government and the rest of it's perverted, twisted , greedy, narcissistic, social engineers ! 60 million voters can create a heck of a large swing vote . If we will all speak together our voice will be, overwhelmingly loud. Let our voice not, go unheard ! Once again, let freedom ring !

Call , write or e-mail your state and federal representaives and don't forget to register and VOTE !

In case you haven't already done so, don't forget to sign and if you wish, leave a comment on the rather large and fast growing petition at,


Just in case, you are still a skeptical anti-smoker and don't believe any of this, then I dare you, (with your heart) to just read a few pages of the comments made. A lot of these unwitting victims of this atrocity will undoubtedly now have to suffer for life.

Wouldn't you expect to have been advised If the toxicity of your favorite medications , make-up or food additives you have come to depend upon, been increased, substantialy ?

Self destruction is human nature. You choose your vehicle, I will choose mine .

Disclaimer, I am not affiliated with any tobacco or nicotine product manufacturing, promotions, sales, shipping and/or otherwise."

1276: "Well, *I* will be quitiing in North Carolina...! The new law (for FSC cgiarettes) went into effect Jan 1st of 2010 and I KNEW something was very wrong after just smoking one carton of the things... I can no longer even cough up flem (sp?) (affecting my lung capacity as my lings now seem to be full of congestion), it has really affected my breathing and I feel sick to my stomach and also am having breathing problems like my lungs cannot get air...

Screw it...! *I* amd going to quit smoking... It took THIS to make me WANT to quit after smoking for 50 years... Never thought ANYTHING 'could' make me 'want to' stop smoking but THIS will most certainly 'do it'...!"

ismokereds: "yeah i have not been feeling "right" since smoking these. extreme headaches, dizziness, heart racing and very tired all the time."

justwondering: "these things have made me sick every since i started smoking them i was wondering if they done the same to others i have had sore throat , heart racing, tightness in my chest, very scarey. we need to do something to get our old smokes back for now i have quit."

concered: "fsc cigs are making people experience symptoms such as headache, nausea, vomiting, etc. symptoms are more likely the closer together you smoke each cig"

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Limiting the Internet

I think I am going to have to limit the amount of time I spend online. I am on everyday all day and I think it is not making things any better for me. I might just sign on one day a week and do everything I need to do like answer emails, upload videos ect.

Somedays I feel ok and then it is like I am going backwards. Like tonight, I was sitting at my computer and all of a sudden I felt weird for lack of a better word and my face got very pale. Of course I went to check my blood pressure because I thought I might be passing out. My blood pressure was not low though, like you would expect it to be if I was actually fainting. It was 138/73 (the top number higher than my normal) and my pulse was 107.

I have had these spells over the past few months and I have no idea what it is. I don't feel panic during them and I don't think anymore anxiety than the average person who starts to feel like they are fainting.

About 2 weeks ago my heart, which has skipped on and off since I was a teen did something different. It started to skip and didn't stop for about a minute. This of course caused me a great deal of anxiety after and I spent most of the next day crying about it.

I don't even see doctors anymore, at least at this point. I hit a wall and I am too scared to even go anymore. No amount of people telling me I have to push myself or just do it will work. I don't want to because I can't handle any more stress. Granted, sitting here doing nothing causes stress, but not as much as having medical tests done by people who don't care how upset and sick it makes me while they question me about why I don't "treat my anxiety" and refusing to hear the real reason as to why and what has happened.

If something bad enough happens or scares me enough I assume I will just go to the ER. Many days I sit around waiting to die. Many times I can feel myself dying. Then I have a few good hours or even a few days of being ok and I think "OK I can fix this and make myself well again like I use to be." then some spell happens and it feels like I am going backwards.

I do not have anyone in my life that will help me the way I need in the form of strong emotional support and really be there for me. It takes me years to have that comfort around people and the new ones who may help, there just isn't enough time. Frankly most are too stupid to even understand what happened. Most people are nothing short of morons that I tolerate. (I guess that sounds elitist, but it is true.)

My mother (who by the way as of yet does not have to have liver surgery, which is good), says that she doesn't want to see the doctors, but she just makes herself. What I seem not to be able to get across to anyone is I can't just make myself. I would actually sit here and let myself die. This may not make any sense to anyone, but it is the truth and emails or comments about "What I have to do." literally falls on deaf ears. It is like being frozen in time. A scared child who needs someone to take his hand to cross the busy street, only all the adults are busy. They all think the child is an adult and just needs to suck it up.

About a week ago I did get a juicer. I have started using that daily in hopes that it will help cure whatever it is that is happening. Maybe I am deluding myself or maybe it will end up being a miracle, because a miracle is what I need right now.

I still get new emails daily from people who are sick from the drugs they were put on. At times their suffering is too much to handle. I know how they feel all too well. They are looking to me as a light at the end of the tunnel. They know I am a year out from my last dose and all want to know if I am well now? They want to see an end to their own suffering and hope I can provide a time table so they know how many days or hours are left till their life comes back to them.

Then there are the emails asking me why I don't just take xanax again. These people I can't understand at all. They aren't sick (yet) from the drug and hopefully they never will be, but they just don't get it. Some people are very damaged by these drugs and a host of other drugs. It is like saying you are a smoker and don't have lung cancer, so cigarettes then can't be the cause of lung cancer and I am just crazy and a liar.

I won't even reply to those type of emails anymore. What is the point, their mind is made up and I am the liar. It is really no different than when I see doctors, after all, what do I know? How dare I know anything at all. How dare I know something horrific is happening all over this country and indeed the world and no one cares.

People make me sick, they don't even want to fight it. I start a class action and two people sign on. Their excuse.."Whats the use, the companies have to much money." This society has caused people to be nothing less than brain dead lemmings. They can't think for themselves and they sure as hell won't speak up.

You have any idea how many people have emailed me? Where is their videos? Their story? Stop looking to me and speak up. Put your face out there so I stop looking like a lunatic, the solo voice in what has happened.

It use to upset me that I could not usually relate to people in the past. Now I am glad I have that quality. The last thing I would like to be is just like the blind masses.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Getting Rid Of My Therapist

I had hopes for the therapist I was seeing after the 3rd visit. I felt for a brief amount of time that maybe we would work well together. After two more visits, it just isn't going to work. I really need to listen to my gut instincts the first time around and start trusting myself. Long story short I have mailed the following letter to my therapist.

"It occurred to me after leaving your office after our last visit that I can not personally afford the $50 fee, which is why I am on Medicaid in the first place. Nor can I, in good conscience, ask for my parents to shell out $50 because I was ill that day. It was not as if I just blew that appointment off, nor could I consult a crystal ball 24 hours before the day of my appointment and realize that, aside from getting very little sleep, I would also be vomiting.

The first appointment that I canceled, I gave more than 24 hour notice. In fact, I called 48 hours prior to the appointment and left a voicemail inquiring as to the proper procedure, as I was unsure whether I would be able to make that appointment after dealing with my mother’s stroke, along with everything that has been going on. When I did not hear back from you by the following afternoon, I left a message with the front desk canceling that appointment before you returned my call the following evening.

When I was ill and called to leave you a voice mail, I stated that I was ill and would need to reschedule my appointment. I then never received a response at all. After a week had passed, I called yet again to make an appointment, at that point, my call was returned.

While I understand the need for a $50 fee without 24 hour notice of cancellation, occasionally situations arise that can not be predicted. I had previously been informed by you that, if there was a snowstorm, I would not be expected to keep my appointment, and there would be no penalty under those circumstances. Yet, I somehow doubt that you would advise someone who was vomiting and operating on two hours of sleep driving to your office. I do not believe you would want to put my life, nor the lives of others on the road, at risk, simply so I could make an appointment. I also firmly believe that if you were ill, I would get a call from your office canceling my appointment; were I someone who took the day off from work to see you, I can assure you I would not be billing you for being to sick to hold my appointment and my lost hours at work.

As I had stated previously, I am not on SSI and have been continually denied up to this point. My parents, who are retired and on a fixed income at this time, pay my rent, my food and my utilities. My mother, who does have health insurance, still has to pay co-pay after co-pay for every appointment she attends to treat her illness. They are not made of money and, at this point, I will not push them further. If I were to charge the fee on a credit card, they would still be paying, as they are the ones who pay that bill as well.

It left a bad taste in my mouth when you asked, "Well didn't you check your credit card balance before you left the house?" First off; I would like to be clear. I am dealing with an illness right now in which I am literally dragging myself to appointment after appointment, regardless of the fact that I know damn well that other people feeling the way I am would not necessarily be able to do; I am doing this on top of having an anxiety disorder and a mother who is slowly dying. There is no question in my mind that I have been damaged by Xanax regardless if medical professionals want to believe it or not. It doesn't take much effort on anyone's behalf to look into what I am saying; there are thousands, if not tens of thousands, of people suffering with the same issues from which I am suffering after taking that class of drugs. This damage (and it is nothing less than damage) to the body takes, on average, 6 to 18 months to clear up, and, is some cases, longer. So; no, I didn't check my credit card balance before I left the house. I was busy getting ready and reserving every last bit of energy I had that day to come see you. Trust me when I say someone can look fine on the outside and be dealing with extreme illness inside. I sincerely hope you never have to deal with anything remotely similar to what I have had to experience.

I will not be returning to see you, and I plan on seeking out another therapist. I understand you still may decide to try to bill me for being too ill that day to make my appointment. If this is the case, the bill will go in the trash with the rest of the bills I can't pay right now. It is not as though my credit can be damaged any more than it already has."