Friday, December 19, 2008

One Of Many Reasons I Fear Vaccines

Also a very good book is "Dr. Mary's Monkey" by by Edward T. Haslam

The Book Can Be Found On Amazon.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Feeling Blah

I am not really feeling that well today. I got ready to go to the supermarket and started to feel sick to my stomach, but not from anxiety. I drank some juice before I went to see if it would help. I took my xanax around 11:30am anyway so I definitely was not nervous. That unpleasant issue I talked about before with the pale stools (by pale I mean gray) have been still happening on and off for the past year, but the tests were all normal so who knows what my issue is. My liver levels were fine and the ultrasound of my liver, pancreas and gallbladder were all normal. Which is no surprise, I tend to always have normal results for medical tests. Outside of the anxiety no one can really explain why I get days were I get very ill and just have to wait till it passes.

I went to the store and picked up several TV dinners because I really was not feeling all that well so I didn't feel like shopping, but did need to buy food. I noticed in my car mirror before I went into the store that I was getting pale.

While in line at the store this woman in front of me was telling the cashier that she is retired and decided not to move to Virginia because if she did the government would cut her retirement check because the government says it is cheaper for her to live in Virginia than it is to live in New York. Which she said was a crock so she is just going to stay here so her check isn't cut. I didn't know retirement was based on the state you live in so that sucks.

When I got home I made a TV dinner and took a multi-vitamin. Still feeling ill about an hour later I took a pepcid. So now I am just laying here watching TV. For those of you who watch me on I just put the cam in the bedroom, but have the sound still on the TV. I just don't feel well enough to be on cam right now, but I might be fine later. I hope I am not getting a stomach virus that would suck and I feel like I am going to barf...and not for my usual reasons hehe.

My parents still don't have power at their house that they lost during the ice storm, so they are still at the hotel. They told me they booked the room till Tuesday of this week. They have to go back to their house twice a day to give the cat his shot. Their cat has diabetes and needs insulin.

So for now I am just going to rest and watch TV. I just hope I feel better later. I hate feeling sick. Oh and I am going to stop chain smoking. That is my first step towards quitting...not that I feel like smoking right now anyway I feel to blah.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Social Skills

I have met a few people recently in real life. I was quick to discover that after years of being in a relationship which I isolated myself in and also lost myself in the world of the internet I have lost most social skills. Maybe I lost them long before that. See when I use to meet people or hang out with them I would just drink beer. That always got me through. Alcohol has a way of making the world more interesting, time speeds up and most of the time, if you consume enough you are at peace with yourself. Now I not only was in isolation for 5 years with my main communication being the computer, but now I also no longer drink. So I have lost what little tools I had or at least forgot for right now.

On the internet when someone is talking to you and asks a question you can pause to think or just not answer. There is that little "X" in the corner of the chat box and you can close the unwanted people out. You can delay talking to them and if you don't feel like talking at all you can just logout. In the real world I can't "X" anyone out. I think that is why I have a hard time with the phone as well. I really have nothing to talk about and when I run out of things to say there is just silence, but the line is still open.

The two people I did meet recently were both very nice though and I was not nervous meeting them, maybe just normal jitters that anyone gets meeting someone for the first time. I also made no plans to meet them till the last minute or a few hours at the most. I had no time to really think about it. I made small talk with both and have been actively chatting with one online and will most likely hang out again. I have a few other people I will be seeing soon as well I am sure.

I find it hard with new people because I hate explaining who I am and the reasons why I avoid the things I do. Some people of course think they can "fix" me if I was just with them enough and that could not be further from the truth. It is also not anything new to me. People always, with the best of intentions think they can "fix" me. Thing is I don't always feel "broken", I am just different. I am the first to realize that if it was not for all the struggles I have been through and the anxiety I have for no reason at all, that I just wouldn't be me. If I never had this "problem" I would never have had the time to look into certain subjects, nor had the time to learn all the things I have. I think I view people in a different light than most. I almost prefer the ones that are "broken". Broken people are usually the most interesting. Their belief systems can range from semi-normal to the UFO's will be returning next week with the federation of light. They seem to be more compassionate and many times well rounded people.

I think maybe I would like around ten percent of the population. The rest is just noise. The problem is they are so damn hard to find and spread out all over the globe. When if comes to them there is no age, they are all ages. They are the 18 year old who suddenly can't relate to his peers and sits with a 40 year old man because they both have something in common, usually it is questions like who are we really? why are we here? They can't care about or think about what the general population does. I call them the viewers. We watch the world go by. We know we are part of a giant game and watch the people who still have no idea they are even in a game. They are so tightly wrapped in it that if you even dared tell them they would think you were crazy and in need of medication or they would fall apart. Some people need the game.

I love my parents dearly, but they need the game, esp my mother. For me I know it is all a game, but I have a hard time letting go of it. I also have moments when I wish I did not know the things I do or at least did not have the perspective I do, then I could be lost in the game and never know it.

OK so back to my lack of social skills. I am going to have to build that back up, but at the same time find people I can actually talk to about more than surface issues. Thankfully there are some people in my life that I can.

When I was in high school I use to skip classes and go to Burger King with my friends, but other times they would go off without me and I would be in the library. I was always looking for something. Not really and answer, but an what I have no idea. I assume I will be looking till I die. I also assume if I find it I would know it. This journey of looking has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I understand things so much better or at least I understand people better and because of that most people scare the hell out of me. The curse is I am limited on who I can talk to about it. A therapist asked me once "Who is Brian?" the honest answer is I don't know. I heard an answer once form someone, maybe it was Deepak Chopra (who I don't follow) that said "I'm an astounding, lucid confusion. I'm your own voice, echoing off the walls of God."

Monday, December 8, 2008

Justin TV Update

I have set my room from 18+ to general (I am trying it out and seeing how it goes). So now I will be listed on the channel listing page. I have had to ban some words since now it is a "family friendly" chat. I am sure as time goes on I will see more words that I need to add to the banned list.

I am also going to have to give some people moderator status since I am not in that room 24/7. I don't want the moderators to perm ban anyone just give them 10 min time outs. If someone is causing a major issue email me on with their screen name and what they said and I will add them to the ban list.

Because now everyone can see when I am online expect to see some hateful comments directed at me or the room. I have been doing stuff on the internet for years so believe me it does not bother me in the least. Don't let immature people bother you either. If you click on their name there is an ignore button and you will never see anything they type again. It is that easy :-) Try not to engage them in a fight it only will feed the troll. :-)

For people who are reading this blog and have no idea what I am talking about. My address where I lifecast is

UPDATE Took My Mom To The Hospital

I just wanted to let everyone know my mom is ok. Some people have been emailing me asking and I apologize it took me so long to put an update up to this. It turns out it was just a reaction to the antibiotic she was on and so they changed her medication. She rested up the next day and is now back to normal.

This all started because she had a kidney infection and was given Cipro. Her second pill caused bad pain in her chest/stomach area. Because of the location on the pain, her doctor wanted her to go to the hospital. The hospital did blood work and an EKG to rule out heart attack and did a CT scan of her Aorta, digestive track and kidneys. They did the kidney CT to rule out a kidney stone that may have gotten stuck, since that could also be the cause of the pain. Turns out the Cipro caused most of her digestive track to just flare up really bad. So they changed her pill.

I will try to write more later, but just wanted to let everyone know she was fine and doing well. Thank you all for asking.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Took My Mom To The Hospital

So for the past couple of days I have continued to clean my apartment. Today I took a break from cleaning because my hands have started to become chapped. So I have just been putting lotion on them. Once they clear up I will get back to cleaning. The apartment is about 80% clean so I am almost done.

Since I could not clean up today I decided to do some laundry over at my parents house. My mom has today off from work. She went to the doctors yesterday and they think she has a kidney infection. So they put her on an antibiotic. While I was there cleaning she told me that she thought the pill was making her sick. She had thrown up earlier and had bad stomach pain. She is on several other medications so I asked her if she asked the pharmacist if the new drug would interact with her other pills. She said the nurse said they wouldn't, but she never asked the pharmacist.

While I was there she threw up again and her pain in her stomach got worse. So she called her doctor and he called back about 20 minutes later and told her to go to the ER and have an xray of the digestive track. I have no clue how they do an x-ray of the stomach area. So I am thinking he meant an upper GI or a CT scan. So she called my father and I drove here to the hospital. My father met us there. She is still there and I am just waiting to hear word from my father so I know what is going on.

A few months back my mother passed out and I took her to the ER so this is the second time in the past few months I have taken her to the hospital. Hopefully the antibiotic just really irritated her stomach and it is nothing else. They didn't know why she had fainted a few months back either.

I have been trying to make myself go out once a day at least. I have been to hannaford supermarket almost everyday this week. I don't stay long of course, but I have been going. The other day my computer had an issue so I ended up having to go to walmart. They did not have what I needed for my computer so then I had to go over to circuit city. It was more expensive than I had hoped and the stuff I needed came to $133. So I put it on my credit card. I then came home and rolled all the quarters I had and brought them over to my parents house since they are taking care of my credit card right now. I only had $46 dollars in quarters though. I have a bag of dimes and told them I would roll them up and bring those over too.

The problem is I am working with dying computers so hopefully at some point some how I can get a new desktop. I need a new laptop as well, but the desktop is way more important. I am also having issues with my DSL. It is going to slow so I am having issues with using Justin TV. I don't talk on the mic anymore because the lag is sometimes over a minute.

I think after xmas I will call time warner and get a cable modem with digital phone. Then my cable, cable modem and digital phone will be part of a package deal and I will save money by dropping verizon. The only down side to getting the cable modem is this is a very old building and they will have to drill a hole in the wall to install the cable modem. I only have one cable outlet and that is in the living room. The complex I live in has a deal with time warner though so they have no issue with them having to drill a hole. It is just I will feel nervous while the guy is here and the longer he is here to more nervous I will feel. It will be worth it though to have faster internet.

So hopefully my mom is ok. If I thought it was anything major I would have stayed. I have major issues with hospitals and since they were going to draw blood I couldn't be in there with her. I also get really nervous sitting in the wait rooms. I also start to worry about that super bug found in hospitals called MRSA and the flesh eating bacteria. They are becoming more common in NY and CA.

If you have never heard of MRSA you can find out more information by watching the video below.

as always if the video stops working email me so I can update it.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Moving on....slowly

The other day I was able to get all the trash out of the apartment. Yesterday I moved my bed from the other bedroom to the one that has the computers in it. I just couldn't sleep in that other room anymore. Plus if someday I do end up getting a roommate I want this room because it is larger and has the internet connection.

I am actually in the process of changing most of the apartment around and right now it is a disaster because I can only do so much at a time. I still feel very wore out and every morning when I wake up I start getting heart palpitations for awhile. Then several hours later I feel better and start to clean.

I knew my apartment was a mess, but until I started moving things around I had no idea how much crap was just laying around. I think the three years we lived here we vacuumed two or three times. The last room I am going to clean is the bathroom. I feel ill cleaning bathrooms so I am putting it off.

I went to bed about 7:30pm last night and slept till 4am. So that is pretty decent. Though right now I don't feel like I slept at all.

Yesterday I also went to the corner store to get cigarettes and some food items. I was not ready to go into the supermarket with the way I was feeling. I also had not been outside since my xbf left. I have been eating more, which is good. This whole ordeal has taken a tremendous toll on my body and I will just be happy when I get back to my normal abnormal self.

I think over all I am doing pretty well for someone who was dumped after 5 years, has all the issues I have and living alone.

I tried to stop smoking, but it was too soon and the last thing I want to do is drive myself nuts, so I am holding off on that for a short while.

Yesterday we had some freezing rain here, but thankfully it turned to rain later so I think it is all melted now. I will know as soon as the sun comes up. I have such simple goals that to a normal person would seem stupid. Like today the goals are to clean more and go to the mail box on the corner to mail a few items out.

On a completely different note, if any of you have HBO, Big Love and True Blood are very good shows. You can catch up on them if you have HBO on demand. That and I saw a video yesterday on youtube that made me laugh only because it is so demented.

Warning on the youtube video though, it is not work friendly or child friendly. So I am just going to put the link and not embed it.