Sometimes I feel like I am trapped in a box. I will weigh two options that scare me and pick the less of two evils.. Sometimes things come up like tetanus (the disease vs the vaccine)where my mind will balance both sides as an equal evil or dangerous and it spins out of control demanding a correct answer. That is when it gets really bad.
I wanted to go to this New Age church but have yet to do that. The church thing isn't so much for religion. It was just the only thing I could think of to meet people who might be helpful to me. Most people who go to church at least want to usually be better people so I thought maybe some kind people might be lurking there. My social network is so small right now.
When I was a child we use to live in a different house than my parents live now. This ghost woman would come to me and sing to me at night. She was a transparent green color but looked just like a human woman. The only lyrics I remember her singing is "if you want a banana ....you have to eat an apple first" I use to try to scream for my mom but I was unable to move when she was in the room and unable to scream. Well I could scream but no sound came out. (I have tried to find those lyrics online as an adult but never could match them up)
She would only come in the spring. So my parents had me sleep in a different room when spring came so she wouldn't bother me. My mom said one time I was very ill when I was younger and she was sleeping in my bed next to me and she heard a clock start to tick loudly and a whistle noise then there was silence. She knew someone was there and even the bed sank down when whatever it was sat down. It scared her but she never saw the woman like it did. But she did believe me after about her.
I feel like there maybe stuff in my childhood that I can't remember that may have messed me up mentally. Sometimes I try to relax and scan over every memory I can think of. I have this feeling that maybe I was molested at some point and just don't remember. But then maybe it was something else or nothing at all and I am just looking for a reason that doesn't exist.