Friday, March 26, 2010

Where Does Love Hide?

I was watching a movie tonight online. During it I started to wonder, when it was last that I was happy; truly happy. I think it was 1995-1996, scary, that is 14-15 years ago. I don't know if I was even truly happy then, maybe just happier than I have been sense.

Reflecting back on my childhood, what bothers me is even then I don't remember being completely happy. If anything, the only thing that kept me going, even now is myself. My imagination is one of the most wonder gifts I was given in this life. I think I have kept myself entertained. I am very creative and I noticed early on in life that I thought differently than the average person. I seem to absorb knowledge fast in many subjects (Unfortunately not in spelling or grammar). I also have a knack for seeing through people and events. My greatest gifts are also my greatest enemies. I could never truly part with them though. To fix my problems would be to lose the best of me.

However, never being truly happy bothers me and I would like to think about that more and see if I can find out why...maybe even fix it. It is not depression. I don't believe people are born depressed (regardless of what current society thinks). Plus depression is the wrong word, too powerful of a word. I am just unhappy.

I think maybe part of the problem is I have never felt truly loved. There has never been any deep love that has come in my direction. I am left feeling expendable. Maybe that is because that is exactly how I have been treated by others. There has never been a person who has come into my life that I feel would push me out of the path of an on coming truck and sacrifice themselves because they could not bare the thought of me being injured or killed. Dramatic yes, but it would be nice to feel that kind of love.

Growing up I know that my parents loved me. It just felt conditional. I know that if I pushed far enough and was myself there would only be anger and conflict. The message was (and it was never said, but understood) that love was conditional. I don't even think my parents know that is the message they gave.

I find it odd because the people that I have loved, I have given the love that I want to receive. However some of those people moved on and some in quite harsh ways. I guess it is good that I never sacrificed myself pushing them out of the way of an on coming truck. :)

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