Heart Tests

So I went and had the echo of my heart. The tech asked why I was having it done and I told her about my fast heart rate. Soon after she started the echo she kept going back to one spot and said "Sometimes the heart can beat fast when there is heart valve damage."

Now does that mean I have heart valve damage? Who knows, I wish she didn't say it though because that is what I am thinking about now. After I asked if I could just call for the results and she was frigidity and said "Well I think the cardiologist will want to see you, so be sure to call him today and make an appointment. Again this makes me think something is wrong. I didn't call today because by the time I got home it was 3:30pm and figured they would be closing at 4pm. So I will call in the morning and make an appointment that I can actually get too since I have to have my father take me and my mom only has certain days off and has her pre-op and surgery coming up. Hopefully I can get in and hopefully nothing is wrong with my heart.

Then after the echo I had them place the 24 hour monitor on me which I am wearing right now. I had one of these when I was 16 years old and I have to say the monitor use to be the size of a giant Walkman, now it is the size of a pager from 1995. It is so much lighter. I checked to see what my heart rate was a little while ago and it was 104, which isn't that bad compared to what it usually is.

When I first got there I was having such bad anxiety I had to go pee three times, threw cold water on my face once and kept pacing around like some mental patient. I started to cry once, but managed to hold it in.

After, my mom came over for an hour and a half and we talked and watched some TV. She told me that she is scared they will want her organs so she is not donating them for the surgery, but if something really happens my father has a form from her to let them take them. I told her that this is a lifetime movie in the making. My heart is failing and I will end up with her heart. She said "Oh God...now I don't want to have surgery." and laughed some.

Tomorrow at 3pm this monitor will be over and my father will come and pick it up and bring it back to the hospital for me.

I am going to try to find something solid to eat. I have no idea what I want, but I do feel like I can eat right now so I better do it while I can. I think I will have soup.

My mom has cancer and I am sick

I am going to keep this as short as possible, but there is a lot of information of what has been going on. I will just summarize as best I can.

Jan 21st-Feb 14th I tapered off xanax. My throat issue went away once the drug was stopped. However from the time of the tapper till now I have been unable to eat very much food. I throw up a lot and have dropped 17 lbs. This is from some sort of benzo withdrawal that the doctors refuse to recognize.

March 4th I was so ill and wanted relief I decided to try going on an anti-depressant. So I took 10 mg of paxil and several hours later fainted on the floor. I called my primary doctor and made and appointment for the next day. Later that night my heart rate started to climb and was at 140 beats a min so at 4:30am I had my parents take me to the ER. They did an EKG and told me to see my primary care doctor. I never took paxil after that day.

At 11:30am March 5th I saw my primary care doctor and he refused to listen to my heart and yelled about me being off xanax and said "so what you fainted who cares!" and yelled some more and this went on and on to long for me to type out maybe someday I will. He refuses to treat me so no primary care doctor.

Since March 4th My heart rate has been between 100-150 at rest (very rate will it go to normal), I have vomited, been jolted out of my sleep with anxiety attacks, I have major panic attacks and in a depression.

March 9th my mom had a colon scope done and was told she has colon cancer. She has surgery on April 22nd to remove the cancer and then they will stage the cancer to see if she needs chemo.

March 29th my heart rate was so high I went to a different ER where they did a ton of blood work, gave me an IV, chest xray and did an EKG. The blood work that came back quick was normal and I had a few tests that take longer so they said they would call me.

April 1st. I got close to fainting 2 times and my blood pressure went from high to low. I was so sick and shaky that I emailed Keith (my xbf) to tell him goodbye in case I died. Went back to the ER that night and they just did an EKG and said to follow up with my heart tests.

This Thursday April 9th I go in to have an Echo of my heart and a 24 hour monitor placed on it.

Today the hospital ER called me to tell me one of my tests came back positive for H. pylori the bacteria that causes peptic ulcers and now I have to see a doctor to get treatment for that. Most of the pills they use to treat that I can't even take. H. pylori also can lead to stomach cancer many years down the line if not treated. I might have to have a scope done of my stomach as well. I decided to put this off till after my moms surgery. So I assume I will try to make an appointment with a new primary care doctor around May 1st.

I have no health insurance so I am applying yet again for medicaid which I am always denied for.

In 4 months I have lost my 5 year relationship, Become very ill and my mother has cancer. I cry all the time and have so much anxiety (part of which was caused by that stupid pill)

I went emotionally numb for a few mins today. I couldn't feel anything..I felt dead. This is all really too much to handle. So this is why I have not been writing and there is so much more detail to all of this, but I just wanted to do a short update.

If you happen to be having your own problems with benzo withdrawal please see the following sites for information.


http://www.benzo.org.uk



http://www.benzowithdrawal.com

Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment

Non-invasive Targeted Radio-frequency Cancer Treatment







For more information go to http://www.kanziuscancerresearch.com

Taking a break from cam

I am taking a break from cam on justin.tv for at least a week. I have been very slowly tapering off xanax and I am sick from it. I don't feel like being on cam and my sleep is all messed up still, so I just need some time to get through this.

Sometimes I feel completely fine, but other times I feel so ill. I have been through something similar when I came off paxil....though xanax must be a much slower taper because it carries more dangerous withdrawal.

Don't worry about the taper because I am going slower with it than doctors say to.

This is why in many of my youtube videos and past writings I have told people to really look into all side effects and withdrawal effects of drugs prescribed by their doctors. Some people have less issue coming off than others. I happen to be one of those people that suffer a great deal coming off things.

For those of you who email me or instant message me I will be on and off AIM and I will write back at moments where I feel good. I am hoping this sickness does not last too long and I should be completely off xanax in 20 days or so.

About a month ago (and some of you know about this) I developed a thumping in my throat under my adams apple. Being scared the first thing I did was quit smoking. Stopping seemed to have no effect on it. I was not able to stay off cigarettes and returned to smoking. The thumping continued. The only thing that was different in my life besides the stress of my break up was that I had increased my xanax intake soon after my xbf broke up with me. (Keep in mind the increase was still less than what the doctor wanted me to be taking per day.)

I was taking xanax every 8 hour, instead of every 12 hours like I use to. As I slowly started to taper off I noticed my throat was thumping less, then thumping at half the strength it was before. I am now back at every 12 hours and their is little to no thumping at all (so far). However I feel like complete crap and going to be holding the taper at every 12 hours for the next few days till my body adjusts. Then move to every 13hrs etc etc.

Here is the list of withdrawal effects I am experiencing:

Tingling arms and legs on and off.
Increased Anxiety.
No hunger.
Feeling like I am going to throw up, but I haven't yet.
Vivid dreams.
Insomnia (more than normal for me)
Moments that last a few second to a few mins where I feel like I am going to completely crack and lose my mind.
Waves of crying that come and go.
Feeling half dead.
Shaky.
Hot and cold flashes on and off.
Feeling feverish.

I have been on and off this pill since Nov of 2007 (mostly on), but thankfully I have been on a low dose. I feel for the people that have to come off high doses because I don't think I could do it. Many people have to go on an anti-depressant to get through it and for me I hope it does not come to that. In my life I am no stranger to withdrawal all I can say is it sucks beyond anything and for your own sake try not to take medications or drugs that can cause this...it can be a living nightmare.

While on xanax I have had many "mystery illnesses" that for me could have been side effects from the drug itself. The longer you are on it the more your body adapts to it...people can even start to have withdrawal between doses because the body breaks it down faster after awhile.

I noticed when I was quitting smoking it was harder not to smoke soon after taking xanax, because it is almost like if you are a smoker and drink alcohol. The alcohol will make you crave more cigarettes. I believe xanax has helped with my lack of willpower over smoking so for now the quitting smoking will be moved to the back burner till I can get off this drug. I don't think at this point I will ever swallow this type of pill again. I rather deal with the panic attacks than this...at least they stop after 30 mins or so....this just goes on and on.

All I know at this point is I want my life back and not be "hooked" to anything. So if you are someone who prays all I want is for you to pray for my strength to get through this.

I will be in touch. If you email me and I don't answer right away don't worry I will as soon as I have the energy and the mental clarity to do it. I will be ok.

Because I was bored

Because I was bored the other night I decided to go on craigslist and post a fake post. I do this from time to time to entertain myself, sometimes I get tired of talking about myself on the blog. So maybe sometimes I will post my fake stories on here for your entertainment. Below is my post and the replies are under it:



"I have been sitting here wondering all night what I should do. I was on welfare for years and finally got myself off last year by becoming a stripped at a local club.

Most the girls there are on drugs, but I only dabble in them....pretty much stayed clean. I have a long term bf and he knows about my job and he doesn't care because he stays at home with my 4 kids.

I get most of my money from private lap dances in the back room and though no sex officially goes on...of course we all know it does. That part I have kept from my bf.

A few months ago this guy laid down $1000 in twenty dollar bills if he could do me without a condom. I would have said no, but there was some extra bills I had to pay and I let him.

Well I am pregnant and my bf thinks it is his and it could be. This is not something I can really hide from him if it turns out not to be his kid because the man I slept with was black and my bf is white.

I am very pro-life and go to church every week so I can't bring myself to have an abortion I see that as a major sin. So even though this is rant and rave and you will all bash me....what would you do in my shoes??"



Below are some of the replies:


"Your boyfriend is an idiot, he stay at home and watches your four kids? Are these kids even his? Does he work? Is he on welfare?

You are a horrible person. Not only are you carrying another mans child you may have also exposed your stupid boyfriend to a number of STDs when you f***ed this guy.

You are truly a whore.

1000$ dollars. What a waste.

If you have one good bone in your body you will tell your jerk off boyfriend what you did (he will most likely just brush it off, because where else is he going to find a busted stripper with four kids to cheat on him and pay the bills). You should also give your children up for adoption to spare them the embarrassment of growing up knowing their mom is a dirty whore.

Your story sickens me."



"The best thing you could do is leave your "long term" Bf. You dont love him or you wouldnt be spreading your legs for other men! No respect at all for your so called Bf! you sleep with guys not knowing what diseases they may have and then go and sleep with your bf and he as you say has no idea your a whore!! S*it you dont love yourself! You have no Respect for your body, No self esteem, No dignity or any decency. Your a cheap, Slut, Skank, Whore PROSTITUTE!.. Lets define prostitute in case your unsure of what the definition for prostitute means.----------S 230.00 Prostitution.
A person is guilty of prostitution when such person engages or agrees
or offers to engage in sexual conduct with another person in return for
a fee.
Prostitution is a class B Misdemeanor. Imagine that,, It's against the law!

Why do you want advice now? It does not appear that you have the knowledge and concept of right and wrong. My advice is you should tell your so called "long term boyfriend" the truth and be honest -- Something you havent been all along!! That men pay you money for you to sleep with them and that your a prostitute. Tell him a black man paid you $1,000 dollars to sleep with you for unprotected sex and now your pregnant and your not sure if the babys his kid or the black mans kid.---------- Nah, I dont think you can be honest and tell him the truth after all you kept this a secret from him so tells me you know exactly what you were doing and honesty dont mean anything to you in a relationship. You have no respect for your bf, Your not really in love with your bf or you wouldnt be spreading your legs for other men. Your bf must be two sandwiches short of a picnic if he cant tell your loose like a revolving door from all those men... Unless you were lose from the get go!! I'm willing to bet you;ll think of some lie or story to tell him.. Why be honest now?!?!"



"Idiot, she already said hubby knows it may not be his child.

Anyway, as a mother, I assume your recent actions are due to a need to take care of your children, not to fuel a raging crack addiction. I am a two time college graduate and recently have thought that I, too, should do something with my body to make some money to better support my little guy. Assuming I am correct, you need to either put this baby up for adopation or get an abortion. I know being a mother that the idea of an abortion is almost unthinkable, but you can't be out of work that long to take care of this child. My only question to you is, why didn't you take your 1,000 bucks go to ANY pharmacy and get the morning after pill? I know it currently costs 53$ but geeze you had a grand in your pocket. you could have tried to prevent this pregnancy, hell run in the bathroom and throw the film (birth control product) up your crotch befor work every night. I do not envy your plight, but I do understand (if my assumptions are indeed correct) that you were doing what you thought best at that moment. Be brave, and do what is right."



"I suggest contacting an adoption agency....there is a local one that is great (Friends in Adoption...Clifton Park & Vermont). You will have to come clean with the boyfriend & we can all assume that relationship is over. You need to start making good choices for yourself & kids, even if they aren't the easiest choices. Good luck!"


"How much for a BJ?"


"Why don't you try NOT being a stripper and a whore? Get off the ur fat ass (and the pole) and get a real job like the rest of us. Take care of your kids properly and take a shot at turning your life around. U might be surprised at what happens!"

New Blog Feature

There is a new blog feature I added. If you look to the upper right you will see a chat button. When it says "Send Email" I am offline and you can email me. When the button says "Call Now" I am available to talk on the phone and you will be connected to my home phone. I kept the price of the feature as low as possible, but phone calls to me will be 85 cents a minute.

But if your ever just want to chat and the "Call Now" button is on feel free to call.

My Father

I thought several days about writing this blog entry. It is personal and very exposing. Why I even keep and open diary online blog is beyond me. Maybe because I want to help others in the same situation. Maybe because I just want people to know. Maybe I have become too tired of holding in all the secrets that I do so I have let some leak out. Though most of them I will take to the grave.

I grew up in a not so emotionally well household. It was not the worst and compared to other stories I have heard about other peoples family's mine was a picnic. I can only write down things that I remember going through and my own life experiences. I am not looking for pity. I am simply just telling a story of me. Someday I might decide I am done with the blog and it will all go away. Though I have learned on the internet nothing ever really goes away.

I will leave my mother out of this story for the most part because although she has played a major role in shaping my life, not always for the good, I feel that she is more a victim of her own life and did the best she could and still does. I understand why she has made the choices she has made and though at times I wish she understood me more or would change I can accept her flaws because she does and has tried to change. Even if she never gets there I can at least know she tries in her way.

I assume my father is also a victim of his up bringing I mean isn't everyone? I know very little about my father. I could tell you very little about what his actually job is, his likes or dislikes. I know next to nothing about his childhood and when I have asked growing up he only said "I don't remember". I know very little of where he lived, what he did while he was in high school or college. Except that he ran track. I know that detail because once we went to a college reunion when I was a child and because in high school I was pretty much forced to join track because he had done it when he was in school.

He never says much of anything, no friends and just reads books. That much I know. I also know that he hardly throws out mail. At my parents house the whole basement is just pretty much boxes of mail. In one room down there the mail goes to the ceiling and their is only a little path from the door in that room that leads to the closet. The closet also filled with mail.

In the outside world my father is very quiet, but that is completely different than how he is at home. He yelled all the time when I was growing up. His anger has slowed down over the years, maybe from getting older or because I am not there. My mother says he yells less now, but she also says she has learned to ignore him. So maybe it just seems like less. Maybe she has mastered the art of avoiding his triggers.

Other than spanking and being hit a few times with a belt growing up he never beat me. To younger people that might sound awful in itself, but you have to remember this was and still is acceptable (in some family's) to do to punish a child. So for that I have no issue. Depending on if I deserved the spanking at times is debatable.

From here all I can do is tell random stories and comments made so you can get an over all picture of my childhood with him.

When my mother would take out pots and pans to cook, if one should slide out of the lower cabinet and hit the floor my father would come tearing up the basement stairs shouting "What broke!! What broke!!" To which my mother would say "Nothing it was just the pan I am making dinner." and he would then say something like "These cabinets are too cluttered!!" and then angrily start ripping the pans out of the cabinet onto the floor in a hast to reorganize them. Pretty much any noise would cause him to fly into his yelling rage. He came tearing up the basement stairs often or down stairs depending on where he was in the house.

When I would pour milk or anything into a glass he would stand over me or around me carefully watching, either saying nothing or telling me not to spill it. I remember being so nervous that sometimes I was pouring so carefully that the liquid would run down the side. That of course would cause him to go into a yelling fit.

There is this one time when I was 5 or 6 years old that I had a stomach virus. My mother had taken a part time job in the evenings at a gift shop so my father watched me at night. Having the stomach virus I accidentally messed myself. I was too scared to tell him. So I sat in it for hours, sitting on a pillow on the floor, coloring with a pencil in my coloring book till my mom got home.

We had went on a vacation to Delaware when I was about 8 years old. On the way back to NY I felt car sick, but my parents felt like eating in a restaurant. Soon after we ordered the food (it was an Italian restaurant) the smell of other peoples food was turning my stomach more. So I told my mom I was going to throw up. She told my father to take me to the bathroom. Half way to the bathroom in the restaurant I started to throw up, I cover my mouth to try to keep it in, but of course some came out. I got to the bathroom and vomited as my father spanked and yelled at me for getting sick.

I use to wet the bed almost every night till age 11. Looking back on it now I believe a lot of it had to do with stress living in that house. Every morning my mother would take my sheets off the bed and if possible would hide the fact that I wet the bed from my father so he would not fly into a yelling fit. When he did find out that I had, which was often he would yell at me about it, or sit there in his quiet anger stewing, but it was known that he was mad. He would tell me I was doing in on purpose and was just to lazy to get up to go and that the sheets would be hung on the clothes line so that all the neighbors would know that I was wetting the bed. Though he has never told me this, so I am not sure how true it is, my mother told me that when he was little he use to wet the bed. Sometimes my mom makes stuff up though so I don't know if it is true.

I was a very thin child almost too thin. When puberty hit I remember eating a lot more and he was mad one day about how much milk I had drank and that I was just being "a god damn pig." The amount of food I would go through would make him angry.

I use to play little league like many boys. I remember most the kids wanting their parents there when they played to watch them. I was relieved when mine weren't there. I think I played better when I was left alone. My father never told me good job or encouraged me. He only would tell me what I did wrong or say nothing at all. Sometimes even seeming burdened by the fact he had to take me. He never taught me how to play baseball my mother did. She got a few broken boards and cut an old pool hose to make me a baseball tee in the backyard. Later she would throw the ball to me so I could practice hitting. I only did little league for a few years. So scared of messing up I made sure I was as far out in outfield as I could be. Some days I was so stressed out about having to go I would fake being sick so my mother would keep me home.

My mom being a mom told me not to fight. My father in my opinion being my father should have taught me how to stand up for myself. Instead he would display great anger anytime I was mildly aggressive. In turn when I went to school I was the target of other children. I never fought back, I was scared of them and scared that if I fought back I would get hurt or in trouble at home. I never told my parents even to this day the extent of me being teased which ranged from me being tripped and hit by other kids to have a gun put to my head in a bathroom in middle school. The teasing for the most part stopped as soon as I got to high school. I started hanging out with the druggie, smoking, drinking crowd and that seemed to keep me safe.

At about age 14 we had a cordless phone and for those of you old enough to remember the antenna use to be metal and pulled open and closed. One day I was waiting for a friend to call me back. The antenna was mostly closed and I was watching TV. The phone was resting against my chin. My father came in the living room and started screaming to get the phone out of my mouth. Being a teenager I was getting tired of him. I told him it was not in my mouth and that sent him into a rage. He started screaming in my face over and over "Take the phone out of your mouth!" So close that his spit was landing on me as he yelled while he shook his fist in my face like he was going to punch me. He often would do that shaking his fist close to me. I remember saying "Hit me..stop threatening it and do it. But when you do hit me, I am going to hit you back, I am younger than you and I promise it will be a fight you will lose, then I will call the police and have you arrested followed by calling child protective services." He continued yelling and left the room. After that day he never shook his fist in my face again.

Growing up when I would go out to eat with both my parents I was constantly judged on how I ate. The most common theme was "Someday you will have a girlfriend and what will her parents think of how you eat?" Looking back I was eating normal, but how others viewed us was very important to them. When I got older and ate at a friends house it was very difficult for me to do. I would be told by other people "That is why you are so thin because you don't eat." They were wrong, I just couldn't eat much around them. I was basically choking the food down feeling judged with every bite. Later when I did have serious girlfriends I never once ate with their family. I just couldn't the anxiety was so high. Even with friends family's at this point I would go out to eat with them at a pizza place. Worried I would be judged for not eating enough and worried I would be judged for how I ate... I would eat two slices of pizza and feel so sick. I would go to the restaurant bathroom and throw up quickly then come back to the table to eat more so it would appear I ate a normal amount. Most of my friends parents were heavy set people so even then they ate way more then I ever could in one sitting.

When I was little I remember my parents having a big fight late one night and my mom came in my bedroom and said we are leaving and to collect the toys I wanted. I of course took my bear that would play music if you turned the key in his back. A few other toys and since I did not have enough room in the paper bag by mother had given me to pack in I took one piece of a puzzle I had to remember it by. I remember feeling scared that we were leaving, but even at that young age happy. I was scared as my mother and I walked the dark streets heading downtown in the cold. I can only assume we were walking to her friends house that she worked with back then because she was an older black woman who lived downtown. My father caught up in the car and kept yelling for my mother to get in the car and of course we did. Growing up most children fear that their parents would get divorced...I use to pray for it.

Before I could drive my father would sometimes drive me to the mall, usually with great annoyance that he had to take me. This was before the internet so again for those of you too young to remember the mall is where we hung out. This one time however I was just going by myself to buy clothes for school I assume. On the way up there he started screaming and yelling about something. What I can't remember, but most likely that he had to take me. I told him not to bother waiting for me I would take the bus home. I did not at that point want to be around him and he demanded I not take the bus home. I ran away from him in the parking lot of the mall and he chased me, but I was quick and got away. I got to a payphone in the mall and called my mother to tell her about what happened and she was mad that he was acting that way. I did not go home that night. I took the bus to a friends house and stayed there. My mother never learned to drive so it was only him that could take me places and he was always quick to tell me he was not a taxi service. For a reference point the mall was only a few miles from our house. I also hardly asked for a ride unless I needed to be picked up from a friends house after dark. Most of the time I did take the bus.

In my teenage years I had a best friend. His mother for some reason let me spend every weekend there. Our families knew each other from church. In the summer I just pretty much stayed there the whole time. I did not want to go home. I remember my mother having my father give my friends mother money since I was eating her food. I actually felt bad staying there so much and her kids were trouble makers so while she was at work I would clean her clothes and do all the dishes. I felt that if I earned my keep and was really nice she would let me keep staying. For the most part she did.

When I had lung surgery in the year 2000 I was not allowed to drive a car for months after if it had an airbag. My fathers car did not have the passenger side airbag so I was able to sit in the front seat. About a month after my surgery he was driving me home to my apartment where I lived with a friend of mine. As we were going down the highway he started yelling about something. Again I can't remember what it was...he usually yells about things that are so stupid they aren't worth remembering. I do know that at one point he was not paying attention and almost drove the car under a tracker trailer. So I yelled at him to pay attention. I told him I just had lung surgery will you please just stop (the pain at the time was still very real even with medication) and that is when he said "You probably faked that too." referring to my lung surgery which he was there for. I think I said something to the affect of yea all the doctors were in on it. I didn't speak to my parents for a few days and my mom must have had my sister call me because my sister and I never talk (she is my half sister from my moms first marriage). My sister said to me that they were getting older and that is just the way he is. I am lead back into things by guilt often so I resumed contact.

My father once accused me of hitting my mother. I told him "I never hit her." and he said "Oh yes you do..you just don't remember." I told her about that and she said "I don't know what the hell he is talking about."

There is so much more I could say and so many more stories to tell, but by now you get the idea. He still yells, but mostly at my mother. At times he will pick a fight with me and it causes flash backs of my childhood and how scared and helpless I felt. I could never stay mad at him long because my mother would always force me to hug him goodbye if I was angry with him or tell me how I can't stay mad at him .."because what if he was killed in a car crash while you were mad...you would never forgive yourself and have to live with that forever." Seems like I was always the one saying I was sorry or we acted as if nothing had taken place at all.

Because my father pays for me (esp. in recent years) because I am unable to hold a job I have had to keep in contact with him. I figured once I was older and out of the house that I myself could have a relationship with him. So I would email him things to look at or send him an email about something. He would read it and look, but never write back. He never calls me, but I would call him at work to talk to him or if my mom was busy when I called the house I would speak to him about myself because he never has any wisdom to share with me or any of his own stories to tell. Actually he will email me when they go on a trip, he will send me where they will be and what the train numbers are, if he thinks he is owed money he will send a bill to the penny, and he will forward pictures my sister sends him of my great nephew (which my mom tells him to do since she does not have an email account).

For many years I use to have nightmares about having to move back home or go home on holidays when I was at college. Even sometimes being in their house even now I can't breath. I started to realize last year that my attempts to have a relationship with him was one sided. He hands over money that is all. If he was poor and could not have helped me at all I doubt I would have kept contact as long as I have. But with taking money, comes guilt, it makes you feel like you owe someone. I have allowed him to yell and treat me at times harshly because I am in no situation at the current time to negotiate. Most people have no idea how hard it is when I have to ask for extra money. Last year after I had the flu I had to get an antibiotic. Thankfully the nurse I see is understanding and only charges me $20 for the visit. But medication is a different story. So the first round of pills I had to take when the flu passed was because I developed an infection in my lung (same one I had surgery on). They were only $45 dollars and generic so not to bad over all. However they did not work, so I had to return a week later to the doctors office and they had to give me an antibiotic that is not yet sold as a generic. (Thankfully this year it will be.) The pills were going to cost $220. The office checked to see if they had samples for me, but they didn't. So from the parking lot of the pharmacy I had to call my father and tell him how much they were. There was never any concern that I was sick. There never is. Just an angry sigh and a "FINE!! FINE!! JUST GET THEM!!". After awhile or maybe I am just sensitive, but I start to feel empty inside and vacant and guilty.

The other day my mother called me with him screaming and carrying on in the background about some collection agency that had called and said I owed $109 from 2005 for Readers Digest Magazine. He was shouting about how he now had to pay it. I told her I never even had that magazine. I also check my credit report every year and nothing from them is on the reports so I know damn well they don't have my social security number and just are tracking people by name. It is not like my name is completely uncommon in the city I live in. He then started to dictate in the background what I can and cannot do online, what I can order and what I can't. My mother was yelling back at him to stop and saying I said it is not mine and not to pay it. He continued shouting "NO!! NO!! I AM JUST GOING TO PAY IT!!" I hung up.

I had waited a week before I told my mother that I had quit smoking. I wanted to make sure it was more than a 48 hour deal. I was feeling better about it so when I went to visit her the day before I told her. She of course told my father as well. High stress situations is not something someone deals with best when they are quitting smoking, alcohol or any drug for that matter. From experience I know this.

Him screaming like that lit a rage inside me and so I called back. My mother answered and I said "Put him on the phone now." He came on yelling and so I was a lot louder to shut him up. I don't remember everything I said, but I know I told him if I find out he ever pays that bill to forget any form of relationship with me because I am tired of him bitching that he is an ATM machine and I would have to listen to his mouth about how he had to pay yet another bill (esp. since it was not even mine) that I would be the one to call them back and fix the situation. He started yelling again. I told him to "shut up, just shut up I am so tired of you, in case you had not realized dad we have a very fragile relationship...one that I hold together..I email you, you never write back, you never call me I only call you and I am sick of your bullshit..all you ever did my entire life is yell at me and made me a nervous wreck". I also said "You want to yell at someone yell at mom since she for some unknown reason has stayed with you all these years, but you are not going to yell at me anymore. I am an adult and you sure as hell are not going to dictate to me what I do and do not do." I doubt he even heard half of what I said because he kept interrupting yelling back and I had to keep saying "Shut Up!!". Eventually I hung up on him. I went to the store and got two chocolate milks and pork skins. I just needed to get out in the cold air.

When I got home my mother had called me so I called her back. She was mad at him for carrying on and in the bedroom staying away from him. I told her that I wanted a hand written letter of apology from him and for it to be mailed to me if he ever wanted me to speak to him again. That I was done. She refused to tell him that and said that no man would do that. My point in making him do that was two part at the time. 1) When I was 14 years old and threatened to call the police on him he stopped shaking his fist in my face so I thought making him do something like that would make him think twice about acting that way again towards me. 2) That I assume it would be very hard for him to do, after all he has never said he was sorry for anything. Maybe in anger I wanted him to feel as demoralized as he has in the past made me feel.

The phone conversation ended with my mother and I didn't know what to do with myself. Completely unprepared for that level of stress so soon after I quit smoking. I stuck a patch on and most of the day wore that. I could not shake the anger, the resurfacing memories of my childhood, the guilt and the anger at myself that I am stuck in a situation I do not want to be in. So while on camera I told everyone that I was going to the store to buy a candy bar. People who know we well online know damn well what I was doing, but were polite not to say anything. I bought a pack of cigarettes and started smoking. Then of course I was mad at myself.

That night I slept poorly and was not on cam much yesterday, having got so upset I couldn't really eat much food. Last night I put the patch back on determined I just had a misstep and I would just stop again. I slept 3 hours last night and have been up sense. I took the patch off and went to get cigarettes. I just can't stop at this moment in time, but I will again and hopefully very soon. I didn't even want to tell anyone that I smoked again because I am angry at myself for giving in to it.

This morning I told my mother that I was smoking again. She thinks that I shouldn't have smoked because of him and that I should have "rised above" and maybe I should have, but I couldn't. I was too angry and at that point I could have cared less about my own well being.

I have had a few days to think about it and I have decided I am done with my father (I will be decent acting when forced to be around him). I explained that to my mother on the phone and for now she agrees. I made it clear that it is not a passing phase. That a week from now I don't want her calling me saying "You should talk to him after all he is paying your bills." She claims she won't, but I know her and of course she will. She said "you can't change him" and I said "I know I can't, but I don't have to accept him anymore or condone his behavior, I am tired of a one sided relationship and feeling like crap about myself." I told her that "I love him because he is my father, but I don't respect him and he disappoints me." She agreed. So to answer that age old statement "What if something happens to him? You would never forgive yourself." Yes I would.

Kate Hudsons Dumb Ass Panic Attack Comment

Here is a recent video clip of Kate Hudson casually throwing around the words panic attack. I can't stand when people causally throw that term around because then when I and others who really have this problem tell people of our condition we are blown off. They have no clue what it is like to live with this and by some of the comments, which you will see below many people were not pleased.








Comments:

"Jagerdan420

Panic Attacks are serious matter, specially some one under stress and daily criticism, I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder and is nothing 2 laugh about, maybe years ago, when I didn't know and didn't have them, but now days my life and days are regulated by a pill that I call "Every six hours", it is horrible that ignorants out there can make fun or publish something so serious like a medical condition that diminish human balance and control."

"Emhorserider

Why do people in Hollywood laugh about Panic Attacks? Don't they know that there are people out there that have Anxiety Disorders and have panic attacks just about everyday? I have it and I have it so bad that I missed an entire year of high school because of it. They can put stars on there like 'oh gosh they had a panic attack we must tell everyone' what about the people like me? What do they do about them? People that have sometimes talked suicide. I would know because I have done that before. What about people that go to a therapist everyday because of it? Kate Hudson it is not a laughing matter. Real life and real people have this, it is a serious matter. Personal experience right here. So tell me why they don't put high school kids in the media because of panic attacks? Why wasn't I interviewed? Do you know why? Because the people in the real world are much lower on the status chain then stars. Come and here my story and then you would know how it feels. Listen to people with it."

"Cyncushinan

I usually don't waste time watching airheads like these two kids, but the "panic attack" title got my attention. Lo and behold (no surprise) Kate doesn't have a clue what a real panic attack is...nor does she care that she is disparaging literally millions of Americans (alone) who have this crippling disorder. I've had it for 30 years, and as you two seem to know, it is hell. Give me asthma, anything but cancer, but agoraphobia/panic attacks are nothing at all to joke about. I'm in the health care field...actually to help patients because I've been there....and sometimes you never truly get to leave. It's terrifying, more disabling and life-changing than diabetes (and similar as both come from chemical disorders in the brain)....however, because of very ignorant stigmas....you can tell everyone that you have diabetes. But for some reason, people are so uninformed and prejudiced about "mental issues", we don't tell. We need to teach them!"

"Jagerdan420

Well thanks Cyncushinan 4 you comment, very appropriate, maybe some one gets 2 see it and take some conditions that others get 2 ignore more seriously, and me as well would rather have anything but this, is a prison inside myself, a neurological condition that has ruined my life and has me reinventing myself every time I have a breakdown, hopefully what she had was stress related and not the real stuff, cuz as young as she is, it wont be pretty."

Smoking

I wanted to wait a week before I wrote about this, but on Jan. 2nd 2009 at 11:11am I finally quit smoking.

The first three days were the hardest. The withdrawal part is now over. The only issue I continue to have is the habit itself. For example when I first wake up in the morning or when I start my car I feel the need to light a cigarette. That feeling will pass in time.

One thing I do not have is the need to have something in my mouth. People keep saying stuff like carrot sticks, lollipops, etc etc... that is not helpful in my situation because it was never about an oral fixation with me...I just wanted the drug.

Here is how I quit. I decided while smoking a cigarette that morning that I really no longer wanted to be a smoker. I went to the pharmacy, bought a box of "step 2" patches (14 mg), came home, smoked one last cigarette and stuck a patch on.

I only used one patch to get me through the first 24 hours and went cold turkey after that.

One promise I am making to myself. I will never become one of those annoying ex-smokers that end up lecturing everyone about quitting.

So do I feel better? Well it has only been a week. So far I have noticed my morning breath is a lot better, my gums do not bleed as easily, my gums are also turning pink. I have also noticed that I am sleeping deeper.

Anyway I just wanted to write a short blog about that. :-)

One Of Many Reasons I Fear Vaccines

Also a very good book is "Dr. Mary's Monkey" by by Edward T. Haslam





The Book Can Be Found On Amazon.

Social Skills

I have met a few people recently in real life. I was quick to discover that after years of being in a relationship which I isolated myself in and also lost myself in the world of the internet I have lost most social skills. Maybe I lost them long before that. See when I use to meet people or hang out with them I would just drink beer. That always got me through. Alcohol has a way of making the world more interesting, time speeds up and most of the time, if you consume enough you are at peace with yourself. Now I not only was in isolation for 5 years with my main communication being the computer, but now I also no longer drink. So I have lost what little tools I had or at least forgot for right now.

On the internet when someone is talking to you and asks a question you can pause to think or just not answer. There is that little "X" in the corner of the chat box and you can close the unwanted people out. You can delay talking to them and if you don't feel like talking at all you can just logout. In the real world I can't "X" anyone out. I think that is why I have a hard time with the phone as well. I really have nothing to talk about and when I run out of things to say there is just silence, but the line is still open.

The two people I did meet recently were both very nice though and I was not nervous meeting them, maybe just normal jitters that anyone gets meeting someone for the first time. I also made no plans to meet them till the last minute or a few hours at the most. I had no time to really think about it. I made small talk with both and have been actively chatting with one online and will most likely hang out again. I have a few other people I will be seeing soon as well I am sure.

I find it hard with new people because I hate explaining who I am and the reasons why I avoid the things I do. Some people of course think they can "fix" me if I was just with them enough and that could not be further from the truth. It is also not anything new to me. People always, with the best of intentions think they can "fix" me. Thing is I don't always feel "broken", I am just different. I am the first to realize that if it was not for all the struggles I have been through and the anxiety I have for no reason at all, that I just wouldn't be me. If I never had this "problem" I would never have had the time to look into certain subjects, nor had the time to learn all the things I have. I think I view people in a different light than most. I almost prefer the ones that are "broken". Broken people are usually the most interesting. Their belief systems can range from semi-normal to the UFO's will be returning next week with the federation of light. They seem to be more compassionate and many times well rounded people.

I think maybe I would like around ten percent of the population. The rest is just noise. The problem is they are so damn hard to find and spread out all over the globe. When if comes to them there is no age, they are all ages. They are the 18 year old who suddenly can't relate to his peers and sits with a 40 year old man because they both have something in common, usually it is questions like who are we really? why are we here? They can't care about or think about what the general population does. I call them the viewers. We watch the world go by. We know we are part of a giant game and watch the people who still have no idea they are even in a game. They are so tightly wrapped in it that if you even dared tell them they would think you were crazy and in need of medication or they would fall apart. Some people need the game.

I love my parents dearly, but they need the game, esp my mother. For me I know it is all a game, but I have a hard time letting go of it. I also have moments when I wish I did not know the things I do or at least did not have the perspective I do, then I could be lost in the game and never know it.

OK so back to my lack of social skills. I am going to have to build that back up, but at the same time find people I can actually talk to about more than surface issues. Thankfully there are some people in my life that I can.

When I was in high school I use to skip classes and go to Burger King with my friends, but other times they would go off without me and I would be in the library. I was always looking for something. Not really and answer, but an understanding....to what I have no idea. I assume I will be looking till I die. I also assume if I find it I would know it. This journey of looking has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I understand things so much better or at least I understand people better and because of that most people scare the hell out of me. The curse is I am limited on who I can talk to about it. A therapist asked me once "Who is Brian?" the honest answer is I don't know. I heard an answer once form someone, maybe it was Deepak Chopra (who I don't follow) that said "I'm an astounding, lucid confusion. I'm your own voice, echoing off the walls of God."

Agoraphobia A New Day

Justin TV Link: http://www.justin.tv/atomic811

Depression and Insomnia: All in the Gut?

I have been watching this guys videos for sometime and although I disagree at times with him on some issues he is well worth watching. Watch two of his videos and see what you think. If you like him, just click one of the videos and it will open up to youtube. Then you can subscribe to his videos. I have a great appreciation for anyone who is trying to help people and thinking outside of the box. He is one of the many I have admiration for.



















**note as always if a video no longer works please email me so I can remove it or replace it.

Olive Oil of Death

**This took place at 11:30pm Nov. 24th so it has been 24 hours...so far so good.**

So I go into the kitchen and take 2 tablespoons of olive oil and eat it. Putting the jar away I notice a black fungus/mold looking thing at the bottom..almost the shape of an earth worm. Looking closer it appears to have black spores in the jelly shaped object. It is not past its expiration date and the last bottle I had never did this. So then I am like what the hell?

So I try to find anything online that looks like it. They say it can get cloudy, but I looked at pictures and it is not that kind of cloudy, but a black cloudy worm shape.

I shook the bottle and it went away and then settled again. I threw it out. Then I took it out of the trash and put it in a plastic bag so I can sue the damn company if I get sick.

The only thing I can find related to olive oil is garlic in olive oil, which this is not. That food poisoning (olive oil w/ garlic) is Botulism. Oh how fun that would be. I would have to be put on a breathing machine and since it is so rare in the United States the hospital has to call the CDC and the antitoxin has to be flown in from Atlanta GA. Botulism can kill me or put me in Intensive Care.

And here is the kicker....it starts usually between 18-36 hours, but as soon as 6 hours and as late at 10 days. 10 DAYS!! Are you kidding me?? So I took 1000mg of vitamin C in hopes whatever the hell it was the acid from the C might kill some of it. If I still drank alcohol I would so be taking shots of vodka to try to kill it.

I am never buying that imported brand from Italy again. So do I feel simi sick to my stomach right now? Yup, but that most likely is 100% placebo effect. What I have to look for is double vision, muscle paralysis and drooping eye lids.

I just want to know what the hell it was..like am I going to be fine? Will I just get the runs? Or am I going to face multiple organ transplants and death? That would be fitting with everything going on in my life right now.

Now am I in a panic?. Not really. I almost don't care. I can at least say this is beyond my control and I cannot be blamed for it. Not that I want food poisoning.

For the record the oil I ate was clear, tasted fine and no bad smells either.

OK just had to share that and will be much happier after 36 hours and then even happier after 10 days.

The Anatomy of a Breakup

I had not ate very much food or slept very much for about two days from all the stress of the breakup. I had a therapy appointment on Nov. 18th at 3:00pm that I had to end up canceling because that was the day my xbf and I had to go down to the rental office to explain to them that he was moving out and I was going to assume the lease. He was suppose to come home from work to go down with me at 9:15am. I had been up all night and was just going to stay up till he got in, then take a quick nap before I had to get back up and see my therapist. 9:15am came and went and by 10:00am I fell asleep. He got home at 10:43am and I woke up and I was mad at his disregard that I had to be some place later and he knew I had been up all night. He didn't seem to care and we fought over that.

I told him to go down to the rental office alone and if they need me I will go down the next day and deal with it. I just needed sleep. I called the therapist office and canceled my appointment. I was just to tired to go or to drive. It was rescheduled for Nov. 20th at 1:00pm. The next morning (Nov 19th) I went down to the office around 1030am and did what I needed to do to assume the lease. I really did not sleep and cried most of the day.

My xbf when he first started looking for a place to live found a girl online who was looking for a roommate, but that did not work out so he started looking for his own apartment. He told me he thought it was for the best anyway because he needed to be alone and have his own space. We also had a talk a few days before that we would like to remain friends. Giving each other space at first, sending an email to each other a few times a week, not talking about anything personal, just how his job was going or talk about interesting news or youtube videos we saw. (We talked about the news a lot in our relationship). The goal was to keep it neutral nothing personal so no ones feelings would get hurt...mainly mine since I am the one who has issues with this breakup.

Nov. 20th at 1pm on very little sleep and hardly any solid food I went to my therapist appointment. We were talking about the breakup and I started to feel sort of faint. I mentioned to her I felt like I was going to pass out, but that I figured it was just anxiety. I continued to tell her about how everyone so far locally that I met online I would not want to be friends with and that they were either messes or we just are not compatible. She said "Everyone??" like a therapist does when you make a statement. I then felt like ice cold water was running down the insides of my upper arms and said "you know I really don't feel that well." and she asked if I wanted to leave and I said yea and that I was sorry. She said it was fine and that I just need to eat and asked if I would be ok getting home. I told her I would be. I really don't know if it was anxiety or lack of sleep and food or maybe all of it mixed.

When we got out to the waiting area she was writing an appointment card out for me to come back my usual time on Tuesday at 3pm. I had only been there for 20 mins. The ghetto girl at the desk started laughing and the girl next to her was trying to hold back from laughing. I am not the type of person to think that when someone is laughing it is about me. However I can tell when it is and it was because I just got there and now leaving so soon. I assume my therapist thought maybe the same because as she was writing my appointment card she said to the girl "Is everything ok?" and the girl did not respond. I left and drove home. I figured if I started to black out I would pull the car over. I got home fine and still felt crappy for a few hours and just drank some V8 juice.

That night my xbf came home and told me that he had maybe found a roommate. That he had emailed this guy back when he had emailed the girl who was looking for a roommate and that he had not replied because he was on vacation and just got back and got my xbf's email. He had went over and looked at the place and it was nice. Turns out the guy is a 33 year old professional and is gay too (he said he didn't know he was gay when he answered the ad). My stomach turned. I had just got use to and liked the idea of him living alone, but now he was moving in with a gay guy and it just cut so deep. So I cried for 2 hours till my brain adjusted itself or the xanax kicked in...whichever. My xbf gave me the intersection where the apartment was located, but there was no such intersection in Albany. I am from here so I figured he just had it wrong.

After he went to bed at random I just went on craigslist to see if I could find the ad and see where it was and maybe a picture of the apartment building. Turns out the ad was placed only 72 hours before. The day that my xbf told me he figured it would be best if he lived alone. The ad also states that the guy was gay. So he lied to me about the whole thing. I was pissed and hurt and went into the bedroom and told him I knew he was lying and then he got all mad because I was "spying on him". I believed everything he said I was just looking because there was no such intersection. I was not trying to catch him in a lie. So we fought over that and I ended up leaving and sitting in my car, smoking cigs for about half an hour till I felt relaxed enough to come back inside. Being agoraphobic it was weird. I no longer felt safe inside. It was like a reverse anxiety attack. I had to get outside into the cold air.

He told me that he was meeting this guy on Friday night at a restaurant. Which even if that is the truth I don't believe plus there is a gay bar right across the street. So Friday Nov. 21st he came home with a haircut and all new clothes from several different stores. Took a shower and took a taxi to go meet this guy. He left at 8pm and had told me the day before he would be back around 10:30pm however he got home about 1am.

I said nothing about the new clothes, the haircut or where he even went with his possible new gay "roommate". When he got home he stayed up for about 20 mins then told me he was going to bed. I said ok and since he did not tell me anything I asked if he was going to be moving in with that guy. He said "yea". I said "soon or around the 1st" and he said "next Sunday". The next morning "Sunday" has turned into "this Thursday" so I guess he will be leaving on Thanksgiving. I assume he will be coming and going for a few days so maybe he is moving Thursday-Sunday.

I don't think I have ever smoked so many cigarettes in my life. My weight has dropped. I am 148 lbs. Last year this time I was 165 lbs. My heart has been skipping so much, normally that would scare me, but so far I just don't care. I am sleeping ok it is just that I am sleeping all day and up all night. Yesterday I started eating again and ate even more today. I just eat what I can and then after my stomach settles down I eat a little more. I have not cried in almost 2 days, but that is going to change tonight. I could hold it in, but why bother. I think it needs to come out.

I would hope that things would be working out better for me since I am not the one ending this relationship, but here it goes.

His new rent $255 + half the bills. Mine $780 + all the bills
He has a job and see's people. I can't work right now and see no one.
He will be living with someone. I will be living alone.
He can go to the gay bars and drink and meet people. I can't go to the gay bars because I am an alcoholic and too weak right now to be around alcohol.

My parents of course pay for me to live and this is going to be a giant burden on them. I can't find a roommate right away for several reasons. Because of how I am with anxiety I can't live with a stranger and right now I don't know anyone well enough to live with them. Plus I just need some time to grieve and be alone till I am ready to socialize. Like after I am eating like a normal human again and my heart stops flipping around.

Since I get a new therapist (student in training) every year this year I sped things up by printing out parts of my blog for her to read to get her up to speed on my life. So I think she knows about the online blog. I never told her it was an online blog, but one time she said "so is it like an online blog?" I said "sort of". I figure anyone could type any part of my blog in on google and find it right away. So sometimes I just figure she could be reading it...who knows.

As for therapy I think I am done. I have been going for about 3 years now and it has not done a damn thing for me. Every week I go and basically paying her to listen to me. The truth is I go just to see a different human being and talk. Since I don't have any really good friends right now in real life it is like I am renting one. I also find myself annoyed over the years sometimes for lack of understanding, other times because I have been through this so many times nothing new is said to me.

For one example. If anyone of you read my blog enough you know I am scared to death of having a tetanus shot and have not had one since I was about 7 years old. I am way overdue. This Nov. my xbf was suppose to take me because I felt safer with him than if my parents took me. There is a good chance I could faint from it and I know from experience after I faint I am in no shape to drive. I don't just bounce back from it like some people. I am also scared to death of the vaccine itself. I don't feel personally it is a safe product and side effects can occur up to 6 weeks after the injection. I have a fear of fainting as well and since it might cause me to faint it is a double edged sword. Some side effects of the vaccine can be seizures up to 4 days after the shot. I also have a major fear seizures. So again it hypes me up. To put in simply. Even though I know I most likely will be fine like everyone else a part of my brain believes the day I get that shot is the day I am going to die and if not die end up crippled for life. My body then reacts to that thought like it is real. So making an appointment to get that shot is like asking you at some point next month pick the day you want to die.

I brought the tetanus shot up for a reason. I have moved it off a few months till I settle down from the breakup. So I won't be smoking so much and basically be in better shape to deal with the stress because right now I am pushed to the max with stress. I brought up to my therapist that it will be hard on me to see him pack up his stuff and leave. She says to me "Well maybe while he is packing up to distract yourself, maybe that would be a good time for your father to take you over to get your tetanus shot." Are you fucking kidding me?? Do you fucking get this at all? So while I am feeling like death, not eating, not sleeping and about to be left completely alone it would be a good time to go get the shot I deem as something that is going to kill me. Then come home to an empty house with no one to talk to and sit in fear for 6 weeks till I know I am ok?? Seriously what the fuck?

Now I have debated in my head if I should go back one last time to prove to myself that I am not just staying away because I felt faint the last time I was there. Then just not return and be done with it. I am leaning towards just not going back. Why push myself and make things worse? I already know I could go back again and that being at the therapists didn't make me feel faint. But high anxiety or not eating most likely did. I am tired of pushing myself. I am tired of being tired.

For 17 years I have dealt with many substandard friendships and relationships and substandard jobs and substandard medical care (except my lung, oral surgeon they were great.) I think I am done with the substandard therapy. Maybe someday if I have health insurance I will see a professional again and not a student. I have before, but it has been a very long time. I feel so awful and to think I am on xanax. I wonder how bad I would feel without being on it. I can't even imagine.

So now I am waiting for him to leave. For his key to be handed to me and for the door to close for the last time. From there where things go I don't know. I guess there is only two ways things can go. They can get better or they can get worse. And like I always tell people I am not suicidal. I am to nosy to be suicidal, meaning I have to find out how the story ends. I want to see what happens with my life because I always have held out hope that someday things would be better. Plus sometimes I have good days, days so good I forget I even have an anxiety disorder and I forget all the bad stuff from my past. I live for those days no matter how rare they are. Plus through it all I know someone is worse off than me and it could be a lot worse than what it is. Even if my heart stopped beating right this second I am older than many people on this planet have lived to be. Call me a sucker, but before I die I want the happy ending. I just hope I get it.

Even after everything I still would like to get to a place where my xbf and I could be friends eventually. And of course I have the 5% fantasy that he will leave and the harsh reality of the world will hit him and he will remember how nice I was and come back to me. But like I said it is only 5% and I am not counting on it.

Affirmation E-mail

I got an email this morning that I thought I would share. I have talked a lot about diet, but I also do believe that affirmations and remembering who you are can be helpful.

After all we do affirmations all the time. It is call the "what if" thinking and the constant loop of negative and scary thoughts or imagines we have passing through our mind. Which is why I believe that intentionally forcing good thoughts can be very helpful and help you find balance in this and any illness, mental or physical.

For me diet can work on your physical being. Diet can give your body all the tools it needs to cope with stress and heal your body and brain. Diet will give you the strength to help you change you thinking process and changing your thinking will help heal the self (the mind).

Here is the email:


"I used to suffer from that.

YOU NEED TO KICK ASS!
Your problems are your mind accepting the ridicule, rejection, and judgment of other people. It's about standing firmly in your own infinite empowerment and REFUSING to feel anything but perfectly natural, beautiful, peaceful, balanced, and competent.

Affirmations will work.

It's all a tragic waste of time. It's being a FOOL.
It's allowing a mindfuck to control your life.
There is nothing to learn.
There is no purpose for the experience.
There is no fruit.
There is only the reality that every second you spend in pain is a humiliating, degrading insult to your nature, your character, your strength, and your spirit.

REFUSE!
REFUSE to tolerate there being something wrong with you.
REFUSE to tolerate being insecure.
REFUSE to tolerate any person intimidating you.
REFUSE to tolerate the sickness that is society.
REFUSE to feel anything but your Natural Divinity and Infinite Empowerment.

Spirituality will set you free.

Transcending victim consciousness will teach you that you control the way you feel about yourself, your life, what you attract to yourself. It will teach you of your infinite internal source, which transcends ANY influence because it is an absolute force of nature.

You are an absolute force of nature.
You owe no apologies.
You owe no excuses.
You owe nothing.

You are a perfect, divine spirit, capable of absolutely anything.
Nothing more, nothing less."

Free DVD About The Boiltarian Diet

I made a 43 min video about the diet I use to help myself cope with the stress anxiety puts on my body. A few posts down you can watch it for free online. The video was too large for youtube and for some reason google video is not letting me upload it. So I ended up uploading it to the internet archive. The down side to this is that site is so busy, that at times during the day you can't view it.

You can watch it for free on my blog or if you would like a DVD copy of it for free just e-mail me your full name and mailing address and I will get a copy out to you. I have already sent out about 24 copies.

The reason why it is free is because when you convert windows media video to DVD every so often the sound dips for a split second. Also on the DVD just like if you watch the video online there is 10 seconds or so where my voice goes out of sync with my lips and the sound messes up when I say "no bacon".

DVD's will be sent out as fast as possible and in the order requests are received so if you e-mailed me your address rest assured it will be mailed to you.

I am going to continue mailing this DVD out for free till I decide to end it. In the meantime I am eventually going to make a much more professional DVD (with my extremely amateur equipment and software hehe) and that one will be for sale. I already have a distribution company I am going to use when I am pleased with the end product.

The price of that DVD will be as cheap as I can make it. I am not looking to make a profit, but I think that company charges $5.54 per copy plus shipping so I will have to maybe have it around nine dollars. This way people who shop on amazon and have never seen my blog or have been lucky enough to find people on youtube who share the same illness can get a copy.

OK so for now you can get the free DVD by just e-mailing me your full name and mailing address to silentjealousy77@yahoo.com (I will ship to a po box, so if you are uncomfortable giving out your home address a po box is fine.)

***NOTE I will ship this DVD worldwide however make sure that if you are not in the United States that your DVD player can play NTSC format, because I do not have it available in PAL format, which I believe is used in Europe.

Agoraphobia and Panic Attack Diet (Boiltarian)

A lot of people wanted to know more information on the diet I have done that made me feel a lot better with my anxiety. So I figured I would do a video and try to sum it up for you. It is very amateur and at one point the audio goes out of sync for a few seconds. Sorry about that. I am still new to editing long videos.

I named the diet "The Boiltarian Diet". I was working out the details of it in the past, so if you see anything else online about the diet do not consider it correct at this point till I have time to change what I wrote and remove some videos I made about this diet in the past.

If you have questions feel free to email me.

The First and Last Time I Address Hate Mail

This is going to be the first and last time I address hate mail or comments. On youtube I have my comments set to be approved for a reason. My videos are directed towards people that are suffering with panic attacks and agoraphobia. Many times comments will come in that "agoraphobia is fake" or "take meds".

I do not feel that those sort of comments should get through because after all the video are not for them and not very useful to the people watching my videos or reading my blog.

I recently got a comment that I would like to address. I tried to email the person back on youtube, but they have their account set to only receive email from people added to their friends list.

I have since removed the persons first comment because I have a strict policy of keeping any comments or emails I address here on the blog anonymous.

So here is the first comment:

"Hmm...I'm not sure how to respond. Most of "us" can barely make it to the mailbox, yet you're willing, and able to sacrifice yourself for the "cause" by going on Oprah?? How very noble of you."

Which I felt might be a little shady, but gave the person the benefit of the doubt and approved their message to which I replied.

"Well many times in my life I was unable to even go to the mailbox. I was never confined to a room in my home like some, but the longest I have been inside without leaving at all was a year. I still have major problems with many things when it comes to panic attacks and agoraphobia. Thankfully, right now I have 50% of it under control. I still suffer from it and with all the ups and downs I have had I am well aware that tomorrow may not be as easy as today."

The person replied to my comment which I did not approve by saying:

"After watching your vids & reading your blog, I truly believe there are other "issues" at play. Change your pdoc to one that will assist you in getting the benefits you're eligible for. And stop seeking your 15 min of fame as a "spokesperson" for something you have under control. Sorry, but we need a real one."

This is when I tried to email the person, but after clicking send youtube said the person did not accept emails from non friends.

My email to that person:

"Ok first off I am not seeking 15 mins of fame. The last thing I want is to have that. I am tired of how I have been treated since I developed panic attacks 17 years ago. If you don't feel that I am the right spokesperson why don't you be one as well. It would be a lot easier if many people with this issue spoke up in different ways they see fit at whatever level of agoraphobia or panic attacks they are in.

I do not completely have any of it under control. Most of the time I do not leave the house and half the time I have others do my shopping. It is just that the other half of the time I do go to the store, but many times I would have starved if no one went because I was not able to go outside my front door.

Besides panic attacks, anxiety in general, agoraphobia and my 3 phobias of blood, needles and dentists....what do you think my other "issues" are? If you tell me and it makes sense I will look into them.

I do not want to completely blow you off and I really think you have taken what I said the wrong way. I really would like to make other peoples lives easier. I would never want anyone to go through what I have been through with people, friends, family and doctors.

But like I said feel free as well to be your own spokesperson."


O.K. I wanted to address this because people with mental problems have had their own experience with different mental issues. I completely understand people are at different levels and different places in their life with their illness.

Here is the thing people. If you don't like how you are being treated and you see a major problem in society over any issue it is your responsibility to stand up for yourself and for others. You have to follow your own truth.

I do not expect everyone to like me that is a given. Everyone has their own opinion on subjects. If any of you do not agree with me or find that I am not helpful to you that is O.K. you are free to watch and read my blog and you are free to think I am a nutjob and ignore me.

What I would like to see however is if you don't like the idea of me becoming a spokesperson then become one yourself. If you don't like what I do, say or my past that is fine, but what are you doing to better your life and other peoples lives? If you sit in judgment of me and anyone else that is fine just as long as you are making your life and other peoples lives around you better. If you aren't and just sitting there blindly in judgment then all you are doing is spreading hate and not worth anyone's time.

As for changing Psych Doctors. I have had over 9. None of them (nor the general practitioner doctors) seem to think I need any form of assistance. Without health insurance you are limited on how much you can shop around. Also for those who don't know this, when you apply for disability they send you to their own doctor. A person who does not have any clue who you are. They ask you questions for about 10 minutes and then send their assessment off to the board. That doctors recommendation as well as your passed medical records are reviewed and the board about a year later makes it's decision.

For me the board found that I could get a "simple task job." They did not get that at that point I left my house once a week for a little over an hour to see my therapist. How they expected a home bound person to work outside the home is beyond me. Let alone how long would the employer keep a person who rarely could show up or stay?

I maybe able to leave my house more than some of you right now, but I have not been able to hold down a job at any point in my life due to anxiety.

I have had a unique perspective in my life. I have been blessed and cursed to see the darker side of life in general. Thankfully some of you never will know that world. Others I am sure have dealt with much worse and for that you have my sympathy and utmost respect.

For people trying to catch up on the blog and want to know more about me please refer to the blog link below.




http://brianunderwood.blogspot.com/2008/07/100-day-confessional.html

Panic Attack Discussion

The following is a reply to the last letter I sent on youtube. What I did is break down the persons letter (the persons letter is in quotes) and my reply to that part of the letter is not. I hope it will be easy for the reader to follow along.
----------------------------
"Hi Brian-

I understand there are still a lot of things that you are dealing with and
I completely understand what you are saying. I agree that people in the medical field "should" be more sensitive but unfortunately they're not. There is no way for them to possibly understand what the sufferer goes through unless they have experienced it themselves."

My Reply: I would have to agree and disagree. Oncologists who treat cancer may not have had cancer themselves. Yet the person with cancer is treated as if they have a real illness.
----------------------------------------

"And of course, with all the people they see each day and all the different complaints, I am sure it's hard to stay sensitive when you hear it day-in and day-out from everyone. I think they become cold and I don't believe it's always intentional but I do believe that there could be more compassion. There are some that are doctors because it is their goal to "help" others but for many... it may have started out like that but it has become nothing but a profession. If only the world was a nicer place. :)"

My Reply: I agree, but I also would like to say that hearing it day in and day out is their job. Medical professionals should be held to a higher standard because they are not just a cashier checking us out at a retail store. When we are ill, sick and scared we have to entrust our lives to these people.

Teachers teach the same class to children in school day in and day out. They get the same questions asked to them over and over. Over and over they have to show children how to do math for example. The teacher can not just become complacent and on day six, third class, and ignore a child asking how to complete a math problem. The second a medical professional is just doing their job as a professional it is time for them to have follow up compassion classes or be removed.
----------------------------------------------------

"The word cure is different to everyone. For me, I don't use the word cure. I use the word recovery. And for me... it is not a destination but instead a point of being. I work hard everyday to stay in recovery. I keep my thoughts in place, watch what I eat, exercise ( to burn off excess adrenaline) and I don't allow my fears to swallow me to the point of avoidance anymore.

Years of personal research, I have learned that it takes a different combination of things to help different people. You really have to try different things to see what works best for you.

For me, it was a combination of CBT, exercise, and diet along with specific natural supplements."

My Reply: Recovery in the dictionary is stated as restoration or return to health from sickness and restoration or return to any former and better state or condition. I would agree that I am way better off now than 17 years ago when this problem first started. So if you take the time I had my first panic attack till now you could say that I am recovered or in a state of recovery. However I am not in a state of recovery if you focus on how I was before I ever had the panic attacks/anxiety start.

For many people who are recovered and/or cured they are not letting their fear swallow them to a point of avoidance anymore. However many are left living their lives not avoiding, but using their "tool box" of deep breathing or whatever their tool happens to be. You yourself said that you use exercise, diet and natural supplements, all are great and I know from experience they can help.

However many people have high stress lives, don't exercise and eating healthy is leaving the tomato on their burger. These people have not suffered from panic disorder and their is a good chance they will never have to deal with panic attacks or agoraphobia. So why are we different is my main point. I am looking for a cause or causes of the disorder. Especially now that the serotonin as well as the brain chemical theory is falling apart. CBT Map III program which claims a 70%-90% success rate states in their book, chapter 1, page 6 {Neurochemicals that may influence panic and anxiety include noradrenaline and serotonin. Although these types of substances may be present in greater amounts during the midst of anxiety and panic, there is no evidence to suggest that a neurochemical imbalance is the original, or main, cause of panic and anxiety.} Just so readers knows CBT Map III is used in the treatment of people with panic attacks by therapists.

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway is great and must be learned to help the person cope, but again I am interested in why this happens to us in the first place.

Mental illness is still a very taboo subject and it is my goal to not let it be one any longer. People with mental illness are still viewed by a large percentage of the public as weak or blamed for their illness. I recently said to my therapist that I do not completely trust the medical community because if this was 1965 I would be seeing a therapist and being treated for being a homosexual. I believe 1973 was when they finally removed homosexuality from the list of mental disorders. Yet in the mean time there were studies on lesbians that received shock treatments to cure them of their perversion. A little under 50 years ago they were trying experiments on people with schizophrenia by rubbing turpentine on their stomachs. Sigmund Freud use to give his depressed patients cocaine to treat their depression. Sigmund Freud later became addicted to cocaine and finally broke his addiction.

So when a doctor says to me take this SSRI it will make you feel better you have to remember I could shoot heroin and feel better it does not mean it is good for me. It does not address the cause. CBT also does not address the cause. Though I will say that CBT does help people learn to cope with the overwhelming emotions they have to deal with.

If you went into a dentist office and told the dentist that you have a heart condition the dentist may prescribe you an antibiotic a week before your visit. The dentist may also call your doctor to talk about if s/he feels it is safe for you to have a certain treatment. This is in complete contrast to what I have experience with dentists in the past and my current dentist. After explaining my state of anxiety and asking if I could be prescribed Valium before I had a root canal I was told "you don't need it." I was also denied nitrous oxide (laughing gas) because "I did not need it". Again the seriousness of the situation is not in many causes taken seriously and the patient is left dealing with a lot more emotional discomfort than is needed or not doing the procedure at all. It took me 3 years and 10 oral surgeon interviews before I found one that I trusted and listened to me. To that man I will be forever grateful. So I am not saying that all medical professionals are bad. I am saying the good ones are rare, but if you can find that gem it feels like a godsend.
--------------------------------------------------------------

"I did not reach my recovery by taking medications. There was a time when I thought I might need an SSRI - but quickly learned that it was not for me from all the research I did. When I learned that I would have to face my problems eventually without medication.... I thought...what's the sense of taking them? I also learned that people who do the CBT without meds have less of a chance of relapse.

This sounded real good to me but at the same time it was a very real, scary reality and these facts pushed me hard to practice everyday.

I am not suggesting that "doing" is what caused me to find recovery.
It was the "doing" along with telling myself the truth even though my symptoms told me otherwise. I felt like I was lying to myself.

My doctor gave me Ativan and told me to take them 3 x's a day for 10 days. I knew ahead of time they could be potentially addictive and so I did not follow his directions- Instead, I took them ONLY when when I felt I needed one. In the process of my therapy, I never finished that prescription and the ones I had left in the bottle became so old they literally disintegrated into powder."

My Reply: I do the same thing with my Xanax I take half of the dose they told me to take because though I am aware I am hooked to them right now coming off will be a lot easier than if I was taking the full dose. I completely understand why you handled the Ativan in that manner.
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"There are many natural things that can help balance your brain chemicals. Even CBT has been proven to change the chemical imbalance in the brain during panic/agoraphobia and other mental illnesses. Margo Kidder ( an older actress) is an advocate of natural- alternative mental health. You might want to check their site for some helpful information- They talk alot about diet and supplements -
http://www.alternativementalhealth.com/ Like I said - for everyone, it's different.... you need to find a combination of things that work for you along with CBT. Do not give up."

My Reply: Again I would like to point out that the balancing out of brain chemicals is becoming a myth of the past when it comes to panic disorder. People seem to do just as well with placebo drugs as they do with the real drug. Now before people then say "well then see it is all in the persons mind" I would like to tell you a story about something called placebo surgery.

People took part in a study were they had a bad knee. The damage was visible on x-rays or CT scans. Everyone in the group had a pre-op exam. Everyone in the group was taken to the O.R. and was put under anesthesia. Everyone in the group then had an incision to their knee. Then 50% of the people actually had surgery on their knee injury. The other 50% after the cut was made were stitched back up right away with no surgery taking place. When the results came in about half of the people that had the surgery were doing better and/or cured. The group that did not have surgery about half of them were doing better and/or cured. The numbers were basically the same. Some how they body repaired physical damage because the person believed they had surgery.

I bring placbo up for a reason. Some people recover from CBT, some from medication, some from just being told it is not dangerous and normal, others pray and Jesus removes the illness or Allah removes it depending on your traditional religious background. The truth is a lot of recovery and cures could be being caused by a placebo effect. Now if a person finds a cure or recovery that way I think it is great because the person is no longer suffering. But what about the people left when these treatments don't work?

Being a homosexual I have been told I can "pray the gay away." and indeed there are many organizations mainly religious that agree, one being exodus international and the american psychiatric association up till 1973.

My main concern is that people with any mental illness be treated with dignity and respect. Someone with diabetes is not seen as weird, lazy, blamed or just not trying hard enough to make the diabetes disappear.

-----------------------------------------
"I also agree that many begin drinking due to self-medicating- I do believe that alcohol does exaggerate a preexisting anxiety problem."

My reply: In the long term it really does so if anyone reading this is abusing alcohol or any drug please try to seek help because it really is after awhile making your mental illness worse.
-----------------------------------------

"Anxiety is a learned behavior and can begin even as young as a small child."

My Reply: Anxiety is not always a learned behavior. Lets step out of the human realm for a minute. I had a cat when I was little. We got her as a kitten about 8 weeks old. She was never beat, she was just a very loved, cared for cat. She was a nervous wreck. Any sound would scare her and she would hide. She would even hide from myself and my family. She was always under weight and ate a lot of food because she always had so much nervous energy. She was tested for physical disorders to make sure nothing was wrong with her and she had a clean bill of health. If a stranger came over to the home to visit forget it, she was gone under a couch or into a closet. She would disappear at the speed of light. Now one good thing I will say about her is she lived to be almost 20 years old which is a very old age for a cat. I and my family have had cats since her passing and none were treated any differently and none were nervous like she was. For anyone who is interested reading this her name was Daisy. She really was a cute cat. :-)

O.K. back to humans. Many people have had panic attacks and did not develop panic disorder. They continue on and off to have a panic attack through out their life and just are not scared about having them. Yet they still get them. What would be the cause of their panic attacks, especially if they do not have a high stress lifestyle or worried?

-----------------------------------------------------

"I believe I had anxiety as a child and it followed me through adulthood and blossomed into a full panic/agoraphobia event. For me,
It was a severe amount of stress in my life that brought this on. I think it would have been easier for me to understand and recover.... if I knew more about stress and how it affected people. I am a type A personality and I work myself to the point of exhaustion. I was a people pleaser, do it all.... for everyone.... and I never put myself first.

My personalities along with being a negative thinker was a bad mix for me. I had to work hard to undo the habits that I learned from my own father."

My Reply: I agree this can be a major factor for some people with panic attacks, agoraphobia and anxiety. But again this brings me back to the example, everyone can have a seizure, but not everyone has epilepsy. I am not saying it is not as difficult for some people than others no matter what the reason. What I am saying is this could explain why treatment works for most, but not all. It could also explain why treatment works in different ways in different people and why there is so many different levels of recovery.

I would also like to state that information came out a few years back that it was discovered that the most common seizures, panic attacks and migraines seemed to be coming from the same area of the brain. Whatever became of that discovery I am unsure of. (Just so everyone knows anything that I am talking about can be looked up for free on google. No need to go out an buy a ton of books..unless you prefer books) :-)

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"Recovery-Inc.Org is a FREE CBT program for people with all kinds of mental challenges. Yes, it's hard for someone with agoraphobia to go to these meetings but it's all about baby steps. I realize that finding therapies that are affordable is difficult , however, programs like this one are priceless. Recovery-Inc.Org is based on the works of Dr. Abraham Low."

My Reply: I will look into it as I am always trying to get more information on the subject. Just so my readers know I have not yet heard of Dr. Abraham Low so at this time I can not make a judgment call on his work.
-------------------------------------------------------

"There is also Lucinda Bassett's program "Attacking anxiety and Depression" through the Midwest Center. I did this program and although a lot of the information is the same as in Claire Weeke's books, I enjoyed listening to her tapes over and over again. Repetition was very important for me in retraining my brain to think the right things.

The only way to overcome agoraphobia is by taking small steps EVERY day."

My Reply: Lucinda Bassett's program costs about $300 and really is not new information for anyone that has been in treatment with an anxiety problem for a long time. Lucinda Bassett's approach is not much different than the CBT Map III program I brought up earlier. So to save money, and to get the same information buying some books by Claire Weeke's would be much cheaper for you and are just as inspirational. I would also like to say for people who are religious Christians you may enjoy or find comfort in a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer.
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"When it came to the fear of "passing out". I heard conflicting stories.
As well with vomiting. I used to fear all kinds of things. In fact, one of the REAL things I struggled with was ulcerative colitis. I had diarrhea very bad. These were extreme urges to run to the bathroom about 40 times a day or more. Many times, there would be nothing but blood."

My Reply: I too had this problem as well and was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in late 1994 and took a drug called Azulfidine for 8 months. One night I had too much blood come out and was taken to Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester, NY. where I was living at the time and going to college. I have been in remission for many years now thankfully.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
"I feared many times that I would not be able to find a bathroom. I had 3 small children at that time in my life as well. But I forced myself to challenge myself anyways. I would be in a store, facing my symptoms, and I worked the CBT while with little children that whined, I had to rush to the bathroom and take them along. Instead of leaving the store, I would stay. I went to the store daily - I thought people would think I lived there. But I was so focused on getting better that I did not care what others thought. In fact, I told myself "it's okay if I vomit in public - "it's okay if I faint"..... "I know that someone will help me should this happen". " I don't care what others think"..." I am not helpless". I realize some have vomited and some have fainted and it really is okay. It is inconvenient but at the same time, it is more important to face those fears and do it anyways."

My Reply: When it comes to facing my fears about vomiting in a store I have no problem. I am at a point in my life where I do not really care what the general public thinks of me. Do I want to throw up in the store? Not really and I know it would not be the end of the world. For health reasons I would like to not vomit when I get nervous. On average I throw up about twice a week for the past 17 years. That would mean I have vomited on average 1768 times. This has taken a toll on the back of my throat as well as the back of my teeth. Stomach acid has caused a large amount of damage to my teeth and is why I am having to go to the dentist for repairs. Sometimes I have thrown up so much, blood has come up and is the cause of why I was yet again taken to Bay Medical Center Emergency Room in Panama City, FL where I was living in 2006.

You made a statement that you know someone would help you. I hope that would be the case for you and all of us. I have my doubts in humanity in it's current state as shown in the video clips below:









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"Dr. Archibald Hart talks a lot about the challenges men face in having these disorders- men suffer just as much as women - if not more due to the fact that society places upon them the stigma that they are supposed to be "stronger" than women in this sense. It's not right but the world is like that."

My Reply: I agree and it's not right but as you say "but the world is like that." Well it is up to all of us to change that. Many times people say "that is awful someone should do something about that." That person is you, me and all of us. If we do not stand for that any longer things can and will change.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Brian- hang in there. It is one thing to "do" and other to feel peace while "doing". Feeling the fear and doing it anyways is not the "cure".
What matters more is how you talk to yourself about being sick.
It is our own personal perception of things that can keep us stuck or make us free. The mind is a very powerful thing and many times there are things in our subconscious that we are not even aware we are thinking. Journaling helps get into this area of our brain and so I am glad you are blogging! It will allow you to go back and reread things and you may notice something later on in life that you didn't notice before. "

My Reply: Thank You. My goal is to have people put pressure on the medical community to find the cause and the cure. We have a war on cancer and a war on drugs...where is the war on mental illness? But more importantly it is to get people with mental illness the respect they deserve like any other human should have. My other goal is to have the proper training and up to date information passed on to medical professions. My blog is not just for me, but for anyone that has been through the ringer and still no better off and searching for answers.
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"I don't believe anxiety happens for no reason. I believe there is a reason for everything. Anxiety can be the result of a hormonal imbalance or something as simple as a prolapse valve in the heart.
There are different things- for me, it was too much stress...for too long of a period mixed with not understanding what I was feeling or going through.

Education is key and the earlier people are educated and understand, the sooner they can find healing so they can prevent further episodes.

I personally believe children should be taught about stress and anxiety in school in their health classes. If you train a child to see it for what it is, and how to deal with it, along with common fears and common feelings , they will be less likely to be afraid of their feelings and thoughts in the future."

My Reply: I agree that children should be taught about mental illness in school and how to handle their own feelings. I think this education is just as important for adults and especially medical professionals.

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"Well I must be going- Your long email has required a long response!
Sorry about that!

I wish you well in your journey Brian- there is still much to learn and I hope you find a combination of the right things that work for you. :)

Take Care! "

My Reply: Thank You and I wish you well as well. Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I hope others will take the time as well. If anyone would like to see my videos on youtube just search "silentjealousy77" and my videos will come up. Again thank you to the person who sent me this letter. I would also like to say to get caught up please return to the begining of my blog and read everything. This will give you a greater understanding of me, but also allow you to read questions that were already asked. :-)