Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Failed Experiment

After I had lung surgery the doctors wanted to give me Vioxx but I refused it and asked for an equal drug. Some of the doctors had a fit but I told them no I read that there were reports to the FDA that people, even young people were having heart attacks on Vioxx. Some of them were not please and started to lecture me about how it was nonsense or how they had not heard of it. When I left the hospital my dad took my prescriptions, filled them and came home with Vioxx. I told him return it I am not taking it. He had a fit. But he did and I called the doctor and got the other drug.

I often wonder if those doctors remembered me when Vioxx was pulled from the market a few years ago. Vioxx is back on the market with a black box warning now that Vioxx can cause heart attacks.

So I am trying a new experiment. I am not complaining out loud or "mothering" Keith.

You know how when a man plays a violin for a long period of time they can find in brain scans that his brain has more neuroconnections in that area of the brain. The brain has this habit of making more and more neuroconnections the more you think about something and the more you do something. When someone stops thinking so much about a topic or memory over time the brain slowly starts to unplug its neuroconnections from that idea or memory.

I didn't complain once this morning to Keith about anything at all and I must say it was very hard. I think he was worried about me because he even danced around the living room to get my attention and try to make me laugh.

My parents have nagged me my whole life. I promised myself I would not be like them yet it has carried into my relationships. I always tell Keith to "make sure" and "be careful" or "be sure not to" instead of letting him live his own life. It feeds into my control issues.

I have come to realize that all my complaining and expressing my fears out loud is worthless in most situations because the harsh reality is most people just don't care or are tired of hearing it. Nothing I say has any meaning anymore. If I say I am sick feeling what power does that have? I say I am sick everyday so they half listen and I get upset because they don't care or hear me.

My mother only talks about illness and disease or disaster or complains so talking to her and not complaining will be a challenge.

My fear is that if I stop telling them they will assume nothing is wrong and I am all better so when I can't do something they will question me and say "But I thought you were doing so well." When in reality I just shut up.

I just know that I have become everything that I hated about my parents and more so. I also know that I have become more and more like fear itself. Sometimes I picture fear like a demon or a sort of outside entity. I have been hanging around fear so long that I have become more like it. It's like when you hang out with the wrong crowd you change. It reminds me of a line from a movie "when you dance with the devil the devil doesn't change the devil changes you."

Many times I see my anxiety as an "it" and outside force that attacks me. But there is no "it" the enemy doesn't stand next to me ..it is me.

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