Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My First Time Away From Keith

I dropped Keith off at the airport at 4:30am this morning. He is flying home to visit his family and friends in FL. He will only be gone 4 days, but to me it seems like an eternity. We have been together for almost 5 years and this will be the first time we have spent more than 24 hours apart from each other.

This is particularly hard on me because I have major trust and jealousy issues. Not only has most the boyfriends I have had in my life cheated on me, but they usually do it when they are on vacation away from me. Having these thoughts run through my mind are not easy for me to deal with and only upset me.

I just keep telling myself. I can not control another persons actions. I mean in reality I would have to watch him 24 hours a day to make sure he never cheated.

The worst part of dealing with myself on this topic is I am not free of this "sin" myself. I have myself cheated in past relationships. I also always got away with it. So in my mind I figure if I got away with it then he could as well.

The only reasons I knew my past boyfriends were cheating on me were because they were really bad at lying or covering their tracks.

My other fear is once he is away from me for a few days maybe he will enjoy it. Maybe he will see me as a burden and leave me. Again I am trying to keep those thoughts at bay.

All that being said I hope he has a good time. I will be so glad though when Sunday is here and I can pick him up from the airport. I really will miss him.

While he is gone I am going to make the bold attempt to quit smoking. Every time I stop I become a mega bitch. There will be no one here for me to yell at. I have no cigarettes left in the house except one which I plan on smoking after this blog post.

I have no intention of leaving my home for the 4 days he is gone so I don't give in and stop at a store to by cigarettes. I am also going to limit my conversations with my mother so that her nagging about a subject does not upset me and cause me to want to smoke.

I am sure that many people locked in their home for 4 days without leaving might start to drive them mad, so in this case being an agoraphobic might have it's upside.

I mentioned in a past blog that the new sneakers that didn't fit me I was going to be mailing to someone for free in New Orleans, LA. I just wanted to give you an update and I did mail them to someone name Scott last week. His house was destroyed during hurricane Katrina, but they have since rebuilt and have a new baby.

Anyway that is all for now. Pray that I can stop smoking finally. If I can't do it this time I will be very disappointed in myself. I hope you all have a great day.

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