Friday, December 19, 2008

One Of Many Reasons I Fear Vaccines

Also a very good book is "Dr. Mary's Monkey" by by Edward T. Haslam

The Book Can Be Found On Amazon.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Feeling Blah

I am not really feeling that well today. I got ready to go to the supermarket and started to feel sick to my stomach, but not from anxiety. I drank some juice before I went to see if it would help. I took my xanax around 11:30am anyway so I definitely was not nervous. That unpleasant issue I talked about before with the pale stools (by pale I mean gray) have been still happening on and off for the past year, but the tests were all normal so who knows what my issue is. My liver levels were fine and the ultrasound of my liver, pancreas and gallbladder were all normal. Which is no surprise, I tend to always have normal results for medical tests. Outside of the anxiety no one can really explain why I get days were I get very ill and just have to wait till it passes.

I went to the store and picked up several TV dinners because I really was not feeling all that well so I didn't feel like shopping, but did need to buy food. I noticed in my car mirror before I went into the store that I was getting pale.

While in line at the store this woman in front of me was telling the cashier that she is retired and decided not to move to Virginia because if she did the government would cut her retirement check because the government says it is cheaper for her to live in Virginia than it is to live in New York. Which she said was a crock so she is just going to stay here so her check isn't cut. I didn't know retirement was based on the state you live in so that sucks.

When I got home I made a TV dinner and took a multi-vitamin. Still feeling ill about an hour later I took a pepcid. So now I am just laying here watching TV. For those of you who watch me on I just put the cam in the bedroom, but have the sound still on the TV. I just don't feel well enough to be on cam right now, but I might be fine later. I hope I am not getting a stomach virus that would suck and I feel like I am going to barf...and not for my usual reasons hehe.

My parents still don't have power at their house that they lost during the ice storm, so they are still at the hotel. They told me they booked the room till Tuesday of this week. They have to go back to their house twice a day to give the cat his shot. Their cat has diabetes and needs insulin.

So for now I am just going to rest and watch TV. I just hope I feel better later. I hate feeling sick. Oh and I am going to stop chain smoking. That is my first step towards quitting...not that I feel like smoking right now anyway I feel to blah.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Social Skills

I have met a few people recently in real life. I was quick to discover that after years of being in a relationship which I isolated myself in and also lost myself in the world of the internet I have lost most social skills. Maybe I lost them long before that. See when I use to meet people or hang out with them I would just drink beer. That always got me through. Alcohol has a way of making the world more interesting, time speeds up and most of the time, if you consume enough you are at peace with yourself. Now I not only was in isolation for 5 years with my main communication being the computer, but now I also no longer drink. So I have lost what little tools I had or at least forgot for right now.

On the internet when someone is talking to you and asks a question you can pause to think or just not answer. There is that little "X" in the corner of the chat box and you can close the unwanted people out. You can delay talking to them and if you don't feel like talking at all you can just logout. In the real world I can't "X" anyone out. I think that is why I have a hard time with the phone as well. I really have nothing to talk about and when I run out of things to say there is just silence, but the line is still open.

The two people I did meet recently were both very nice though and I was not nervous meeting them, maybe just normal jitters that anyone gets meeting someone for the first time. I also made no plans to meet them till the last minute or a few hours at the most. I had no time to really think about it. I made small talk with both and have been actively chatting with one online and will most likely hang out again. I have a few other people I will be seeing soon as well I am sure.

I find it hard with new people because I hate explaining who I am and the reasons why I avoid the things I do. Some people of course think they can "fix" me if I was just with them enough and that could not be further from the truth. It is also not anything new to me. People always, with the best of intentions think they can "fix" me. Thing is I don't always feel "broken", I am just different. I am the first to realize that if it was not for all the struggles I have been through and the anxiety I have for no reason at all, that I just wouldn't be me. If I never had this "problem" I would never have had the time to look into certain subjects, nor had the time to learn all the things I have. I think I view people in a different light than most. I almost prefer the ones that are "broken". Broken people are usually the most interesting. Their belief systems can range from semi-normal to the UFO's will be returning next week with the federation of light. They seem to be more compassionate and many times well rounded people.

I think maybe I would like around ten percent of the population. The rest is just noise. The problem is they are so damn hard to find and spread out all over the globe. When if comes to them there is no age, they are all ages. They are the 18 year old who suddenly can't relate to his peers and sits with a 40 year old man because they both have something in common, usually it is questions like who are we really? why are we here? They can't care about or think about what the general population does. I call them the viewers. We watch the world go by. We know we are part of a giant game and watch the people who still have no idea they are even in a game. They are so tightly wrapped in it that if you even dared tell them they would think you were crazy and in need of medication or they would fall apart. Some people need the game.

I love my parents dearly, but they need the game, esp my mother. For me I know it is all a game, but I have a hard time letting go of it. I also have moments when I wish I did not know the things I do or at least did not have the perspective I do, then I could be lost in the game and never know it.

OK so back to my lack of social skills. I am going to have to build that back up, but at the same time find people I can actually talk to about more than surface issues. Thankfully there are some people in my life that I can.

When I was in high school I use to skip classes and go to Burger King with my friends, but other times they would go off without me and I would be in the library. I was always looking for something. Not really and answer, but an what I have no idea. I assume I will be looking till I die. I also assume if I find it I would know it. This journey of looking has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I understand things so much better or at least I understand people better and because of that most people scare the hell out of me. The curse is I am limited on who I can talk to about it. A therapist asked me once "Who is Brian?" the honest answer is I don't know. I heard an answer once form someone, maybe it was Deepak Chopra (who I don't follow) that said "I'm an astounding, lucid confusion. I'm your own voice, echoing off the walls of God."

Monday, December 8, 2008

Justin TV Update

I have set my room from 18+ to general (I am trying it out and seeing how it goes). So now I will be listed on the channel listing page. I have had to ban some words since now it is a "family friendly" chat. I am sure as time goes on I will see more words that I need to add to the banned list.

I am also going to have to give some people moderator status since I am not in that room 24/7. I don't want the moderators to perm ban anyone just give them 10 min time outs. If someone is causing a major issue email me on with their screen name and what they said and I will add them to the ban list.

Because now everyone can see when I am online expect to see some hateful comments directed at me or the room. I have been doing stuff on the internet for years so believe me it does not bother me in the least. Don't let immature people bother you either. If you click on their name there is an ignore button and you will never see anything they type again. It is that easy :-) Try not to engage them in a fight it only will feed the troll. :-)

For people who are reading this blog and have no idea what I am talking about. My address where I lifecast is

UPDATE Took My Mom To The Hospital

I just wanted to let everyone know my mom is ok. Some people have been emailing me asking and I apologize it took me so long to put an update up to this. It turns out it was just a reaction to the antibiotic she was on and so they changed her medication. She rested up the next day and is now back to normal.

This all started because she had a kidney infection and was given Cipro. Her second pill caused bad pain in her chest/stomach area. Because of the location on the pain, her doctor wanted her to go to the hospital. The hospital did blood work and an EKG to rule out heart attack and did a CT scan of her Aorta, digestive track and kidneys. They did the kidney CT to rule out a kidney stone that may have gotten stuck, since that could also be the cause of the pain. Turns out the Cipro caused most of her digestive track to just flare up really bad. So they changed her pill.

I will try to write more later, but just wanted to let everyone know she was fine and doing well. Thank you all for asking.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Took My Mom To The Hospital

So for the past couple of days I have continued to clean my apartment. Today I took a break from cleaning because my hands have started to become chapped. So I have just been putting lotion on them. Once they clear up I will get back to cleaning. The apartment is about 80% clean so I am almost done.

Since I could not clean up today I decided to do some laundry over at my parents house. My mom has today off from work. She went to the doctors yesterday and they think she has a kidney infection. So they put her on an antibiotic. While I was there cleaning she told me that she thought the pill was making her sick. She had thrown up earlier and had bad stomach pain. She is on several other medications so I asked her if she asked the pharmacist if the new drug would interact with her other pills. She said the nurse said they wouldn't, but she never asked the pharmacist.

While I was there she threw up again and her pain in her stomach got worse. So she called her doctor and he called back about 20 minutes later and told her to go to the ER and have an xray of the digestive track. I have no clue how they do an x-ray of the stomach area. So I am thinking he meant an upper GI or a CT scan. So she called my father and I drove here to the hospital. My father met us there. She is still there and I am just waiting to hear word from my father so I know what is going on.

A few months back my mother passed out and I took her to the ER so this is the second time in the past few months I have taken her to the hospital. Hopefully the antibiotic just really irritated her stomach and it is nothing else. They didn't know why she had fainted a few months back either.

I have been trying to make myself go out once a day at least. I have been to hannaford supermarket almost everyday this week. I don't stay long of course, but I have been going. The other day my computer had an issue so I ended up having to go to walmart. They did not have what I needed for my computer so then I had to go over to circuit city. It was more expensive than I had hoped and the stuff I needed came to $133. So I put it on my credit card. I then came home and rolled all the quarters I had and brought them over to my parents house since they are taking care of my credit card right now. I only had $46 dollars in quarters though. I have a bag of dimes and told them I would roll them up and bring those over too.

The problem is I am working with dying computers so hopefully at some point some how I can get a new desktop. I need a new laptop as well, but the desktop is way more important. I am also having issues with my DSL. It is going to slow so I am having issues with using Justin TV. I don't talk on the mic anymore because the lag is sometimes over a minute.

I think after xmas I will call time warner and get a cable modem with digital phone. Then my cable, cable modem and digital phone will be part of a package deal and I will save money by dropping verizon. The only down side to getting the cable modem is this is a very old building and they will have to drill a hole in the wall to install the cable modem. I only have one cable outlet and that is in the living room. The complex I live in has a deal with time warner though so they have no issue with them having to drill a hole. It is just I will feel nervous while the guy is here and the longer he is here to more nervous I will feel. It will be worth it though to have faster internet.

So hopefully my mom is ok. If I thought it was anything major I would have stayed. I have major issues with hospitals and since they were going to draw blood I couldn't be in there with her. I also get really nervous sitting in the wait rooms. I also start to worry about that super bug found in hospitals called MRSA and the flesh eating bacteria. They are becoming more common in NY and CA.

If you have never heard of MRSA you can find out more information by watching the video below.

as always if the video stops working email me so I can update it.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Moving on....slowly

The other day I was able to get all the trash out of the apartment. Yesterday I moved my bed from the other bedroom to the one that has the computers in it. I just couldn't sleep in that other room anymore. Plus if someday I do end up getting a roommate I want this room because it is larger and has the internet connection.

I am actually in the process of changing most of the apartment around and right now it is a disaster because I can only do so much at a time. I still feel very wore out and every morning when I wake up I start getting heart palpitations for awhile. Then several hours later I feel better and start to clean.

I knew my apartment was a mess, but until I started moving things around I had no idea how much crap was just laying around. I think the three years we lived here we vacuumed two or three times. The last room I am going to clean is the bathroom. I feel ill cleaning bathrooms so I am putting it off.

I went to bed about 7:30pm last night and slept till 4am. So that is pretty decent. Though right now I don't feel like I slept at all.

Yesterday I also went to the corner store to get cigarettes and some food items. I was not ready to go into the supermarket with the way I was feeling. I also had not been outside since my xbf left. I have been eating more, which is good. This whole ordeal has taken a tremendous toll on my body and I will just be happy when I get back to my normal abnormal self.

I think over all I am doing pretty well for someone who was dumped after 5 years, has all the issues I have and living alone.

I tried to stop smoking, but it was too soon and the last thing I want to do is drive myself nuts, so I am holding off on that for a short while.

Yesterday we had some freezing rain here, but thankfully it turned to rain later so I think it is all melted now. I will know as soon as the sun comes up. I have such simple goals that to a normal person would seem stupid. Like today the goals are to clean more and go to the mail box on the corner to mail a few items out.

On a completely different note, if any of you have HBO, Big Love and True Blood are very good shows. You can catch up on them if you have HBO on demand. That and I saw a video yesterday on youtube that made me laugh only because it is so demented.

Warning on the youtube video though, it is not work friendly or child friendly. So I am just going to put the link and not embed it.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Day My Boyfriend Left

The day my xbf left. Most of the day was going well. I was watching tv while he was packing up his car for his first trip to move stuff out to his new place. I felt surprisingly good, but I was tired. Because I was so tired I did not feel safe driving so I called my mom and asked if it would be ok if my dad drove my thanksgiving dinner over to me instead of me picking it up. She said that was fine. They only live about a mile from me anyway.

My father dropped the food off at about 215pm. My xbf was still out moving stuff into his new place and then went to walmart. So about 230pm I ate my thanksgiving dinner and put his in fridge. He got home about 4pm and I heated his food up. Around that time I started to feel very ill like I was going to throw up plus I was so tired. I had been awake since about 1130pm the night before. So I decided to lay down since I suddenly was not feeling well. I told my xbf to wake me up when he was almost finished loading his car with the second load of stuff (his last load before leaving). I told him I was not feeling well and just needed to lay down.

He woke me up about 630pm and said he was almost ready. I got up and smoked a cigarette with him. Suddenly I started to get the worst cramps. I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome so I have had cramps before, but not in a long time. They became so intense I had to go to the bathroom. When I was in there they got so painful. Past the point they usually are. I broke out into a cold sweat and started to pass out. Finally the pain passed and I didn't faint. I stood up and looked in the mirror and I was egg shell white and all clammy looking. I felt pretty woozy.

I came out of the bathroom and my xbf could see how pale I was. I told him I almost passed out from the pain. He stayed for about 10 more minutes and I gave him a hug goodbye and told him I loved him and hugged me back and told me he loved me too. Then he left.

Still feeling very ill I laid back down in bed and started to shiver. I was so cold feeling and eventually I feel back to sleep. I woke up at 1am. I still felt weak and completely wore out and started eating small amounts of food and drinking water. I just laid on the couch mostly yesterday. I felt so sad, but couldn't really grieve because I was so weak and ill.

When I was little about 50% of the time I ate my moms food I became ill and had cramps. Often she tells me she has a "stomach flu", but I sometimes think it is her cooking. Since my xbf and I are going to try to remain friends, I emailed him and told him I was feeling a bit better and asked if he ever got sick since he ate later than I did. He wrote back telling me he didn't, but woke up with a massive headache. However he gets headaches a lot so it does not really mean anything.

I had been on my diet that I told you all about the "boiltarian diet" till the breakup happened. Then I couldn't eat so when I was hungry I would eat anything that I felt like eating. The first whole week I ate nothing but McDonald's followed by TV dinners and Hershey bars. I had not had cramps in almost a year and I think I have completely screwed my body up because of what I was eating. I have never experienced cramps like that before. They were always painful, but anyone who has IBS knows when you have a cramp it peeks at a point, just around the point you can't take the pain the pain goes down. That day it reached it's peek and went 3 times higher. It was more painful than the day I was taken to the ER for my lung issue. In fact I might even say that to date it is the most pain I have ever felt. (My pain is always on my left side thankfully so I know it was not my appendix.).

I started back up on my boiltarian diet yesterday. I have forgotten how crappy I feel off it. Cramps are something I definitely didn't miss having. I went to bed at 6pm yesterday and woke up this morning around 3am. I still feel a little wore out, but so far better than I did feel. I have a ton of trash to take out. I told him just to leave it and I would do it for him, but I didn't know I was going to get that sick when I said it. I am hoping today I can get most of it out.

So far it is hard for me when I go to bed and when I wake up. When I go to bed no one is here and that feels weird. When I wake up no one is in bed next to me and the apartment is just silent. The first few second I am awake I feel ok, then this doom feeling rushes over me almost like "oh shit this is my life". Yesterday during the afternoon I felt ok emotionally. It is so far times like right now when it is dark outside and the apartment is quiet, then I start to feel like I am not going to be ok and that I can't handle this. Then that emotion passes and I feel ok again.

I admit since I almost passed out I am a bit nervous. I feel like I am taking it easy for fear that that feeling will come back and I actually will faint. I am also a little bit scared about living alone. My cat Timo does not know that he moved yet and still thinks he is coming home. Yesterday (Friday) around the time my xbf would come home from work he sat by the stairs and waited like he always does. Eventually he went in the bedroom to sleep. I know he knows something is up because he has been acting stressed and yesterday took a crap on the floor next to his litter box which he never does. I am not looking forward to cleaning that up since I am so squeamish.

My xbf ended up leaving me his desktop computer, the digital camera and even picked me up some cigarettes, plastic cups and paper plates. It is so hard to deal with all of this right now because even though I am angry and so very sad that he left me how can I be angry when he took care of me till the moment he left. I just really miss him. I also worry about my ability to cope long term with this. I mean this is only day two since he has been gone. I already feel like a shell of myself. It is like when that door closed half of me died.

Anyway lets hope today I can eat more and can clean some.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thanksgiving and Therapy

Holidays are not an easy time for me. For as long as I can remember I find them depressing. All except Halloween. I don't even like my birthday. I always get morbid thoughts about dying in a car crash around a holiday or someone I love dying on a holiday. You know the stuff cheesy lifetime movies are made of. The kind of movie where the whole family grieves every year for decades because they lost so and so on Christmas.

My bf well xbf is leaving me tomorrow on Thanksgiving. My mom is making me food and I will go over to her house and pick it up. She made enough for my xbf as well. So he will be finishing packing tonight and move his stuff tomorrow. Eat with me and then be gone.

My parents are eating at my sisters house. They pretty much do every year. I am invited as always, but can't go because I have issues eating around people I don't know. I have not seen my sister in years and all her adult kids will be there and other family members. Truth is I just don't really know them that well. We never were a close family. I pretty much just have my parents family wise. My sister got married soon after I was born so we have a large age gap.

I was doing well with the breakup till last night when it hit me again and I cried for about 2 hours. Then it was gone. It comes in waves. I know the healthy thing to do is after he leaves to soon after be around other people. I know I should go for walks to get outside. The problem is I just don't want to. Right now the last thing I want to do is see anyone. I don't even know if I want to talk to people. I have moments where I feel good and then email people back and I am very thankful for the emails of support I have got. If I don't reply right away please do not take it personal.

I had talked in a past post about stopping therapy. Unfortunately it was not helping and might have been making things worse. So I called on Monday morning Nov. 24th and left a voice mail and basically said "Hey this is Brian and I have an appointment with ***** at 3pm on Tuesday and I am calling to cancel that appointment and I do not want to reschedule...I have been with your program for three years and it really is not working out for me....thanks." and that was that.

I don't have to worry about my Xanax because I get that from my regular doctor, actually the nurse practitioner that I see. I had been taking .25mg twice a day for awhile and since the breakup I have been taking three .25mg a day. I am allowed six .25mg a day so I am only at half the dose. I think a week after he is gone I will try to go back to just taking it twice. I really don't even like being on drugs. Sometimes I wonder if it even helps anymore. It use to. I can't tell now.


So soon after my xbf went to work this morning I started to itch on my hip where the elastic band is on my boxers. So I look and I have a hive the size of a pencil eraser. So I think about what I ate in the past few hours and some of the things include tomato juice, walnuts, egg and beans. You know all the foods that are high allergy risk. So if a food did cause it I have no clue which. I also had taken a xanax a few hours before.

So it is a single hive and I feel fine and it seems to be going away, however I am worried I am going to go into complete anaphylactic shock. Now I am also fearful that my first reaction was mild and the next time I eat the offending food I will end up in the ER unable to breathe.

I am also aware that maybe the elastic band poked me the wrong way and that is the cause.

Of course being the hypochondriac I am I looked up hives and it says 80% are of unknown reason and can be caused by stress. Though I am always under stress and have been threw breakups before. So I don't think I have a stress hive.

A few years ago I broke out with a single hive on my knee and had ate a peach and sunflower seeds that day. I stopped eating peaches since and I don't think I have had sunflower seeds either. I doubt I am allergic to either. I would get tested, but you know I don't like blood and needles. Maybe someday.

Not that any of this matters what is going to happen is what is going to just really gets to me. Like really did I need to get a hive right now? I would assume it was a spider bite, but no clue how a spider would get there. I tried to take a picture of it to show my doctor the next time I go, which is what the dermatology page said to do, but it wont show in the picture.

My mom said she use to get hives after eating oranges and now she doesn't. Why she continued to eat them is beyond me. She was on this medication years ago and had taken it for a long time on and off and never had a problem. Then one day her tongue swelled up so bad she couldn't talk and was taken to the ER. It got so big so fast she couldn't talk properly for a month. I think I was 3 when that happened and don't remember it.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Depression and Insomnia: All in the Gut?

I have been watching this guys videos for sometime and although I disagree at times with him on some issues he is well worth watching. Watch two of his videos and see what you think. If you like him, just click one of the videos and it will open up to youtube. Then you can subscribe to his videos. I have a great appreciation for anyone who is trying to help people and thinking outside of the box. He is one of the many I have admiration for.

**note as always if a video no longer works please email me so I can remove it or replace it.

Olive Oil of Death

**This took place at 11:30pm Nov. 24th so it has been 24 far so good.**

So I go into the kitchen and take 2 tablespoons of olive oil and eat it. Putting the jar away I notice a black fungus/mold looking thing at the bottom..almost the shape of an earth worm. Looking closer it appears to have black spores in the jelly shaped object. It is not past its expiration date and the last bottle I had never did this. So then I am like what the hell?

So I try to find anything online that looks like it. They say it can get cloudy, but I looked at pictures and it is not that kind of cloudy, but a black cloudy worm shape.

I shook the bottle and it went away and then settled again. I threw it out. Then I took it out of the trash and put it in a plastic bag so I can sue the damn company if I get sick.

The only thing I can find related to olive oil is garlic in olive oil, which this is not. That food poisoning (olive oil w/ garlic) is Botulism. Oh how fun that would be. I would have to be put on a breathing machine and since it is so rare in the United States the hospital has to call the CDC and the antitoxin has to be flown in from Atlanta GA. Botulism can kill me or put me in Intensive Care.

And here is the starts usually between 18-36 hours, but as soon as 6 hours and as late at 10 days. 10 DAYS!! Are you kidding me?? So I took 1000mg of vitamin C in hopes whatever the hell it was the acid from the C might kill some of it. If I still drank alcohol I would so be taking shots of vodka to try to kill it.

I am never buying that imported brand from Italy again. So do I feel simi sick to my stomach right now? Yup, but that most likely is 100% placebo effect. What I have to look for is double vision, muscle paralysis and drooping eye lids.

I just want to know what the hell it am I going to be fine? Will I just get the runs? Or am I going to face multiple organ transplants and death? That would be fitting with everything going on in my life right now.

Now am I in a panic?. Not really. I almost don't care. I can at least say this is beyond my control and I cannot be blamed for it. Not that I want food poisoning.

For the record the oil I ate was clear, tasted fine and no bad smells either.

OK just had to share that and will be much happier after 36 hours and then even happier after 10 days.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Anatomy of a Breakup

I had not ate very much food or slept very much for about two days from all the stress of the breakup. I had a therapy appointment on Nov. 18th at 3:00pm that I had to end up canceling because that was the day my xbf and I had to go down to the rental office to explain to them that he was moving out and I was going to assume the lease. He was suppose to come home from work to go down with me at 9:15am. I had been up all night and was just going to stay up till he got in, then take a quick nap before I had to get back up and see my therapist. 9:15am came and went and by 10:00am I fell asleep. He got home at 10:43am and I woke up and I was mad at his disregard that I had to be some place later and he knew I had been up all night. He didn't seem to care and we fought over that.

I told him to go down to the rental office alone and if they need me I will go down the next day and deal with it. I just needed sleep. I called the therapist office and canceled my appointment. I was just to tired to go or to drive. It was rescheduled for Nov. 20th at 1:00pm. The next morning (Nov 19th) I went down to the office around 1030am and did what I needed to do to assume the lease. I really did not sleep and cried most of the day.

My xbf when he first started looking for a place to live found a girl online who was looking for a roommate, but that did not work out so he started looking for his own apartment. He told me he thought it was for the best anyway because he needed to be alone and have his own space. We also had a talk a few days before that we would like to remain friends. Giving each other space at first, sending an email to each other a few times a week, not talking about anything personal, just how his job was going or talk about interesting news or youtube videos we saw. (We talked about the news a lot in our relationship). The goal was to keep it neutral nothing personal so no ones feelings would get hurt...mainly mine since I am the one who has issues with this breakup.

Nov. 20th at 1pm on very little sleep and hardly any solid food I went to my therapist appointment. We were talking about the breakup and I started to feel sort of faint. I mentioned to her I felt like I was going to pass out, but that I figured it was just anxiety. I continued to tell her about how everyone so far locally that I met online I would not want to be friends with and that they were either messes or we just are not compatible. She said "Everyone??" like a therapist does when you make a statement. I then felt like ice cold water was running down the insides of my upper arms and said "you know I really don't feel that well." and she asked if I wanted to leave and I said yea and that I was sorry. She said it was fine and that I just need to eat and asked if I would be ok getting home. I told her I would be. I really don't know if it was anxiety or lack of sleep and food or maybe all of it mixed.

When we got out to the waiting area she was writing an appointment card out for me to come back my usual time on Tuesday at 3pm. I had only been there for 20 mins. The ghetto girl at the desk started laughing and the girl next to her was trying to hold back from laughing. I am not the type of person to think that when someone is laughing it is about me. However I can tell when it is and it was because I just got there and now leaving so soon. I assume my therapist thought maybe the same because as she was writing my appointment card she said to the girl "Is everything ok?" and the girl did not respond. I left and drove home. I figured if I started to black out I would pull the car over. I got home fine and still felt crappy for a few hours and just drank some V8 juice.

That night my xbf came home and told me that he had maybe found a roommate. That he had emailed this guy back when he had emailed the girl who was looking for a roommate and that he had not replied because he was on vacation and just got back and got my xbf's email. He had went over and looked at the place and it was nice. Turns out the guy is a 33 year old professional and is gay too (he said he didn't know he was gay when he answered the ad). My stomach turned. I had just got use to and liked the idea of him living alone, but now he was moving in with a gay guy and it just cut so deep. So I cried for 2 hours till my brain adjusted itself or the xanax kicked in...whichever. My xbf gave me the intersection where the apartment was located, but there was no such intersection in Albany. I am from here so I figured he just had it wrong.

After he went to bed at random I just went on craigslist to see if I could find the ad and see where it was and maybe a picture of the apartment building. Turns out the ad was placed only 72 hours before. The day that my xbf told me he figured it would be best if he lived alone. The ad also states that the guy was gay. So he lied to me about the whole thing. I was pissed and hurt and went into the bedroom and told him I knew he was lying and then he got all mad because I was "spying on him". I believed everything he said I was just looking because there was no such intersection. I was not trying to catch him in a lie. So we fought over that and I ended up leaving and sitting in my car, smoking cigs for about half an hour till I felt relaxed enough to come back inside. Being agoraphobic it was weird. I no longer felt safe inside. It was like a reverse anxiety attack. I had to get outside into the cold air.

He told me that he was meeting this guy on Friday night at a restaurant. Which even if that is the truth I don't believe plus there is a gay bar right across the street. So Friday Nov. 21st he came home with a haircut and all new clothes from several different stores. Took a shower and took a taxi to go meet this guy. He left at 8pm and had told me the day before he would be back around 10:30pm however he got home about 1am.

I said nothing about the new clothes, the haircut or where he even went with his possible new gay "roommate". When he got home he stayed up for about 20 mins then told me he was going to bed. I said ok and since he did not tell me anything I asked if he was going to be moving in with that guy. He said "yea". I said "soon or around the 1st" and he said "next Sunday". The next morning "Sunday" has turned into "this Thursday" so I guess he will be leaving on Thanksgiving. I assume he will be coming and going for a few days so maybe he is moving Thursday-Sunday.

I don't think I have ever smoked so many cigarettes in my life. My weight has dropped. I am 148 lbs. Last year this time I was 165 lbs. My heart has been skipping so much, normally that would scare me, but so far I just don't care. I am sleeping ok it is just that I am sleeping all day and up all night. Yesterday I started eating again and ate even more today. I just eat what I can and then after my stomach settles down I eat a little more. I have not cried in almost 2 days, but that is going to change tonight. I could hold it in, but why bother. I think it needs to come out.

I would hope that things would be working out better for me since I am not the one ending this relationship, but here it goes.

His new rent $255 + half the bills. Mine $780 + all the bills
He has a job and see's people. I can't work right now and see no one.
He will be living with someone. I will be living alone.
He can go to the gay bars and drink and meet people. I can't go to the gay bars because I am an alcoholic and too weak right now to be around alcohol.

My parents of course pay for me to live and this is going to be a giant burden on them. I can't find a roommate right away for several reasons. Because of how I am with anxiety I can't live with a stranger and right now I don't know anyone well enough to live with them. Plus I just need some time to grieve and be alone till I am ready to socialize. Like after I am eating like a normal human again and my heart stops flipping around.

Since I get a new therapist (student in training) every year this year I sped things up by printing out parts of my blog for her to read to get her up to speed on my life. So I think she knows about the online blog. I never told her it was an online blog, but one time she said "so is it like an online blog?" I said "sort of". I figure anyone could type any part of my blog in on google and find it right away. So sometimes I just figure she could be reading it...who knows.

As for therapy I think I am done. I have been going for about 3 years now and it has not done a damn thing for me. Every week I go and basically paying her to listen to me. The truth is I go just to see a different human being and talk. Since I don't have any really good friends right now in real life it is like I am renting one. I also find myself annoyed over the years sometimes for lack of understanding, other times because I have been through this so many times nothing new is said to me.

For one example. If anyone of you read my blog enough you know I am scared to death of having a tetanus shot and have not had one since I was about 7 years old. I am way overdue. This Nov. my xbf was suppose to take me because I felt safer with him than if my parents took me. There is a good chance I could faint from it and I know from experience after I faint I am in no shape to drive. I don't just bounce back from it like some people. I am also scared to death of the vaccine itself. I don't feel personally it is a safe product and side effects can occur up to 6 weeks after the injection. I have a fear of fainting as well and since it might cause me to faint it is a double edged sword. Some side effects of the vaccine can be seizures up to 4 days after the shot. I also have a major fear seizures. So again it hypes me up. To put in simply. Even though I know I most likely will be fine like everyone else a part of my brain believes the day I get that shot is the day I am going to die and if not die end up crippled for life. My body then reacts to that thought like it is real. So making an appointment to get that shot is like asking you at some point next month pick the day you want to die.

I brought the tetanus shot up for a reason. I have moved it off a few months till I settle down from the breakup. So I won't be smoking so much and basically be in better shape to deal with the stress because right now I am pushed to the max with stress. I brought up to my therapist that it will be hard on me to see him pack up his stuff and leave. She says to me "Well maybe while he is packing up to distract yourself, maybe that would be a good time for your father to take you over to get your tetanus shot." Are you fucking kidding me?? Do you fucking get this at all? So while I am feeling like death, not eating, not sleeping and about to be left completely alone it would be a good time to go get the shot I deem as something that is going to kill me. Then come home to an empty house with no one to talk to and sit in fear for 6 weeks till I know I am ok?? Seriously what the fuck?

Now I have debated in my head if I should go back one last time to prove to myself that I am not just staying away because I felt faint the last time I was there. Then just not return and be done with it. I am leaning towards just not going back. Why push myself and make things worse? I already know I could go back again and that being at the therapists didn't make me feel faint. But high anxiety or not eating most likely did. I am tired of pushing myself. I am tired of being tired.

For 17 years I have dealt with many substandard friendships and relationships and substandard jobs and substandard medical care (except my lung, oral surgeon they were great.) I think I am done with the substandard therapy. Maybe someday if I have health insurance I will see a professional again and not a student. I have before, but it has been a very long time. I feel so awful and to think I am on xanax. I wonder how bad I would feel without being on it. I can't even imagine.

So now I am waiting for him to leave. For his key to be handed to me and for the door to close for the last time. From there where things go I don't know. I guess there is only two ways things can go. They can get better or they can get worse. And like I always tell people I am not suicidal. I am to nosy to be suicidal, meaning I have to find out how the story ends. I want to see what happens with my life because I always have held out hope that someday things would be better. Plus sometimes I have good days, days so good I forget I even have an anxiety disorder and I forget all the bad stuff from my past. I live for those days no matter how rare they are. Plus through it all I know someone is worse off than me and it could be a lot worse than what it is. Even if my heart stopped beating right this second I am older than many people on this planet have lived to be. Call me a sucker, but before I die I want the happy ending. I just hope I get it.

Even after everything I still would like to get to a place where my xbf and I could be friends eventually. And of course I have the 5% fantasy that he will leave and the harsh reality of the world will hit him and he will remember how nice I was and come back to me. But like I said it is only 5% and I am not counting on it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The love of my life

You are the love of my life and you are leaving me. I am not perfect, but I love you so much. I have been in so much pain these past few weeks. We had to change all the utilities into my name and go down to the rental office to get your name off the lease. Each step of this process has been killing me.

I have been with you for 5 years and I have no real friends and because of my illness no job. But I try my best to make up for that by cleaning your clothes and supporting you in any choice you make. Even the choice to leave me. I have even told you safe areas of the city to live because I don't want to see you get hurt.

My parents pay for my bills, they have always helped me money wise. They have never really helped me emotionally and even when it comes to us breaking up to them it is not a big deal and I should be over it or not get so depressed. They are also old now....I won't have them much longer and no other family to speak of when they are gone.

To try to make myself feel better I have been going into chat rooms to make sure people still find me attractive because I am in my 30's. They do and that helps, but they aren't you. They will never be you.

I have been through breakups before so I know the pain will fade, but I am older, and not financially secure plus this time around I have no friends that I can cry on. Though some strangers have been nice to me online and said I could talk to them about it if I need and even gave me their number...I just can't break down and be open with someone I just met.

I can't eat, days are just running together. Tonight I woke up before you got home and it was so quiet. Soon you will have your own place and that is all it will be here....quiet.

And the stupidest thing of all is who will I watch our favorite tv shows with? We have such a private and personal humor between us....and now it's just gone.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Affirmation E-mail

I got an email this morning that I thought I would share. I have talked a lot about diet, but I also do believe that affirmations and remembering who you are can be helpful.

After all we do affirmations all the time. It is call the "what if" thinking and the constant loop of negative and scary thoughts or imagines we have passing through our mind. Which is why I believe that intentionally forcing good thoughts can be very helpful and help you find balance in this and any illness, mental or physical.

For me diet can work on your physical being. Diet can give your body all the tools it needs to cope with stress and heal your body and brain. Diet will give you the strength to help you change you thinking process and changing your thinking will help heal the self (the mind).

Here is the email:

"I used to suffer from that.

Your problems are your mind accepting the ridicule, rejection, and judgment of other people. It's about standing firmly in your own infinite empowerment and REFUSING to feel anything but perfectly natural, beautiful, peaceful, balanced, and competent.

Affirmations will work.

It's all a tragic waste of time. It's being a FOOL.
It's allowing a mindfuck to control your life.
There is nothing to learn.
There is no purpose for the experience.
There is no fruit.
There is only the reality that every second you spend in pain is a humiliating, degrading insult to your nature, your character, your strength, and your spirit.

REFUSE to tolerate there being something wrong with you.
REFUSE to tolerate being insecure.
REFUSE to tolerate any person intimidating you.
REFUSE to tolerate the sickness that is society.
REFUSE to feel anything but your Natural Divinity and Infinite Empowerment.

Spirituality will set you free.

Transcending victim consciousness will teach you that you control the way you feel about yourself, your life, what you attract to yourself. It will teach you of your infinite internal source, which transcends ANY influence because it is an absolute force of nature.

You are an absolute force of nature.
You owe no apologies.
You owe no excuses.
You owe nothing.

You are a perfect, divine spirit, capable of absolutely anything.
Nothing more, nothing less."

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Things I Value

I saw my therapist today and she asked me to make a list of what I value and to bring it with me next week. This is actually very easy for me, after being through so much in my life I definitely know what I value, but I figured I would share it with you guys as well.

1. Compassion
2) My Health
3) Intelligence
4) Trust
5) People who just don't listen, but actually hear you.
6) The ability to think outside the box.
7) Those people that can walk in a room and their energy brightens it.
8) Making people laugh or people who can make me laugh.
9) Silence and stillness (Like being in a dark room alone, laying in bed and just touching the wall with your hand just to feel the coldness of the wall.)

Monday, October 27, 2008

Free DVD About The Boiltarian Diet

I made a 43 min video about the diet I use to help myself cope with the stress anxiety puts on my body. A few posts down you can watch it for free online. The video was too large for youtube and for some reason google video is not letting me upload it. So I ended up uploading it to the internet archive. The down side to this is that site is so busy, that at times during the day you can't view it.

You can watch it for free on my blog or if you would like a DVD copy of it for free just e-mail me your full name and mailing address and I will get a copy out to you. I have already sent out about 24 copies.

The reason why it is free is because when you convert windows media video to DVD every so often the sound dips for a split second. Also on the DVD just like if you watch the video online there is 10 seconds or so where my voice goes out of sync with my lips and the sound messes up when I say "no bacon".

DVD's will be sent out as fast as possible and in the order requests are received so if you e-mailed me your address rest assured it will be mailed to you.

I am going to continue mailing this DVD out for free till I decide to end it. In the meantime I am eventually going to make a much more professional DVD (with my extremely amateur equipment and software hehe) and that one will be for sale. I already have a distribution company I am going to use when I am pleased with the end product.

The price of that DVD will be as cheap as I can make it. I am not looking to make a profit, but I think that company charges $5.54 per copy plus shipping so I will have to maybe have it around nine dollars. This way people who shop on amazon and have never seen my blog or have been lucky enough to find people on youtube who share the same illness can get a copy.

OK so for now you can get the free DVD by just e-mailing me your full name and mailing address to (I will ship to a po box, so if you are uncomfortable giving out your home address a po box is fine.)

***NOTE I will ship this DVD worldwide however make sure that if you are not in the United States that your DVD player can play NTSC format, because I do not have it available in PAL format, which I believe is used in Europe.

Keith Is Back Home

I picked Keith up from the airport yesterday afternoon. His trip went O.K.

I however did not end up quitting smoking and I am still disappointed by that. After 48 hours of not smoking my mother and I had an argument on the phone. Unable to handle stress without a cigarette and already in major withdrawal I drove to the gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes. I ended up smoking 12 in a row like a feen. Then I broke all the rest up and threw them out and stopped again.

Less than 24 hours later, Keith called me and had broken some promises to me and I caught him in a lie. I won't get into details because I try to keep our relationship private. But needless to say I drove at 4am to the supermarket and bought another pack of cigarettes.

As of now here is how the smoking is going. We are both smoking outside only. I refuse to smoke in the house. I don't care how cold it gets outside or if it is pouring rain, if I want a cigarette that bad I will just have to smoke it outside. Also I told Keith to no longer buy me cigarettes. If I want them bad enough I have to go out on my own and get them.

I will beat this addiction. I just hope I do before I end up with lung cancer or another smoking related disease.

My next serious attempt will be Tuesday afternoon. I will not bore you guys with the details, but promise as soon as I get one week without smoking I will let all of you know.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Agoraphobia and Panic Attack Diet (Boiltarian)

A lot of people wanted to know more information on the diet I have done that made me feel a lot better with my anxiety. So I figured I would do a video and try to sum it up for you. It is very amateur and at one point the audio goes out of sync for a few seconds. Sorry about that. I am still new to editing long videos.

I named the diet "The Boiltarian Diet". I was working out the details of it in the past, so if you see anything else online about the diet do not consider it correct at this point till I have time to change what I wrote and remove some videos I made about this diet in the past.

If you have questions feel free to email me.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My First Time Away From Keith

I dropped Keith off at the airport at 4:30am this morning. He is flying home to visit his family and friends in FL. He will only be gone 4 days, but to me it seems like an eternity. We have been together for almost 5 years and this will be the first time we have spent more than 24 hours apart from each other.

This is particularly hard on me because I have major trust and jealousy issues. Not only has most the boyfriends I have had in my life cheated on me, but they usually do it when they are on vacation away from me. Having these thoughts run through my mind are not easy for me to deal with and only upset me.

I just keep telling myself. I can not control another persons actions. I mean in reality I would have to watch him 24 hours a day to make sure he never cheated.

The worst part of dealing with myself on this topic is I am not free of this "sin" myself. I have myself cheated in past relationships. I also always got away with it. So in my mind I figure if I got away with it then he could as well.

The only reasons I knew my past boyfriends were cheating on me were because they were really bad at lying or covering their tracks.

My other fear is once he is away from me for a few days maybe he will enjoy it. Maybe he will see me as a burden and leave me. Again I am trying to keep those thoughts at bay.

All that being said I hope he has a good time. I will be so glad though when Sunday is here and I can pick him up from the airport. I really will miss him.

While he is gone I am going to make the bold attempt to quit smoking. Every time I stop I become a mega bitch. There will be no one here for me to yell at. I have no cigarettes left in the house except one which I plan on smoking after this blog post.

I have no intention of leaving my home for the 4 days he is gone so I don't give in and stop at a store to by cigarettes. I am also going to limit my conversations with my mother so that her nagging about a subject does not upset me and cause me to want to smoke.

I am sure that many people locked in their home for 4 days without leaving might start to drive them mad, so in this case being an agoraphobic might have it's upside.

I mentioned in a past blog that the new sneakers that didn't fit me I was going to be mailing to someone for free in New Orleans, LA. I just wanted to give you an update and I did mail them to someone name Scott last week. His house was destroyed during hurricane Katrina, but they have since rebuilt and have a new baby.

Anyway that is all for now. Pray that I can stop smoking finally. If I can't do it this time I will be very disappointed in myself. I hope you all have a great day.

The First and Last Time I Address Hate Mail

This is going to be the first and last time I address hate mail or comments. On youtube I have my comments set to be approved for a reason. My videos are directed towards people that are suffering with panic attacks and agoraphobia. Many times comments will come in that "agoraphobia is fake" or "take meds".

I do not feel that those sort of comments should get through because after all the video are not for them and not very useful to the people watching my videos or reading my blog.

I recently got a comment that I would like to address. I tried to email the person back on youtube, but they have their account set to only receive email from people added to their friends list.

I have since removed the persons first comment because I have a strict policy of keeping any comments or emails I address here on the blog anonymous.

So here is the first comment:

"Hmm...I'm not sure how to respond. Most of "us" can barely make it to the mailbox, yet you're willing, and able to sacrifice yourself for the "cause" by going on Oprah?? How very noble of you."

Which I felt might be a little shady, but gave the person the benefit of the doubt and approved their message to which I replied.

"Well many times in my life I was unable to even go to the mailbox. I was never confined to a room in my home like some, but the longest I have been inside without leaving at all was a year. I still have major problems with many things when it comes to panic attacks and agoraphobia. Thankfully, right now I have 50% of it under control. I still suffer from it and with all the ups and downs I have had I am well aware that tomorrow may not be as easy as today."

The person replied to my comment which I did not approve by saying:

"After watching your vids & reading your blog, I truly believe there are other "issues" at play. Change your pdoc to one that will assist you in getting the benefits you're eligible for. And stop seeking your 15 min of fame as a "spokesperson" for something you have under control. Sorry, but we need a real one."

This is when I tried to email the person, but after clicking send youtube said the person did not accept emails from non friends.

My email to that person:

"Ok first off I am not seeking 15 mins of fame. The last thing I want is to have that. I am tired of how I have been treated since I developed panic attacks 17 years ago. If you don't feel that I am the right spokesperson why don't you be one as well. It would be a lot easier if many people with this issue spoke up in different ways they see fit at whatever level of agoraphobia or panic attacks they are in.

I do not completely have any of it under control. Most of the time I do not leave the house and half the time I have others do my shopping. It is just that the other half of the time I do go to the store, but many times I would have starved if no one went because I was not able to go outside my front door.

Besides panic attacks, anxiety in general, agoraphobia and my 3 phobias of blood, needles and dentists....what do you think my other "issues" are? If you tell me and it makes sense I will look into them.

I do not want to completely blow you off and I really think you have taken what I said the wrong way. I really would like to make other peoples lives easier. I would never want anyone to go through what I have been through with people, friends, family and doctors.

But like I said feel free as well to be your own spokesperson."

O.K. I wanted to address this because people with mental problems have had their own experience with different mental issues. I completely understand people are at different levels and different places in their life with their illness.

Here is the thing people. If you don't like how you are being treated and you see a major problem in society over any issue it is your responsibility to stand up for yourself and for others. You have to follow your own truth.

I do not expect everyone to like me that is a given. Everyone has their own opinion on subjects. If any of you do not agree with me or find that I am not helpful to you that is O.K. you are free to watch and read my blog and you are free to think I am a nutjob and ignore me.

What I would like to see however is if you don't like the idea of me becoming a spokesperson then become one yourself. If you don't like what I do, say or my past that is fine, but what are you doing to better your life and other peoples lives? If you sit in judgment of me and anyone else that is fine just as long as you are making your life and other peoples lives around you better. If you aren't and just sitting there blindly in judgment then all you are doing is spreading hate and not worth anyone's time.

As for changing Psych Doctors. I have had over 9. None of them (nor the general practitioner doctors) seem to think I need any form of assistance. Without health insurance you are limited on how much you can shop around. Also for those who don't know this, when you apply for disability they send you to their own doctor. A person who does not have any clue who you are. They ask you questions for about 10 minutes and then send their assessment off to the board. That doctors recommendation as well as your passed medical records are reviewed and the board about a year later makes it's decision.

For me the board found that I could get a "simple task job." They did not get that at that point I left my house once a week for a little over an hour to see my therapist. How they expected a home bound person to work outside the home is beyond me. Let alone how long would the employer keep a person who rarely could show up or stay?

I maybe able to leave my house more than some of you right now, but I have not been able to hold down a job at any point in my life due to anxiety.

I have had a unique perspective in my life. I have been blessed and cursed to see the darker side of life in general. Thankfully some of you never will know that world. Others I am sure have dealt with much worse and for that you have my sympathy and utmost respect.

For people trying to catch up on the blog and want to know more about me please refer to the blog link below.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Panic Attack Discussion

The following is a reply to the last letter I sent on youtube. What I did is break down the persons letter (the persons letter is in quotes) and my reply to that part of the letter is not. I hope it will be easy for the reader to follow along.
"Hi Brian-

I understand there are still a lot of things that you are dealing with and
I completely understand what you are saying. I agree that people in the medical field "should" be more sensitive but unfortunately they're not. There is no way for them to possibly understand what the sufferer goes through unless they have experienced it themselves."

My Reply: I would have to agree and disagree. Oncologists who treat cancer may not have had cancer themselves. Yet the person with cancer is treated as if they have a real illness.

"And of course, with all the people they see each day and all the different complaints, I am sure it's hard to stay sensitive when you hear it day-in and day-out from everyone. I think they become cold and I don't believe it's always intentional but I do believe that there could be more compassion. There are some that are doctors because it is their goal to "help" others but for many... it may have started out like that but it has become nothing but a profession. If only the world was a nicer place. :)"

My Reply: I agree, but I also would like to say that hearing it day in and day out is their job. Medical professionals should be held to a higher standard because they are not just a cashier checking us out at a retail store. When we are ill, sick and scared we have to entrust our lives to these people.

Teachers teach the same class to children in school day in and day out. They get the same questions asked to them over and over. Over and over they have to show children how to do math for example. The teacher can not just become complacent and on day six, third class, and ignore a child asking how to complete a math problem. The second a medical professional is just doing their job as a professional it is time for them to have follow up compassion classes or be removed.

"The word cure is different to everyone. For me, I don't use the word cure. I use the word recovery. And for me... it is not a destination but instead a point of being. I work hard everyday to stay in recovery. I keep my thoughts in place, watch what I eat, exercise ( to burn off excess adrenaline) and I don't allow my fears to swallow me to the point of avoidance anymore.

Years of personal research, I have learned that it takes a different combination of things to help different people. You really have to try different things to see what works best for you.

For me, it was a combination of CBT, exercise, and diet along with specific natural supplements."

My Reply: Recovery in the dictionary is stated as restoration or return to health from sickness and restoration or return to any former and better state or condition. I would agree that I am way better off now than 17 years ago when this problem first started. So if you take the time I had my first panic attack till now you could say that I am recovered or in a state of recovery. However I am not in a state of recovery if you focus on how I was before I ever had the panic attacks/anxiety start.

For many people who are recovered and/or cured they are not letting their fear swallow them to a point of avoidance anymore. However many are left living their lives not avoiding, but using their "tool box" of deep breathing or whatever their tool happens to be. You yourself said that you use exercise, diet and natural supplements, all are great and I know from experience they can help.

However many people have high stress lives, don't exercise and eating healthy is leaving the tomato on their burger. These people have not suffered from panic disorder and their is a good chance they will never have to deal with panic attacks or agoraphobia. So why are we different is my main point. I am looking for a cause or causes of the disorder. Especially now that the serotonin as well as the brain chemical theory is falling apart. CBT Map III program which claims a 70%-90% success rate states in their book, chapter 1, page 6 {Neurochemicals that may influence panic and anxiety include noradrenaline and serotonin. Although these types of substances may be present in greater amounts during the midst of anxiety and panic, there is no evidence to suggest that a neurochemical imbalance is the original, or main, cause of panic and anxiety.} Just so readers knows CBT Map III is used in the treatment of people with panic attacks by therapists.

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway is great and must be learned to help the person cope, but again I am interested in why this happens to us in the first place.

Mental illness is still a very taboo subject and it is my goal to not let it be one any longer. People with mental illness are still viewed by a large percentage of the public as weak or blamed for their illness. I recently said to my therapist that I do not completely trust the medical community because if this was 1965 I would be seeing a therapist and being treated for being a homosexual. I believe 1973 was when they finally removed homosexuality from the list of mental disorders. Yet in the mean time there were studies on lesbians that received shock treatments to cure them of their perversion. A little under 50 years ago they were trying experiments on people with schizophrenia by rubbing turpentine on their stomachs. Sigmund Freud use to give his depressed patients cocaine to treat their depression. Sigmund Freud later became addicted to cocaine and finally broke his addiction.

So when a doctor says to me take this SSRI it will make you feel better you have to remember I could shoot heroin and feel better it does not mean it is good for me. It does not address the cause. CBT also does not address the cause. Though I will say that CBT does help people learn to cope with the overwhelming emotions they have to deal with.

If you went into a dentist office and told the dentist that you have a heart condition the dentist may prescribe you an antibiotic a week before your visit. The dentist may also call your doctor to talk about if s/he feels it is safe for you to have a certain treatment. This is in complete contrast to what I have experience with dentists in the past and my current dentist. After explaining my state of anxiety and asking if I could be prescribed Valium before I had a root canal I was told "you don't need it." I was also denied nitrous oxide (laughing gas) because "I did not need it". Again the seriousness of the situation is not in many causes taken seriously and the patient is left dealing with a lot more emotional discomfort than is needed or not doing the procedure at all. It took me 3 years and 10 oral surgeon interviews before I found one that I trusted and listened to me. To that man I will be forever grateful. So I am not saying that all medical professionals are bad. I am saying the good ones are rare, but if you can find that gem it feels like a godsend.

"I did not reach my recovery by taking medications. There was a time when I thought I might need an SSRI - but quickly learned that it was not for me from all the research I did. When I learned that I would have to face my problems eventually without medication.... I thought...what's the sense of taking them? I also learned that people who do the CBT without meds have less of a chance of relapse.

This sounded real good to me but at the same time it was a very real, scary reality and these facts pushed me hard to practice everyday.

I am not suggesting that "doing" is what caused me to find recovery.
It was the "doing" along with telling myself the truth even though my symptoms told me otherwise. I felt like I was lying to myself.

My doctor gave me Ativan and told me to take them 3 x's a day for 10 days. I knew ahead of time they could be potentially addictive and so I did not follow his directions- Instead, I took them ONLY when when I felt I needed one. In the process of my therapy, I never finished that prescription and the ones I had left in the bottle became so old they literally disintegrated into powder."

My Reply: I do the same thing with my Xanax I take half of the dose they told me to take because though I am aware I am hooked to them right now coming off will be a lot easier than if I was taking the full dose. I completely understand why you handled the Ativan in that manner.

"There are many natural things that can help balance your brain chemicals. Even CBT has been proven to change the chemical imbalance in the brain during panic/agoraphobia and other mental illnesses. Margo Kidder ( an older actress) is an advocate of natural- alternative mental health. You might want to check their site for some helpful information- They talk alot about diet and supplements - Like I said - for everyone, it's different.... you need to find a combination of things that work for you along with CBT. Do not give up."

My Reply: Again I would like to point out that the balancing out of brain chemicals is becoming a myth of the past when it comes to panic disorder. People seem to do just as well with placebo drugs as they do with the real drug. Now before people then say "well then see it is all in the persons mind" I would like to tell you a story about something called placebo surgery.

People took part in a study were they had a bad knee. The damage was visible on x-rays or CT scans. Everyone in the group had a pre-op exam. Everyone in the group was taken to the O.R. and was put under anesthesia. Everyone in the group then had an incision to their knee. Then 50% of the people actually had surgery on their knee injury. The other 50% after the cut was made were stitched back up right away with no surgery taking place. When the results came in about half of the people that had the surgery were doing better and/or cured. The group that did not have surgery about half of them were doing better and/or cured. The numbers were basically the same. Some how they body repaired physical damage because the person believed they had surgery.

I bring placbo up for a reason. Some people recover from CBT, some from medication, some from just being told it is not dangerous and normal, others pray and Jesus removes the illness or Allah removes it depending on your traditional religious background. The truth is a lot of recovery and cures could be being caused by a placebo effect. Now if a person finds a cure or recovery that way I think it is great because the person is no longer suffering. But what about the people left when these treatments don't work?

Being a homosexual I have been told I can "pray the gay away." and indeed there are many organizations mainly religious that agree, one being exodus international and the american psychiatric association up till 1973.

My main concern is that people with any mental illness be treated with dignity and respect. Someone with diabetes is not seen as weird, lazy, blamed or just not trying hard enough to make the diabetes disappear.

"I also agree that many begin drinking due to self-medicating- I do believe that alcohol does exaggerate a preexisting anxiety problem."

My reply: In the long term it really does so if anyone reading this is abusing alcohol or any drug please try to seek help because it really is after awhile making your mental illness worse.

"Anxiety is a learned behavior and can begin even as young as a small child."

My Reply: Anxiety is not always a learned behavior. Lets step out of the human realm for a minute. I had a cat when I was little. We got her as a kitten about 8 weeks old. She was never beat, she was just a very loved, cared for cat. She was a nervous wreck. Any sound would scare her and she would hide. She would even hide from myself and my family. She was always under weight and ate a lot of food because she always had so much nervous energy. She was tested for physical disorders to make sure nothing was wrong with her and she had a clean bill of health. If a stranger came over to the home to visit forget it, she was gone under a couch or into a closet. She would disappear at the speed of light. Now one good thing I will say about her is she lived to be almost 20 years old which is a very old age for a cat. I and my family have had cats since her passing and none were treated any differently and none were nervous like she was. For anyone who is interested reading this her name was Daisy. She really was a cute cat. :-)

O.K. back to humans. Many people have had panic attacks and did not develop panic disorder. They continue on and off to have a panic attack through out their life and just are not scared about having them. Yet they still get them. What would be the cause of their panic attacks, especially if they do not have a high stress lifestyle or worried?


"I believe I had anxiety as a child and it followed me through adulthood and blossomed into a full panic/agoraphobia event. For me,
It was a severe amount of stress in my life that brought this on. I think it would have been easier for me to understand and recover.... if I knew more about stress and how it affected people. I am a type A personality and I work myself to the point of exhaustion. I was a people pleaser, do it all.... for everyone.... and I never put myself first.

My personalities along with being a negative thinker was a bad mix for me. I had to work hard to undo the habits that I learned from my own father."

My Reply: I agree this can be a major factor for some people with panic attacks, agoraphobia and anxiety. But again this brings me back to the example, everyone can have a seizure, but not everyone has epilepsy. I am not saying it is not as difficult for some people than others no matter what the reason. What I am saying is this could explain why treatment works for most, but not all. It could also explain why treatment works in different ways in different people and why there is so many different levels of recovery.

I would also like to state that information came out a few years back that it was discovered that the most common seizures, panic attacks and migraines seemed to be coming from the same area of the brain. Whatever became of that discovery I am unsure of. (Just so everyone knows anything that I am talking about can be looked up for free on google. No need to go out an buy a ton of books..unless you prefer books) :-)


"Recovery-Inc.Org is a FREE CBT program for people with all kinds of mental challenges. Yes, it's hard for someone with agoraphobia to go to these meetings but it's all about baby steps. I realize that finding therapies that are affordable is difficult , however, programs like this one are priceless. Recovery-Inc.Org is based on the works of Dr. Abraham Low."

My Reply: I will look into it as I am always trying to get more information on the subject. Just so my readers know I have not yet heard of Dr. Abraham Low so at this time I can not make a judgment call on his work.

"There is also Lucinda Bassett's program "Attacking anxiety and Depression" through the Midwest Center. I did this program and although a lot of the information is the same as in Claire Weeke's books, I enjoyed listening to her tapes over and over again. Repetition was very important for me in retraining my brain to think the right things.

The only way to overcome agoraphobia is by taking small steps EVERY day."

My Reply: Lucinda Bassett's program costs about $300 and really is not new information for anyone that has been in treatment with an anxiety problem for a long time. Lucinda Bassett's approach is not much different than the CBT Map III program I brought up earlier. So to save money, and to get the same information buying some books by Claire Weeke's would be much cheaper for you and are just as inspirational. I would also like to say for people who are religious Christians you may enjoy or find comfort in a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.

"When it came to the fear of "passing out". I heard conflicting stories.
As well with vomiting. I used to fear all kinds of things. In fact, one of the REAL things I struggled with was ulcerative colitis. I had diarrhea very bad. These were extreme urges to run to the bathroom about 40 times a day or more. Many times, there would be nothing but blood."

My Reply: I too had this problem as well and was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in late 1994 and took a drug called Azulfidine for 8 months. One night I had too much blood come out and was taken to Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester, NY. where I was living at the time and going to college. I have been in remission for many years now thankfully.

"I feared many times that I would not be able to find a bathroom. I had 3 small children at that time in my life as well. But I forced myself to challenge myself anyways. I would be in a store, facing my symptoms, and I worked the CBT while with little children that whined, I had to rush to the bathroom and take them along. Instead of leaving the store, I would stay. I went to the store daily - I thought people would think I lived there. But I was so focused on getting better that I did not care what others thought. In fact, I told myself "it's okay if I vomit in public - "it's okay if I faint"..... "I know that someone will help me should this happen". " I don't care what others think"..." I am not helpless". I realize some have vomited and some have fainted and it really is okay. It is inconvenient but at the same time, it is more important to face those fears and do it anyways."

My Reply: When it comes to facing my fears about vomiting in a store I have no problem. I am at a point in my life where I do not really care what the general public thinks of me. Do I want to throw up in the store? Not really and I know it would not be the end of the world. For health reasons I would like to not vomit when I get nervous. On average I throw up about twice a week for the past 17 years. That would mean I have vomited on average 1768 times. This has taken a toll on the back of my throat as well as the back of my teeth. Stomach acid has caused a large amount of damage to my teeth and is why I am having to go to the dentist for repairs. Sometimes I have thrown up so much, blood has come up and is the cause of why I was yet again taken to Bay Medical Center Emergency Room in Panama City, FL where I was living in 2006.

You made a statement that you know someone would help you. I hope that would be the case for you and all of us. I have my doubts in humanity in it's current state as shown in the video clips below:


"Dr. Archibald Hart talks a lot about the challenges men face in having these disorders- men suffer just as much as women - if not more due to the fact that society places upon them the stigma that they are supposed to be "stronger" than women in this sense. It's not right but the world is like that."

My Reply: I agree and it's not right but as you say "but the world is like that." Well it is up to all of us to change that. Many times people say "that is awful someone should do something about that." That person is you, me and all of us. If we do not stand for that any longer things can and will change.


"Brian- hang in there. It is one thing to "do" and other to feel peace while "doing". Feeling the fear and doing it anyways is not the "cure".
What matters more is how you talk to yourself about being sick.
It is our own personal perception of things that can keep us stuck or make us free. The mind is a very powerful thing and many times there are things in our subconscious that we are not even aware we are thinking. Journaling helps get into this area of our brain and so I am glad you are blogging! It will allow you to go back and reread things and you may notice something later on in life that you didn't notice before. "

My Reply: Thank You. My goal is to have people put pressure on the medical community to find the cause and the cure. We have a war on cancer and a war on drugs...where is the war on mental illness? But more importantly it is to get people with mental illness the respect they deserve like any other human should have. My other goal is to have the proper training and up to date information passed on to medical professions. My blog is not just for me, but for anyone that has been through the ringer and still no better off and searching for answers.

"I don't believe anxiety happens for no reason. I believe there is a reason for everything. Anxiety can be the result of a hormonal imbalance or something as simple as a prolapse valve in the heart.
There are different things- for me, it was too much stress...for too long of a period mixed with not understanding what I was feeling or going through.

Education is key and the earlier people are educated and understand, the sooner they can find healing so they can prevent further episodes.

I personally believe children should be taught about stress and anxiety in school in their health classes. If you train a child to see it for what it is, and how to deal with it, along with common fears and common feelings , they will be less likely to be afraid of their feelings and thoughts in the future."

My Reply: I agree that children should be taught about mental illness in school and how to handle their own feelings. I think this education is just as important for adults and especially medical professionals.


"Well I must be going- Your long email has required a long response!
Sorry about that!

I wish you well in your journey Brian- there is still much to learn and I hope you find a combination of the right things that work for you. :)

Take Care! "

My Reply: Thank You and I wish you well as well. Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I hope others will take the time as well. If anyone would like to see my videos on youtube just search "silentjealousy77" and my videos will come up. Again thank you to the person who sent me this letter. I would also like to say to get caught up please return to the begining of my blog and read everything. This will give you a greater understanding of me, but also allow you to read questions that were already asked. :-)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

My Nine Points Of Interest

A letter I received on youtube. My reply is under the letter.

"Agoraphobia is a real illness but it's also important to know that you can overcome it. For everyone, the recovery time is different. Persistence is the key. Avoidance only makes anxiety worse. Years ago Oprah had a show (before Dr. Phil was famous) where they worked with phobias, including agoraphobia.

You must not give up or see this illness as a "permanent" one. It's about retraining your brain to see things properly and it takes a lot of hard work and determination.
One of the programs I did, said that it takes at least 1000 times of telling yourself something before you finally believe it. This helped me to see that I had A LOT of work ahead of me with positive, truthful self-talk.

One of the books that helped me the most about agoraphobia was a book called "Hope and Help for My Nerves" by Claire Weekes. She also did another book based on panic/anxiety attacks called "Peace from nervous suffering". They are both very good however "Hope and Help" specifically speaks about agoraphobia ( avoidance behaviors).

Repetition is very important for people who are suffering from agoraphobia. For me, I had to visit the grocery store every day, stand in line, allow myself to panic and practice telling myself the truth - it was hard to do. Very uncomfortable. However, there was one truth that got me through that line everyday - it was the fact that I knew I could not live like that and I was willing to do whatever it took to get better. I learned that it takes your body a long time before it "feels" the affects of your new thoughts/behaviors.

So even when you think your practice sessions are not working....they are.

It's hard to believe what others have said about recovery. To trust what others have said to you about how to get better is very difficult. Because in the back of your mind you think that it worked for them...but what if it doesn't work for you. That's the famous lie that anxiety likes to tell. It's been telling it for decades and decades.

Feelings are not facts. Feelings indeed are the end result of what we tell ourselves.

You might also check out It's free and chances are good that you have one nearby. They also now offer meetings over the phone. This program is cognitive/behavioral "hands on" ( meaning that you learn the cognitive/behavioral approach in these meetings first-hand). For some, this is the best way since they have a hard time keeping their thoughts in line with truth, especially when severely anxious.
This website offers you a step-by-step plan. It helped me great many years ago and made a huge difference in my recovery.

If you ever have any questions about my experience or just want to vent, feel free to email anytime!

Don't give up! There is freedom- I know because I am finally free of that torment!"

My Reply:

I am glad you are doing better. I do have and read the book "Hope and Help for My Nerves" by Claire Weekes it is a very good book.

I just want to be more clear on what I am talking about in my videos. Fear of the way you feel is a trap that I understand. The more you are scared of lets say a dizzy spell, then you might have the thought "I hope I don't faint" this will set in motion your heart pounding because you took a simple dizzy spell and scared yourself more. And as you know it will spiral out of control.

I agree CBT and/or medications really can help this illness. However many times people throw around the word "cure". This all depends on what you think a "cure" is.

At one time I was completely in my house and now I am not. That part I can fix and have my ups and downs. I have had panic attacks for 17 years and agoraphobia mostly for the past 5 years due to the panic attacks. However here is the thing. I am not scared of having a panic attack or even the general anxiety that goes along with having the disorder.

Here is where my real interests fall:

1) The lack of understanding by the public and many medical professionals on the subject. I can not tell you how many times I have been treated badly by medical professionals or have had to explain to them what agoraphobia was. I feel they should be informed of the illness so they can help the person get through it and show compassion. Not treat people in away that will make them feel worse or more scared of a situation especially for people who have not yet learned to control their panic.

2) Responsible information given to the patient about the dangers of medications especially. SSRI drugs and the newer classes of SSNRI's. Only a well informed patient can make a well informed choice. There to date has been no long term studies on SSRI drugs used over the long term. Also many studies show that the SSRI drugs did a little better and sometimes worse in placebo trials.

3) After medication and CBT there are tools we all learn to deal with stressful situations such as deep breathing ect ect. At this point we are still left worrying more than the average person and just keeping it under control. I am more interested in why we are hyper-sensitive in the first place. An answer to that question could be very useful to people in the future who develop this problem.

4) People need to understand there is a range of panic attacks. Not all people with panic attacks fit in the same box. The easiest way to explain this is with seizures. Anyone can have a seizure be it from overdose, a hit to the head etc. Once the issue is removed, in this case being the medication we would not have a seizure again because the offending problem was removed. Now there are people with epilepsy. They have seizures for a completely different reason.

Keeping it in that context I would like people to understand that some people may develop panic disorder because of a very stressful time in their life once that problem is removed the panic attacks can be dealt with. Other people started having panic attacks for no reason. In many cases people can be helped. Especially to deal with the feelings of panic attacks and helped to stop the escalation once one starts. However there are some people where no matter how much CBT you do and no matter how many medications you take the high anxiety level remains. This is what is of great interest to me.

I have had people contact me who have done CBT and are currently on 7 different medications and they are still suffering. I have also had people who stopped medication and force themselves to go to work or live their life in general, but are still suffering.

For example I would get a job and go everyday, every month I would go and get my hair cut, I would go shopping when I needed food. At no point did I become "cured". Did I learn to deal with the feelings and not be scared of them? Sure. For that I am grateful. However what never went away and what indeed does not go away for a large part of people is they still experience having unrealistic body responses in normal everyday situations.

5) Truthful information given to people with panic attacks. Usually they are told no matter how bad the panic attack is it impossible to faint. This is not the case and many people with panic attacks have fainted during one. I feel it is best to inform them that though it usually doesn't happen it could. This way if that should happen to a person having a panic attack they do not completely flip out thinking they are worse off than someone else and becoming more frightened.

People are also told. You won't throw up during a panic attack you will just feel like you will. This is not true and I know that first hand. I throw up during most of my panic attack as well as when I am nervous in general. Throwing up does not scare me however I think you would agree it would be inconvenient to throw up while a dentist is working in my mouth or in isle 4 in the supermarket.

That phobias or feelings have never killed anyone. Well that also is not the truth. Though rare there has been 23 documented deaths due to blood/needle phobia. They died from cardiovascular collapse. This however is rare like I said. However when medical professionals are dealing with a blood/needle phobic (which is considered currently as genetic) they should have a crash cart and also a place for the person to lay down when blood is drawn.

Personally I have this phobia and I can not tell you how many places I have called that have no place for you to lay down. They all just have chairs to sit in.

6) Medicaid for people suffering with panic attacks and/or agoraphobia if they do not have health insurance. Without that getting the help they need to help control the panic attacks can become a challenge. For example I do not have health insurance and have been denied medicaid as well as other programs New York State offers. So every week I see a student in training. That is all I can afford. Calling around to doctors that treat this condition might have a sliding fee. If there normal fee is $120 for an hour they are willing to sometimes go to $70. That still comes out to $280 a month. Many people just do not have that kind of money.

7) The lack of knowledge in addiction recovery centers for people who became addicted to drugs or alcohol because that is the only way they knew how to control the anxiety at that point in time in their life. Many recovery centers place everyone is the same box, an "addict". Just like there are different people with levels of panic disorder there are different kinds of addicts.

From personal experience in an alcohol rehab program I was told all my anxiety was from drinking. However they never understood that the anxiety was there in high levels before I ever drank. I was self-medicating. This was not understood in the least and I was just told I could take paxil or zoloft. This of course right after they said "A drug is a drug is a drug." Rehab staff as well and many people involved in government think it can all be fixed with a pill. This is not the case in many peoples lives. Also because of side effects some people can not tolerate the drug itself and feel worse than they did having the panic attacks.

I was also told I would never be able to stop drinking without "them" or without A.A. Try getting an agoraphobic to an A.A. meeting where they have to talk and share. Especially as the anxiety is now climbing because for years you dulled it down with alcohol.

Again it was a lie. A.A. is a good program and has helped countless people. It was not for me and I was made to feel I could never stop drinking on my own. I did stop on my own and I am very thankful and proud of that. Especially since I was told it was impossible.

8) Diet can and does play a role in peoples lives. Not only for physical health, but in some people their mental health. I feel that should be looked into more.

9) That men who have this disorder are treated with respect and not considered weak or as other men put it to each other "stop acting like a girl." This behavior is unacceptable especially coming from a doctor, nurse or any medical professional. Our medical system needs a major overhaul and the professionals need more classes or refresher courses in compassion. In all disease the person is not a number and not their health insurance plan, but a person who has real feelings, a real life and real people who love them.

Brian :-)