Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Podcast or Something

I have spent the past two days sick to my stomach. I think I have some stomach bug that has been going around. It seems to be passing though. I did live mostly on liquids during it....ahhh memories of earlier this year when I had to live on liquids for months.

The downside to being sick is I have not been able to exercise for two days and if I miss tomorrow that will be 3 days...not good. I actually miss exercising, isn't that weird? Either way if I eat enough tomorrow I will be exercising.

So, over the past few days I have been considering doing a podcast type thing...a podcast, but not a podcast. Basically, I find that many people don't read, so lots of people never get into this blog. I have videos up on youtube, but guess what? I don't really feel comfortable being on video's just not my least right now. So I figure audio might be the way to go.

I will still be doing the blog and of course videos, but to be honest I have so much to say recording it might be a good idea for me.

This is my plan. I have a Vonage phone, when a voice mail is left on it, it gets emailed to me as an audio file. I think my phone allows 10 minute voice mails, so that would work out well. Then I could just upload those audio files to a second Youtube account and a free podcast company... maybe.

If of course the voice mail thing does not work out, I guess I will have to sit in my chair and record it with my computer mic which would be boring. I want to be able to move around, talk while I walk on my treadmill or while I cook.

This blog and my videos have been so honest, but I really want to make these audio recordings super honest, my thoughts on a variety of things, my spiritual ideas, foods I eat, more into my past, basically everything. The fear in doing this is I will piss people off who do not share my views or people will see me for the nutjob I really am hehe. I mean seriously I think and do messed up stuff...and for the first time I would not be censoring myself. Trust me I heavily censor myself.

I don't think at first I will even post a link to these "podcasts". I will however mention my blog and videos in the podcast leading people here, then after I see how it goes post a link on this blog to the audio files. I don't even think anyone will be able to listen to them all, because in part some of the reason I am doing this is because I have so much to say and no one in real life to tell it too, or anyone in real life who cares enough to listen to it. At least online some people see, read or hear some of it or at least enough to understand. Though I must admit I find it frustrating when someone asks me a question I have already covered several times about my life, but hey it is what it is.

Someone online asked me once why I do this, meaning put my life out there like this exposing private things and thoughts. There are two answers. One is to help others not feel alone in their suffering, feelings or thoughts and the other more selfish reason is because I am here on this Earth and I want (maybe need) to be heard. Growing up I always felt I had so much to say and teach. I have had some very hard things happen in my life and I need to believe it had a purpose, that everything I have experienced and thought is meant for me to share with others. I also do not believe I will be on this Earth long (would be nice if I was wrong), so I want to say as much as possible while I still can. Maybe there is a third reason. I could be looking for the human connection that I always seek and have yet to find.

I get so many interesting emails. Most of them are from very kind people, trying to find their way in life..they share their stories and experiences with me and that is cool. Others ask questions, have suggestions (some of which they might wonder why I don't take me I have my reasons.) and some emails are from completely loony, out there people who scare me a little, but an amusing kind of scary.

Well anyway that is the ideas I am toying around with right now. I will be sure to update you with how it goes.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Angry at myself

I am so angry at myself sometimes. I know I can't change the past, but why the hell did I abuse my body the way I have over the years. I wish I never drank or smoked. I should have been exercising this whole time and why in the past did I eat all those TV dinners and fast food??

It is weird because sometimes I feel out of breath while eating and for a little while after eating, yet on my treadmill I don't feel out of breath. Also when I stand up from my computer chair to walk to the kitchen or where ever my heart pounds in my chest for a minute and sometimes with that I feel a little out of breath, then it is normal again. I also seem to get out of breath while doing simple things like the dishes. I am not gasping for air by any means just out of breath and a tension in my chest sometimes. It also pisses me off that my heart can race from slight movement...often while laying in bed just the act if rolling over can make my heart speed up quite a bit for about 30 seconds...that is another thing..I can feel my heart beat way to much...I find it annoying.

It has been a month since I quit smoking and I have been doing the treadmill almost everyday for 3 weeks now. I also lift a 10 pound weight and do push ups against the wall and just started doing sit ups.

I have these crying spells because to be honest I am scared about my health. I am so sick of feeling crap and when I ask people online if they feel this or that with their own body they always say " should see a doctor", well I have seen doctors as you all know if you have been following my blog this year. In fact I have yet another doctors appointment Nov 11th, so I can go complain about my out of breath feeling and how my hands turn a reddish/purple color when they are at my sides among other issues I am having.

The doctors have decided to stop my moms chemo for now. She was getting to sick from it and they need her strong so they can do the liver surgery. So for now she has no more chemo and then in 3 months they will do another CT scan and a PET scan. If she is strong enough by then they will do the surgery.

She has become very forgetful, even worse than she was before. My father never says much to me, which again if you have been following my blog this year you are aware of that situation. I am really alone in all this and I do not deal well with this type of stuff to begin with. On the bright side I am eating well. I changed by whole diet back to the healthy one I was on before the xanax withdrawal. I have been going to the supermarket almost daily, granted it is at night, but I still go. Sometimes I drive my boyfriend to work too when I feel well enough just to get out of the house.

I can't remember where on my blog recently someone asked me if I have tried Zoloft. No I haven't and unless I am on my death bed there will be no more anti anxiety or anti depressant drugs going into my body. I have been damaged enough. I do not feel these drugs are safe for anyone period (short of major mental illness, where you are a danger to yourself or others). I have experienced and seen too much. That comment of course will get me emails telling me how you have been helped, to which I say, good and heres hoping to you not getting some brain disorder or sudden cardiac death 5 years from now, that a doctor will just tell you or your family that it wasn't the pill/pills and these things just happen.

That is another thing about me that has to change. I tend to tread lightly on certain topics because I want all to be happy. I have learned as soon as you have an opinion half the world hates you, but seriously what use am I to anyone if I am wishy washy on my personal stance on certain topics.

Besides I am like the TV or radio...if you don't like what I have to say you can click the "X" on the upper left hand corner and I go away forever hehe.

I hope all of you are doing well in your lives.