Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Anatomy of a Breakup

I had not ate very much food or slept very much for about two days from all the stress of the breakup. I had a therapy appointment on Nov. 18th at 3:00pm that I had to end up canceling because that was the day my xbf and I had to go down to the rental office to explain to them that he was moving out and I was going to assume the lease. He was suppose to come home from work to go down with me at 9:15am. I had been up all night and was just going to stay up till he got in, then take a quick nap before I had to get back up and see my therapist. 9:15am came and went and by 10:00am I fell asleep. He got home at 10:43am and I woke up and I was mad at his disregard that I had to be some place later and he knew I had been up all night. He didn't seem to care and we fought over that.

I told him to go down to the rental office alone and if they need me I will go down the next day and deal with it. I just needed sleep. I called the therapist office and canceled my appointment. I was just to tired to go or to drive. It was rescheduled for Nov. 20th at 1:00pm. The next morning (Nov 19th) I went down to the office around 1030am and did what I needed to do to assume the lease. I really did not sleep and cried most of the day.

My xbf when he first started looking for a place to live found a girl online who was looking for a roommate, but that did not work out so he started looking for his own apartment. He told me he thought it was for the best anyway because he needed to be alone and have his own space. We also had a talk a few days before that we would like to remain friends. Giving each other space at first, sending an email to each other a few times a week, not talking about anything personal, just how his job was going or talk about interesting news or youtube videos we saw. (We talked about the news a lot in our relationship). The goal was to keep it neutral nothing personal so no ones feelings would get hurt...mainly mine since I am the one who has issues with this breakup.

Nov. 20th at 1pm on very little sleep and hardly any solid food I went to my therapist appointment. We were talking about the breakup and I started to feel sort of faint. I mentioned to her I felt like I was going to pass out, but that I figured it was just anxiety. I continued to tell her about how everyone so far locally that I met online I would not want to be friends with and that they were either messes or we just are not compatible. She said "Everyone??" like a therapist does when you make a statement. I then felt like ice cold water was running down the insides of my upper arms and said "you know I really don't feel that well." and she asked if I wanted to leave and I said yea and that I was sorry. She said it was fine and that I just need to eat and asked if I would be ok getting home. I told her I would be. I really don't know if it was anxiety or lack of sleep and food or maybe all of it mixed.

When we got out to the waiting area she was writing an appointment card out for me to come back my usual time on Tuesday at 3pm. I had only been there for 20 mins. The ghetto girl at the desk started laughing and the girl next to her was trying to hold back from laughing. I am not the type of person to think that when someone is laughing it is about me. However I can tell when it is and it was because I just got there and now leaving so soon. I assume my therapist thought maybe the same because as she was writing my appointment card she said to the girl "Is everything ok?" and the girl did not respond. I left and drove home. I figured if I started to black out I would pull the car over. I got home fine and still felt crappy for a few hours and just drank some V8 juice.

That night my xbf came home and told me that he had maybe found a roommate. That he had emailed this guy back when he had emailed the girl who was looking for a roommate and that he had not replied because he was on vacation and just got back and got my xbf's email. He had went over and looked at the place and it was nice. Turns out the guy is a 33 year old professional and is gay too (he said he didn't know he was gay when he answered the ad). My stomach turned. I had just got use to and liked the idea of him living alone, but now he was moving in with a gay guy and it just cut so deep. So I cried for 2 hours till my brain adjusted itself or the xanax kicked in...whichever. My xbf gave me the intersection where the apartment was located, but there was no such intersection in Albany. I am from here so I figured he just had it wrong.

After he went to bed at random I just went on craigslist to see if I could find the ad and see where it was and maybe a picture of the apartment building. Turns out the ad was placed only 72 hours before. The day that my xbf told me he figured it would be best if he lived alone. The ad also states that the guy was gay. So he lied to me about the whole thing. I was pissed and hurt and went into the bedroom and told him I knew he was lying and then he got all mad because I was "spying on him". I believed everything he said I was just looking because there was no such intersection. I was not trying to catch him in a lie. So we fought over that and I ended up leaving and sitting in my car, smoking cigs for about half an hour till I felt relaxed enough to come back inside. Being agoraphobic it was weird. I no longer felt safe inside. It was like a reverse anxiety attack. I had to get outside into the cold air.

He told me that he was meeting this guy on Friday night at a restaurant. Which even if that is the truth I don't believe plus there is a gay bar right across the street. So Friday Nov. 21st he came home with a haircut and all new clothes from several different stores. Took a shower and took a taxi to go meet this guy. He left at 8pm and had told me the day before he would be back around 10:30pm however he got home about 1am.

I said nothing about the new clothes, the haircut or where he even went with his possible new gay "roommate". When he got home he stayed up for about 20 mins then told me he was going to bed. I said ok and since he did not tell me anything I asked if he was going to be moving in with that guy. He said "yea". I said "soon or around the 1st" and he said "next Sunday". The next morning "Sunday" has turned into "this Thursday" so I guess he will be leaving on Thanksgiving. I assume he will be coming and going for a few days so maybe he is moving Thursday-Sunday.

I don't think I have ever smoked so many cigarettes in my life. My weight has dropped. I am 148 lbs. Last year this time I was 165 lbs. My heart has been skipping so much, normally that would scare me, but so far I just don't care. I am sleeping ok it is just that I am sleeping all day and up all night. Yesterday I started eating again and ate even more today. I just eat what I can and then after my stomach settles down I eat a little more. I have not cried in almost 2 days, but that is going to change tonight. I could hold it in, but why bother. I think it needs to come out.

I would hope that things would be working out better for me since I am not the one ending this relationship, but here it goes.

His new rent $255 + half the bills. Mine $780 + all the bills
He has a job and see's people. I can't work right now and see no one.
He will be living with someone. I will be living alone.
He can go to the gay bars and drink and meet people. I can't go to the gay bars because I am an alcoholic and too weak right now to be around alcohol.

My parents of course pay for me to live and this is going to be a giant burden on them. I can't find a roommate right away for several reasons. Because of how I am with anxiety I can't live with a stranger and right now I don't know anyone well enough to live with them. Plus I just need some time to grieve and be alone till I am ready to socialize. Like after I am eating like a normal human again and my heart stops flipping around.

Since I get a new therapist (student in training) every year this year I sped things up by printing out parts of my blog for her to read to get her up to speed on my life. So I think she knows about the online blog. I never told her it was an online blog, but one time she said "so is it like an online blog?" I said "sort of". I figure anyone could type any part of my blog in on google and find it right away. So sometimes I just figure she could be reading it...who knows.

As for therapy I think I am done. I have been going for about 3 years now and it has not done a damn thing for me. Every week I go and basically paying her to listen to me. The truth is I go just to see a different human being and talk. Since I don't have any really good friends right now in real life it is like I am renting one. I also find myself annoyed over the years sometimes for lack of understanding, other times because I have been through this so many times nothing new is said to me.

For one example. If anyone of you read my blog enough you know I am scared to death of having a tetanus shot and have not had one since I was about 7 years old. I am way overdue. This Nov. my xbf was suppose to take me because I felt safer with him than if my parents took me. There is a good chance I could faint from it and I know from experience after I faint I am in no shape to drive. I don't just bounce back from it like some people. I am also scared to death of the vaccine itself. I don't feel personally it is a safe product and side effects can occur up to 6 weeks after the injection. I have a fear of fainting as well and since it might cause me to faint it is a double edged sword. Some side effects of the vaccine can be seizures up to 4 days after the shot. I also have a major fear seizures. So again it hypes me up. To put in simply. Even though I know I most likely will be fine like everyone else a part of my brain believes the day I get that shot is the day I am going to die and if not die end up crippled for life. My body then reacts to that thought like it is real. So making an appointment to get that shot is like asking you at some point next month pick the day you want to die.

I brought the tetanus shot up for a reason. I have moved it off a few months till I settle down from the breakup. So I won't be smoking so much and basically be in better shape to deal with the stress because right now I am pushed to the max with stress. I brought up to my therapist that it will be hard on me to see him pack up his stuff and leave. She says to me "Well maybe while he is packing up to distract yourself, maybe that would be a good time for your father to take you over to get your tetanus shot." Are you fucking kidding me?? Do you fucking get this at all? So while I am feeling like death, not eating, not sleeping and about to be left completely alone it would be a good time to go get the shot I deem as something that is going to kill me. Then come home to an empty house with no one to talk to and sit in fear for 6 weeks till I know I am ok?? Seriously what the fuck?

Now I have debated in my head if I should go back one last time to prove to myself that I am not just staying away because I felt faint the last time I was there. Then just not return and be done with it. I am leaning towards just not going back. Why push myself and make things worse? I already know I could go back again and that being at the therapists didn't make me feel faint. But high anxiety or not eating most likely did. I am tired of pushing myself. I am tired of being tired.

For 17 years I have dealt with many substandard friendships and relationships and substandard jobs and substandard medical care (except my lung, oral surgeon they were great.) I think I am done with the substandard therapy. Maybe someday if I have health insurance I will see a professional again and not a student. I have before, but it has been a very long time. I feel so awful and to think I am on xanax. I wonder how bad I would feel without being on it. I can't even imagine.

So now I am waiting for him to leave. For his key to be handed to me and for the door to close for the last time. From there where things go I don't know. I guess there is only two ways things can go. They can get better or they can get worse. And like I always tell people I am not suicidal. I am to nosy to be suicidal, meaning I have to find out how the story ends. I want to see what happens with my life because I always have held out hope that someday things would be better. Plus sometimes I have good days, days so good I forget I even have an anxiety disorder and I forget all the bad stuff from my past. I live for those days no matter how rare they are. Plus through it all I know someone is worse off than me and it could be a lot worse than what it is. Even if my heart stopped beating right this second I am older than many people on this planet have lived to be. Call me a sucker, but before I die I want the happy ending. I just hope I get it.

Even after everything I still would like to get to a place where my xbf and I could be friends eventually. And of course I have the 5% fantasy that he will leave and the harsh reality of the world will hit him and he will remember how nice I was and come back to me. But like I said it is only 5% and I am not counting on it.

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