Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Anonymous Benzo Story

I wanted to share the following comment left on one of my videos. I will keep the author anonymous.

"I had a VERY similar experience. The relentlessness of it was completely horrific. I was never suicidal, but was beginning to feel that I could not, mentally, physically or emotionally take the daily torment...and of course - what kind of life was it anyway? So very hard to put into words the torture, hopelessness, LONELINESS - you suffer alone, no matter how many loved ones try to help. You bear it every day. I had the electric jolts out of sleep - only sleeping one hour at a time. I had epeilepsy/seizures as a child and these jolts felt very similar to me...this fueled my anxiety that my epilepsy had come back, and I began to be terrified of sleeping for fear of having a seizure. I told Doctors of my epileptic history and asked if they could give me an EEG ( something I had often as a child) but they would not. I often think if they had allayed my fears, my problem may not have spiralled. To not even get reprieve through sleep was intolerable.

If someone would have guaranteed that these sensations would stop if they chopped off a limb - I would have happily agreed. I thought, this is my life, I don't want to live it...I CAN'T do it. Fortunately, I did. I did use diazepam (am still using it) but am weaning off of it so slowly (I too have used the website). But the slightest twinge of anxiety echos those bad memories and I will celebrate the day that that no longer happens. I did find a good doctor. Makes all the difference. Anyone who has not experienced this cannot understand the utter hopelessness, and the feeling that you cannot fight it another day, night.........you are beaten, lost. I can't actually think about it too much....not yet distanced enough. But I know that it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I can't believe I am still here."

No comments: