I have met a few people recently in real life. I was quick to discover that after years of being in a relationship which I isolated myself in and also lost myself in the world of the internet I have lost most social skills. Maybe I lost them long before that. See when I use to meet people or hang out with them I would just drink beer. That always got me through. Alcohol has a way of making the world more interesting, time speeds up and most of the time, if you consume enough you are at peace with yourself. Now I not only was in isolation for 5 years with my main communication being the computer, but now I also no longer drink. So I have lost what little tools I had or at least forgot for right now.
On the internet when someone is talking to you and asks a question you can pause to think or just not answer. There is that little "X" in the corner of the chat box and you can close the unwanted people out. You can delay talking to them and if you don't feel like talking at all you can just logout. In the real world I can't "X" anyone out. I think that is why I have a hard time with the phone as well. I really have nothing to talk about and when I run out of things to say there is just silence, but the line is still open.
The two people I did meet recently were both very nice though and I was not nervous meeting them, maybe just normal jitters that anyone gets meeting someone for the first time. I also made no plans to meet them till the last minute or a few hours at the most. I had no time to really think about it. I made small talk with both and have been actively chatting with one online and will most likely hang out again. I have a few other people I will be seeing soon as well I am sure.
I find it hard with new people because I hate explaining who I am and the reasons why I avoid the things I do. Some people of course think they can "fix" me if I was just with them enough and that could not be further from the truth. It is also not anything new to me. People always, with the best of intentions think they can "fix" me. Thing is I don't always feel "broken", I am just different. I am the first to realize that if it was not for all the struggles I have been through and the anxiety I have for no reason at all, that I just wouldn't be me. If I never had this "problem" I would never have had the time to look into certain subjects, nor had the time to learn all the things I have. I think I view people in a different light than most. I almost prefer the ones that are "broken". Broken people are usually the most interesting. Their belief systems can range from semi-normal to the UFO's will be returning next week with the federation of light. They seem to be more compassionate and many times well rounded people.
I think maybe I would like around ten percent of the population. The rest is just noise. The problem is they are so damn hard to find and spread out all over the globe. When if comes to them there is no age, they are all ages. They are the 18 year old who suddenly can't relate to his peers and sits with a 40 year old man because they both have something in common, usually it is questions like who are we really? why are we here? They can't care about or think about what the general population does. I call them the viewers. We watch the world go by. We know we are part of a giant game and watch the people who still have no idea they are even in a game. They are so tightly wrapped in it that if you even dared tell them they would think you were crazy and in need of medication or they would fall apart. Some people need the game.
I love my parents dearly, but they need the game, esp my mother. For me I know it is all a game, but I have a hard time letting go of it. I also have moments when I wish I did not know the things I do or at least did not have the perspective I do, then I could be lost in the game and never know it.
OK so back to my lack of social skills. I am going to have to build that back up, but at the same time find people I can actually talk to about more than surface issues. Thankfully there are some people in my life that I can.
When I was in high school I use to skip classes and go to Burger King with my friends, but other times they would go off without me and I would be in the library. I was always looking for something. Not really and answer, but an understanding....to what I have no idea. I assume I will be looking till I die. I also assume if I find it I would know it. This journey of looking has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I understand things so much better or at least I understand people better and because of that most people scare the hell out of me. The curse is I am limited on who I can talk to about it. A therapist asked me once "Who is Brian?" the honest answer is I don't know. I heard an answer once form someone, maybe it was Deepak Chopra (who I don't follow) that said "I'm an astounding, lucid confusion. I'm your own voice, echoing off the walls of God."