Sunday, October 18, 2009

Angry at myself

I am so angry at myself sometimes. I know I can't change the past, but why the hell did I abuse my body the way I have over the years. I wish I never drank or smoked. I should have been exercising this whole time and why in the past did I eat all those TV dinners and fast food??

It is weird because sometimes I feel out of breath while eating and for a little while after eating, yet on my treadmill I don't feel out of breath. Also when I stand up from my computer chair to walk to the kitchen or where ever my heart pounds in my chest for a minute and sometimes with that I feel a little out of breath, then it is normal again. I also seem to get out of breath while doing simple things like the dishes. I am not gasping for air by any means just out of breath and a tension in my chest sometimes. It also pisses me off that my heart can race from slight movement...often while laying in bed just the act if rolling over can make my heart speed up quite a bit for about 30 seconds...that is another thing..I can feel my heart beat way to much...I find it annoying.

It has been a month since I quit smoking and I have been doing the treadmill almost everyday for 3 weeks now. I also lift a 10 pound weight and do push ups against the wall and just started doing sit ups.

I have these crying spells because to be honest I am scared about my health. I am so sick of feeling crap and when I ask people online if they feel this or that with their own body they always say " should see a doctor", well I have seen doctors as you all know if you have been following my blog this year. In fact I have yet another doctors appointment Nov 11th, so I can go complain about my out of breath feeling and how my hands turn a reddish/purple color when they are at my sides among other issues I am having.

The doctors have decided to stop my moms chemo for now. She was getting to sick from it and they need her strong so they can do the liver surgery. So for now she has no more chemo and then in 3 months they will do another CT scan and a PET scan. If she is strong enough by then they will do the surgery.

She has become very forgetful, even worse than she was before. My father never says much to me, which again if you have been following my blog this year you are aware of that situation. I am really alone in all this and I do not deal well with this type of stuff to begin with. On the bright side I am eating well. I changed by whole diet back to the healthy one I was on before the xanax withdrawal. I have been going to the supermarket almost daily, granted it is at night, but I still go. Sometimes I drive my boyfriend to work too when I feel well enough just to get out of the house.

I can't remember where on my blog recently someone asked me if I have tried Zoloft. No I haven't and unless I am on my death bed there will be no more anti anxiety or anti depressant drugs going into my body. I have been damaged enough. I do not feel these drugs are safe for anyone period (short of major mental illness, where you are a danger to yourself or others). I have experienced and seen too much. That comment of course will get me emails telling me how you have been helped, to which I say, good and heres hoping to you not getting some brain disorder or sudden cardiac death 5 years from now, that a doctor will just tell you or your family that it wasn't the pill/pills and these things just happen.

That is another thing about me that has to change. I tend to tread lightly on certain topics because I want all to be happy. I have learned as soon as you have an opinion half the world hates you, but seriously what use am I to anyone if I am wishy washy on my personal stance on certain topics.

Besides I am like the TV or radio...if you don't like what I have to say you can click the "X" on the upper left hand corner and I go away forever hehe.

I hope all of you are doing well in your lives.


Anonymous said...

You are cute! and no doubted, loved by many. Have an awesome day Brian!!!

Wayne Masters said...

My sister was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, so I can relate to what your family is feeling with your Mom. Your Mom and family will be in my prayers.