Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The love of my life

You are the love of my life and you are leaving me. I am not perfect, but I love you so much. I have been in so much pain these past few weeks. We had to change all the utilities into my name and go down to the rental office to get your name off the lease. Each step of this process has been killing me.

I have been with you for 5 years and I have no real friends and because of my illness no job. But I try my best to make up for that by cleaning your clothes and supporting you in any choice you make. Even the choice to leave me. I have even told you safe areas of the city to live because I don't want to see you get hurt.

My parents pay for my bills, they have always helped me money wise. They have never really helped me emotionally and even when it comes to us breaking up to them it is not a big deal and I should be over it or not get so depressed. They are also old now....I won't have them much longer and no other family to speak of when they are gone.

To try to make myself feel better I have been going into chat rooms to make sure people still find me attractive because I am in my 30's. They do and that helps, but they aren't you. They will never be you.

I have been through breakups before so I know the pain will fade, but I am older, and not financially secure plus this time around I have no friends that I can cry on. Though some strangers have been nice to me online and said I could talk to them about it if I need and even gave me their number...I just can't break down and be open with someone I just met.

I can't eat, days are just running together. Tonight I woke up before you got home and it was so quiet. Soon you will have your own place and that is all it will be here....quiet.

And the stupidest thing of all is who will I watch our favorite tv shows with? We have such a private and personal humor between us....and now it's just gone.

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