How I Feel

Since late January I have been so ill. (read post below to catch up). I have been reduced to living on mainly liquid foods. I have thrown up more times than I can count. I am very thankful when I am able to have a can of soup, banana, or if I am lucky a microwave breakfast. (I have been unable to eat healthy at all)

The heart issue did not start till a single dose of paxil. Fainting scared the hell out of me and that is a major phobia of mine. Outside of all my illness my anxiety has me on compele lockdown right now because I fainted. Even if I felt well I don't think I would drive my car (which I have not driven since Feb 22nd anyway). I am scared I am going to just faint again while driving or in the supermarket. I don't even feel safe being alone now.

I wish I could completely say that it was paxil that made me faint that day, but I can't and there is where the problem lies. Right before I fainted I had a gross thought then I started to faint. Now I always get gross thoughts and now if my own mind can make me faint I am in trouble. I mean after all I could have a gross thought while driving and pass out.

I am sure to many people fainting is not a big deal, but for me it is giant. I don't like anything about it, it is the closest thing to dying for me. Your whole body winds down and you feel so ill. You can't see and you turn pure white as your pupils dialate out.

I have now fainted 3 times in my life. March 4th my most recent faint, Nov 2007 when I drank way too much alcohol and fainted and hit my head in the bathroom (which gave me a phobia of drinking alcohol because it caused me to faint. I needed to stop drinking anyway) and in June 1994 after my blood was taken (that is where my blood phobia comes from).

Two of those events I can blame something, blood test and alcohol. This time what do I blame? What is the chances that my gross thought came right before I fainted? Did paxil and my gross thought together trigger me to faint? Was it just the paxil (even though I took it years before and never fainted) and it just happen to happen at the same time? This is my problem, nothing to blame but my mind? Then I am in trouble because like I said I think horrible things a lot to begin with. I am unable to stop those thoughts from coming at me for the past 15 years medicated or not. The only thing I can do is try to block them out which is what I usually do. Gross thought comes in and I picture flowers blooming in my head to try to get away from the thought.

However since the day I took paxil my heart rate has stayed very high 100-150 something. My old heart rate was 70-80. Even when I am relaxed my heart races fast so it again makes me question the paxil.

Since Jan. I feel poisoned the only way to even put it into prospective for someone is to say it feels like I have a constant IV drip of chemo going into me. It takes me 20 mins sometimes to get off the couch to get a glass of water. My body aches, my heart races and I am so weak. I have a hard time focusing at all. I was always reading books and now I just can't...I can't even focus on TV shows. I am very zoned out.

The second visit to the ER was because I got close to fainting two more times that day. I am scared of my treadmill now because I walked on it and shortly after I broke into a cold sweat. I assume that is because I had not been eating and my heart rate was already high to start with. Thoughts enter in my head though that I have heart disease and that is why it happened. I worry that my heart is clogged or damaged and that is why it is beating so fast. Plus I read online about people with anxiety disorders having more heart attacks than non anxious people and how people with mental illness in general die on average at 57 years old.

Many times when I sleep I am jolted awake covered in sweat. Not just a little sweat, but sweat running down my face and soaking through my t-shirt. I have been sleeping on the couch so at least when I wake up like that the TV is on and that feels much safer.

Many times I feel so sick I cry my eyes out for hours sitting on my couch or calling my mother on the phone. I start to get these intense anxiety attacks unlike anything I ever experienced in the 15 years I have had anxiety. It is more anxiety than I even knew a human could experience.

Just picking up my apartment a little shoots my blood pressure to 150/101 and my heart climbs to 158. I checked after cleaning a little because I felt this pressure in my head and my knees felt shaky. That is another thing when I walk know my legs go weird on me and shake at times, other times I lose feeling in my wrists or my face. All these feelings and things happening is not good for a nervous person to deal with.

I tried to stop smoking cold turkey and my blood pressure feel so low that I started to black out so I am forced to smoke and trying as hard as I can to reduce the amount each day so my body can take it. Oddly usually when someone quits smoking the heart rate will drop, but mine stays high.

I called a Gastro doctor today because I have stomach issues and H. Pylori bacteria. They are booked till June, but can get me in with the nurse May 8th. So that is when I will be going there. I started taking pepcid last night in case I do have an ulcer because sometimes I have thrown up some small brown specks when I ate nothing brown and sometimes small amounts of blood.

I guess it is good that I have the energy to start writing again. Part of it is because I am scared I will die and I feel this need to connect and tell my story.

I will write more if I can soon. Because there is so much to this story I can't write it all out at once.

Tomorrow I go in for my echo of my heart and wear the 24 hour heart monitor.

My mom has cancer and I am sick

I am going to keep this as short as possible, but there is a lot of information of what has been going on. I will just summarize as best I can.

Jan 21st-Feb 14th I tapered off xanax. My throat issue went away once the drug was stopped. However from the time of the tapper till now I have been unable to eat very much food. I throw up a lot and have dropped 17 lbs. This is from some sort of benzo withdrawal that the doctors refuse to recognize.

March 4th I was so ill and wanted relief I decided to try going on an anti-depressant. So I took 10 mg of paxil and several hours later fainted on the floor. I called my primary doctor and made and appointment for the next day. Later that night my heart rate started to climb and was at 140 beats a min so at 4:30am I had my parents take me to the ER. They did an EKG and told me to see my primary care doctor. I never took paxil after that day.

At 11:30am March 5th I saw my primary care doctor and he refused to listen to my heart and yelled about me being off xanax and said "so what you fainted who cares!" and yelled some more and this went on and on to long for me to type out maybe someday I will. He refuses to treat me so no primary care doctor.

Since March 4th My heart rate has been between 100-150 at rest (very rate will it go to normal), I have vomited, been jolted out of my sleep with anxiety attacks, I have major panic attacks and in a depression.

March 9th my mom had a colon scope done and was told she has colon cancer. She has surgery on April 22nd to remove the cancer and then they will stage the cancer to see if she needs chemo.

March 29th my heart rate was so high I went to a different ER where they did a ton of blood work, gave me an IV, chest xray and did an EKG. The blood work that came back quick was normal and I had a few tests that take longer so they said they would call me.

April 1st. I got close to fainting 2 times and my blood pressure went from high to low. I was so sick and shaky that I emailed Keith (my xbf) to tell him goodbye in case I died. Went back to the ER that night and they just did an EKG and said to follow up with my heart tests.

This Thursday April 9th I go in to have an Echo of my heart and a 24 hour monitor placed on it.

Today the hospital ER called me to tell me one of my tests came back positive for H. pylori the bacteria that causes peptic ulcers and now I have to see a doctor to get treatment for that. Most of the pills they use to treat that I can't even take. H. pylori also can lead to stomach cancer many years down the line if not treated. I might have to have a scope done of my stomach as well. I decided to put this off till after my moms surgery. So I assume I will try to make an appointment with a new primary care doctor around May 1st.

I have no health insurance so I am applying yet again for medicaid which I am always denied for.

In 4 months I have lost my 5 year relationship, Become very ill and my mother has cancer. I cry all the time and have so much anxiety (part of which was caused by that stupid pill)

I went emotionally numb for a few mins today. I couldn't feel anything..I felt dead. This is all really too much to handle. So this is why I have not been writing and there is so much more detail to all of this, but I just wanted to do a short update.

If you happen to be having your own problems with benzo withdrawal please see the following sites for information.


http://www.benzo.org.uk



http://www.benzowithdrawal.com