Saturday, March 6, 2010

Limiting the Internet

I think I am going to have to limit the amount of time I spend online. I am on everyday all day and I think it is not making things any better for me. I might just sign on one day a week and do everything I need to do like answer emails, upload videos ect.

Somedays I feel ok and then it is like I am going backwards. Like tonight, I was sitting at my computer and all of a sudden I felt weird for lack of a better word and my face got very pale. Of course I went to check my blood pressure because I thought I might be passing out. My blood pressure was not low though, like you would expect it to be if I was actually fainting. It was 138/73 (the top number higher than my normal) and my pulse was 107.

I have had these spells over the past few months and I have no idea what it is. I don't feel panic during them and I don't think anymore anxiety than the average person who starts to feel like they are fainting.

About 2 weeks ago my heart, which has skipped on and off since I was a teen did something different. It started to skip and didn't stop for about a minute. This of course caused me a great deal of anxiety after and I spent most of the next day crying about it.

I don't even see doctors anymore, at least at this point. I hit a wall and I am too scared to even go anymore. No amount of people telling me I have to push myself or just do it will work. I don't want to because I can't handle any more stress. Granted, sitting here doing nothing causes stress, but not as much as having medical tests done by people who don't care how upset and sick it makes me while they question me about why I don't "treat my anxiety" and refusing to hear the real reason as to why and what has happened.

If something bad enough happens or scares me enough I assume I will just go to the ER. Many days I sit around waiting to die. Many times I can feel myself dying. Then I have a few good hours or even a few days of being ok and I think "OK I can fix this and make myself well again like I use to be." then some spell happens and it feels like I am going backwards.

I do not have anyone in my life that will help me the way I need in the form of strong emotional support and really be there for me. It takes me years to have that comfort around people and the new ones who may help, there just isn't enough time. Frankly most are too stupid to even understand what happened. Most people are nothing short of morons that I tolerate. (I guess that sounds elitist, but it is true.)

My mother (who by the way as of yet does not have to have liver surgery, which is good), says that she doesn't want to see the doctors, but she just makes herself. What I seem not to be able to get across to anyone is I can't just make myself. I would actually sit here and let myself die. This may not make any sense to anyone, but it is the truth and emails or comments about "What I have to do." literally falls on deaf ears. It is like being frozen in time. A scared child who needs someone to take his hand to cross the busy street, only all the adults are busy. They all think the child is an adult and just needs to suck it up.

About a week ago I did get a juicer. I have started using that daily in hopes that it will help cure whatever it is that is happening. Maybe I am deluding myself or maybe it will end up being a miracle, because a miracle is what I need right now.

I still get new emails daily from people who are sick from the drugs they were put on. At times their suffering is too much to handle. I know how they feel all too well. They are looking to me as a light at the end of the tunnel. They know I am a year out from my last dose and all want to know if I am well now? They want to see an end to their own suffering and hope I can provide a time table so they know how many days or hours are left till their life comes back to them.

Then there are the emails asking me why I don't just take xanax again. These people I can't understand at all. They aren't sick (yet) from the drug and hopefully they never will be, but they just don't get it. Some people are very damaged by these drugs and a host of other drugs. It is like saying you are a smoker and don't have lung cancer, so cigarettes then can't be the cause of lung cancer and I am just crazy and a liar.

I won't even reply to those type of emails anymore. What is the point, their mind is made up and I am the liar. It is really no different than when I see doctors, after all, what do I know? How dare I know anything at all. How dare I know something horrific is happening all over this country and indeed the world and no one cares.

People make me sick, they don't even want to fight it. I start a class action and two people sign on. Their excuse.."Whats the use, the companies have to much money." This society has caused people to be nothing less than brain dead lemmings. They can't think for themselves and they sure as hell won't speak up.

You have any idea how many people have emailed me? Where is their videos? Their story? Stop looking to me and speak up. Put your face out there so I stop looking like a lunatic, the solo voice in what has happened.

It use to upset me that I could not usually relate to people in the past. Now I am glad I have that quality. The last thing I would like to be is just like the blind masses.


Lyle said...

This is Lyle, I have e-mailed you several times and you have responded to me. I will add my name to the list, if they think you are crazy a lunatic or lying about this whole thing then I must be too.Everyone says just snap out of it-but guess what? IT DON'T WORK THAT WAY!!! I too am diaganosed with mostly all of the same symptoms and life is unbearable most of the time.I am currently taking antidepressants as well as a high dose benzo-alprazolam. I wish I would have never started with the shit or at least been told what the disadvantages of coming off of the drug were. I have been on the stuff for about three years. I have tried by myself to discontinue by slowly tapering off after I found out the hard way what happens if I would suddenly stop taking it.Brian you are telling the truth.I have come to realize that now that I do not necessarily feel better with the meds-I mostly feel nothing, with a hollow shell is all that seems left of me.I also have the dizzy spells that come on for no apparent reason at all. And another thing Brian, do not listen to those who say you should push yourself to go for tests you feel are not necessary. I know, I have been through those tests. A frickin legal way for the doctors to collect as much as possible in as short a time as possible. There is no sense to it.I guess if any of your readers who keep writing you and telling you just "get over it" because they think you are making this whole thing up-can write me and tell me also because I must be lying too.
Thank you Brian and I'm on your side.


Anonymous said...

Oh.. wow, Brian.

I hope in light of our recent e-mail exchange, i should not take this personally in any way shape or form?

I certainly hope i'm not one of the people who naggingly mail you that you are referring to?
If so- i'll (not so gladly) stop. Just say so for both of our sakes and i will not again. Thank you.

Well wishes and hugz,

Brian Underwood said...

No Eddie I was not referring to you or most the people who email me in general :). I welcome contact from people. I just get upset when people accuse me of lying. Also it can all get overwhelming at times, esp. when I am not 100% myself and have bad days and so disparately want to fix them, but I can't even fix myself. You are a different situation entirely, since your issue was not drug damage. Plus I know you from before I was damaged. :)