Friday, April 10, 2009

24 hour heart monitor

The 24 hour heart monitor has this diary that it comes with where you put down what you are doing so they know why your heart rate changes. Mine looks completely like I am a nut job.

11:00 pm went to bed
4:20 am woke up heart raced
6:00 am slept on and off from 4:20am till 6:00am
6:36 am first cigarettes of the day
6:52 am Vomitied from sour stomach and anxiety
7:18 am Crying and pacing till 8:30am

This thing stays on me till about 3pm. Right now I feel so weak and wore out. I have only been able to hold down soda. I have had a few mild hot flashes and pin prick feelings in my brain and some dizzyiness.

I cried on the phone to my mom again this morning and decided to come clean about some secrets I have kept from her. I told her I am the one who burned the garage down when I was litte, which she said she already knew. I told her I was molested once that I know of by my cousin who is only a few years older than me. She told me she thinks he was molested by the guy down the street who was later arrested. I told her I was not tramatized by it and she took that well.

Then I told her about the adult videos I did years ago and how in Atlanta I was a escort for a little while. She was not fazed and said everyone makes mistakes and I am no worse than anyone else. So now my mom knows all my secrets.

I am so tired of feeling sick. Mornings are way worse for me for some reason. It is when I am the most sick to my stomach and I feel the most scared. I also feel the weakest because I hardly eat and when I sleep I go all those hour with no food.

I still wonder how I will ever feel better again after all this because even if I do get better it is only a matter of time before I become sick again. We all will get sick and that scares tha crap out of me. I use to be able to ignore that, but now I just can't shake the thought.

My nephew is still in the hospital with his collapsed lung. It has not inflated yet and he might have to have surgery.

When I feel a little better I have to call the cardiologist today because I have to make an appointment.

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