I wish there was away to help anxiety without sedating the brain. I am always looking. What the doctors say makes no sense. I started to see that years ago. For example if we have to little serotonin then why when we up it (by trapping it) in the brain do people lose their sex drive and all these other side effects. If we were just replacing something that we lacked there would be little issue.
I find it odd that if you drink alcohol or smoke pot you are "self medicating" but when a doctor hands you a pill bottle and the pill makes you feel the same way with more side effects it is ok.
If I drink 2 beers and go to the dentist it is frowned upon. If I swallow a xanax it is ok. They go in circles. I have read so many books on brain chemistry. All of their theories on mental illness are just that theories. There is no proof what so ever that there is anything wrong with our brain chemicals. They report that they found people with low serotonin to be on average depressed. What they don't report is some people had low serotonin or very low serotonin and were 100% fine. That is like saying you have the flu yet no virus to be found in your body. Either everyone who has the flu has the virus or the virus is not the cause of the flu.
I don't like when people tell me to relax in most situations. What they can't see is I am trying to do just that. If I wasn't trying to keep it together it would be a lot more messy than it is.
The simple truth is when people think the risk is low for having a seizure from SSRI drugs it maybe true but not low enough for me to feel safe taking the paxil. My mother and doctors can poo poo that thought all they want. But the truth of the matter is it would be me who had the seizure (if one occurred) not them. Because it is not them who could have one or who did have one they don't care. If my mother had a seizure she would sit up and take major notice. If it was me well things happen stop thinking about it.
If my brain is missing something I can't find it. I will eat the strangest foods even when I don't want to in hopes of finding something. I read though old texts when mental illness research started to see if I can find something they missed or an idea that was shot down that could have been right. I am told I read to much, and should just drug myself up.
Sometimes I think there is a structural difference in our brain that they haven't found yet. Other times I think there is a distortion in the thinking process but not caused by a chemical but my own method of viewing the world and myself.
I also don't like when a doctor or my mother says "but the pills make people feel better." I point out if I shot heroin I would feel better too doesn't make it good for me. They are quick to jump "but that is different this isn't heroin" Really you don't think these drugs will be pulled from the market in the future? Doctors freely handed out heroin and cocaine. Freud thought cocaine was a great drug to treat depression. He took it himself and gave it to his patients. Heroin was advertised for housewives. Showing a sad unhappy woman by the kitchen sink then she took heroin and guess what she was all smiles and the dishes were done and sparkling...her husband was also happy.
Most our drugs are a joke even now. The propaganda behind them are ridiculous. If I had HIV and take an antiviral I can climb mountains and white water raft. If I am old and my bones hurt I can take celebrex and soon will be on a bike built for two with my grandson.
There is a line in the movie Gia and it is meant a statement for fashion but holds true in my mind about the pharmaceutical community. "Every photograph makes a promise, and the promise is never kept."
My theory on the thought disorder is that there are two ways to view something. For example having a seizure could be exciting I have never had one. It would make me special since most people don't. I might even meet some cool people in the hospital maybe even make a friend. A seizure is not the end of the world in most cases and I can get some pills and go home. The pills might even make me feel good. I could enjoy fainting like some people enjoy pain. For others pain can be a sexual experience. That is a change of thought in the extreme but you get my point.
I view the world as a harsh place, with little understanding and lack of compassion. I never really liked how I looked or myself very much. I would see my reflection in the mirror on a bus on the way to school and see a human who seemed not to look like the other kids. I looked alien or stood out in some way. I didn't stand up for myself and was picked on a lot. My parents were over bearing and worriers. I am scared to be happy or think the best. I fear if I do think the best then something worse will happen.
I actually believe that if I let myself go and assume nothing will happen at the dentist like fainting that some how I am more likely to faint. My key to protection is to stay in a constant protective state where everything is a danger or it is right around the corner. I see my death as not a peaceful one but the kind you would see in the Omen movies. A long dragged out fear filled painful process. If I am happy I fear I will be punished. I see my life as a video game only I have one man not three and if I die it is game over. I fear dying because I fear missing the next big thing. If I died during the lung surgery I had I would have missed 9/11. Where all this comes from I am unsure but I think some comes from childhood. That is just some of what I think about.
On a crazy note I view myself as far more intelligent than the average person this may or may not be true. I find most people can't begin to understand what it is like to be me. I view many people as empty shells just spitting information that comes out of magazines or the tv. They to me seem unable to have a real thought that is their own. I fear becoming disabled in some way and left to the mercy of them. A day filled with a person who comes to feed me and tells me "how great I am doing and wow you finished the whole plate"
I know these thoughts or other crazy ones must go through other peoples minds. I have talked to so many people with anxiety and they all have something. This one man he was in a supermarket. He noticed that they were playing Green Day. He remembered they played Green Day the last time he was there as well. He though "hmm I wonder if they play Green Day to keep people in the stores to make them buy more. What is they stopped playing Green Day and people stopped shopping? Then the stores would close and I would have no food to eat." And bam he had his first panic attack. He went to the ER because he knew it was a heart attack. Then he had about 100 more over several months and is now on lexapro. He says he has a hard time getting hard on the drug but the doctor says he doesn't have enough of GABA (I assume he meant serotonin) so he needs it and for the rest of his life. He is an example of doctor says.....doctor knows best. I like to remind people doctors are "practicing" medicine. That is why it is called that.